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Step-parenting

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BF makes no effort with my kids

53 replies

Mummypig81 · 25/07/2025 17:57

Posting this again as my last post was taken down as I had duplicate accounts! I 43F have been with my BF 51M for six years now. I have two daughters aged 7 and 10. She has two grown-up daughters. We get on really well and have lots of shared interests, but even after six years he has minimal interaction with my children. He comes to my house when they go to their dads and he leaves when they get back. He does occasionally pop in when they’re home but doesn’t tend to hang around as he clearly gets stressed out by normal children’s behaviour i.e. being noisy, bickering and wanting attention. I recently booked and paid for a holiday abroad for us both and my girls in the hope that it would strengthen our relationship. He spent most of his evenings sitting on his own away from us, on his mobile. He was constantly tutting and sighing. If the girls ever acted up, he would say “ I knew this would happen” or “ I knew she would do this” . He’s especially strict with my eldest daughter. I think she reminds him of his oldest daughter who no longer has a relationship with. They do get on when the girls are ‘ behaving’ but the girls do prefer it when he’s not around. Our holiday has proven that we have very different parenting styles and that living together whilst I have young children could never happen. Do I end it and concentrate on being a mum or live a double life keeping my relationship and children separate?
I have asked him to keep his distance since of holiday while I evaluate things. He says he loves all of us and feels awful that he has ruined our holiday.

OP posts:
JealousyIsADisease · 25/07/2025 18:03

End it.
Awful your Dc were subjected to that on holiday. They shouldn’t be made to feel they are an inconvenience or annoyance by your ‘D’P. That’s just nasty and could have a lifelong effect on them.

NotrialNodeal · 25/07/2025 18:05

He doesn't want to part of your childrens life. His behaviour demonstrates this. You cannot force him to feel differently. You have to decide if you want him to play happy families with you or if you can be happy with the situation as it is.

CopperWhite · 25/07/2025 18:06

How many times do you need to hear that you need to keep this man away from your children? Do what you like when they are with their Dad, but don’t force them to have a man who they don’t like in their home on on their holidays. It is selfish, and damaging to your relationship with your children.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 25/07/2025 18:07

and feels awful that he has ruined our holiday

Pity he didn’t have that feeling when he was actually on the holiday, rather than now, when he’s been hit with the results of his behaviour.

PolyVagalNerve · 25/07/2025 18:08

He don’t like your kids
bullshit he loves u all !!

TeachesOfPeaches · 25/07/2025 18:09

He has known your children since they were 1 and 4 and hasn’t shown any interest so I think you’re flogging a dead horse. Put your kids first.

Coconutter24 · 25/07/2025 18:10

He wants to be a BF not a step dad

MauriceTheMussel · 25/07/2025 18:10

“The girls prefer it when he’s not there”

End it. He’s a horrible person.

Stripeyanddotty · 25/07/2025 18:12

So which comes first for you - your children or his dick?

alcoholnightmare · 25/07/2025 18:12

Just see him when the girls are at their Dads whilst you decide if that’s what you want or not.. as after six years, I don’t think he will be offering more until they are much older.

My Mums husband (boyfriend at the time) my sister and I drove NUTS - he had two perfectly behaved daughters of his own the same age as us so a lot of comparisons.
Holidays - throwing us around the pool when there was no chance Mum was peeling herself off of her sunlounger.
Taxi service - constantly, even 3am from the clubs when we were older
Helped with homework, got to know our friends, days out all the time, even got to know my Dads side of the family as they were our family.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/07/2025 18:14

The only thing you need to do is end this relationship and actually, secondly, get some therapy for your children and make them your priority.

PolyVagalNerve · 25/07/2025 18:15

alcoholnightmare · 25/07/2025 18:12

Just see him when the girls are at their Dads whilst you decide if that’s what you want or not.. as after six years, I don’t think he will be offering more until they are much older.

My Mums husband (boyfriend at the time) my sister and I drove NUTS - he had two perfectly behaved daughters of his own the same age as us so a lot of comparisons.
Holidays - throwing us around the pool when there was no chance Mum was peeling herself off of her sunlounger.
Taxi service - constantly, even 3am from the clubs when we were older
Helped with homework, got to know our friends, days out all the time, even got to know my Dads side of the family as they were our family.

Edited

And then when they are much older, if he’s around, the kids will rightly wanna be anywhere else !!
he ain’t no family man !!!
ditch
he’s been like this throughout your relationship and sounds like he does not have a good relationship with his own daughter - not a good sign, he just don’t do kids ?

CorneliaCupp · 25/07/2025 18:18

It seems like you're trying to force something that isn't there. It is pretty clear that he doesn't want to take on a Dad role to your kids.
So your options are either continue seeing him when you're kids aren't around as you have been - nothing wrong with that if you're happy - or end things.

Meadowfinch · 25/07/2025 18:19

Either end it or only see him when your dds are with their father. He is not a positive influence in their life, they don't like him, he doesn't like them, you just have to accept that.

The reality is he can only be a FWB until your youngest leaves home, which is likely to be 15 years. If you can accept that, ok, but otherwise I think you need to end it.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 25/07/2025 18:24

He doesn't want to be a father figure in their lives.
They HAVE a father
HE HAS children already

WHY are you forcing your children on him ?
WHY are YOU forcing him on your children !

Nobody is enjoying this.

LittlleMy · 25/07/2025 18:52

@Mummypig81

Your Q is Do I end it and concentrate on being a mum or live a double life keeping my relationship and children separate?

Well I think after 6 years, if BF still hasn’t acclimatised to your kids, he never will. You also said your DC prefer it when he’s not around. I think your answer is in there really.

I can’t see the point of having a relationship and keeping DC separate as I don’t think in the LT that’s fair on the kids because when they’re grown up and left home and you both have moved in together, they may feel uncomfortable visiting you so you all may not be so close anymore.

Regardless of that though, I always thought moms with kids are very clear that you all come as a package and on yer bike if a man has a problem with that. Personally for me, it would be a deal breaker if my BF had zero interest in my kids (if I had any) because the whole point of a relationship is sharing the load and if I wanted support with my kids well it’s going to be impossible to get it with your BF, yet I bet you are lovely to him and support him fully with any of his ups and downs so basically he can have his cake and eat it but you can’t.

So answering your Q I would end it and concentrate on being the best mum to your lovely DC and not bringing a round anymore men making them feel uncomfortable. If you naturally meet a lovely man then great but personally I wouldn’t be actively searching via OLD and risking a merry go round of potential partners disrupting my family peace.

cobrakaieaglefang · 25/07/2025 19:01

DM started going out with her BF ( he had kids, 1 of which didn't/ doesn't speak to him) when I was 4, they married when I was 17, we had barely spoken to him in the entire time, Moved in together then, I left home within 18 months. He has only ever spoken when its unavoidable. My DC never had tea at nannas or visited. I'm 59, probably had 6 conversations in 50 years..
Dump OP or like me your kids won't bother when they are older .

Mummypig81 · 25/07/2025 20:02

There are times he makes an effort and they get on well. He makes jokes and tries to play games. But he is strict. And has absolutely zero patience. He criticises his own upbringing but behaves exactly the way he describes his father.
I think he does love the girls in his own way, he just doesn’t want to or know how to parent them. If I’m honest, my girls and he would both probably prefer to have me to themselves. Thanks for your input, I think it confirms my own perspective

Kids first. Always.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 25/07/2025 20:17

' he just doesn’t want to or know how to parent them.'

why should he ?

they are not his.

and you don't live together, he's not your partner he is only your boyfriend.

Yachties · 25/07/2025 20:18

I don’t understand why you are asking this question on a forum like this.
your girls don’t like him. He’s mean to them and you.
no brainer. End it. Put your children first.

Mummypig81 · 25/07/2025 20:30

Yachties · 25/07/2025 20:18

I don’t understand why you are asking this question on a forum like this.
your girls don’t like him. He’s mean to them and you.
no brainer. End it. Put your children first.

He never mean to me. He treats me better than any partner I’ve had before. It’s his relationship (or lack there of) with my kids that concerns me.

Im asking on this forum because I have no one else to ask. I tried talking to my sister but got the feeling she thinks I’m overreacting

OP posts:
EG94 · 25/07/2025 23:35

I’m confused. When step kids are irritating but tbf it’s kids in general, step mums are encouraged to walk away, spend time alone, go out, take the space they need but this guy same rules don’t apply.

other peoples children aren’t for everyone. If he’s not mean to them and doesn’t agree with your parenting rather than stepping in he keeps his distance.

i feel for this chap

Geppili · 26/07/2025 03:39

FFS end it for the sake of your precious daughters. He hates them.

MauriceTheMussel · 26/07/2025 04:23

Mummypig81 · 25/07/2025 20:30

He never mean to me. He treats me better than any partner I’ve had before. It’s his relationship (or lack there of) with my kids that concerns me.

Im asking on this forum because I have no one else to ask. I tried talking to my sister but got the feeling she thinks I’m overreacting

He is mean to you. He does treat you appallingly because he’s an arsehole to your children and their mother.

BusterGonad · 26/07/2025 05:35

I think I've read exactly the same thing from this poster a few months ago, and exactly the same answers were given!

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