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Original poster

To not want SD coming on these holidays anymore?

292 replies

QueenCarmel · 08/07/2025 16:35

SD is 13. DH and I have been together since she was 5, and we have DD5 and 3. We used to have SD three nights a week but since she started secondary, she’s stopped coming in the week and now rarely at weekends either. We are stricter than her mum on things like homework (she’s behind and it’s rarely done), bedtimes and screen time so she prefers to be at her mum’s house. When she’s here, it’s always under duress and she’s not pleasant to be around. Unfortunately, we have no contact order and have been advised that we are unlikely to get increased time as she’s old enough to decide.

We haven’t seen her since the end of May and she’s ignoring DH’s calls and texts (he has been inviting her here and also to things like the cinema or for a meal with just him). He has just received an email from her mum saying:

”X doesn’t want to come to your house anymore so stop messaging her about it. It’s harassment. She will see you on Saturday if you take her to (nearby city) as she needs new clothes and trainers. She’ll still come on the holidays too.”

The holidays are New York for my sister’s wedding in November and we have been planning a big Caribbean break for next year. I don’t think it’s fair for her to check out of our family entirely except for very expensive holidays.

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Rowen32 · 08/07/2025 20:37

MyRootinTootinBaby · 08/07/2025 20:34

So the only time she wants to see her dad is when he’s spending money on her? She doesn’t want to be contacted (harassed) at any other time? She needs to learn that if she doesn’t attempt to have a relationship, then she doesn’t get to have the nice things.

Exactly this

Butterflyarms · 08/07/2025 20:38

You can lay a ground rule: saying 'people who want to come on the family holidays must participate in the family for the rest of the year' is not unreasonable.

Roosch · 08/07/2025 20:41

Don’t take her to your sisters wedding. If she won’t even see you for half the year then why on earth should she go to your sisters wedding?

Just forgot trying to parent her (as you aren’t responsible for her) and let your DH do any parenting or booking for her. Don’t let her take up your headspace.

Your DH should reply to her mother “I will be in touch with SD and we can work towards any future trips together.

Marmiteontoastgirlie · 08/07/2025 20:42

MageQueen · 08/07/2025 17:18

I just want to add that, while you sound like your heart is in the right place, this is why step parents get a bad rep. DH and I are still together and our children are our joint children. It doesn't matter how moody they are - if we have a holiday planned, we take them both becuase it just isn't an option to leave one behind.

But the moment it's a step child, there seems to be this weird idea that it's okay to exclude one for poor behaviour. I don't get it.

This is true! But OP and DH should make a clear rule. If she wants holidays she needs to visit every second weekend (for example). It’s a healthy boundary to have and also shows that she is loved and wanted.

ThankULord · 08/07/2025 20:44

BreadInCaptivity · 08/07/2025 17:42

SM here and we went through a similar situation at that age.

She will want to spend time with friends and frankly the house that best enables that (and treats) will win out.

In your situation I’d tell your DH to go shopping but give her a monthly clothes budget ie don’t buy all she wants on one trip. More trips (more time with dad) to spend her monthly clothing allowance and this isn’t just bribery, it’s also teaching budgeting and delayed gratification.

I’d also offer (if you have space) the opportunity for sleepovers with her friends. This worked well for us in keeping the door open as it were. Though it didn’t mean we actually spent lots of time with her the fact her friends thought we were really nice and would get pizzas and arrange for them to hang locally to us reflected back on her perceptions of us.

The holidays are more tricky. We had - I’m only going if we go to xyz place. We were clear that family holidays had to be for all the family and came back with options to discuss and made clear that they who pay get the final say.

In your case given the level of current engagement I’d not take her to NYC. I’d say the arrangements have already been made and since you have not visited in 3 months that signalled you did not want be involved in family events (and class this as an event not a holiday).

But I’d also say, we are still organising the family Caribbean holiday, so if you want to come and be involved in the planning for that let us know when you want to come round and talk about it.

I think you need to strike a balance between letting her dictate everything and not giving a reason for her to flounce off. It’s not easy, but your DH needs to realise that he needs to be fair, but not a pushover.

It’s a tricky age and it’s worth keeping that in mind.

Edited

This

qwertyasdfgzxcv · 08/07/2025 20:47

Suck it up. It will be far worse if you don't long term. Morally it stinks, but she is also only 13 and who knows how she is feeling. Coming on the holiday might be what she needs to reconnect. Perhaps reassess after the holiday

Yetanothernewname101 · 08/07/2025 20:49

I had a DSD like yours. Shared parenting, known her since she was little etc.
She hit her teens, voted with her feet to be with the Disney parent who didn't hold boundaries and didn't seem to mind abusive backchat. She would come round for Christmas lunch and go on holiday with us, but boyfriend had to come too. We agreed to anything she demanded so her parent would actually get to see her once in a blue moon. She essentially treated us like a walking cash machine, if she was going to get bought something it was worth her time. If it was to just spend time with us or see grandparents, no thanks.
She's now grown up. We only ever see her or hear from her if she wants something. Then it's total love bombing until she gets what she wants, and she vanishes again faster than Roadrunner. She does it with her grandparents too, not just us.
So be wary of setting a precedent where you're essentially buying her time. Going to the family wedding when she's not seen any of you for 6 months is bonkers. Does she think she will be able to do a sightseeing and shopping trip and the wedding is just a day at most? I would be saying no to that, it's essentially taking a random unpredictable teenager with you and if you can't trust her to respect boundaries or even spend a coffee time with you before she rocks up at the airport, she reaps what she sows.

Roosch · 08/07/2025 20:51

Seventree · 08/07/2025 20:33

Where are you going to leave your shared DDs when you go on holiday if they go through periods of being hard work?

She's your husband's child, he can't exclude her (and given how fractured their relationship is, he needs to make the most of any opportunity he gets to spend time with her). If you're worried about your sister's wedding, suggest he does something else with her on that day.

You can leave your own DCs with grandparents / other family members if they have been truly vile and ought to know better.

She is not OPs child and definitely doesn’t need to be dragged along to OPs family events.

SnoopyPajamas · 08/07/2025 20:53

I'd make it a hard no on the wedding, and a provisional no on the holiday. Tell her / her mum that you don't feel comfortable giving her so much alone time in a strange city. Not while her behaviour is so unsettled. It makes her vulnerable, and this isn't an occasion where you can cater to that. It's safer to leave her at home. This news should come from DH, not you - stay a step back from all of this. And DH should be clear the ship has sailed - nothing she can do now will restore the New York trip.

With regard to the holiday, I'd explain that you're concerned about how little time she's spending with the family, and the effect it's having on her relationship with her siblings. See what she says. If she cares how upset they are by not seeing her. If she doesn't, DH should explain to her that you all love her and the door is always open to her, but she can't just drop by for the fun stuff after six months of silence. She needs to make more of an effort to be part of the family.

She's 13. That's old enough to be a little bit grown up about her siblings. To learn that they look up to her and she needs to put the effort in, and try to be a good role model. She has responsibilities as an older sister. Try treating her like an adult on this one, and see if she rises to it. She may surprise you.

DH also needs to have a conversation with her about not being a user, frankly. It's easy for the children of separated parents to fall into the habit of rewarding the parent who 'gives' them the most, but it's not healthy and it shouldn't be encouraged. She will grow up to carry that attitude forward into all her relationships. Her mum should be enforcing that lesson already, but as she isn't, well . . . DSD has only got one other parent to do it, and that's DH. He needs to step up.

She is only 13, she's still forming her identity, and this is one of those things she needs loving, but firm, direction on. It's not okay to be selfish. It's not okay to take advantage of people who love you. Is that who you are? Is that who you want to be? These questions are important for her development, and she needs to start asking them of herself.

StrawberryCranberry · 08/07/2025 20:54

Roosch · 08/07/2025 20:51

You can leave your own DCs with grandparents / other family members if they have been truly vile and ought to know better.

She is not OPs child and definitely doesn’t need to be dragged along to OPs family events.

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You may be able to but some of us can't! My parents and MIL are all in their 80s and not up to looking after an errant teenager.

MyMoneyIsAllSpent · 08/07/2025 20:58

No to holiday and no to wedding. Shopping trip okay but financially limited. Give in and she will grow up to be a scheming, grabby, manipulative and unpleasant individual. Just my opinion but if you reward that behaviour that is what you can expect.

Roosch · 08/07/2025 20:59

StrawberryCranberry · 08/07/2025 20:54

You may be able to but some of us can't! My parents and MIL are all in their 80s and not up to looking after an errant teenager.

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Yes I understand.
I just mean that a badly behaved teenager does not automatically get to go on every family trip, whether they are biological or step!

Rainbowqueeen · 08/07/2025 21:02

I’d sit down with DH and write out a letter setting our expectations for the New York trip. Set out the timeline eg family meal on x date, wedding on x date, sight seeing x date. Note that it is a formal NewYork wedding and expectations for all guests are socialising, dancing etc with no phones or whatever it is. Say that although there are some non negotiables that you need to spend sone time with her to talk about how the free time that you as a family have will be spent so that you can make plans that include the things she wants to do as well as the things that others want to do.

Send it to her and her mum. See if she will engage with you on that. If she does and on the trip she tries to kick off remind her of the clear expectations of the kind of trip it was and that she came with those expectations and now needs to meet them.

Also have a back up plan, involving a sitter who can be with her.

I would not make any decisions about the carribean holiday just yet.

fount · 08/07/2025 21:07

She's a child. She doesn't get to make the rules. It's complicated, with her mother failing to do what's best for her own child, but the bottom line should be that either she's part of the family or she's not. If she wants to be part of the fun stuff (expensive holidays and shopping trips), she has to participate as a member of the family at other times, too. Already sneaking out at 12! She's headed down a dangerous road if something doesn't change. I wouldn't be rewarding her poor behaviour with luxury holidays.

Isthisit22 · 08/07/2025 21:09

You would be crazy to take her to this wedding. Other holidays yes, but not something so important to your family, no.
She needs to have consequences to her choices even at 13.
If she can rebuild your trust and see you regularly then she goes on the Caribbean holiday but absolutely not your family wedding.

LightDrizzle · 08/07/2025 21:11

It would be a no to the wedding from me and a we’ll see on the Caribbean.

You have to put your sister first and the thought of DSD having a tantrum because she’s asked to put her phone away or something is just horrific. Personally I’d only exclude her from the holiday if things get even worse. You have to really try but if she comes on that and is a prat then I think it would be fine to say no more until there is a change in attitude.

Roosch · 08/07/2025 21:11

Rainbowqueeen · 08/07/2025 21:02

I’d sit down with DH and write out a letter setting our expectations for the New York trip. Set out the timeline eg family meal on x date, wedding on x date, sight seeing x date. Note that it is a formal NewYork wedding and expectations for all guests are socialising, dancing etc with no phones or whatever it is. Say that although there are some non negotiables that you need to spend sone time with her to talk about how the free time that you as a family have will be spent so that you can make plans that include the things she wants to do as well as the things that others want to do.

Send it to her and her mum. See if she will engage with you on that. If she does and on the trip she tries to kick off remind her of the clear expectations of the kind of trip it was and that she came with those expectations and now needs to meet them.

Also have a back up plan, involving a sitter who can be with her.

I would not make any decisions about the carribean holiday just yet.

Thats bending over backwards.

I don’t think it is fair to risk OPs sister’s wedding for the teenager. Teenager isn’t participating in her step mothers family so isn’t invited to her stepmother’s family event, full stop.

Louoby · 08/07/2025 21:21

So basically, she won’t come to you to be apart of your family but happily blackmail you to take her shopping as she needs clothes and trainers! Then saying she will still come on your holidays. I would say she cannot pick and choose when she is apart of the family. I would go back and say that she needs to continue being apart of your family. She is only 13 and it sounds as if her mum has significant influence.
As for stricter rules at your house. I kind of think rules need to be the same in both households. You being stricter is obviously pushed her away and probably an unnecessary use of power. I don’t agree with letting her getting away with everything but compromise from you would help!

Clarabell77 · 08/07/2025 21:22

Rhaidimiddim · 08/07/2025 18:59

This is why we need the 'laugh' emoji back.

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That’s why it was removed. 🙄

MellowPinkDeer · 08/07/2025 21:23

She sounds bratty and entitled and I don’t care if she’s the ‘poor step kid’ or the Queen of Sheba; I wouldn’t be taking her on holiday or buying her stuff. Relationships are two way. She doesn’t want to play ball, then she’s opting out.

JuliaSG · 08/07/2025 21:25

QueenCarmel · 08/07/2025 16:51

We haven’t discussed it properly yet but he will probably do whatever she says to maintain contact.

The thought of the wedding is particularly stressful as I’m in the wedding party so DH will need to be looking after the little ones. At the moment, SD is very argumentative and prone to sneaking off and I don’t want any drama overshadowing the wedding. I also wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her in a hotel room alone.

SD is a teenager; a teenager who has an absent father. What do you expect really?

MooseLooseAboutTheHoose · 08/07/2025 21:29

JuliaSG · 08/07/2025 21:25

SD is a teenager; a teenager who has an absent father. What do you expect really?

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Sorry, how is OPs DH absent exactly? They had practically 50/50 care of his daughter?

Lucytheloose · 08/07/2025 21:35

StrawberryCranberry · 08/07/2025 17:00

I know it's tempting to say "well she can't come on the holiday then". But it would be better for her to come than to not see her at all.

How? Not seeing her at all sounds like a win to me.

SpryCat · 08/07/2025 21:42

I would not take her to your sister’s wedding, as it will be too stressful for you all and boring for a teen.
I would take her on the big family holiday, your little ones will be happy playing by the pool or on a beach and easy to please. Your H will have to spend time away from you and spend some one on one time with his DD, it may be exactly what they both need and she can spend time with her younger siblings.

Cherrysoup · 08/07/2025 21:45

Why would he be alone in a hotel room during the wedding?