To not want SD coming on these holidays anymore?

[QueenCarmel]

SD is 13. DH and I have been together since she was 5, and we have DD5 and 3. We used to have SD three nights a week but since she started secondary, she’s stopped coming in the week and now rarely at weekends either. We are stricter than her mum on things like homework (she’s behind and it’s rarely done), bedtimes and screen time so she prefers to be at her mum’s house. When she’s here, it’s always under duress and she’s not pleasant to be around. Unfortunately, we have no contact order and have been advised that we are unlikely to get increased time as she’s old enough to decide.

We haven’t seen her since the end of May and she’s ignoring DH’s calls and texts (he has been inviting her here and also to things like the cinema or for a meal with just him). He has just received an email from her mum saying:

”X doesn’t want to come to your house anymore so stop messaging her about it. It’s harassment. She will see you on Saturday if you take her to (nearby city) as she needs new clothes and trainers. She’ll still come on the holidays too.”

The holidays are New York for my sister’s wedding in November and we have been planning a big Caribbean break for next year. I don’t think it’s fair for her to check out of our family entirely except for very expensive holidays.

I think I would be seriously considering the future of the marriage at this point, I think the likelihood of a totally out of control teen arriving in a home with two younger children in the future would make me want to have a home of my own where they could be shielded from that.

DH shouldn’t be considering an expensive shopping trip or an extra holiday to New York, I hope your finances are completely separate. He can try to buy his daughter’s time and affection, but she will become a very unpleasant young woman at this rate.

We do have separate finances and usually we pay 50/50 for bills (similar earnings). Because of the amount he spends on SD for CMS and other shopping, he has less spare cash and lower savings. So realistically I was going to be footing most of the spending money for the holidays, and I generally end up spending more on DDs.

It’s frustrating to be honest.

I’m sure she’ll be thrilled to be just going to NY with her dad and to get out of the boring parts.

Yeah. I am. I used to feel like DH and I were united, and I still do believe we would be if we had SD full-time (or at least more). But we don’t and we’re not united on how to deal with this.

My cousin ended up like this…lived with her mum and wanted cash only from her dad. Ended up on the pill at 13 because she was sexually active with a 19 year-old man (Mum allowed him to stay over and enabled it). Mum and cousin hurled abuse at Dad for years. Cousin got pregnant at 26 with a bloke who had no job, so she moved in with her dad, who took care of her and the baby financially, yet still got verbal abuse. My cousin couldn’t hold down a job and even got arrested at one point. She was totally enabled to do whatever she wanted, and it was a constant battle between Mum and Dad, with Dad trying to “buy” her. Sadly, she died at age 39.

Very difficult situation in that case. I hope things work out for you all, somehow.

@U53rName that’s really sad, I had two cousins who although their parents were together followed a similar path, it didn’t end as badly as for your cousin, but there were teen pregnancies and endless unsuitable relationships with domestic violence.

It may seem easier to give difficult teens what they want, but the lack of boundaries and learning acceptable ways to treat other people can have very serious long lasting consequences 😔

It’s not fair that your DH spends more on his eldest and then you have to cover the costs of your own two DD. Might be worth noting that if you were separated he would have to pay CMS to you also, for two children. And if he wasn’t willing to go “above and beyond” the expected amount for your two what does that say exactly?

Maybe make crystal clear if you divorce you expect your dc to be also treated to The Personalised Trips and as how he intends to treat them all equally on his wage... Because he is risking sibling relationships going forward when your joint dc realise dsd is The Golden Child. Wonder how he rates for them in terms of respect then?

Shocked at your update @QueenCarmel, if my husband decided to reward his daughters shitty behaviour with a private trip to New York then I’d be getting divorced. What a ridiculous notion ffs. He needs to stop being such a wet blanket.

That’s really sad and I hope SD doesn’t go down that route but I can see it happening, unfortunately. She’s at an age where she needs consistency, boundaries and strong role models but we can’t provide that from afar.

I miss SD a lot and I’m really sad about this situation. It wasn’t what I imagined at all when I met her as a little kid.

What a horrible situation you’ve been put in by her Mum mainly but also by your SD.
A monthly spending spree is not “contact” with family, and I think DH is clutching at straws if he thinks it is!
Hate to say it but if nice holidays and big shopping trips weren’t a possibility, which aren’t in many blended families, it seems like you wouldn’t see her for dust?!

Would you consider family or couples therapy? It seems like you otherwise have a good marriage and are both committed parents and stepparent..it would be sad to lose what you have over this crisis created by the ex wife and the SD.

Everyone on MN complains about Disney dads but then a father actually parents and that’s also wrong.

We have had the same situation. Dsd was always choosy about whether to see her dad since i first met her at 9, it always involved 'what are you doing then' i believe she was given too much power from too young an age. It got better when dh saw my sons visitation with his dad, set schedule no drama a mix of days out and normal family time and he starting putting his foot down and we had regular contact with no drama until she was 13 almost 14. Dsd mum had an argument with my dh over money (he paid a debt for her as it was time critical and then deducted it off the next months money and she expected to get it paid) and she ended the conversation with well dsd isn't happy and wants to speak to you. Lots of made up stuff which he responded to but the result is she has only stayed over once since (now 17)

He still does shopping trips as its the only reliable way to see her, she hardly sees her little bother and what makes it worse is we are always there picking up dss so the (car) door is literally always open. We also still include on holidays/pay pocket money/phone and driving lessons. I firmly believe one day when she is an adult she'll see that we were always consistent, always supportive, always there and she'll appreciate it.

I know how hard it is to not want to invite them on the holidays as you feel they don't deserve it but put it aside i believe it will be worth it in the long run and i know how hurtful it is that they don't seem to want a relationship with your children but teenagers are selfish creatures.

I think let dad have a frank conversation with her about her behaviour that its not acceptable and he needs to see an improvement and expectations for New York i.e its a family trip not sightseeing and shopping and see what her reaction is. I'm sure my sc's would love the idea of a trip to NY but once they realised it would be family meals/wedding/family visits they might not be as keen and let it be known that dh spending time away from the family during the trip and missing events to entertain her will not be happening. You might find she makes the decision for you. All other family holidays she should be included though.

Just to add we are very mindful of her dad being seen as a cash machine but we feel its still his job as a parent to support and provide. So a shopping trip to get new clothes but within a budget, pocket money is £10/wk so not excessive, we have final say on phone contract so its not the latest most expensive model. We also recognise that there will be a narrative at the other house regarding money so this is our way of showing dsd has and always will be treated equally.

The holidays are exceptions rather than the norm - usually it’d be a week in Spain or something.

DH usually takes her on a shopping trip a couple of times a year, often for the January sales and the summer. It cleans out a lot of his disposable cash for that month so doing it monthly will impact on what he can afford to do with me and DDs.

I’m going to let the dust settle for a few days. He knows what I think. I’m really disappointed in the whole thing.

Why on earth not?! OP knew her DH had a child when she married him! She is her stepmother! You cannot treat a stepchild any differently than her own and I sincerely hope you’re not a stepmother!!!!

I hope your DH sees sense, OP. You cannot buy love, however desperate you feel to fix things. It's a nasty trap that will backfire.

Please tell me this is a joke. As I’ve said upthread, I’m usually firmly on the side of stepchildren in these scenarios, but this girl has chosen to cut contact completely with OP and her DDs, why in the name of god would she be spending a penny on her?

DH is trying to take the easy way out, trying to buy her love. This won’t make her happy in the long term. He needs to realise that proper parenting, setting boundaries and expectations is hard, it’s the long game,

OP I’m sorry it’s been so hard and sad. You’re doing the right thing for what it’s worth.

Did dsd send her df a Father's day card?
Does she actually consider him a df or just an atm?

@anitariellelipheIf this SD is excluded from her step mother's sister's wedding, then @QueenCarmel is reinforcing the point that the SD is a "half-member" of the blended family, and not at full membership, like the other children, the SD and her father.

Well said! 👏🏻

you cant just demand things though-she cant say i'll only come if you buy me stuff thats not how life works

sorry your dh cant see this-shes literally just using him for stuff she doesnt really want to see him for quality time together

Discuss what sanctions you and dh would hand out to your joint dc if Heaven for bid they turn out like dsd.. Personally I have left dc home when we have had days out and short trips if they haven't been pleasant.. I mean why would you in those moments want to spend cash and time on ungrateful misbehaved dc?. Meanwhile dsd can do what the sweet hell she likes and still gets the dosh...
Very mixed signals to all of dh's dc.

No, not well said. By the SD no longer being invited to the wedding OP is reinforcing the fact that you can’t treat people like shit, opt out of family life and still continue to manipulate and bleed people dry, and only opt in when you are benefiting financially and materially.

What kind of adult is this girl going to grow up to be if this is the type of behaviour she is rewarded for?

If my DC treated their father and SM like this… actually, I’ll stop that point right there, because over my dead body would they treat them like this. And I can’t stand their father, and my so called friend that he cheated with and then married, but i absolutely would not allow my DC to be raised thinking this behaviour is okay because they would grow up to be self centred, manipulative, users of adults.