DD says she doesn’t want to live here when DSC are around

[Alstac]

dd is 10 and has just told me she doesn’t want to be at home when dsc are here, says she wants to go to her dad’s instead (who fwiw is useless and barely sees her unless it suits him).

she’s very sensitive, always has been, and she just doesn’t get on with them at all. there’s no fighting really but they don’t include her in anything, she feels left out and says she hates how noisy it is when they’re around. she’s an only when they’re not here so i get it’s a lot for her, but it’s upsetting to hear she doesn’t feel at home in her own home.

i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable.

not sure what to do really. just feels like we’re not a proper family and she knows it. anyone been through similar?

Have to agree with others why did you marry him knowing kids would move in eow if dd didn’t like being around them

solution. If dd sees her dad eow , you make it the weekend the dads kids come @Alstac

yes means you will never have a weekend without kids but that’s parenting

And fwiw I had many friends who had a brother and lives in a small 2 bed house. Kids shared

seems to be so much aghast at brother /sister sharing

yes a room each be nice but guessing they have a room each at their mums. They can share at dads

You have to put your on child first. above all else. regardless of what your "D"h wants or thinks. If you put any priority to the DSC then it will damage your daughter and your relationship with her permanently and irrepairably. Can the Step kids go elsewhere on the weekends, or H takes them away in the school hollidays?

This is more Mumsnet bullshit. I lived in a country where you would often have three generations sleeping in the same room. Nothing untoward occurred and no one died.

I also used to spend almost every weekend of the summer camping in a small tent with my brother. With him kicking me in the head when he rolled over. Great memories.

It does seem madness siblings can’t share.

parents need to move house /sleep on sofa so kids get own rooms is all I ever ready on mn

OP, the clashes must have been obvious when you were dating your husband. Why did you marry him? You and your daughter, and his family are not compatible.

I genuinely think it might come to you needing to divorce. I have been that sensitive only child girl. I've been there. You need to put your little girl FIRST. Your husband getting defensive shows his children didn't fall far from the tree in not considering others, and saying that your girl needs to learn to get on with them just goes to show he doesn't get it. It's not about 'getting on with'. It's about a clash of personality and style. She is not coping.

Your little girl is simply not coping. It's simply not working for her. At 10 years of age, she still has a good 8 years at least living at home. That's a lifetime for her. It's not working and she's not coping, and I feel you rushed into getting with him and then married when it must have been obvious it simply was not going to work for your daughter. Her needs must come first. No matter what! I think you really know that you need to separate (maybe you can stay married but live in separate homes, some couples do that). Otherwise your little girl is going to be miserable for the rest of her childhood. Saying she doesn't even want to be in her own home is her crying out for help. Please get her out of this situation. Unless you want her to resent you forever and you never have a close relationship with her. She will need you and to feel secure in her home especially when she goes through puberty. Get her out of this situation now! Choose her wellbeing.

@HANDholdplease0

You should always listen to your gut.

There is nothing to boast about such an unhealthy living condition. Adults need privacy, obviously, and children do need their own space too.

No, I don't disagree. What I meant was (being the eldest of 6) is that I don't know any parents of my generation who take their first child's wishes into consideration. Well, as I was only 16 months old when my next sibling was born, I couldn't have expressed any sort of opinion!

People have children for their self-centred reasons, not for others. And most people think - probably rightly - that the experience of having a sibling is good for people. I think it's been great for me, but it's not easy, sharing one's parents' entire attention. BUt it's a basic and important lesson in life, which only children need to learn in a different way.

Note: I am NOT saying that only children are selfish etc etc etc. Those tired clichés.

But I was laughing at the idea that parents would take into account the wishes of their first DC before they have a second.

Where I think parents should take account of the needs of their DC before haing more is if they can't afford to have more DC without State help (beyond child benefit). That is irresponsible (and my unfashionable opinion is that the 2 child benefit cap is a good thing).

In the UK it is officially considered inappropriate for opposite sex siblings to share a bedroom once the eldest turns 10. Those are the criteria for social housing.

If I think about the successful blended families I know (I do think it can work) the kids themselves have all been on board, excited about it. I think that’s the difference.

OP have you ever discussed if one/both of the SC wanted to move in full time (I’ve seen threads on here, it happens). What if DD has enough and wants to move in with dad full time in a few years?

Honestly I feel like half the posters are just 2-3 individuals changing their names and saying the same things over and over. But that’s mumsnet for you.

There are several people who agree with me, and many more who disagree that it’s necessary for OP or DH and DSC to move out.

You can’t change your name in a thread.

Have you ever considered that some people date for romance, companionship, and love instead of conducting checks notes “economic cost/benefit analyses” of their relationships?

You literally can’t change a name on a thread. Only one username can post. So everyone disagreeing with you is an individual person

It also takes like one whole minute to make another account

How truly bonkers.

It's a recognised safeguarding issue and if you knew how common childhood sexual abuse was and the risk factors for it you'd understand the requirement is not bonkers in the slightest.

It's 'truly bonkers' that boys and girls going through puberty should have appropriate places to sleep that gives them privacy? ???

It's truly bonkers to think that is a 'truly bonkers' thing.

In fact, not allowing a girl going through puberty a private space to sleep away from males is not just 'truly bonkers', it's predatory and neglectful.

Of course, that's where it starts. Under patriarchy we are sold this lie from when we are little girls about how a Prince Charming will come along and sweep us off our feet. I went into dating optimistically, but after taking a reality check, which involved looking at relationships around me, how I had been treated in my own previous relationships, and what few benefits I gained dating versus the cost. I had some fun, an occassional nice date, some adult fun, but it came with stress, drama, bad behaviour, bad manners, disrespect. I bailed, and I am happily single.