DD says she doesn’t want to live here when DSC are around

[Alstac]

dd is 10 and has just told me she doesn’t want to be at home when dsc are here, says she wants to go to her dad’s instead (who fwiw is useless and barely sees her unless it suits him).

she’s very sensitive, always has been, and she just doesn’t get on with them at all. there’s no fighting really but they don’t include her in anything, she feels left out and says she hates how noisy it is when they’re around. she’s an only when they’re not here so i get it’s a lot for her, but it’s upsetting to hear she doesn’t feel at home in her own home.

i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable.

not sure what to do really. just feels like we’re not a proper family and she knows it. anyone been through similar?

It’s tricky because on the one hand many blood siblings don’t get on and they really do just have to suck it up - in only a tiny minority of cases would any parents consider there being any alternative options like live with another family member or parents split up to have one child each but it’s completely different in these types of circumstances. You married a man knowing DD struggled with his DC - that is a situation only you can rectify and she shouldn’t be the one offering solutions to a problem you created. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but you made a choice and DD is living the consequences.

I agree. It can’t be easy for the stepchildren, who in order to spend time with their father now have to visit someone else’s home where the “live in” child (who gets to live with their dad all the time when they don’t) resents them and wants them to tiptoe around being quiet so they don’t disturb her, while they have to share a room and probably can’t see friends etc. who will all be near their mum’s house. They are just kids too and have also been through a family break-up. I wouldn’t expect a 13 year old boy to want to have much to do with a 10 year old girl he doesn’t know well and the 11 year old SD is probably more comfortable with her brother than her stepsister, especially if the stepsister is alternately saying she wants peace and quiet and moaning about being left out.

That makes it sound like I am criticising OP’s DD, which I’m not - I am just trying to see things from the SC’s perspective. I agree that OP should never have put her DD in this situation in the first place and the DD is clearly struggling with a situation over which she had no choice or control. Blending families is so selfish and all about the adults - children are just expected to get on with things. Why the adults can’t have a relationship but not live together is beyond me.

I agree - am also not trying to criticise the OP's DD, it's a tricky situation for all of the children.

I'm glad it's not just me.
Seeing an 11 and 13 year old being described as nasty, obnoxious and even potential abusers on MN of all places is not pleasant.

The three children in this “family” are very much the losers. They had no say at all and yet they live with the consequences

Yeah not ideal although who knows how unhappy she was at the outset. I think it’s also complicated by the fact that the DD has suspected autism and appears to struggle massively socially at school. So I don’t think the SDC have done anything wrong per se - they are being normal children and the OP’s DH is obviously looking out for his own kids. My DN has autism and some of his demands can be frustrating- he wants the whole house to be silent when he’s focusing on something, he will also get upset if he’s not included in things and is not able to see things from others’ viewpoint. His own siblings find him very hard work and he them.
Maybe the DD wasn’t exhibiting these symptoms when they all moved in. I am not sure that the OP leaving her husband is the right solution because the DD will need to learn coping skills generally. If she was being teased and bullied by these children then okay but it doesn’t sound like it. She can’t fully control who lives with her and that could easily be the same if she was in an intact family - some live with in-laws, older siblings partner might live there, some take in lodgers, some have long term houseguests. It’s unrealistic to make out that a child has a complete right to choose who is part of the household (bar the fact that no kid should have to live with someone who is abusive, although thousands of kids actually do, often in the form of older siblings).

Given the ages, I'd be concerned that the DD has heightened general anxiety, does not want to be in the house at the same time as stepbrother, and that he is openly unpleasant to her.

She's vulnerable to abuse.

I don't think the OP has said that he is openly unpleasant to her. She said he mainly ignores her which isn't really the same thing. She seems to mainly complain about noise when they are in the house.

Yep agree, but the OP doesn’t sound particularly happy with the set-up either, so what’s the bloody point?? Maybe her DH is loving life, but I doubt it.

Like someone else said up thread - they should have just remained in separate homes until the children are adults. It keeps the romance alive but more importantly you don’t have to merge these children who are strangers to each other.

Ignoring someone they you live with is “unpleasant behaviour”

It’s not great but so many teen boys ignore their younger siblings. They probably do all need some family therapy and find ways that they can all get along. Just divorcing and moving out is very drastic.

He probably doesn't feel like he lives there though if he goes their every other weekend and half of holidays and then has to share a bedroom with his 11 year old sister whilst he is there. And both the step children get to share their father with another child who he does live with him pretty much full time and doesn't really want them in her house. It doesn't sound ideal for any of the children.

I agree with this.

She doesn’t have to divorce the DH they can just live separately and have a relationship on that basis until their children are older.

I haven't read all the responses and can see that you haven't been back for a while and I'm not surprised given the few responses I did read. I did the reverse to you and kept separate homes that we go between and DD (who is now 20) has now said that she wishes I'd made her move in when she was younger. I listened to her and didn't want to move her away from her friends and the area she grew up in (DH lives 40 minutes away and can't move as his DC are younger). At the end of the day, we all make decisions that we think will work out and sometimes they do and sometimes they don't.

My advice would be to listen without judgement. If she wants to go to her dad's when the DSC are over, let her, but you can also offer other solutions like you and her go shopping together or have days out together which will give her some space from them and also allow your DH to spend quality time with his kids.

Find out from her when it's most challenging. Is it meal times or "family time" perhaps and then address those. Blending families is difficult and routines may need to be different to work. You may need to have separate meal times or ensure she has a set up where she can have more quiet times in the evening without being confined to her room.

Also worth pointing out that these challenges are not unique to blended families. My children are polar opposites with one needing a lot of space and the other one wanting constant attention. We had to work through that to ensure both got what they needed and felt heard.

You and your husband need to make an effort to do things all together when the step children are here. Days out, board games. It sounds like the children don't really know eachother well which leads to the step children pairing up and your daughter feeling left out.

Perhaps you could take the girls somewhere nice one day while your husband takes his son out.

But you could equally say that wincing every time anyone makes any noise is unpleasant.

The SS probably doesn't know what to do when the DD is bothered by his presence, ignoring her might feel to him like what she wants.

Which is why I say all the children need to be talked to individually in a calm open way to understand the issues as I suspect the stepchildren also find all of this quite difficult and would have their own complaints about the DD

That’s fine and dandy if they are both very high earners who can easily split the household in two and maintain two separate homes. That might not be possible. It’s from a position of a lot of financial privilege that people suggest that someone should just move out and get their own place.

One person is an adult
the other is a child
different behaviour expectations

and an adult ignoring the child he lives with is firmly unpleasant behaviour

Wait the person ignoring the daughter is the 13 year old step son. Not an adult.

They are both children!

Oh I thought it was the father ignoring!

my bad

Could you take your DD away for weekend sometimes when step children are with their Dad if it's a bit chaotic, other times take her out for the day at least? Could she go to her Dad's when they stay over holidays?

This.

I don’t understand why anyone would remarry knowing the respective children didn’t get along.

Dont know what you do about it now, OP. Except don’t send her to her (useless) dad. She’ll always remember that you chose your husband and his kids over her.

Personally, honestly I’d live separately until the kids are grown. (Though I wouldn’t have remarried in the first place.)

I don’t see how this argument holds - presumably it’s the OP’s responsibility to provide for her DD as an independent separated parent? This was true before she decided to move in with her new partner and his step kids, and it’s still true now. What were her living arrangements before she met ‘DH’ four years ago when her child was six?
I appreciate it’s cheaper to move in with a new partner and have three kids who want nothing to do with each other squeezed into two bedrooms but actually the OP’s primary responsibility is to provide a happy and healthy living arrangement for her DD and this is proving to be somewhere her DD is actually quite unhappy. For me that would override pretty much all other considerations. Living in a small flat with a loving parent is not a hardship and sounds like DD would far prefer this to her current chaotic ‘blended’ house.