DD says she doesn’t want to live here when DSC are around

[Alstac]

dd is 10 and has just told me she doesn’t want to be at home when dsc are here, says she wants to go to her dad’s instead (who fwiw is useless and barely sees her unless it suits him).

she’s very sensitive, always has been, and she just doesn’t get on with them at all. there’s no fighting really but they don’t include her in anything, she feels left out and says she hates how noisy it is when they’re around. she’s an only when they’re not here so i get it’s a lot for her, but it’s upsetting to hear she doesn’t feel at home in her own home.

i’ve tried talking to dh about it but he gets defensive and says she needs to learn to get on with them. i get it’s hard for him too but i don’t want dd feeling like she has to leave her home just to feel comfortable.

not sure what to do really. just feels like we’re not a proper family and she knows it. anyone been through similar?

This is the step parenting board. This is where people come to get SUPPORT re blended families etc. but no, people will all the opinions and non of the experience wade in. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Have you read the thread? The OP has been back only once since it started and I don’t blame her.

If she never clicked with them why did you blend families? It’s a bit late now to say “sorry DH dd doesn’t get on with your kids they can’t stay anymore!”

Try some noise cancelling headphones, unfortunately if your marriage to work you need to compromise.

They can be though!

Point is… it could just be that the op has No intention of making any changes and so many people telling her to listen to her child who has been making her unhappiness for 4 YEARS and make material changes - and doesn’t really fancy engaging

But you say we’re all being nasty to a step parents

1. it is not nasty to be upset on behalf of a young child who’s been very unhappy from the start but the op completely ignored her and cracked on with her life life
2. The op is not a step parent to the child in question upon which this thread is based

I do think people are being quite harsh about the stepchildren here - the SD is pretty much the same age as the DD, she isn't better equipped to handle the situation particularly.

It can't be easy for them visiting a house with a sensitive child who dislikes them, resents then being there, doesn't want them to change anything about the house or the routine, wants them to leave her alone but also feels left out.

There's no suggestion from the OP that they are mean to her, they probably just struggle to know how to handle her.

All of the children need some help to adapt to each other - the DD needs to make some adaptations and so do the stepchildren.

As I said before - I think the answer here is to reduce but not eliminate the time they spend together which shouldn't be too hard (some time with her dad, some day trips, OP takes DD away for a week or two in the holidays, her DH does same different holiday weeks) and then also to talk to all of the children (potentially individually to start with) to understand the issues

Many of us are SUPPORTING the child in this shit show

What judgement have I seen on this thread

1. you daughter was unhappy from the very outset but you ploughed on and within 2 years of meeting him you moved in together and married shortly thereafter
2. your daughter remains very unhappy but you continue to plough on regardless

you disagree?

OP, did your new DH join you in your house or was it that you joined him in his. It makes a difference in my opinion.
Your child would feel your DSC were intrusive if it was her house they moved into. And she might feel she has no place of her own if it’s your DH’s house she was forced to move into.
I’m thinking it wasn’t a new house for you both, as you would have made sure there were enough bedrooms.

Moving to a bigger house might help if there’s enough space for your DD to feel is purely her own eg a large enough study bedroom with en suite where you can join her to relax and lounge.
Otherwise, I think it’s time to develop, if possible, her idea of moving out to her dad’s every time they move in. I think she has tried hard for long enough and you must take her legitimate concerns very seriously and put her first. The poor girl can’t live like this for another 8 years before moving out for uni or whatever.

Blending families is a massive gamble. Time to realise it didn’t work for your DD and she is now crying out for a proper solution. Her step siblings feel confident and comfortable but she doesn’t. Her feelings are valid.

Help her OP, even if it means you suffer in now facing up to this long standing problem and even if you have to live without her at least 50% of the time.

It’s just a shame that no one could do that without slagging off the OP eh? There is very little practical support / suggestions here. People make life choices all the time and this should be a place for people who make a blended family choice to speak openly and freely without all the bullshit judgement. I wouldn’t wade into a board in which I have no experience and start slagging people off. All the ‘I’m supporting the kids’ is nonsense.

huh? I didn’t post. It seemed so daft that one would even think to get in an arse about fact they didn’t get a Mother’s Day car from teenage step daughters that they’d known less than 5 year, married to their dad for just 2 years and wasn’t especially close to

Heavens… your definition of “lush” is very different to mine!

I don't think it's a troll. The number of people that think they need a new partner to 'fix' lives they are dissatisfied with rather than go to therapy is insane unfortunately. And these people that hold these beliefs also tend to delude themselves the kids will come round to it and it will all be happy families with the wonderful new partner that is going to complete and transform their unhappy lives.

I am a single mum, I did date for a little bit, but economic cost/benefit analysis in the use of my time, dating was generally a disappointment, caused emotional fluctuations, and I decided my time was better spent with female friends or at the gym.

Even when I was dating there is no way I would of entertained Brady bunch style combined families. I prioritise my kids way too much to put them through it. They didn't chose to be born, and shouldn't be forced to live with someone that makes them uncomfortable in their own home that they are not related to.

However, I do genuinely feel sorry for women in this economy that are financially struggling and take a punt on their lives being better splitting the bills with a man. I don't agree with it, but this economy does force some difficult choices and people gamble thinking they will win.

I would be very surprised (and relieved) if this was a troll

Tbf there are so many shitshow “intact” families on here that I don’t think you can distinguish in the way you do. All the posts about “my DH is a great dad but also cheats, hits me, verbally abuses the kids, etc etc”. I grew up first in an intact family with my bio parents, then in a blended one and you ain’t gonna like which one I massively preferred.

Oh agreed absolutely

but this…. This… is a scenario where the op knew from the very outset her daughter was unhappy and steam rolled onwards anyway