Boundaries - goodwill or taking the piss ?

[Profpudding]

I absolutely acknowledge that my perspective might be skewered here by the fact that my ex-husband and I split up and that was it. We agreed on the nights that we would have the children and we stuck to it like glue.
On the very rare occasions that my ex needs to swap, I will accommodate it
But I would never ask him to be honest. I’d rather make whatever I need Work work then be reliant on his Goodwill.
So this is completely alien to me.
Very much at the Dating stage.
His ex has a crisis with her family.
And he needs to cancel on me with less than an hour notice.
The first time it happened I greeted my teeth and smiled
It’s happened this evening again and I’ve gotta be honest. I can’t even speak to him. I’m livid.
If his child needed him, I would expect him to put his fork down and get in the car and go.
But this was very much a her problem.
And the first person that she’s called is him for assistance.
And he’s jumped to it
It’s almost as if he’s afraid to say no to her.
I don’t even know if I can be bothered to have the conversation or whether to just wrap it up.
He seems to think that this is perfectly acceptable behaviour and he’ll see me next week 😳

He has no boundaries with her. Cut it off before it consumes you.

my ex once walked out leaving me alone in a restaurant because she wanted something. It was early, like you, I was like hmm ok he spun it that he didn’t want the kids affect (situation at hand didn’t affect them)

it was a sign of things to come. No boundaries. She even had him doing her shopping 🤦🏼‍♀️ under the guise of.. it’s for the kids. She only had to use those words and he’d go. Somehow her doctors appointments, late leaving work, trips to town were all for the kids.

I just sent him a text which is probably not the best means of communication saying, No woman is ever going to come second to your ex girlfriend‘s father 🙄

Yep cut this one loose OP it would be a nightmare x

Dropping things in an emergency to help with child care absolutely. Messing you around to facilitate her life- no.
My boyfriend does have a chaotic ex and it does cause issues. I would not recommend.

Did he reply??

I have Friday evening brain and didn't follow the message you sent him. So maybe a more blunt one like 'Didn't realise you were still so emotionally entangled with your ex, don't think this will work out for us'1

Ime you absolutely need to let him go..
It or will consume you.

I didn’t understand to start with either, but I think the OP meant “I am not prepared to come second to your ex”?

Is her father ill? If the crisis is that his ex FIL is deathly ill then I think YAB really U.

Her father is old and will continue to be old and will have all sorts of health related issues no doubt For the next 5 to 10, maybe even 20 years.
Which is her problem not his.

I think he’s got the message that he’s been released back into the wild because you’re absolutely right.

So what was the crisis? Was he deathly ill? I mean you can break up with anyone for any reason you like, but a man responding to ex FIL being ill and taking his children so their grandfather can go to hospital/get care isn't unreasonable of him. I think it's lovely of him.

I didn’t ask, but no, I don’t believe he was dealthly, just generally ill.
And He was never the father-in-law so there’s no emotional attachment on his side.
I appreciate she might want to do it gone to visit her father. She didn’t need To be there for him to get host treatment, he has a wife, but you know when you’ve got a kid you can’t do everything that you want to do can you?
It was lovely, but I wonder if you’d feel it was so lovely if you were sat in a towel blow drying your hair, having rushed around like a blue arsed fly after work and arranged your own childcare, got cancelled in order of him to go and be lovely you would think he was quite so lovely.

I assume they were together for a while if they have kids so despite not being married he was a FIL and so there will be an emotional connection, odd you wouldn't think so? My ex (we weren't married either), who is an arsehole, would drop everything if my father was ill and so would I for him. We were together a long time and I love his family and he did mine.

I would think he was a decent man to be honest and it would make me like him more. As I said you can break things off for any reason you like, but I think your attitude is actually really mean and I judge you more than him.

No, they weren’t together at all ever.

So they just had a baby together and weren't in a relationship? One night stand type thing? I still don't think he's being unreasonable, it's a human and empathetic thing to do.

Sounds like you have ended it anyway so it's a moot point.

So she isn't his ex?
Are any of the kids his?
Or are we talking about him dropping everything to help out a woman he once slept with?

Why did you refer to her as his ex, and send him a text calling her his ex girlfriend if they "weren't together ever"

Details are not relevant.
Whether they were together for 20 years or 20 minutes, they’re not together now.
He is not her man Friday And to be honest, it doesn’t matter whether Dad was having a heart attack or an ingrowing toe nail. She has other options. She has to use them or he has to spend his life on his own running around after her either way not my circus not my monkeys.

I hope this is made up otherwise I am concerned you've had an empathy bypass. Of course it makes a difference if they've been together 20 years and have known and loved each other's families and if her dad's going to imminently die. You're being ridiculous and to be honest, he's had a lucky escape, you sound insane.

Compared to the other issues I read about on here, people resenting little children, being unkind to them, not wanting them in their houses etc im very sane thank you

My DP used to do this, drop me to do something for his ex. His ex’s mum was in hospital with Covid 3 years ago and he dropped everything to drive her to her mum even though her dad had a car and lived around the corner. In the last years he has realised how she has played with him. Also when she had a baby with her partner and asked him to go and get shopping for them on the way to pick up his children. Yes, it hurts when you feel like they drop everything for ex but they often see what is going on themselves.

He thinks it’s perfectly fine. I sat down with him and asked him for reassurance that it wouldn’t happen again. And he assured me that it absolutely would and that he would be the kind of person that would do the same for me
But of course I would never ask

That is sad. I’m the sort of person that wouldn’t ask either.

You weren't meant to be together.

You don't seem to have much empathy and it does matter whether they were together for 20 minutes or 20 years. Strange that you think that's irrelevant.

It's good to know what you're able to tolerate in a relationship and call time when it's not working for you. To many people in your position moan and whinge, but remain in the relationship.