Boundaries - goodwill or taking the piss ?

[Profpudding]

I absolutely acknowledge that my perspective might be skewered here by the fact that my ex-husband and I split up and that was it. We agreed on the nights that we would have the children and we stuck to it like glue.
On the very rare occasions that my ex needs to swap, I will accommodate it
But I would never ask him to be honest. I’d rather make whatever I need Work work then be reliant on his Goodwill.
So this is completely alien to me.
Very much at the Dating stage.
His ex has a crisis with her family.
And he needs to cancel on me with less than an hour notice.
The first time it happened I greeted my teeth and smiled
It’s happened this evening again and I’ve gotta be honest. I can’t even speak to him. I’m livid.
If his child needed him, I would expect him to put his fork down and get in the car and go.
But this was very much a her problem.
And the first person that she’s called is him for assistance.
And he’s jumped to it
It’s almost as if he’s afraid to say no to her.
I don’t even know if I can be bothered to have the conversation or whether to just wrap it up.
He seems to think that this is perfectly acceptable behaviour and he’ll see me next week 😳

I don’t think it does make a difference because I’m drawing on my personal experience. I was with somebody for 15 years. And I would not ask them For anything we’re done, we’re finished.

Yeah you should let him go. He sounds like a kind person who genuinely cares about people in his life whether they are together or not.

You sound totally lacking in empathy and cut people off clinically.

You are simply not compatible, and he would become miserable trying to make you happy by going against his own values.

So bizarre that you have diminished their relationship like some blip on the radar even though they have a child/ children but have posted this is in the step parenting board when you are most definitely not a step parent 😂

Am an outlier here but I think he sounds decent… as if it’s a her problem it’s also a his kids problem if she has very little support. You are a new partner so think it’s right that it takes some time for some people to prioritise that over their ex and children if there’s some drama going on. Just because they are separated doesn’t mean they can’t support each other.

Just because you and your ex do things differently doesn’t make it the gold standard way of doing things. But if it’s the gold standard to you and you can’t underarms where he’s coming from then yes, it’s a mismatch and a problem

You’re a bit late to this one I’m afraid. Long gone.
I’ve always said I wouldn’t date anybody with children in this very much confirmed it was the right decision

He is he’s lovely and I completely understand helping out when you can.
He’s just trying to do too much. Something has to give and it’s dating for now Dating when you’ve got a little child is never going to be easy is it?

Oh! Good you made a decision! Yes both having children is def a massive trial. I couldn’t care less if my partner was supporting his ex though, I’d welcome it. But there’s a million other bigger issues for me… how the children get on, how he treats my child when his is around and his is behaving badly. It’s a can of worms I think I might close too

Supporting his ex when he’s free and available to do so no issue with whatsoever and I made that crystal clear.
But when it impacts my life and chops and changes arrangements with me, I’ve got every right to put my foot down and say no that doesn’t work
He then has every right to make a decision accordingly as to what happens next
As it is apparently he was going to make it up to me.
But he never did because the poor bugger has got no time. I didn’t want him on the back foot cowtailing to me, That’s not sexy

He obviously doesn’t want to created the time or space in his life to put in the effort needed to nurture a new relationship.

He doesn’t need to say no to his child in order for that to happen. But he does need to put in some boundaries with the ex. Saying no to the ex’s unreasonable demands is not the same as saying no to his child.

No self-respecting woman - especially a single mother - should be expected to be okay with constantly having her plans changed at the last minute and all the attendant headaches that can bring with childcare, babysitting favours wasted, money wasted, etc.

It’s simply out of order.

Thank you I very much appreciate that comments because you’re right. There was expense both from a time perspective and monetary to being messed around.
He done it previously, but it was to care for the child which I’ve got no issue with whatsoever.
I think you have to draw the line somewhere, though

I mean, even if he hated the man, the emotional attachment is in relation to his children and their grandfather surely.

I think it depends on the severity of the illness and the age of the children. If she’s had to dash off in the evening, and the children are young, of course their father is the most sensible person to contact. In fact, I’ve seen threads on here from women who want to insist that if their ex ever cannot be with the children, they get called first.

I think it very much depends on what his ex was expecting him to do? Drive her to the hospital? Drive her to the hospital and stay with her? Or look after his children? What kind of emergency was it? Vastly different from a life threatening suspected stroke to tripping over the cat and hurting a foot. If it's an emergency, and she needed to get to the hospital, and therefore she wanted him to look after his children, that's not unreasonable. After all they are his children. Context is required here. Genuine emergency, it's not unreasonable but if it wasn't, and her Mum could have dealt with the issue, then yes, it's unreasonable to expect her ex to step in. She needs to have other options or accept unless it truly is an emergency, she shouldn't be relying on her ex partner. If your partner had been out of the country, what would she have done?!! It's not beyond the realms of possibility that this could happen. She needs to have other options and your partner needs to put boundaries in place.

She does have empathy, she just has boundaries.

The ex's dad's feeling ill is bugger all to do with him. Ex has her whole family and friends network that are appropriate to lean on. Not her ex boyfriend who has zero to do with anyone but the child they had. She needs to learn to live with the fact that he's not the "man in her life" for anything other than child related issues. Sounds like he hasn't got that memo either, because they're both twisting the narrative that an ex boyfriend is the first port of call to sort out and ex girlfriends visitation to her dad is a "child issue".

It's hardly bizarre.

It's a post about someone having kids with other people, yet you are in the relationship with them.

Exactly what the step parenting board is about.

It's the most relevant board.

I mean, when it’s my personal business, I’m more than happy to slap it all over the Internet and give you the details but it’s not in this case so you’ll just have to take my word for it. It’s not what most of us would’ve constituted an emergency that required her mum in attendance and her in attendance.
But the main thing for me is it it’s something that probably is gonna happen a lot to elderly parents and is he gonna hop to it every single time?
That’s his decision to make, but he’s not dragging me into it

Hmn, I’m split because DP definitely gets pulled into things because ex finds a way of making it for the kids but in this case im
not sure, her dad is his child’s grandfather, it’s not like having him bring her headache tablets to her work (yes DP has done this)

It’s not really what the activity is. If he wants to take her headache tablets in his own time, fine, I don’t actually don’t care. I really don’t.
But when he’s wasting my time, it had better be life or death and it wasn’t. That was my only issue.
I think I said that in the original post

If it wasn't an emergency, a real emergency like a suspected stroke, and her Mum was perfectly capable of dealing with the situation, then no I don't think you've been unreasonable. It's reasonable to expect her to have other options, as it is to expect your partner to have firm boundaries in place. Like I said, what would have happened if you'd both been away abroad or the other side of the country? She'd have had to have found an alternative.

I didn’t see this thread originally, only today, but love reading about a strong woman who knew her own mind & wasn’t prepared to be put second to an ex (not the kids). Well done for knowing your worth & having boundaries Op. You deserve so much more!

Thank you, I kinda wish it hadn’t popped back up because I’d put it to bed mentally and moved on. I was quite sad, but he’s signing himself up for a lifetime of bullshit. He either needs to find a woman that will put up with that or be single
But it ain’t me ☺️

Totally agree.It didn’t sound like he was helping his children, just running around after the ex

Maybe I’ve just paved the way for the next person he dates to have an easier time 😭

I had to end a relationship in similar circumstances but I left it far longer in the hope he would be able to move on, but in reality and upon reflection (though of course I could see it at the time!) I was just an add on and would always come second to his ex’s demands unless I headed it off at the pass. It was exhausting. Many years later and I wonder if he ever truly moved on, or if he just became irrelevant.

Quite possibly.

If you haven't been together long you should really not be getting so worked up about this.

He's a parent and still trying to work out how to co-parent - maybe he was worried about his kids, maybe he wants to help her out when he can

From another perspective - why should he prioritise a new girlfriend over chance to see his kids - maybe he misses them? Maybe he's scared to fall out with her.

Don't be angry ! Just walk away if you don't like it.