Young step mum to 4

[Poodledoodle134]

Hello, I just wanted to reach out and see if there were any other people in my situation and feel the same. I’m 24 and became a full time step mum to 4 kids when I was 22. My partner and I are healthy and happy, we are getting married next year and I couldn’t have asked for better Step kids. They are all different ages with the oldest not being much younger than I so I get to experience different parental relationships with them all (if that makes sense?).
Of course it isn’t always easy, kids are kids and as a child brought up with a step mum I’d like to think I know how it feels when times get rough for the kids.

However, sometimes I can’t help but feel lonely, as I can’t relate to a lot of people in my situation and being still quite young myself. We have a break from the kids as they go to their other parents house every other weekend, and when these weekends roll around I find myself grieving the person I used to be in my early 20s. I was in my 2nd year of uni studying to be a paramedic and I dropped out (which I regret massively), I lived in a house share that I loved and I felt I was in such a good place with my anxieties. I now work behind a computer with a job that suits around my kids school. Not my ideal job but as parents we make sacrifices and it keeps my family financially secure. Please don’t think I don’t want the life I have chosen, I wouldn’t change it, I just want to know that I’m not alone! I’ve googled groups in my area, even just for stepparents to go to and talk, but I’ve found nothing.

Any advice would be appreciated, thank you so much for taking the time to read this 😃

You shouldn't be sacrificing your life for kids who actually have parents of their own.
You will be very disposable if the relationship goes pear shaped.
The parents should be paying/sacrificing/doing the childcare with you offering to help here and there when it suits.
You are being hugely used and taken advantage of.

I think this is one of those threads where the OP probably won't be coming back, or at least not to engage in any meaningful way, given the number of responses she's had. These threads that really pique everyone's interest and gain lots of traction because of some outrageous situation, moral dilemma, or because they really polarises opinion are always the only posts under that user name and we rarely hear from that poster again.

They all have a sort of hallmark quality about them which I am starting to think of as the Bored Panda effect. If you know what I mean.

You have given up a brilliant career which will help others and ultimately fulfil you....to wipe someone else's kids' bums?

You are either crazy or brainwashed OP.

Go back to your studies.

Fuck that. I think you’re absolutely mad to give up your youth to raise someone else’s kids.

I’m trying to be helpful OP …. read the above carefully at least 10x
The responsibilities in this relationship are extremely unfair to you.

They're not your kids. It's absolutely not on you to sacrifice your career for children who have two parents.

In a nutshell.

Hi, You have just taken on a monumental life task. She must be a hellava woman!
I write about my own experience under the name The Step Witch on Substack and Medium. Four children. The youngest, biologically mine, and the other 3, his left to him by the abdicating mother. I was 36 at the time. Old enough to know better and now old enough to know I just should not have undertaken this. There are many stories. There was some joy but... Ahead of you will be things that you could not have foreseen. Run! Seriously, Run! If your lover thinks enough of you she will continue the relationship on her parenting time off while you go back to your study. Look after you because when the chips are down - and they will be- no one else will consider you. Read my post about being thought of as "Only the Nanny". Bless you... but bless yourself first!

Go back to uni! You’re DP should 100% support this and if not your not getting enough back from him. Many people (including me) work shifts around childcare and no one should ever give up uni to support other people’s children!
You’re far too young to give up your dreams for this much responsibility.

I dated a man much older than me in my late teens / early 20s and spent a reasonable amount of time looking after his 3 children / doing family stuff. Only on a weekend tbf so not full time (they mostly lived with their mum).

I look back now and am embarrassed about some of the stuff I thought & said about their mum. She’s far from perfect but was left in a really shit position by my (our) ex.

anyway, as difficult as the situation was, and as much of my life it took up (which it did - no girly holidays, clubbing etc) at no point did I ever give up my career plans! In fact my ex financially supported me while I was at uni & post graduate education.

When we split up I clearly remember driving to work the next day thinking how glad I was I still had my car and my job. I felt like I’d lost everything else (my family, my home, my future) but there was serious solace in knowing I had my good job, education behind me and even just the car in my name was really important to me.

so please OP just think about what you’re doing. You need to be an individual person with your own hopes & dreams and assets and values. No one whom loves you would ever expect you to give up being a paramedic in order to look after their kids. It’s completely unreasonable, and I think deep down you know it.

what does your girlfriend do in all this?

You are ruining your life.

You’ve given up your education and your life and are working a part-time office job that you hate to raise kids that aren’t even yours.

It’s not your responsibility to work school hours! These kids have two parents. You are not one of them.

There’s a reason your much older boyfriend chose you. Any woman his own age would realise what he wants from her - a woman to give up her own life when his kids are there, to cook, to clean, to have sex with him and look after the children he had with another woman.

You are only 22. You do not realise what you are giving up. You should be studying and travelling the world and meeting people your own age! You should be grabbing life by the balls!!

As parents we do make sacrifices for our children - but these are not your children. You shouldn’t be the one to make sacrifices.

This isn’t your family - you shouldn’t be financially providing for these kids.

You should be finishing your education so you can get a higher paying job so that when you have children of your own you can support them and use those finances to take them places and give them experiences.

I guarantee you that if you have children with this man your life will be hard. You will want to provide more for your child but your money will go towards your step kids. Your husband will put his first four children before your child and will expect your child to go without so that his children can be taken care of.

It’s not worth it. None of this is worth it.

What are you talking about? The OP’s boyfriend is a man. Or was there a reveal later on that this older person she is dating is a female?

FFS these aren’t your children!!

Read the thread @Muffinmam before making multiple posts without the facts!!
Your point stands but come on, it’s hardly helping to misunderstand the sexes

Yes, @muffinman, there was. Check before accusing everyone else of being wrong. Makes no difference to the situation though, if its real.

You're far, far too young to be taking this on, OP. You haven't fully fledged into your own life and now you're rescuing your partner and her children.

Read this thread
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amiunreasonable/5330369-regret-is-ruining-me

and think again. Talk to your parents, your siblings, the friends who really love you and ask them, honestly, what they think. And when they say 'We love you and we think this is a mistake and we think you need to finish your paramedic training and be in work and earning and living the life of a 20-something' don't be angry with them for not humouring you. Thank them for their honesty.

I don't want you to get to 30 and find yourself alone, without a proper career or qualifications or a home. I don't want you to get into your 50s and look back and think 'Why did I shoot myself in the foot at 24?' I'm sure your GF adores you. She will also be pretty desperate to find anyone prepared to help her out with four children. But would someone who really loves you and wants the best for you encourage you to give up your studies and future prospects for her children? I'm guessing she's thrilled you've taken them all on, selflessly. This is how women get exploited — even by other women.

Good luck, OP: you sound lovely.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice but I just wanted to wish you all the best and I hope that you'll soon find some people in similar situations that can help & advise.
Please don't take to heart any nasty judgemental posts you may get on here, it happens all the time.
Just remember to be kind to yourself not just to others 🙂

It's literally in the OP's second comment!

🤔

This thread has made me feel incredibly sad for some reason. You must be very much in love with your partner to basically sacrifice your own life to care for her children as you are.

At the end of the day this is stealing your career and more importantly your financial security and you'll need it! Because this relationship isn't healthy and eventually your resentment will boil over because she's treating you like a mug and you clearly feel that!

And when that relationship ends and her and the kids walk away, you've been left with a part time job that won't cover the cost of you getting a place of your own and covering the cost of the bills etc! You need to do this for your mental wellbeing and your financial security!

Love is blind. Fortunately giving up your course doesn't mean the end of your hopes and dreams. My Grandson's ex has four children, 13, 10, 6 and 5. She is training to be a Midwife. She is 30. Get them through their primary years and then get yourself back to college. You must love your partner very much to take on his family, with whom you seem to have a good relationship. Yes, we all get stir crazy and think the grass is greener. These days you can have it all, but NOT all once.. You have made a commitment to the children. Don't you owe it to them to fulfil it? This isn't 'Guilt-tripping' you, but these children have already been thrown into an emotional turmoil, don't mess them about. My Mom would say 'You've made Your bed, so lie on it.' You will make a far better Paramedic as an older person than a 24-year-old. Life experience isn't found in textbooks.

Where to even begin with this?!

You sound lovely-so kind and caring, empathetic.
Your partner & step family are VERY lucky to have you .. just don't lose sight of yourself and your needs. I hope you have some friends of your own? I don't share your experience, but happy to talk. Take care of yourself!

You’ve made an awful lot of sacrifices for someone so young. You’re obviously a loving and giving person who is taking it in her stride but please make sure you aren’t the one making all the sacrifices. They are his children and while you can be an active and involved part of their lives they are primary his responsibility. Please don’t let him take advantage. What does ‘full time step parent’ mean? I hope it doesn’t mean you are doing most of the parenting. You should also be able to pursue the career you wanted for yourself.