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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Young step mum to 4

219 replies

Poodledoodle134 · 07/05/2025 10:17

Hello, I just wanted to reach out and see if there were any other people in my situation and feel the same. I’m 24 and became a full time step mum to 4 kids when I was 22. My partner and I are healthy and happy, we are getting married next year and I couldn’t have asked for better Step kids. They are all different ages with the oldest not being much younger than I so I get to experience different parental relationships with them all (if that makes sense?).
Of course it isn’t always easy, kids are kids and as a child brought up with a step mum I’d like to think I know how it feels when times get rough for the kids.

However, sometimes I can’t help but feel lonely, as I can’t relate to a lot of people in my situation and being still quite young myself. We have a break from the kids as they go to their other parents house every other weekend, and when these weekends roll around I find myself grieving the person I used to be in my early 20s. I was in my 2nd year of uni studying to be a paramedic and I dropped out (which I regret massively), I lived in a house share that I loved and I felt I was in such a good place with my anxieties. I now work behind a computer with a job that suits around my kids school. Not my ideal job but as parents we make sacrifices and it keeps my family financially secure. Please don’t think I don’t want the life I have chosen, I wouldn’t change it, I just want to know that I’m not alone! I’ve googled groups in my area, even just for stepparents to go to and talk, but I’ve found nothing.

Any advice would be appreciated, thank you so much for taking the time to read this 😃

OP posts:
Emmz1510 · 07/05/2025 22:57

GrandmaJowa · 07/05/2025 22:21

Love is blind. Fortunately giving up your course doesn't mean the end of your hopes and dreams. My Grandson's ex has four children, 13, 10, 6 and 5. She is training to be a Midwife. She is 30. Get them through their primary years and then get yourself back to college. You must love your partner very much to take on his family, with whom you seem to have a good relationship. Yes, we all get stir crazy and think the grass is greener. These days you can have it all, but NOT all once.. You have made a commitment to the children. Don't you owe it to them to fulfil it? This isn't 'Guilt-tripping' you, but these children have already been thrown into an emotional turmoil, don't mess them about. My Mom would say 'You've made Your bed, so lie on it.' You will make a far better Paramedic as an older person than a 24-year-old. Life experience isn't found in textbooks.

Jesus wept. Officially the worst advice ever.

EG94 · 07/05/2025 23:12

Why are you putting your life on hold for someone else’s kids?

kindly you’re 24 I very very very much doubt your partner is “the one”

experience life, experience being young. I certainly wouldn’t tie myself down to someone at this age and their 4 kids that I didn’t birth

BountifulPantry · 07/05/2025 23:23

They aren’t your kids… you didn’t birth them nor did you adopt them. So they aren’t yours.

get yourself back to uni fgs. Frankly these kids are not your responsibility.

RM2013 · 08/05/2025 00:21

I became a step mum at 22. DSC didn’t live with us but stayed weekends. I was naive and thought it would be easy. It wasn’t (and to a degree still isn’t) and I’m not sure I’d make the same choices if I had my time over again.

please consider whether this relationship makes you happy enough to put your life on hold because you sound like you have sacrificed a lot already and I mean this in a kind way

Thalia31 · 08/05/2025 02:33

I have never wanted to scream and shake someone through a post before, but this is just so sad. It is very rare to see a man dedicate his whole life to children who aren’t his own. Even then, many men would only make half the sacrifices for their own children. I have a feeling that if you don’t start getting your life together, you will regret it and be stuck with that regret for the rest of your life. I would be heartbroken if my daughter experienced this.

SD1978 · 08/05/2025 03:20

So you gave up training for your your career, to play full time mummy when you were 22, and now do the lions share of the child related tasks, have no career, and focus your whole existence on his kids? I’m so sorry. You’re a nanny. Anyone who genuinely loved you, wouldn’t have let you step into that role so easily, give up everything so readily. Do you really think when they are older, her suddenly going to support you going into a shift work career, when he now has you to pick up all the child and no doubt house work slack?

FlyMeSomewhere · 08/05/2025 06:50

GrandmaJowa · 07/05/2025 22:21

Love is blind. Fortunately giving up your course doesn't mean the end of your hopes and dreams. My Grandson's ex has four children, 13, 10, 6 and 5. She is training to be a Midwife. She is 30. Get them through their primary years and then get yourself back to college. You must love your partner very much to take on his family, with whom you seem to have a good relationship. Yes, we all get stir crazy and think the grass is greener. These days you can have it all, but NOT all once.. You have made a commitment to the children. Don't you owe it to them to fulfil it? This isn't 'Guilt-tripping' you, but these children have already been thrown into an emotional turmoil, don't mess them about. My Mom would say 'You've made Your bed, so lie on it.' You will make a far better Paramedic as an older person than a 24-year-old. Life experience isn't found in textbooks.

It depends how long it will be before all the kids are through primary school! She's already done 2 years of her uni course so she needs to be able to go and continue that as soon as she can rather than leave it for years and have to start the course from scratch!

The kids biological mother owes it to the kids to be there for them and give them stability, it's not for anyone else to do her job! That's what she committed to when she gave birth!
This whole arrangement leaves the OP vuinersble because if the relationship ends, she's left as a single woman in her mid twenties with no career, an unsuitable part time job that won't enable her to get a place of her own and afford all the bills etc! She needs to finish that uni course urgently! Because if the relationship ends it won't necessarily be financially viable to go back to uni because she'll have to have a wage to put a roof over own head.

StupidBoy · 08/05/2025 08:27

FlyMeSomewhere · 08/05/2025 06:50

It depends how long it will be before all the kids are through primary school! She's already done 2 years of her uni course so she needs to be able to go and continue that as soon as she can rather than leave it for years and have to start the course from scratch!

The kids biological mother owes it to the kids to be there for them and give them stability, it's not for anyone else to do her job! That's what she committed to when she gave birth!
This whole arrangement leaves the OP vuinersble because if the relationship ends, she's left as a single woman in her mid twenties with no career, an unsuitable part time job that won't enable her to get a place of her own and afford all the bills etc! She needs to finish that uni course urgently! Because if the relationship ends it won't necessarily be financially viable to go back to uni because she'll have to have a wage to put a roof over own head.

Show quote history

Yes, exactly. If they break up the children's mother just needs to find herself a child minder and it's business as usual. What will the OP have? Nothing. She won't ever see those kids again because they have two parents and she has no rights whatsoever. She will literally be like the ex-nanny who they'll remember with some fondness but won't keep in touch with. She'll have given up the best years of her life for that?

Anyway, as she's obviously not coming back and the whole thing sounds pretty far fetched anyway, I've come to the conclusion that this is just click bait like so many threads on here lately.

pinkyredrose · 08/05/2025 09:54

GrandmaJowa · 07/05/2025 22:21

Love is blind. Fortunately giving up your course doesn't mean the end of your hopes and dreams. My Grandson's ex has four children, 13, 10, 6 and 5. She is training to be a Midwife. She is 30. Get them through their primary years and then get yourself back to college. You must love your partner very much to take on his family, with whom you seem to have a good relationship. Yes, we all get stir crazy and think the grass is greener. These days you can have it all, but NOT all once.. You have made a commitment to the children. Don't you owe it to them to fulfil it? This isn't 'Guilt-tripping' you, but these children have already been thrown into an emotional turmoil, don't mess them about. My Mom would say 'You've made Your bed, so lie on it.' You will make a far better Paramedic as an older person than a 24-year-old. Life experience isn't found in textbooks.

Hahahahaha!

pinkyredrose · 08/05/2025 09:56

Thalia31 · 08/05/2025 02:33

I have never wanted to scream and shake someone through a post before, but this is just so sad. It is very rare to see a man dedicate his whole life to children who aren’t his own. Even then, many men would only make half the sacrifices for their own children. I have a feeling that if you don’t start getting your life together, you will regret it and be stuck with that regret for the rest of your life. I would be heartbroken if my daughter experienced this.

They're both women.

Kelse789 · 08/05/2025 10:02

What did your partner do for childcare before they met you?

Bridewel1 · 08/05/2025 10:46

That's selfish, you've dropped everything to help your partner, but what has she done for you except make you give up the most important time of your life? Did she pressure you? Did you feel that to make things work, you had to put your plans on hold to help her situation? Relationships are a 2 way street, give and take. She seems very selfish. She's the parent, not you, and I get that you want to treat them as your own too, but wouldn't it have been better if you shared things equally? I get that you want to help out, but full-time. Maybe you could have done your studies part-time, and she reduced her working hours to help, but how did she manage before you got together? She's clearly in a better position now, and you're worse off. Sounds like you're under the thumb more than a bit. You're obviously unhappy having to comment here, so talk to her and tell her you're going to finish your studies and that she has to take some accountability for her children. And as she has an older child, couldn't she help out as well?

Washingupdone · 08/05/2025 16:19

Do not go through with the wedding.
Please for your own sake, get back in to education in September or before.

Be your own person, study and later earn your own money and independent not having to count on others for a roof over your head.

You are not a mother’s help nor child minder. You need to build your life with your future in mind and your partner should pay for a full time house manger or childminder. If they don’t want to do that run, you are not being treated as an equal.

You sound that you are hankering after your old life, do not blame your parents for your situation when you are free to leave now. The longer you stay the more difficult it will be, although it will not be impossible. Run, run, run.

Pinkrinse · 09/05/2025 13:44

Poodledoodle134 · 07/05/2025 10:17

Hello, I just wanted to reach out and see if there were any other people in my situation and feel the same. I’m 24 and became a full time step mum to 4 kids when I was 22. My partner and I are healthy and happy, we are getting married next year and I couldn’t have asked for better Step kids. They are all different ages with the oldest not being much younger than I so I get to experience different parental relationships with them all (if that makes sense?).
Of course it isn’t always easy, kids are kids and as a child brought up with a step mum I’d like to think I know how it feels when times get rough for the kids.

However, sometimes I can’t help but feel lonely, as I can’t relate to a lot of people in my situation and being still quite young myself. We have a break from the kids as they go to their other parents house every other weekend, and when these weekends roll around I find myself grieving the person I used to be in my early 20s. I was in my 2nd year of uni studying to be a paramedic and I dropped out (which I regret massively), I lived in a house share that I loved and I felt I was in such a good place with my anxieties. I now work behind a computer with a job that suits around my kids school. Not my ideal job but as parents we make sacrifices and it keeps my family financially secure. Please don’t think I don’t want the life I have chosen, I wouldn’t change it, I just want to know that I’m not alone! I’ve googled groups in my area, even just for stepparents to go to and talk, but I’ve found nothing.

Any advice would be appreciated, thank you so much for taking the time to read this 😃

Hi,
similar I became a step parent at 28 and they moved in full time 2 years later. 3 girls, 5 - 11. I just wanted to acknowledge what you’re doing, it’s amazing. I didn’t give up my career, I carried on working along with my partner. Their mother was still around, and I didn’t want to resent the children for me loosing my carer and independence. Our lives would have been very different t had I given up work,but I couldn’t do it.so hats off to you! I found it lonely I didn’t have any mum friends, the usually children support wasn’t there. My family never helped out and not did his. We eventually didn’t have much time on our own unless we paid for child care, which was difficult. It was incredibly hard. But I loved my partner and were still happily together 37 years later and I have a good relationship with the children and their grandchildren.

MrsEverest · 10/05/2025 00:37

Nobody who loves you would have let you give up your course to do their job of being there for their children.

Also children need to be fed. Parents work to provide for their children. It’s an essential part of being a parent and it’s important to make sure you have a reasonable secure wage if you want to be a parent.

You were very very foolish to leave your course.

CuriousKangaroo · 10/05/2025 10:50

I don’t think the OP is coming back. I suspect that it’s either because she is freaking out that the vast majority of people have pointed out her partner is exploiting her or because it’s a troll. I actually hope it’s a troll because it’s such a sad situation if real.

StupidBoy · 10/05/2025 11:19

CuriousKangaroo · 10/05/2025 10:50

I don’t think the OP is coming back. I suspect that it’s either because she is freaking out that the vast majority of people have pointed out her partner is exploiting her or because it’s a troll. I actually hope it’s a troll because it’s such a sad situation if real.

I don't think it's trolling in the real sense, but there do seem to be a huge amount of threads like this at the moment where they run for pages and pages because the subject or the dilemma makes a really interesting discussion point, but it's the only thread under the OP's name and they don't engage much or at all beyond the opening post.

All classic signs of being made up and placed online to keep traffic on the site moving. Not that I am making accusations, because that's against the rules. Merely pointing out the similarities.

Deckings · 10/05/2025 14:12

What a really sad thread.
Young woman ditches her life, plans,and career to be a skivvy aupair.
What a waste of your life.

You will have such bitter regret for all you have so casually thrown away.

Dweetfidilove · 11/05/2025 15:24

You must have been mighty convincing for your partner to accept you giving up so much, so young for their children.
Or they are incredibly selfish to have just agreed with you sacrificing everything for this family.
It makes sense your parents were vacant, as I don't know that I could watch my child do this.

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