Young step mum to 4

[Poodledoodle134]

Hello, I just wanted to reach out and see if there were any other people in my situation and feel the same. I’m 24 and became a full time step mum to 4 kids when I was 22. My partner and I are healthy and happy, we are getting married next year and I couldn’t have asked for better Step kids. They are all different ages with the oldest not being much younger than I so I get to experience different parental relationships with them all (if that makes sense?).
Of course it isn’t always easy, kids are kids and as a child brought up with a step mum I’d like to think I know how it feels when times get rough for the kids.

However, sometimes I can’t help but feel lonely, as I can’t relate to a lot of people in my situation and being still quite young myself. We have a break from the kids as they go to their other parents house every other weekend, and when these weekends roll around I find myself grieving the person I used to be in my early 20s. I was in my 2nd year of uni studying to be a paramedic and I dropped out (which I regret massively), I lived in a house share that I loved and I felt I was in such a good place with my anxieties. I now work behind a computer with a job that suits around my kids school. Not my ideal job but as parents we make sacrifices and it keeps my family financially secure. Please don’t think I don’t want the life I have chosen, I wouldn’t change it, I just want to know that I’m not alone! I’ve googled groups in my area, even just for stepparents to go to and talk, but I’ve found nothing.

Any advice would be appreciated, thank you so much for taking the time to read this 😃

They aren't Your kids and you shouldn't have to give up anything for them.
Of course you're mourning all you've given up to raise someone else's kids who lets be real, you won't see again if you split.
Doesn't your partner feel a bit icky dating someone who is a similar age to her oldest kid?

you’re being a very patronising person indeed …….

Oh, OP. What have I just read? This is so, so, sad. My heart breaks for you. I think you have been exploited and now you are stuck with such a miserable life. I really hope you come to your senses and get out.

Apologies if I’ve missed it, but do you want to have your own biological children? If so, please at least consider how your current plans may affect this. If you’ve given up your education and end up deciding to have children down the line, think about how you would manage it financially, if the worst comes to it. And if your partner doesn’t want any more but you do, then please don’t waste your fertile years as her babysitter.

This is everything I wouldn’t want for my 24 year old daughter.

I would urge you to leave her and start again. You are living the life of a woman in her 50s.

What on earth do your parents and your family make of all this?
I would be horrified if this was my daughter

They just choose not to because they are so desperate to blurt out their opinion and stick the boot in. The first reply was someone asking whether they are married when OP literally talked about it about 4 sentences in to her post

Your partner doesn't care about you very much if she's happy for you to give up all your career aspirations.

How many kids of your own do you want? How many do you think you'll genuinely be able to afford if you have 4 already to look after.

Rethink this and have a life.

Start working out now what you need to do to get back into Uni in September and do it.

PLEASE don’t give up your life for someone else’s children. I know you won’t believe this now, but in a couple of years, your relationship could fail and those kids you’ve changed your world for may never see you again.

You get one shot at life and your early 20s is the time when you should be a little bit selfish and doing what you want.

Your partner is dating someone not much older than their children, she is I guess 10 years (at least) older than you,
She is happy for you to give up your career/life to look after her children.
Please get out OP, I promise you will one day regret wasting the time you have here, don't waste any more!

This is one of the most bonkers posts I've ever read on here!
OP, they're not your kids! Sorry I don't mean to sound harsh, but you're absolutely crazy to give up your whole life plans to look after someone else's kids.

I'm early 40's and I even feel some resentment that I've had to put my career/life on hold to bring up my own young kids. I can't imagine doing this at the age of 22 for someone else's kids!

Tell your partner to sort her own childcare, book a holiday to Ibiza and enjoy your 20s!

They are all different ages with the oldest not being much younger than I so I get to experience different parental relationships with them all (if that makes sense?)

I had a feeling this was going to be a same sex relationship when you said the kids are living full time with you rather than EOW. In that case, given you were only 22 when you moved in with their much older mother, I don't really see you as a 'step mum' in the real sense. They have their mother with them, so you are neither a stand-in for her while you are with their dad, nor are you any form of stand in for their dad either. Because he's a man and much older.

Given that the eldest isn't much younger than you are, I don't see how you can consider that you are experiencing any 'parental relationship' with that child whatsover.

I had a young, divorced mum and if any of her boyfriends had been that close in age to me and had tried to suggest that they were somehow qualified or entitled to 'parent' me they'd have been told to fuck right off. Even the one that was only 22 when she was 31 and I was 11 seemed far too close in age to me, so any closer than that would have given me the massive ick. I'm sure it would have been just as weird and uncomfortable for them to live with that as it would have been for me.

It's a lot of unnecessary shit for you to have to deal with.

I'm also not sure why you need to be the one who has a job that fits in around her children's care needs. If your partner works full time while you do a job you don't love in order to be there for the children, then it just smacks of her shagging the au pair. Sorry.

You dropped out of university to look after someone else's children when you were not much more than a child yourself. Wow.

You won't get these young and free years back, that's why you feel lonely and like you're missing out on something, because you are. Other 24 year olds are out living their best lives. I am sorry your parents left you in childcare that you did not enjoy, but that does not make it your responsibility to sacrifice yourself for someone else's children - even if you love that someone else.

Live your best life OP

I was in my 2nd year of uni studying to be a paramedic and I dropped out (which I regret massively) did you actually drop out in order to live with this woman, or do you think you'd have dropped out anyway?

I now work behind a computer with a job that suits around my kids. Not my ideal job but as parents we make sacrifices and it keeps my family financially secure.

I'm sorry but you are NOT a parent and it's not your job to keep these children financially secure. They have two actual parents who are older and in a much better place to be able to do that.

You are not going to find others in this situation as other people your age are not this silly.

Not my ideal job but as parents we make sacrifices

Nope. Your partner makes the sacrifices. Are you saying that your partner cannot look after their children on their own without having a partner for logistical and financial support? Fuck the flag, that’s an enormous red banner. You have given up uni, have moved, do a job you hate, and have a lifestyle that’s not suited to a young person so you can support your partner and their children because they can’t do this without someone, and that someone is you. If you were my daughter I’d have to have people restrain me from shaking sense into you.

It makes no difference whether the partner is male or female.

OP: you've had a right number done on you. Let these children's parents sacrifice their lives and careers for THEIR OWN KIDS. This should never have been put on to you.
You are too young for this nonsense of playing house with children that are not yours.

You’re 24. The next few years are absolutely crucial to the course of the rest of your life. Please concentrate on building a future for yourself and don’t do this ‘Step Mum’ thing.

You partner has found herself both free childcare and a younger woman - I can see why she's happy. Also judging by the age of her kids she didn't get much fun I her 20s so probably can't relate to your need for it. Go back to uni these are not your kids to sacrifice your happiness for.

Your partner has allowed you to sacrifice your career to look after her children.
That's not the behaviour of someone who loves you.

They are taking advantage of you.

Vacant parents and working parents are two different things. Many parents use childcare, their children are not damaged by this. Neglectful absent parenting is not the same. To be blunt, nobody who cares about you would have dumped this level of responsibility on you, accept or expect you to give up your hopes and dreams to take care of their kids. I question the judgement and morals of anyone who would do this. You can date and have a relationship, without being used. You are not a parent or stepparent, you are mum's girlfriend.

This is crazy, you've been doing this since age 22?!! You haven't answered what sacrifices your partner is making for HER children. I think you've made a huge mistake here. Date someone in the same life stage as you.

Just want to add further to my previous comment.

Grooming when done effectively makes the victim believe it truly is what they want and was their idea.

I guess I’ve been looking at it like when youngest is old enough I can go back to my career, and enjoy what I want to be doing.
Why is your partner not doing this and letting you establish a career you like while she looks after her own children? If she's in her 30's and has had 4 children (with a man or IVF?) how old is the youngest child? YOur partner should be looking after her own children. It sounds like she's had lots of kids very young with someone she didn't love and is now enjoying her freedom at your expense.

huge mistake giving up uni.
Did your wife to be try and talk you out of dropping out ?
Why does your job have to fit round the kids ?
Why don’t you have 50/50?