Young step mum to 4

[Poodledoodle134]

Hello, I just wanted to reach out and see if there were any other people in my situation and feel the same. I’m 24 and became a full time step mum to 4 kids when I was 22. My partner and I are healthy and happy, we are getting married next year and I couldn’t have asked for better Step kids. They are all different ages with the oldest not being much younger than I so I get to experience different parental relationships with them all (if that makes sense?).
Of course it isn’t always easy, kids are kids and as a child brought up with a step mum I’d like to think I know how it feels when times get rough for the kids.

However, sometimes I can’t help but feel lonely, as I can’t relate to a lot of people in my situation and being still quite young myself. We have a break from the kids as they go to their other parents house every other weekend, and when these weekends roll around I find myself grieving the person I used to be in my early 20s. I was in my 2nd year of uni studying to be a paramedic and I dropped out (which I regret massively), I lived in a house share that I loved and I felt I was in such a good place with my anxieties. I now work behind a computer with a job that suits around my kids school. Not my ideal job but as parents we make sacrifices and it keeps my family financially secure. Please don’t think I don’t want the life I have chosen, I wouldn’t change it, I just want to know that I’m not alone! I’ve googled groups in my area, even just for stepparents to go to and talk, but I’ve found nothing.

Any advice would be appreciated, thank you so much for taking the time to read this 😃

Oh @Poodledoodle134- if you are still reading, please consider this; As a paramedic myself, can I make a possibly huge guess? Is your partner a qualified paramedic who you met while on placement (or even a copper or a firie) and began a relationship with? Was it your partner’s idea for you to drop out to be there around the kids’ schooling etc, as it is notoriously gruelling for two “parents” in the job to manage the demands of parenting and shift work, and it would “only make sense that the qualified parent would continue earning the higher amount, while the probie takes a break as the lower earner”? Is she climbing the clinical role which she feels would prevent her from requesting a FWA? Because that’s exactly what she should be doing, not only for her children but to facilitate your education and career. You can’t be conveniently step nannying if you are studying and doing shift placements at the same time can you?

Don’t take any longer break than you have to from uni - go back at your next available semester intake. You won’t regret qualifying for the service too early, as you know, it takes all ages to qualify in our job, but you will regret leaving it too late. The demands on us only increase with every year, every 5 years, every decade until you start feeling that you’ve miss ed your chance and you’re miserable and don’t know where that time has gone. If your soon to be wife loves you, she will actively encourage you to return to your degree and work around you, as they are her children, and she (along with their father) are responsible for their welfare, and should also feel responsible for your happiness and future security.

Think carefully lovely, don’t suddenly look back in years to come and wonder why the fuck you’re still working in an unfulfilling job that bores you and still dreaming of that wonderful career that was once so close within your grasp.

No no no, you’re too young for this! Please go out and experience the world, go back to uni and get a degree, anything you want but for goodness sake don’t take on some useless man’s children!!

I really feel for you, I hope you make a good decision here and put yourself and your life first.

It reads as though you've put your entire life, your entire YOU, in the bin.

That. If you were my daughter I'd be worried sick about you.

You keep calling them "my kids" and "my family". They are not. You are extremely vulnerable to making them the focus of your life, and then never seeing them again. Your relationship/your marriage could end at any point (and sadly it's quite likely to, given that you entered this relationship so young) and they would disappear from your life forever.

They are your partners kids and their other parent's. They are not yours. You have thrown away your career and your life for risk insecurity. Even marriage will risk you losing contact with these children.

No-one who truly loves you would take advantage of your good nature in this way.

Her partner is female - which shouldn't matter but almost makes things worse. She should know full well what sacrifices she's expecting OP to make.

I don't generally go with the flow on MN but in this case I agree with every other poster. This is way too much sacrifice and responsibility on young shoulders.

Also, with DP being at least 20 years older - OP mentions she has a DD nearly her own age - I join in with the general suspicion of DP's motives. A mother of four in her 40s is fully aware of the naivety of twentysomethings. It's an age when you're at your most idealistic and impressionable. If DP had OP's interests at heart, she would have encouraged her to complete her studies and secure her future. Childcare wouldn't come into it, DP would take responsibility - unless she has some health / mental health / addiction issue we don't know about.

However, I see OP has not posted since the first page, so is maybe having a serious rethink.

Apologies, I jumped to reply without reading all replies.

Your points are still completely valid.
Poor OP - I hope she comes to the right decision.

I now work behind a computer with a job that suits around my kids school. Not my ideal job but as parents we make sacrifices
They are not your kids and you are not their parent. I'm curious as to when you gave up your studies OP?

Someone who truly cared about you would want the best for you, which isn't sacrificing your career and future so young. No one who truly loved you would ask, want or accept you doing so. Especially at such a young age. Someone who truly loved you would not use their life experience to take advantage and stunt yours

OP, they’re not your children. Biologically or otherwise, they have two active parents.

You partner is taking the absolute you know what.

I was 20 when I got pregnant, and had my daughter. My (now) husband ensured from about 6 months post partum I had all the support in the world to continue my career. Your partner supporting you give up your career to look after her children is horrifying. You’re trapped. No career, no job, just looking after children that aren’t yours.

So you gave up uni and regret it. The children are not your responsibility. There mum needs to arrange childcare. What happened in your childhood is a separate issue. I would get some therapy and consider what you want in life. It sounds like you are on the fence. Maybe you can reapply and go back to uni this year?

I was in my 2nd year of uni studying to be a paramedic and I dropped out (which I regret massively), I lived in a house share that I loved and I felt I was in such a good place with my anxieties. I now work behind a computer with a job that suits around my kids school. Not my ideal job but as parents we make sacrifices and it keeps my family financially secure.

They're not your kids. It's absolutely not on you to sacrifice your career for children who have two parents. You will live to regret this OP!

You are not “parenting” them at your age if they are not much younger or after such a short length of time, OP. You are providing full time care but you are not parenting.
You really think your relationship with your partners child who is close to your own age (who you just met a few years ago) is remotely comparable to the relationship between an actual parent and their own child who they have raised through infancy, childhood, teen years to adulthood?
I hate to sound so harsh but I think you need to hear it: you sound like you need to grow up yourself. What could you possibly know about parenting at your age, a couple of years in with kids who aren’t yours?
Do not get married, leave and go back to college, have your own children when the time is right. That’s the best advice you’ll get.

She doesn’t have 50-50 because they’re not her bloody kids

Has she changed careers in order to take care of the (her own) kids? What scarifies has she made?

How much older than you is she?

Go back to uni or training or apprenticeship as soon as you can , even if it's part time. Your completed years will count for something.

The problem is I also had vacant parents that dumped me in afterschool club and childminders. I think a part of me doesn’t want that for my children, biological or not.

The fact that you refer to being 'dumped' in childcare is interesting. If you feel a burning need to right the wrongs you feel were done to you, then wait until you have your own bio children to do that for.

How old are all these four children exactly? Because right now you are taking on a moral responsibility for being more 'present' as a parent figure than their own parents seem to be doing. They don't seem at all concerned about contracting out that responsibility to someone who isn't either of them, so why should you worry about it? You are being treated like an unpaid nanny and they don't share your concern about their children being 'dumped' with someone who isn't them.

How would your partner react if you told her you wanted to get a different job with less child friendly hours, or go back to uni and not be responsible for the childcare of her children? Do you think she'd be supportive and make changes to her own routine, or would she act like you've thrown a massive spanner in the works?

@Poodledoodle134 THESE ARE NOT YOUR CHILDREN

Now that's all very interesting. I'm curious to hear the OP's response.

Think we scared her away.

@Poodledoodle134 Many have given great advice on this thread so I didn't want to repeat what's been said but come and have a listen to the Stepmum Space podcasts, it might make you feel less lonely in your Stepmum role.

Then DEFINITELY consider the advice given here! 💐

Yep.

Agree with all of this.

The child who isn’t much younger than you…

Ask your partner if this is the life she hopes they’ll choose at 22.

What do you think of everyone’s responses op?

Why has your job changed to suit someone else's children when they have two parents? Don't do this, OP.