Young step mum to 4

[Poodledoodle134]

Hello, I just wanted to reach out and see if there were any other people in my situation and feel the same. I’m 24 and became a full time step mum to 4 kids when I was 22. My partner and I are healthy and happy, we are getting married next year and I couldn’t have asked for better Step kids. They are all different ages with the oldest not being much younger than I so I get to experience different parental relationships with them all (if that makes sense?).
Of course it isn’t always easy, kids are kids and as a child brought up with a step mum I’d like to think I know how it feels when times get rough for the kids.

However, sometimes I can’t help but feel lonely, as I can’t relate to a lot of people in my situation and being still quite young myself. We have a break from the kids as they go to their other parents house every other weekend, and when these weekends roll around I find myself grieving the person I used to be in my early 20s. I was in my 2nd year of uni studying to be a paramedic and I dropped out (which I regret massively), I lived in a house share that I loved and I felt I was in such a good place with my anxieties. I now work behind a computer with a job that suits around my kids school. Not my ideal job but as parents we make sacrifices and it keeps my family financially secure. Please don’t think I don’t want the life I have chosen, I wouldn’t change it, I just want to know that I’m not alone! I’ve googled groups in my area, even just for stepparents to go to and talk, but I’ve found nothing.

Any advice would be appreciated, thank you so much for taking the time to read this 😃

Just no!!!!
you probably feel really sorry for the kids and I totally get that but you cannot sacrifice your career and future for them! You are way too young for this.

You still are in your early 20s. Don’t take on four kids.

What a life you've saddled yourself with...I imagine your partner/husband is significantly older than you?

You are wasting the absolute best years of your life. All I can say is get out now while you're still young and enjoy your life.

You're not their step mum. This is a relatively new relationship of what, 2 years? You're their mums girlfriend. This woman is using you. Please consider going back to uni and getting yourself an education which will set you up for life. This is so sad to read.

It literally says in the Op they're getting married next yr 🙄

stop this right now and go back to school. You can be in a relationship without sacrificing your entire future and making yourself completely vulnerable.

under no circumstances should you be the one to adjust you job to the children’s schedule. That is insane. They are not your children and it is far too early in the relationship for you to be taking this kind of risk.

get back to school asap. If your wife loves you she will support you in this. If she doesn’t, she was just looking for a nanny.

OP has said her girlfriend is in her thirties.

I was in my 2nd year of uni studying to be a paramedic and I dropped out (which I regret massively), I lived in a house share that I loved and I felt I was in such a good place with my anxieties. I now work behind a computer with a job that suits around my kids school. Not my ideal job but as parents we make sacrifices and it keeps my family financially secure

So much wrong with this. They're not 'your family' and you're not a parent.

Why did you drop out of uni?

@Poodledoodle134

Kindly they are not your kids.

If you broke up tomorrow your partner could move on and they would have another step mum within a year or so. The kids would initially miss you but would also move on. I think you're deluding yourself calling them my kids, this is perhaps the problem with becoming so serious so young. You haven't got life experience to see that yet.

You may think that is patronising but it doesn't make it any less the truth.

Give your head a wobble before you waste your life further. Go back to uni.

Also no partner who truly loves their other half would let them give up something they loved just to look after their kids. Male or female. Have a good hard think about that.

You are not a parent, they are not your family
If you were entirely happy with this situation you would not have posted .
It is lovely that these children have you in their lives but you are not responsible for them financially or emotionally - they could all walk away from you tomorrow

Do you have your own kids?
Is this something you would want?

What are the ages of the kids?
What job does your partner do?

I would absolutely go back to uni.
You will be doing something that you’ve always wanted to do and you’ll probably get a better salary in the long run.

I went to uni as a single parent and so if I could do it then there’s no reason why you can’t do it too.

How often do you go out with your friends?

Just because you’re a parent (or step parent) doesn’t mean you can’t go out clubbing or meet friends for drinks or food etc.

Congratulations, you're a nanny with a fanny.

Thanks...I missed that.

Either way, my advice still stands.

I think your post is a cry for help op.

you know this isn’t right

I am a bit confused. You are only 24 and you became a full-time step mother to 4 children when you were only 22 dropping out if university to do it ?
Also one of those children is almost the same age as you? I presume then the eldest was about 18 so didn't need a full time carer?
Why did you feel you had to sacrifice your career to do that? I understand that you wanted to be there for your partner and her children but dropping out if university when presumably you may have almost been qualified was a very bad decision. What sacrifices have the children's parents made for them?
It really isn't surprising that now you are yearning for your old life. You are still very young and have taken on far too much responsibility and sacrificed too much for this relationship.
Was your partner supportive of you giving up your paramedic training or did she try and persuade you to continue it?

Bloody hell. That’s a huge amount you’ve taken on.

I think it’s a shame that you’re now on a career path that you didn’t want because you need to fit around their school - that’s their parent’s job, not yours.

I get the vibe that you’re trying to convince yourself that you’re 100% fulfilled and happy. You’re so young, you don’t need to do this.

I’m saying you need to leave your partner either. But have a chat about your role and tell them if you want to take a step back to pick up your degree.

I see stepparents as a kind of bonus parent - another adult who cares for and enriches the kids lives. Not someone who replaces the bio parent and takes on things that they should be seeing to, such as childcare.

Are you also in a mess financially from dropping out of uni?
I have a friend who has married a younger woman and they are raising my friend's children together, but not at the step mum's expense, everyone is benefiting from the relationship.
If the answer is no to you resuming you qualifications and stepping down from child care duties then it's time to extract yourself from this relationship.

This.

And have you considered starting a group in your area for parents I you situation? You can’t be the only one surely ?

Women can and do take as much liberties as men. Its not complicated, she is taking advantage of you.

No one who loves or cares about you would tell a young person in their 20s to give up university to look after 4 children. WTF

you've barely had an opportunity to create a life and career for yourself, you've just moved into hers. this is not ok.

you should not be sacrificing, your partner should.

It reads as though you've put your entire life, your entire YOU, in the bin.

Look at it.

You have the right to it.

Investigate educational and training opportunities.

Get your own income, savings, pension secured.

This is so sad.

Not my ideal job but as parents we make sacrifices and it keeps my family financially secure

They're not your kids. Whose idea was it for you to give up uni and the houseshare you loved?

A decent partner wants the best for you. I don't think much of your girlfriend if they're willing to let you make negative changes to your life and put your dreams on the back-burner to look after thier kids.

I think you'll regret these decisions more and more as time goes on.

Luckily you're young enough to pick up where you left off.

Do yourself a favour and put yourself first. Your girlfriend certainly isn't.

They’re not your children. If your partner was to leave you tomorrow they would likely never see you again. Do not waste the best years of your life and throw away a potential career for all of this.

Have you discussed children with your partner seeing as they already have 4?! What if you want children later down the line and they are pushing 50 and say no?

You don’t have to settle. You are so young and have so much more to experience and do.

I don’t understand why you have a job that fits around someone else’s children? That is ridiculous. Please don’t marry this person, you are hugely beIng used. Someone that loves you would never let you sacrifice so much.

You're the nanny with benefits OP. You are sacrificing your future security, and I can't see what you will gain.

I doubt if the OP will be back tbh.

I suspect the responses are a bit of a shock to the bubble that's been created.