Regret is ruining me

[ThatNimblePeer]

This isn’t really an AIBU, posting for traffic. I think more than anything I’m just looking for people who have experienced the same thing, and can understand what I feel.

A few years ago I had to make a big choice that would really affect my life (think between 2 houses/2 job offers etc) in a short time. It was incredibly stressful. I did my best to consider carefully and weigh pros and cons, but ultimately I made the wrong decision. I knew pretty much as soon as I’d made it that it was wrong, but it couldn’t be reversed. As time has gone on it’s become clearer and clearer that it was wrong and why, but I can’t change it now. I just have to get up every day and live with the consequences, knowing the other choice would have been so much better.

I don’t want to go to therapy. I don’t want to be told I can’t know for sure the other choice would have been better - I’m as sure as I can be. I don’t want to ‘make the decision right’ (I’m doing my best, but there’s just no way round the fact that it’s a huge, huge cycle uphill). I cannot console myself with the fact that I did my best to make the right decision at the time - if anything, that makes it worse, knowing I tried so hard, went through so much stress, and still got it so badly wrong.

All I want, the only thing I want, is to be able to go back in time and change the decision. I know I can’t do that. It’s the only thing I want. I know I am BU.

I’m not looking for suggestions for how to make it better. I don’t think I can. I just want to know there are other people out there who know how this feels.

It's really difficult for us to know what to say when we don't know the situation. I can imagine that in something like abortion you literally can't change things but you give examples of jobs and houses and they seem to things that can change.

This

One problem is, you have rejected all the possible solutions. You made the decision you did in the best way you could, and you don't know that the other choice would have been better, becasue that's not the choice you made and that's not the life you're living.

You need to find a way to live with your decision - what else can you do, unless it's possible to remake the decision further along the line, but not knowing what it is makes it hard to offer any real comment.

Yeah we need more info op ❤️

Yanbu to feel badly about things. Can you not quit the choice? Just quit and pivot onto something else?

Its not gonna get any better - how bad will your life look if you do quit?

You can still dump him and kick him out.

This sounds really hard for you. I’d only advise you not to write off the idea of counselling completely as a good counsellor will not tell you you are wrong in how regretful you feel but might help you to find a way forward in the place you have now found yourself so that your regret doesn’t prevent you from finding a way for yourself to find some peace. Good luck x

I get it. We’ve not long moved to a new house in a new area, and to me it’s completely wrong. I feel we have made such a bad decision, it’s given me huge anxiety which I’ve never had before. Ultimately we will have to move again, we moved for the right reasons but to the wrong area.
I’m trying everything I can to learn to live for now, GP, drugs, counselling, CBT, but I’m struggling. I wish I could go back in time. Hindsight is a wonderful thing😔

I get it. I've made a few decisions I wish I could really, really change. One is my degree subject for example, where I now realise I'd be much better suited to a different career. I'm low paid and basically incurred a load of debt for no good reason. Another was a poor investment that lost me money. I'm trying to keep moving forwards with positivity but I don't really trust myself to make decisions so it's hard!

Hi OP, It’s difficult to say without knowing fully, but most things in life teaches something. You may not know what the lesson is yet, but it’s never too late to change.

I made the stupid decision to move back to my hometown. Moved DH and two small kids. Regret it every day. I get we can just move, but that’s also difficult

As long as you're not giving yourself a hard time about your decision, that only makes a difficult situation worse for you. What's done is done, maybe it's a bit like a process of grieving the choice you didn't make - like bereavement, all you want is for it not to have happened, but you have to find a way through somehow. Be gentle with yourself while you go through this loss of what you think might have been.

But then begin to let go and build a life around the decision you made. Don't miss the good things you have by pining for the fantasy of what you could have had.

I think a lot of people live with regrets, I certainly do and they are also unchangeable things. It’s very hard when it’s a one shot only thing.
How is the rest of your life aside of the mistake? Or has the mistake had a detrimental effect on most of your life?

ME!

I have a number of decisions I made which were absolutely the wrong decision and some have had lifelong consequences for me.

I am slightly different to you in that in many instances it’s only with hindsight, mental growth and subsequent information / knowledge that I realise what terrible missteps I made.

Like you I long for a time machine. But I also have to accept those don’t exist so that means findings ways to live with the consequences of decisions made by Past Me with no regard to Future Me.

Regarding jobs and houses. Those are decisions that can be changed though.

Unless you mean selecting the wrong job had knock on consequences (been there.)

If you went back in time you'd be 'past you' once again and once again you'd make the same decision.

That goes for all regrets/'wrong' choices ect.

The actions we took at the time were bourne out of the knowledge we had then/situation we were in then/age we were then/mood we were in then ... and if we went back we'd still be us. We'd still do it.

Now we are who we are in the present and we look back and judge ourselves.

Be kind to yourself. You only get one life - don't waste it regretting

Zen parable at the ready...

"There once was an old Zen farmer. Every day, the farmer used his horse to help work his fields and keep his farm healthy.

But one day, the horse ran away. All the villagers came by and said, “We're so sorry to hear this. This is such bad luck.”

But the farmer responded, “Bad luck. Good luck. Who knows?”

The villagers were confused, but decided to ignore him. A few weeks went by and then one afternoon, while the farmer was working outside, he looked up and saw his horse running toward him. But the horse was not alone. The horse was returning to him with a whole herd of horses. So now the farmer had 10 horses to help work his fields.

All the villagers came by to congratulate the farmer and said, “Wow! This is such good luck!”

But the farmer responded, “Good luck. Bad luck. Who knows?

A few weeks later, the farmer's son came over to visit and help his father work on the farm. While trying to tame one of the horses, the farmer’s son fell and broke his leg.

The villagers came by to commiserate and said, “How awful. This is such bad luck.”

Just as he did the first time, the farmer responded, “Bad luck. Good luck. Who knows?”

A month later, the farmer’s son was still recovering. He wasn’t able to walk or do any manual labor to help his father around the farm.
A regiment of the army came marching through town conscripting every able-bodied young man to join them. When the regiment came to the farmer’s house and saw the young boy's broken leg, they marched past and left him where he lay.

Of course, all the villagers came by and said, “Amazing! This is such good luck. You're so fortunate.”

And you know the farmer’s response by now…
"Bad luck. Good luck. Who knows?"

I mean sending Present Me back in time to speak to Past Me, so they have more info to make better choices! 😂

Yes, OP, there are other people who know how you feel. Some mistakes you can't fix; nor can you change the impact they've had on you and your life and the way they've shaped your present and potential future. All you can do is keep moving on and try to make the best of the time you've got left.

Yes, I think this is a case of be kind to yourself. You can only do your best and that involves making choices with the information you have at the time and not the benefit of hindsight.
For this reason I think there is limited point in looking back, unless there is something to learn from the experience or you are a historian. Life moves forward and loss is part of that. I don’t think you should beat yourself up that you made what now seems the wrong choice. At the time, it was impossible to know that.
I also believe that there are many every day things which can be enjoyed and sometimes it’s just a case of focusing on these until the sense of loss and grief passes or becomes more manageable. I do think that naming things and being able to talk about them can be helpful, however hard or pointless it may seem. It’s a step in moving on.

There are always forks in the road.
I know in my case, for certain, I should have chosen the other path, but I am not going to torment myself with regret. Its done.
I made the best choice with the information I had at the time.

Everyone makes mistakes and bad choices in life. It sounds as though this was a big one but really if it only affects you then you will have to chalk it up to experience and recognise what went wrong so you don't do similar again. If you've hurt someone else it is never too late to offer an apology. They don't have to take it but it might help you move on and at least let them know you've realised you need to apologise at the very least.

Ha ha i know what you're saying. And i know you're joking here but if regret is really ruining your life you have to think past even this mad concept which your brain has found to torture yourself with.

If a future you appeared now and told you you were being a twat doing x y z - would you take it well? Or would you tell yourself to get stuffed and let you be allowed to make your mistakes?

It's very difficult to say when you haven't said what the choices were and why you chose as you did. You must have had reasons at the time.

Life is full of regrets and we've probably all made decisions that we would change if we could go back. Unfortunately, you don't have a time machine and can't change the decision you made. You have to play the hand you're holding now and make the best of it. The good news is that life is full of surprises - things can and will continue to change as your life goes on - and beautiful things can happen if you're open to it. You have to make the conscious decision to look forward and not back. Accept what you can't change and put all your energy into what you can.

But but but ….. your mental
model is completely wrong. So what if you had made the other choice then as a result something unexpected but awful happened? Then you would think you had made the ‘wrong’ choice !

you can’t live like this !

I have a couple of regrets, of chances that I didn’t take and if had then I would be very rich now if those choices had worked perfectly. But who is to say they would have? They might have ended up as worst regrets

think on the man who bought pizza with his bitcoin.

I feel a little like that at times with my property. Unfortunately I bought it alone on the hoof to escape DV and even after 5 years I hate it. It was bought during lockdown and I had no one to attend viewings with me. Someone was meant to but they dropped out with excuses which hurt as I’ve always been there for them.

@ThatNimblePeer so for me as soon as the removal van dropped me and my stuff off, I felt physically sick. I researched so so much and weighed up pros and cons and did worse case budgets and everything but as things were being finalised I wasn’t too sure but it was too late. Anyway, my time was running out and I had to get out my current place for my own safety. Also I was wfh and was at risk of losing my hard fought for job if I didn’t find somewhere secure either. I wish wish wish I’d have just rented and had therapy first. At the same time as was organising the viewings, mortgage offers, solicitors, surveys all alone whilst trying to duck DV, and working FT, I was tending to my dad in hospice and after 2 weeks being there he passed. The person causing DV had a safeguarding order against them and my mum supported them so the only person my dad had was me and it was awful trying to be his everything in the last two weeks of his life and heartbreaking him asking where his wife my mum always was but her being narcisstic and not wanting to go always meant I did my best for him alone. When he passed, I grieved alone as my mum made it all about her.

Now I think gosh you fool, against that level of stress and no friend/family network what on earth ,made you think that buying and not renting was the thing to do.

This ate me up month after month, year after year. The house has many issues which will drain my finances to fix and gosh surveys really are pointless! My anxiety is out of control some days. But recently I just made a sort of exit plan as it were - I know it’s silly like escaping from a house and sometimes that’s what I feel I’ve ever done ‘escape’ from one place to the next only to find they’re all just the next new trap. However, I have started making new tentative steps to see how I can ‘correct’ this and sell my property in a realistically 3-4 year time range and move into the rented sector for a bit. It’s a large house and the work and just aspects of it I don’t like have almost destroyed any bit of happiness I had left in me. But I remind myself of the positives as well and have learnt so much I feel like a home buying expert and I have to believe albeit an uphill struggle for a few years it’s not impossible - I hope!