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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Young step mum to 4

219 replies

Poodledoodle134 · 07/05/2025 10:17

Hello, I just wanted to reach out and see if there were any other people in my situation and feel the same. I’m 24 and became a full time step mum to 4 kids when I was 22. My partner and I are healthy and happy, we are getting married next year and I couldn’t have asked for better Step kids. They are all different ages with the oldest not being much younger than I so I get to experience different parental relationships with them all (if that makes sense?).
Of course it isn’t always easy, kids are kids and as a child brought up with a step mum I’d like to think I know how it feels when times get rough for the kids.

However, sometimes I can’t help but feel lonely, as I can’t relate to a lot of people in my situation and being still quite young myself. We have a break from the kids as they go to their other parents house every other weekend, and when these weekends roll around I find myself grieving the person I used to be in my early 20s. I was in my 2nd year of uni studying to be a paramedic and I dropped out (which I regret massively), I lived in a house share that I loved and I felt I was in such a good place with my anxieties. I now work behind a computer with a job that suits around my kids school. Not my ideal job but as parents we make sacrifices and it keeps my family financially secure. Please don’t think I don’t want the life I have chosen, I wouldn’t change it, I just want to know that I’m not alone! I’ve googled groups in my area, even just for stepparents to go to and talk, but I’ve found nothing.

Any advice would be appreciated, thank you so much for taking the time to read this 😃

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 07/05/2025 10:21

Are you married?

Make sure you are financially protected if you are the one making the job sacrifices to look after the family.

Step-parenting can be lonely (parenting can be lonely but that does get more acknowledgement than parenting) and tbh you're unlikely to find many people in your position at your age.

HeySugarSugar · 07/05/2025 10:21

Gosh you’ve sacrificed a lot for this relationship - I’m confused as to how you ended to giving up uni to support the kids at school? What does your partner do? I hope you find some support.

Emma543 · 07/05/2025 10:21

I might sound absolutely awful but you’re so young for such a big responsibility but those children are your husbands responsibility far more than yours, there’s no way I would be putting my career on hold for their schooling, it’s partners job to sort!
no hate intended whatsoever but would hate for you to get stuck in a job you don’t like for someone else’s kids if anything should go wrong later down the line x

dovess · 07/05/2025 10:24

You’ve been a very silly girl indeed.

Tulipsontoast · 07/05/2025 10:25

Why did you give up uni to support your husband’s children?

PrawnAgain · 07/05/2025 10:25

I'm a lot older than you but my advice to you would be to identify what it is you miss about the person you were in your early 20s and do more of it. Let your partner deal sacrifice for his kids. Putting your life on hold for them will only lead to resentment, especially as his kids won't appreciate it.

wheretoyougonow · 07/05/2025 10:34

Are you serious?
if you became a full time step mum at 22 it must mean you were dating him at 20/21. I take it he’s in his late 40’s/early 50’s?
Hes got it made hasn’t he. You’ve given up everything to care for his children.
Tell him to provide paid childcare whilst you return to your studies. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
DO NOT get pregnant before you have completed what you want to do.

It’s not ‘correct’ to say but it gives me major concerns when a man dates a woman the same sort of age as his own daughter/child.

Really think how you want the rest of your life to pan out - working in a job you don’t like, feeling financially responsible for 4 children that already have parents, providing childcare and loving a man who doesn’t consider your own dreams.

Run.

Original poster
Poodledoodle134 · 07/05/2025 10:38

wheretoyougonow · 07/05/2025 10:34

Are you serious?
if you became a full time step mum at 22 it must mean you were dating him at 20/21. I take it he’s in his late 40’s/early 50’s?
Hes got it made hasn’t he. You’ve given up everything to care for his children.
Tell him to provide paid childcare whilst you return to your studies. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
DO NOT get pregnant before you have completed what you want to do.

It’s not ‘correct’ to say but it gives me major concerns when a man dates a woman the same sort of age as his own daughter/child.

Really think how you want the rest of your life to pan out - working in a job you don’t like, feeling financially responsible for 4 children that already have parents, providing childcare and loving a man who doesn’t consider your own dreams.

Run.

He is a she just to make the situation more complicated, and only in her 30s so it’s not that strange 🤣 my apologies, I should have put that in my original post!

The problem is I also had vacant parents that dumped me in afterschool club and childminders. I think a part of me doesn’t want that for my children, biological or not.

I guess I’ve been looking at it like when youngest is old enough I can go back to my career, and enjoy what I want to be doing.

Thanks for the advice though

OP posts:
PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 07/05/2025 10:46

I was just turned 21 when I got married to a guy 13 years older then me.

His kids were 5 and 6 years younger than I was.

You've made a massive mistake giving up your life and goals for someone else's kids. Massive. I'm only just getting my life on track now in my 40s due to all I gave up.

Childminders and after school clubs are absolutely fine, millions of kids go to them.

Go back to uni.

wheretoyougonow · 07/05/2025 10:46

@Poodledoodle134it doesn’t really matter what sex your partner is - my advice still stands. If you want that life, crack on but if you were my friend, I’d be worried about the sacrifices you are making and the life you will have.

Tulipsontoast · 07/05/2025 10:47

My question still stands though although why did you give up uni for your soon to be wife’s children? Where is she while you are being present for her children?

IkeaMeatballGravy · 07/05/2025 10:53

I mean this gently OP, but what were you thinking!? Why are you sacrificing your career to care for someone else's children? What sacrifices has your partner made to look after her own children?

Luckily you are still very young so you can get back into your career and restart working on your own dreams.

PrawnAgain · 07/05/2025 10:55

Sorry I assumed she was a he.

MammaTo · 07/05/2025 10:56

This is mental! Do you think that someone that values you as a person, would agree to you dropping out of university to become a step mum? A partner that values you would want you to finish your education and have a career that you love.

Honestly, you can do better and deserve a better life.

Don’t tether yourself to this nonsense and be a live in baby sitter for your partner.

PrawnAgain · 07/05/2025 10:57

The problem is I also had vacant parents that dumped me in afterschool club and childminders. I think a part of me doesn’t want that for my children, biological or not.

Your partner obviously doesn't mind this for her children or she'd have sacrificed her own career. The first rule of step parenting is not to care more than the actual parents do.

LobeliaBaggins · 07/05/2025 10:59

PrawnAgain · 07/05/2025 10:57

The problem is I also had vacant parents that dumped me in afterschool club and childminders. I think a part of me doesn’t want that for my children, biological or not.

Your partner obviously doesn't mind this for her children or she'd have sacrificed her own career. The first rule of step parenting is not to care more than the actual parents do.

This! You are giving up your career to look after someone else's kids! 4 of them! So unwise.
She saw you coming. At this age you should be having fun and studying, not being a mum to stepkids.

Thatsenoughadulting · 07/05/2025 11:00

I think you've been very naive here. You've only been together 2 years and you've sacrificed your entire future to be a free childminder. I hope you're have the relevant legal arrangements. Is the house jointly yours? Do you have a cohabitation agreement? You call them your children but they're not. She could break up with you tomorrow and you could be homeless and never see those kids again and on top of that you've given up you university course and your potential career. For what? I fear you could end up resenting your partner in future.

StarTwirl · 07/05/2025 11:03

We just see you as losing a huge chunk of your 20’s taking all of this on at such a young age

StarTwirl · 07/05/2025 11:03

Thatsenoughadulting · 07/05/2025 11:00

I think you've been very naive here. You've only been together 2 years and you've sacrificed your entire future to be a free childminder. I hope you're have the relevant legal arrangements. Is the house jointly yours? Do you have a cohabitation agreement? You call them your children but they're not. She could break up with you tomorrow and you could be homeless and never see those kids again and on top of that you've given up you university course and your potential career. For what? I fear you could end up resenting your partner in future.

Yes this

StarTwirl · 07/05/2025 11:04

Go back to uni

MrsKeats · 07/05/2025 11:04

You dropped out of uni for this? I have daughters your age and would be devastated by this.

arcticpandas · 07/05/2025 11:04

@Poodledoodle134 They are NOT your children. If partner left you you wouldn't se them again. You're taking on a whole lot of responsability and I think your partner is a CF. She's the one to work around HER kids, not you. I would be very wary she's not just using you as a nanny with a fanny.

amber763 · 07/05/2025 11:05

Why isn't your partner sacrificing her own career for her own kids?! You're only in your early 20s. The imbalance here doesn't sit right with me. Your partner needs to pay for childcare so you can go back to uni and make a career for yourself

ophd · 07/05/2025 11:09

PrawnAgain · 07/05/2025 10:55

Sorry I assumed she was a he.

Because it’s less common to see the selfish behaviour this OH is exhibiting in a woman. I assumed man also.

HundredPercentUnsure · 07/05/2025 11:20

dovess · 07/05/2025 10:24

You’ve been a very silly girl indeed.

As patronising as this post sounds, I'm inclined to agree.

I’m 24
I find myself grieving the person I used to be in my early 20s.
OP - you still are in your early 20s.

I dropped out (which I regret massively)
Why did you drop out? Go back.

I guess I’ve been looking at it like when youngest is old enough I can go back to my career, and enjoy what I want to be doing. Hopefully you've had this conversation with your partner already so your partner knows this. You'll hopefully agreed what age constitutes the youngest being old enough.

I now work behind a computer with a job that suits around my kids school. Not my ideal job but as parents we make sacrifices These are not your kids. They are your partners kids. What has your partner sacrificed to give their kids financial security and stability? And if they haven't - is that really a person you want to be with? Someone who doesn't put their family first? Someone who is so self centred and selfish they'll let others quit their lives instead of stepping up?

You sound like a very caring, responsible individual. You partner sounds like an arse.

You're lonely.
You grieve your old life.
You regret quitting uni.
You're in a job that isn't your ideal.

Can you really, honestly say you're happy in your life right now, @Poodledoodle134 ?