Aibu to not pay for DSS's trip?

[FrozenAgain67]

Brief background, DH was made redundant earlier this year, he is back in work now but it did deplete his savings quite a bit as he didn't get much of a payout.

I recently received a small inheritance from a family member (10k ish). We don't share finances so this is currently in my savings account. Not to say I wouldn't use any of it if there was something that needed doing to the house or whatever, but it's not in a joint account basically.

DSS's school is planning a trip for later this year to a foreign country. With the activities involved in comes in at around £1,500. He has asked to go. He stays with us 3 nights a week a week and more in the hols so it works out at 50;50. His mum is unable to afford it and DH can't really afford to drop that sort of lump sum right now while he's working his way back up in his new job.

I have been asked by DH if ill pay for it out of the inheritance I recently received. I had planned to save the majority of it.

I also think these expensive school trips are ridiculous. They did these sorts of things when I was in school and I didn't get to go, I don't think it's that big of a deal and I just think they are geared toward kids with wealthy parents and aren't a necessity. We are going on a family holiday this summer so DSS is going abroad.

I will need to admit here that I have used some of the money to book a long weekend in lapland later this year for me and DD (DH didn't want to come and DSS is nearly 15). It's a treat that we would not usually get to afford and I'm looking forward to it with her (she is 6 so prime santa age).

This has been "gently" brought up by DH when I've said no to paying for DSS's school trip because I wanted to save the rest of the money.

Aibu? I may get flamed but I don't see it as family money. We have separate finances for a reason.

This is your money. Your DH shouldn’t expect you to pay for his son’s trip if neither he nor his mum can afford it. There should be no expectation you’ll pay.

However, you’re only 15 once. If most of his mates are going, this will be a trip DSS will remember for the rest of his life. If it were me, I’d offer to pay for the trip out of my savings on the basis of a loan. I’d tell DH he has to pay me back. And also perhaps suggest DSS should pay something towards it by getting a job when he’s 16. Also, could the grandparents contribute a little? If it’s jointly funded by the parents, grandparents and DSS himself, it may be more manageable. You could offer to fund a couple of hundred as a gift.

Also, your DH should speak to the school as they can sometimes offer discounts if parents are struggling and usually let you pay in instalments.

If his mum and dad were still together and all other circumstances (redundancy etc) were the same, they would not be able to afford it. Would they be asking unrelated adults to pay ?- of course not. So why should you simply because you are in a relationship with his dad.

Its a shame but his mum and dad simply don't have the money.

There was a ski trip this Easter at dds school and I think about 15 kids went from the whole year group. They're definitely not something the whole year goes on. I think probably the numbers will be getting less and less now because of the huge rise of costs in family holidays. Most parents will be prioritising a family trip away

It would be a definite no from me OP and I think your DH is completely out of order to guilt trip you and weaponise your lapland trip. That's pretty low.

No you are not obligated to pay for this if you have agreed seperate finances. Especially because this is an inheritance from your family not your usual earnings. If neither parent has the funds then he can’t go it’s that simple. Now if your husband wants to borrow the money perhaps you could agree to that with repayment terms but again you don’t have to. Life isn’t fair and it’s not up to you to provide for someone else child when it’s a a luxury not a necessity. As for your trip with your DD don’t feel guilty and have a great time!

I was struck by your DH resorting to emotional blackmail so quickly. I would find this really disrespectful, especially coming after a time when you've presumably supported or at least subsidised him (and his maintenance payments?).

Has DH even asked about paying the school in instalments? Is there something special about this particular trip? Presumably it's the last one?

Is DSS a good kid who would appreciate the value of the trip? If so I would consider giving him a third and letting his parents (maybe with GP help?) find the other two thirds.

Could you offer it as a loan but make clear that you expect both mum and dad to pay 50/50 and pay by X date? Maybe stepson gets a paper round or something to contribute?

Your DH is a cheeky fucker to bring up your trip with your DD! The difference with your trip to Lapland is that you get to experience it!! What experience will you get from funding a school trip 🤣

Can his parents not get some of the money?. His mother and father?. If ot was me, I would offer to contribute £500 and the get the rest. Its a bit much to ask for you to pay the whole thing!

Not unreasonable at all. You have separate finances and it's inheritance money.

There's also no chance that the majority are going on the class trip at that price.

I'd say I can lend it to DH. Until he's sorted.

Your DH has taken a major pay cut and doesn't have £1,500.

It doesn't sound like family finances are in a great way. I would be saving as much of the £10,000 as possible in this situation.

If the mother and the father can not afford the trip, then sadly the child cannot go on said trip.

You've already said your DH will not be able to pay you back so it's a no. The mother can't afford it and has said no. Therefore, you are entitled to say no.

The price of these trips are also far too expensive and there will be many others unable to go, irrespective of what you are being told.

Depends @FrozenAgain67 - is dh wanting/expecting you to treat dss out of the goodness of your heart, or is he proposing to pay you back when you his earnings are up a bit? 1500 out of 10k still leaves the majority for your savings (or it did until you booked Lapland).

"I never got to go so he shouldn't" is a bit of a shit reason imo. Will it honestly be the same for your dd when she gets to that stage?

DD is at a school where the majority of children come from very wealthy families (it's a grammar, although a few secondaries also have wealthy parents too).

There are trips skiing every year as well as numerous foreign trips. One is too a country that is useful for geography - some of DD's friends are going, but we just cannot afford it, not for just a few days, just for her. We are all going to the same place during the summer holidays for a week, as it's less for all of us, than just her, and it's somewhere we've all wanted to go to.

There's also a (sort of) compulsory trip later this year for geography again. If she didn't go on this residential, she'd still need to spend two days doing whatever it is they're doing, as it's part of the GCSE.

I was a single mum when DS was young. There was no way I could ever afford to pay for any trips abroad. Again a grammar, where ALL his friends were extremely wealthy. It was tough, but he managed (as did I as I never had a passport until 10 years ago).

So no, I would not pay. I'm a stepmother, luckily DSS is grown up, but I would never have paid for a trip abroad out of my own money.

Yes he may remember it forever, but tough - lots of kids have to miss out and I'd probably be resentful, due to never having much money (either when growing and for my own kids), so would treat the money as a safety blanket, not as a pot for frivolous reasons (and a trip abroad that his own parents can't afford, is frivolous.

His parents need to explain to him that they can’t afford the school trip. Loads of parents won’t be able to afford it. Don’t pay for the trip or lend any money. He’s not your child.

I've a feeling if you did lend it, it wouldn't be paid back because he won't be able to afford to pay back any significant amount for months or more, then he'll expect you to let it go and not "go on about it" because "it was just sitting there". Obviously I don't know your DH but the fact that he asked shows he feels entitled.

It might be different if you were a one pot family but even so, inheritance can be slightly different as there is a presumption that it's intended to be for a specific beneficiary.. But you have both chosen and agreed to have separate finances and presumably he was happy with that while it suited him. Now it doesn't suit him he's leaning on you to change what was agreed.

"If you divorced he may well get half the inheritance anyway."

No. Inheritance is an exception and NOT considered 'maritial funds' PROVIDING they go into the beneficiaries individual account and are never merged with joint finances. If any part of it is deposited into a joint account / becomes mingled with joint finances, then the entire inheritance becomes deemed marital funds.

@FrozenAgain67
I understood that as a response to the COL crisis, schools were supposed to be making things like school trips equitable, and taking measures to reduce the financial burden for students' families.

• It's very likely the school would permit (indeed encourage for all) that the trip be budgeted with them in installments leading up to a final balance date.
• Furthermore, doesn't the school have a benevolent fund to ensure fair access to student trips (discrete and confidential with headteacher or dedicated member who anonymises the contribution)?... if your DH has recently been made redundant, this may well qualify DSS for a full/partially funded place on the trip.

Perhaps as DSP you may have had less visability of any such school provisions? (Or is it possible your DH and/or his ex is too proud to explore such options and is happier tapping you to whittle down personal inheritance from your deceased family member - who's totally unrelated to them?)

I wouldn't and I'd probably take the same stance if it was my own DD (only 5 so not come up yet.)

In fact, we had a similar situation a couple of years back when SD wanted to go on a skiing trip for about the same amount of money. She's not at all sporty and only wanted to go because a friend was going. We said no to paying it and said if it was really important to her she could fundraise and we'd match what she made. A few family members offered to pay her or some small jobs, but she couldn't be bothered. In the end her Mum paid and she went.

Loan your DH the money - he repays you £300 a month over 5 months, plus the interest you would have earned had the money been sitting in your savings all that time.

Well aren't you lucky you have someone to look after your child with this second job and you're able to work.

Don't make out that some parents are just lazy or aren't trying hard enough to send their kids in £1500+ school trips in addition to everything else.

I would but hubby helps with my daughters trips if needed an if me and daughter go away I always give step son something

You have step son about half the time, you could offer that the two of you will pay half if his mum can raise the rest

We don't actually know what jurisdiction OP is in, so not sure why people are telling her that marriage means combining finances, or that her DH could get access to her inheritance in a divorce she's not given any indication will happen. She might be in Scotland!

How long have you been together? You have a 6 yr old together so quite some time? These trips are ridiculously expensive for what they get/do. It is unlikely that all their friends are going. That said, I would probably pay for it if I could afford it especially considering the Lapland trip. It's unfortunate your partner lost his job and took a pay cut - it is not like he can't afford it because he spent it at the casino. I would say to s child - that they need to contribute some way to it some way. I wouldn't think in terms of not my child not my problem for a child who lives with you half the week and whose life you have been in for a long time

Going against the grain here, it would be lovely if you could do it for him. Extra chores from him to show his appreciation, ask for money for birthday and Christmas towards it. Your dh ultimately pays you back.

Presumably ss has been a pretty permanent fixture in your life for at least 50% of his life if you have a 6yo? He is part of your family, if I could afford it I'd want to make a member of my family feel happy, and included. But, I wouldn't want to be in a marriage where we had separate finances, and ultimately by law, your finances are shared anyway, in the event of a divorce you do may be entitled to 50% of that £10k anyway

Let me get this straight - his parents will contribute zero this and dad expects you to pay? All of it? You know that there will be extras involved? Kit? Spending money etc etc

I really feel for your SS, and I would probably contribute some but not all.