Aibu to not pay for DSS's trip?

[FrozenAgain67]

Brief background, DH was made redundant earlier this year, he is back in work now but it did deplete his savings quite a bit as he didn't get much of a payout.

I recently received a small inheritance from a family member (10k ish). We don't share finances so this is currently in my savings account. Not to say I wouldn't use any of it if there was something that needed doing to the house or whatever, but it's not in a joint account basically.

DSS's school is planning a trip for later this year to a foreign country. With the activities involved in comes in at around £1,500. He has asked to go. He stays with us 3 nights a week a week and more in the hols so it works out at 50;50. His mum is unable to afford it and DH can't really afford to drop that sort of lump sum right now while he's working his way back up in his new job.

I have been asked by DH if ill pay for it out of the inheritance I recently received. I had planned to save the majority of it.

I also think these expensive school trips are ridiculous. They did these sorts of things when I was in school and I didn't get to go, I don't think it's that big of a deal and I just think they are geared toward kids with wealthy parents and aren't a necessity. We are going on a family holiday this summer so DSS is going abroad.

I will need to admit here that I have used some of the money to book a long weekend in lapland later this year for me and DD (DH didn't want to come and DSS is nearly 15). It's a treat that we would not usually get to afford and I'm looking forward to it with her (she is 6 so prime santa age).

This has been "gently" brought up by DH when I've said no to paying for DSS's school trip because I wanted to save the rest of the money.

Aibu? I may get flamed but I don't see it as family money. We have separate finances for a reason.

If it was a ski trip, I definitely would. Personally I think any child that gets the opportunity to experience skiing is gaining a really valuable life experience. We don't belong to the 'wealthy set' whatsoever but when both my DC reached the 'let's get pissed in a club for a week in Ibiza' age, they had already experienced (and now prefer) the healthy vibes of the Alps, both both via school trips and with a varied group of family and friends. All the confident skiers as adults, had learned when at school.

I would help towards the cost as a loan if his parents also contribute.

Can’t get over the comments about separate finances. Have been with my DH for 33 years, 23 of them married. We have never had a joint bank account. Clearly the mortgage and utilities are in both names, but yes, our finances are separate whether I’ve been working or a SAHM. That doesn’t mean that all our money isn’t family money, though. Some of the bills go from my account (mine and kids mobiles, sky, tv licence, pet insurance, etc) remainder from DH. If I run short each month I tell DH how much I need and he transfers it. There is no accounting or monitoring of who has paid what.

We don’t have any step children as we’re not a blended family, but I was a step child and fostered 2 boys on and off for 4 years. I’d hate to have been made to feel less worth that my half siblings - I am assuming the 6yo is DHs, though, and that DSS has been a part of your life for 7 years or more. If this is not the case, and DSS has only been in your life a few years, then maybe it would be different.

I probably would pay for the trip or pay a large percentage. I grew up in a low income family and still remember the bitter disappointment of knowing you could not go on the same trips as your peers, but to add context we didn’t have family holidays abroad as you do. I particularly wanted to go on the SSUganda in the 1970s, but of course that was a no. DC benefited greatly from trips such as skiing (we don’t ski) and now goes at least once a year, travelling around Russia, exchange language trips etc. etc.

Is your DH father to your DD? If so, I think a teen benefits more from a school trip than a six year old going to Lapland.

10k isn't a massive amount of money these days......I wouldn't be willing to give away a huge chunk of ot either.......I'd be willing to meet half way tho..So his dad puts in 500, you do and his mum does. That would be fair.

If I did it I would expect DH to pay me back at so much per month.

All his friends might well be going, but his parents can't afford it, so he can't go.

That's life. He will be going on holiday this year, but has to understand that this school trip isn't an option because his parents don't have the money to pay for it.

I am often on side of dsc on here OP, but in this case, no, I wouldn't be paying this large sum of money when he has 2 parents. It is their responsibility. Your DH is a CF, but clear to see he is one of those men who feels no shame in others paying for his DC.

Absolutely not.
Keep your very small inheritance
Your husband and step som need extra weekend jobs to save for it.
Nothing to do with you.

Look up the definition of a relative. Relayed by blood or marriage.

Agree. If DSS was a couple of years older the request would be for driving lessons, or a small car, which on reflection would actually be more useful .

Actually, that might be a way out, say you won’t give money for the school trip but when DSS is 17 you will contribute for some driving lessons 50/50 with DSS and his other parents, say up to £300. Gives DSS an incentive to get a little job and save, and lessens the blow a bit.

If I had the cash I would definitely DO it for dss as loan to be paid back by dh. These trips will stay with your dss for life. My dp (60) still talks about his big high school trip.
Life is short, I would loan the money

This is nonsense. You don't have to spend money on things just because you have it. There's a thing called "provision for the future" or simply "prioritisation of resources" that you might want to look into.

If he is a nice respectful boy who you get on with, I would be inclined to give him the money. I genuinely believe ‘what goes around, comes around’. Hopefully he would remember your kind gesture if you needed a favour in the future.

OK, well, you can have :

There's no blood relation, ergo they're not a blood relative.

or

There's no relation, ergo they're not a relative.

But you can't have

There's no blood relation, ergo they're not a relative.

Fifteen year old boys are renowned for their long memories and undying gratitude when it comes to things their parents do for them.

This is incredibly convoluted and wouldn't help at all.

"I'm not buying you the thing you are asking for but I may consider contributing a small amount in a few years to something you don't want now and may not want then"

Oh dear what a position to be in. If he’s a nice hard working boy then I’d say do it, it’s only money. I acknowledge it’s not yr responsibility to be funding this, but as you appear to be the only one able to do so it sort of leaves you in a tricky spot. Difficult for the lad to see all his friends go on the trip, can he maybe get an after school job and contribute as well. There’s going to be a good dollop of guilt either way. Good luck, but I’d be inclined to shell out and let him go.

He’s cheeky to ask you if you have completely separate finances. Each parent should pay half and yes your DH should pay you back of it needs to be paid earlier than he can find the money.

Would you pay for DD to go, if it was her year and she wanted to?

Because if the answer is no, I think these sort of school trips are ridiculous, I think you're perfectly justified in shutting this down with no further discussion...

I’d pay for it. Whilst it’s in no way your responsibility, you could really gain some good relationship capital here - with everyone - dss, dh, maybe even dss mum.

you say it’s not a big deal, but to dss, it is a big deal presumably

you most likely would pay it if your dd was the 15yo wanting it - you are a family, he is her half brother (?) and you presumably want them to be good friends in the future as adults. Don’t make him feel like a 2nd class citizen with your dd going to Lapland but him not allowed on a school trip. You could gain such a lot of positives from paying for dss. one day the boot could be on the other foot.

if his parents hadn’t divorced and had (a) further child(ren), they would have probably been able to afford this.

A loan your DH and DSS's mum pay back at an agreed upon amount monthly? Sure.

Just freely given as a "gift" absolutely not.

He isn't your child and this goes beyond a reasonable amount. It is a huge portion of this inheritance.

There's no chance nearly all the kids in his year will be going on a £1500 trip!

Are his parents unable to make any contribution whatsoever to the trip? Don’t forget he will also need spending money.

I wouldn't give up 15% of my inheritance when his own parents won't be paying a penny. Sounds like they will see that money as a cash cow till it's gone!

I would look for away to fund it through a combo of repayment from your DH and reduced birthday and Xmas presents. If dss wants it enough to devote his Xmas and birthday money from you towards it.
and yes, the Lapland treat for dd does affect this. If none of the money was being spent that’s one thing but given the Lapland treat I think it does feel a bit harsh not to consider dss trip.