Aibu to not pay for DSS's trip?

[FrozenAgain67]

Brief background, DH was made redundant earlier this year, he is back in work now but it did deplete his savings quite a bit as he didn't get much of a payout.

I recently received a small inheritance from a family member (10k ish). We don't share finances so this is currently in my savings account. Not to say I wouldn't use any of it if there was something that needed doing to the house or whatever, but it's not in a joint account basically.

DSS's school is planning a trip for later this year to a foreign country. With the activities involved in comes in at around £1,500. He has asked to go. He stays with us 3 nights a week a week and more in the hols so it works out at 50;50. His mum is unable to afford it and DH can't really afford to drop that sort of lump sum right now while he's working his way back up in his new job.

I have been asked by DH if ill pay for it out of the inheritance I recently received. I had planned to save the majority of it.

I also think these expensive school trips are ridiculous. They did these sorts of things when I was in school and I didn't get to go, I don't think it's that big of a deal and I just think they are geared toward kids with wealthy parents and aren't a necessity. We are going on a family holiday this summer so DSS is going abroad.

I will need to admit here that I have used some of the money to book a long weekend in lapland later this year for me and DD (DH didn't want to come and DSS is nearly 15). It's a treat that we would not usually get to afford and I'm looking forward to it with her (she is 6 so prime santa age).

This has been "gently" brought up by DH when I've said no to paying for DSS's school trip because I wanted to save the rest of the money.

Aibu? I may get flamed but I don't see it as family money. We have separate finances for a reason.

That’s a lot of money for a trip that he doesn’t need to go on, and that’s also a large chunk of your 10K.

I would say no unless Dad & his Mum can chip in £500 each as well. I wouldn’t mind paying the £500 since you have it, but no way should you be paying the full amount.

I never understand why people think this is an amazing GOTCHA? Of course she wouldn’t? The OP’s child is nothing to the ex-wife. She has zero role in that child’s life. The OP’s step son is……her step son. Part of her family.

OP you don’t have to pay for anything you don’t want to. I would pay, but we share finances and my husband would be so upset to be unable to provide as he usually would that as a family we’d do it. It’s fine if that’s not your set-up.

Oh sorry, just read your update that neither of them can chip in.

Nah, I wouldn’t pay.

I think it depends on several things. How long has he been in your life, what is your relationship like, can he find some of the money (when mine wanted an expensive school trip the deal was they got birthday and Christmas money from family instead of presents and funded half of it. 3 of mine did this and one didn't want to so he didn't go.)

I don't see it as a black and white thing.

Did DH previously earn more than you? And if so did he have more disposable income which he kept to himself rather than it being shared? If that's the case that's what I'd be pointing out. That when he had more than you it wasn't shared out but now he has less there's an expectation. He seems to think you're being unfair but there's a bigger picture.

Particularly as you've deliberately kept finances separate (which is slightly odd in marriage but not really the point here).

It's not really for you to fund trips for your SS given the set up financially. Why dies he get access to 3 people's resources? Does DH fund anything for your DD directly or indirectly? If so I might be persuaded to offer £750 on the basis that you're funding his share but pointing out that he can't afford to pay more than his share right now. I suspect he/the ex won't come up with the rest and then they don't get to paint you as the bad guy because you're the only one who put anything up. On the other hand you might want to say that money is being set aside for your DD. I think this is slightly nuanced depending on some of the facts but certainly don't pay all of it - there's no justification for that.

Given that you have separate finances, I wouldn’t give anything from the inheritance as it would then risk being considered household money.

You say that the redundancy depleted DH’s savings. Does that mean he still has some left? Why does he keep his savings but spend yours?

School trips usually ask for instalments on anything this big, say £150 per month. Can you afford to say that DH should pay from his savings, but if an emergency crops up you could loan him money from your salary to meet his monthly commitments?

Could DSS be given money towards the trip for birthdays/ Christmas between now and then?

Just say no.

if hadn’t inherited then he would not go …..

you will find many don’t go as it’s an expensive trip. Ask school if there is any bursary

It’s your choice to not gift the money to DSS for a school trip.
The most I would offer is to loan the money to his dad, your DH, as he seems the sort that would pay you back.

OP if you cover half (£750) so you've paying for yours and DH's share, then DH needs to pay for half of yours and DDs lapland trip. How much was that?

That way, it's fair to both children. So if Lapland was £1000, DH's half is £500, you can say to DH sure, I'll give you £250 towards our £750 for DSS, which account do you want it to?

If lapland was more 'cool, thanks DH thats lovely that we're going halves on these trips for both children. You owe me X, please put it into my Barclays account this afternoon'

I really feel for the boy, but this is the outcome of the separate finances set ups.
Dad has no money and his wife's money is hers, so he doesn't go 🤷🏾‍♀️.
It's pointless giving him a loan as that's not what he's asked for; so is unlikely to pay it back.
Oh my ☹️.

I would offer a loan - yes - but given it’s such a small inheritance I certainly wouldn’t be giving it away. You might need that money one day op.

If DH would have been able to afford this before his redundancy, then I might look at this differently. If that is the case, and he is able to pay you back when he is on a better footing then I would help out in these circumstances.

Do you trust that your dp would pay it back? If there is any hesitation, I would probably hold back.

I would like to say I would, but I know if this was my reality I wouldn't.

I don’t agree with separate finances in a long term relationship, you’re either partners or flatmates. Just needed to get that out.

Basically, what your DH is asking you to do is not only pay his share for the holiday but his exes share and that’s not on. I’d be more miffed about paying the exes share than anything. Would you consider ‘lending’ DH his half, on the proviso that the ex finds a way to pay her half? Maybe she can borrow from family?

Otherwise, your money, your choice. I think it’s a weird family dynamic but you do you.

I would loan it interest free if he can pay back e.g. £150 a month for 10 months.

I wouldn't give such a large % of my savings.

At the end of the day, you have separate finances and I assume you both ageed on that. So not being unreasonable.
They'll always be stuff like this that costs money. Most of the kids at school won't get to go on this kind of trip. If his parents can't afford it and you don't want to pay for it then he can't go.

The kids in our local school are fund raising for their trip to Borneo, DSS can get to work.
DH can pay in instalments if he so desires but no, @FrozenAgain67 you don’t need to fund this.

Our schools here offer payment plans. He needs to contact his kids school and agree it with them

You can be partners and have separate finances. Last I checked, flatmates don't tend to have children together either.

There's multiple ways to be a family. Your way is right for you but it isn't going to be right for everyone.

I wouldn't be with my DH if he expected completely joint finances.

If you inherited £100,000 then I would say you should pay for the trip. But £1,500 out of £10,000 is far too much to spend on this trip unless you have lots of other savings.

i quite like the suggestion of offering DSS £500 towards the trip. He could then work (even if it’s just around the house cleaning, ironing, babysitting DD if there are no paper rounds, egg delivery routes etc nearby) to earn extra (say £500 for an even split). It would still be family money but you’d be getting something for it. And his actual parents could find a way to scrape together the other £500.

I do think your DH asking for it outright instead of asking for a loan isn’t good seeing as there was a clear decision to have separate finances before you received an inheritance. I’d be cautious about a ‘what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine’ mind set.

I voted YANBU but I’m on the fence mostly as IF all of his mates are going then it’s an amazing experience and hard to miss out on however, the decision was made before this to not share finances.

I am also wondering why the Mum isn’t offering to pay a part of it in instalments?

Lastly, have you checked if there are any awards or bursaries DSS may be able to get toward it?

ETA, sorry I shouldn’t have asked if you had checked - has his Dad or Mum checked?

How do you “share finances”? Proportionally to income or 50:50?

Your DH’s savings have been significantly depleted by being made redundant and you say he has very little money left after outgoings every month since he has taken a pay cut. Was he contributing the same amount when he was unemployed or were you paying more towards the joint finances? What is your financial position? Do you have money left over at the end of the month? Do you have savings?

It doesn’t really have much to do with paying for your DSS’s trip but, from what you have said, it makes me wonder if you are splitting finances fairly… It’s not much of a marriage if one partner is struggling to pay for joint finances while the other is saving money. I could be wrong. Maybe you are also in the same position.

Personally, I would at least loan them the money for the trip.

Sorry the thread has moved on quite a bit! Just trying to catch up.

Yes DD is DHs. We have been together 11 years.

I get on fine with DSS. He is a good kid but imo has always got whatever he wants (back when DH could afford it) and isn't used to being told no. Not his fault.

DH is hoping to be able to work up again to a higher wage but I'm reluctant to loan right now as, while I believe he'd had every intention of paying it back, in reality at this moment in time I'm not sure it would end up happening.

It was me who has always wanted separate finances. We (used to) earn pretty similarly and when I met DH I did not want to get involved in costs for DSS like maintenance etc.. and don't like the idea of having to justify what I spend my money on to anyone. Been there before. So we pay half bills and things like family holidays but everything else is his / mine. Not to say if we were struggling with a bill one month or something I wouldn't pay it but treats and things that aren't necessities are not shared typically unless they involved the whole family.

I view the lapland trip as my one little splurge from the inheritance and the plan was always to save the rest. Honestly I view it as something that is also for me, not just a treat for DD. DH was of course invited to come but it's not his cup of tea which is fine.

DSS's mum is a no go. She has already said no to funding it, she doesn't have the spare cash right now. It would be pointless saying we'll pay half and she can pay the other half, she doesn't have it, she's already stressed this enough and I'm not going to put more pressure on her or make her into the bad guy, I dont feel thats fair when she's already said no.

I have also taken over the payments for the summer holiday we are all going on while DH is earning less. So I suppose in a round about way I'm already paying for a holiday for DSS.