Aibu to not pay for DSS's trip?

[FrozenAgain67]

Brief background, DH was made redundant earlier this year, he is back in work now but it did deplete his savings quite a bit as he didn't get much of a payout.

I recently received a small inheritance from a family member (10k ish). We don't share finances so this is currently in my savings account. Not to say I wouldn't use any of it if there was something that needed doing to the house or whatever, but it's not in a joint account basically.

DSS's school is planning a trip for later this year to a foreign country. With the activities involved in comes in at around £1,500. He has asked to go. He stays with us 3 nights a week a week and more in the hols so it works out at 50;50. His mum is unable to afford it and DH can't really afford to drop that sort of lump sum right now while he's working his way back up in his new job.

I have been asked by DH if ill pay for it out of the inheritance I recently received. I had planned to save the majority of it.

I also think these expensive school trips are ridiculous. They did these sorts of things when I was in school and I didn't get to go, I don't think it's that big of a deal and I just think they are geared toward kids with wealthy parents and aren't a necessity. We are going on a family holiday this summer so DSS is going abroad.

I will need to admit here that I have used some of the money to book a long weekend in lapland later this year for me and DD (DH didn't want to come and DSS is nearly 15). It's a treat that we would not usually get to afford and I'm looking forward to it with her (she is 6 so prime santa age).

This has been "gently" brought up by DH when I've said no to paying for DSS's school trip because I wanted to save the rest of the money.

Aibu? I may get flamed but I don't see it as family money. We have separate finances for a reason.

Oh come on, there'll be 100+ kids not going. These trips are deliberately expensive to keep numbers down and they never intend on taking everyone. They'd do a lottery or fcfs.

If he can pay OP back, he can pay by installments for the trip. Or go to the bank and borrow the money and pay it back.

I'll bet he wouldn't borrow the money from a lender....

If tDH wants him to go, DH can get another job, can't he? Do weekend work etc

What does "separate finances" mean?

Does it mean everything is strictly 50/50 or does DH normally subsidise you in some way? if the latter, I would pay for the trip or at least pay for a portion.

on the basis you've paid for a Lapland trip for your DD, I don't think you can put forward the argument you are not paying on the basis the school trip is unnecessary and overpriced (surely the definition of a trip to Lapland!) - basically you are saying you are not paying because DSS is not your child and you don't want to. Whether you're happy with this as an answer depends on your family relationships.

Child's mother and father should pay half each.

Unusual for an expensive trip like that to be paid in one lump. DD went in a fab trip with school that was this amount and we paid a deposit and then something like £100 a month.
I think it's cheeky to ask you to pay. His parents should be paying for this.

Yes? There's no blood relation, ergo they're not a relative.

For me there is something about how and who decided your finances were separate. I just can’t get my head around why you’d marry if you wanted to keep separate finances. If it was him and suddenly wants your inheritance I’d be more wary. But given it sounds like you’ve been in your SS’s life for quite a long time, I would personally look to supporting the trip.

I also think you’ve minimised the likely cost of your Lapland trip for the thread by the phrasing ‘A long weekend to Lapland’ Lapland is bloody expensive even if you DIY. Even just for the two of you, it’ll be be a massive chunk. I also think it’s odd your DH isn’t going as Lapland is normally a bucket list holiday.

Put your savings in an ISA or something safe, it’s an inheritance and you want to use it thoughtfully.

DH can take a zero interest loan out for the 1.5k

Alternatively gift £300 towards the cost and DH can get a 0% loan for the rest

I'd be offering to chip in a third, if your DH and ex can pay a third each. Otherwise, probably not.

OP hasn't said that DD is his.

I think it would depend on the relationship you have with your DSS. Would this potentially cause significant harm to that relationship? I think I probably would on the proviso that DH pays the money back. However, YANBU unreasonable to say no, especially given that his Mum has also said its a no.

I’d first find out the terms of payment. If my memory serves me right, when my DD did an expensive trip we had nearly a year to pay for it.

No I would not fund this. This will be just the start - as they get older the costs increase massively - driving lessons, cars etc. It is his parents responsibility to fund this. Did your DH get done work when he was made redundant? Could he get another job to fund it? Why can’t the mum afford it? That’s their choice. A ‘no’ at this stage is a good thing, it sets the tone for the future. What you do with your DD is not comparable.

Stick to your guns OP and don’t do it. Using your inheritance money for this just doesn’t feel right to me, particularly as these trips are ridiculously overpriced largely in order to cover the cost of the accompanying teaching staff. (I used to teach and have been on many residential school trips so no offence meant to teachers as I know what hard work they are).

I wouldn't pay for any child to go on a school trip like that!

You say your husband's savings are depleted....so he has some?

15% of your inheritance is a lot to ask for without a plan to repay you at least £1200.
These school trips are so expensive and for many families who choose to pay; there is no family holiday that year.
Many kids don’t get to go on the trip so I’d not be worried about that

@FrozenAgain67

You could pay half and let his parents cough up the rest or you can say no and go on a family break with DSS included instead but you should consider spending something on DSS as you are a blended family now and it isn't right to take DD away and not DSS.

Good point, sounds like he's not got nothing at all? In which case it's a piss take him not only wanting OP to fully fund the trip but casting up the Lapland holiday to her when she declined.

And the more I think about it, the more I feel the same about the cost. It's a lot to spend on a holiday for just one person.

Is he trip not payable in instalments?? My DC trip was paid for monthly for just over a year. Much more affordable then.

No, he has two parents, and you and dh have separate finances. They need to pay for the trip, or tell him he cannot go. As a gesture of goodwill you could contribute 100 or whatever to his spending money. I would keep the inheritance for you and dd.

If DH can't afford this then he can't afford a family break.

It is, because DDs parent can afford it.

You DDS is 15 and assume he’s aware that his dad was made redundant and his mum doesn’t have spare cash. As hard as it is, it’s life. Perhaps they can make a plan for him to go on the next one and start saving.

Also, as highfivermum said, in dcs school too, we could pay in installments.

I wouldn't pay the whole lot. Can Mum not manage £500, Dad £500 and you £500. How did the separate finances in marriage come about? It sounds like separate finances were good when it was convenient for DH but now he's lost his job he wants to move the goalposts.