So many problems with SC

[M2p]

I have been a SM for about a year, SS 12 SD 9 yet I feel like this is just getting worse as it goes along.
At first yes it wasn't too bad, meeting them starting to get to know them but as time has gone on I've found myself separating myself from the situation trying to keep busy when their here. So they are very fussy eaters, will never try anything new and if I cook something ive made before that I know they like sometimes they say they don't like it and won't eat. If I don't have dinner done at a certain time all hell breaks loose and it's like I'm starving them to death but they never moan to me about it they go to their dad. They ignore me, even when my P is around, they will ask him questions to ask me. It's even worse when he's not in the house which is a fair bit as he works and he leaves them with me multiple times in the week, i will ask if their hungry and they will just say no all the time, but as soon as my P comes home the first thing they will say is their hungry and haven't ate like I've done it on purpose. Also SD stares at me all the time i can see her out of the corner of my eye. Sometimes she will just stand with her head poking round the door while im doing something it makes me so uncomfortable. These are just the main things there is also little other things that goes on aswell, has anyone ever experienced anything like this before?

He’s feeding off your dislike of conflict op. He picked you because he knows you will let him walk all over you. If you can realise this is a horrible horrible man, it might help you. I’m sure there are some lovely things about him, and that’s why you were happy to be his girlfriend. But those things are fake. He would have picked anyone who is happy to be a door mat. I’m so sorry for you op, but if you can learn to say no, you will be so so much happier.

Hmm @M2p I think the second part of what you said there is probably more important than the first. Sure, they’re his children, when you set up with a parent the kids come too (in one way or another) that’s a given. But your principle relationship is with him and it ain’t good. You are avoiding the discomfort of conflict and putting yourself in pain I think.

I know it seems like I’m ignoring the kids in all of this but frankly I can’t see a way for you to make things better for them when it seems your partner, their father, is at the root of it all.

BTW. I don’t believe he was ‘sleeping on the sofa’ before he landed at yours. My guess that you’ve just begun the journey that the ex finished.

Run, OP! Run! Surely he is not Brad Pitt and/or King of Brunei or something? Just drop this nonsense.

Irrelevant. Its YOUR HOME. TELL HIM NO!! AND TO TAKE THE CHILD HOME. That you will be out tomorrow and don't want the kid in YOUR home all day alone. END OF DISCUSSION!

Are you afraid of ending things with him, or at the very least of telling him clearly "I will no longer look after your children or cook for them, they are your responsibility not mine, and they want and need you not me"

@Ophy83 no I'm not in would like too it's just hard. It's hard to message now as he's back, I've told him before that I don't want too because of how they are and he just brushes it off

This bloke isn’t going to change a single thing until there is a consequence of his actions. ‘Brushing it off’ translates to - I’m ignoring you, your thoughts don’t matter to me, what you say changes nothing, I will just keep doing what suits me best’. That’s what ‘brushing it off’ means, it’s not a neutral position.

You do the conflict bit @M2p or this is how all of you live now and forever.

I actually feel really sorry for these kids and can see why they are badly behaved.

Dad has gone straight from one relationship to another with no time for them to process that their parents aren’t together anymore.

Dad can’t be bothered looking after them when it is his contact time and just passes them straight onto new stepmother, who they haven’t even had a chance to get to know.

It now appears that their own mother can’t be arsed with them either, so a 12-year-old is going to stepmother’s house on a night/day which would usually be his mother’s time, and it’s unclear whether mother has bothered to check if Dad is actually available to have him. It would be absolutely inappropriate to leave a 12-year-old alone for a whole day.

OP, as has been mentioned by numerous others, you are being taken advantage of, but also this is some extremely messed up family dynamics that will be incredibly damaging for these kids, and you shouldn’t want to have any part in it.

@MurdoMunro I will be talking to him but after the kids have gone just in case

You need to assert yourself and your wishes / requests.

and stop putting up with it.

draw a firm line !

@TappyGilmore I do feel so bad for them and I've tried my best to get some sort of connection with them but it's not happening

kids - plural i though it was just one boy that had arrived for this evening / tomorrow

Good stuff. Don’t be batted away. This is no way to live and you don’t have to. Tell you friend what you’re planning to do and make an arrangement to check in with her after.

Your partner is using your dislike of conflict to bully you. The kids aren’t interested in you and will never change because their dad is fundamentally crap and they see him treat you badly.

I hope that you go out as planned. The kids aren’t bonded with you and would prefer to be looked after by their parents and not you - stop being a doormat to your partner and make sure you go out before him tomorrow.

Oh OP, I used to be like you and people walked all over me (not all but vile selfish people like your DP). I found it really useful to ask myself how X would deal with this situation. X being a strong woman you admire from your personal life or a fictional person/ famous person. You try to enter the "personnage" before you deal with a conflict. It worked wonders for me and I don't need it anymore now that I'm in my forties. I have found my inner strength and I'm confident and don't let anyone take advantage of me.

Ask yourself why he wants the children to come over so often when he's not even there : this is so he can pay less for them (CMS). So the mum will get less money from him. It's so disgusting because the children would be better with their mum instead of being picked up by a dad who is not interested in seeing them and hands them over to his gf. Please don't let him continue doing this! It's not fair on the children nor is it on you.

He really did see you coming OP and he's taking advantage of you: he moved in to your house, uses you as a nanny to his kids so he can pay less to the mum, gaslighting you into thinking it's fair that you do all the cooking, washing and cleaning because he works longer hours even though he's got his children there. No woman who respects herself would agree to this so you have to start respecting yourself.
Everyone here will support you on your way to liberty and self-respect.💗

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevonyes he's here and SD will be picked up when he's finished work tomorrow, so they will both be here until Sunday

He's obviously just saying that SS will be alone all day to try and guilt OP into cancelling her plans. He needs to take him back to mums if he can't look after him.

I feel very sorry for the kids and the situation their father has put them in but they have 2 parents and neither of them are you.

He's a user and you (and the kids) are collateral damage because he can't sort out his life like an adult human being. Exes sofa to your house, cooking and cleaning done and childcare on tap, he must have thought he'd won the Lottery.

You partner went from sleeping on the sofa of his family home, to living with you. I may be a cynical mare but I suspect you were the OW without realising it. Even if your partner has been completely honest, you don't know if perhaps his ex believes you're the OW and the reason behind her marriage ending. It also means you don't know what your partner's children have been told by their Mum or have perhaps assumed. If their Dad went from the sofa in the family home to you, it's not beyond the realms of possibility, that they think you are the reason why their parents relationship broke down. If that's the case, they aren't going to welcome you with open arms. It's clear, they don't like you and have zero interest in having a relationship with you. Their Dad is dumping them on you, when it's supposed to be his contact time, and when he is at home, he spends very little time with them. So they've gone from their parents being together, to having to stay in the home of Dad's new girlfriend. It's not any wonder they aren't behaving particularly well. Your partner should have moved into his own home, with his children, and built a stable, secure home for them. Instead, he's put himself and what he wants, before what's best for his children. Your partner is treating your home like a hotel, and you as an unpaid nanny. You are not responsible for looking after his children. It's time to kick this man out of your home, he's taking advantage of you. Once you've kicked him out, end the relationship.

Think of it this way @M2p , you would be doing the best for the kids to insist that he moves out.

They will get their own safe space in their fathers home, stability and he will be forced to prioritise them. You clearly care about them so do it for them as much as for yourself.

Oh no op, so you are going to end up looking after them tomorrow?

please please have a think about the characteristics he has out on display for you here.

you told him no. He completely ignored you. He does not care at all about whether you are happy or not, just about what he can get out of you.

and they’re not even your kids!!! You have zero responsibility towards them - ZERO

This is a really good way of looking at it and very true. It's not in the kids best interests to remain in the current situation.

You are unhappy, they are unhappy. The only person whose happy is the man getting all his needs serviced.

Here's another question to consider:

How would you feel if you actually were the other women? that he basically lined you up as his next accommodation option. How would that make you view him?

@Buttonsbuttons I wouldn't be happy at all and yes i wouldn't be in this situation

God I kissed some frogs in my time, but this new generation excel themselves. OP, I can understand your reluctance to do this in front of the children, it shows your kindness and that you think about them far more than he does.

You really need to end this, and all these absolutely useless men need to start standing on their own two feet and parenting their own children.

Tell you what, if you actually still like him, then suggest he moves out and you go back to dating. I'm sorry to tell you that I suspect you won't see him for dust if your cosy home isn't available to him any more.

Honey, you have got yourself an increasingly common species of cocklodger. He has moved into your house but refuses to clean up after himself or cook. He brings his kids over but doesn't spend time with them and expects you to do the heavy lifting and parent his kids. His kids have no respect for you. You need to ask yourself what he is bringing into the relationship because it doesn't sound like much. You have 2 options here: 1) get all of them together and read the riot act. Kids will act with respect. Partner will parent his kids and not expect you to cancel your plans to do it. Everyone will help around the house. If none of them don't want too, they are no longer welcome and partner has 7 days to find alternative accommodation (2) decide this really isn't worth the effort, break up with him and tell him to sling his hook. Nothing about either of these options is unreasonable so if he says you being unreasonable, respond with life is too short to have a mediocre relationship so I'm cutting my losses. Good luck - you have got this! X