Do you ever feel uncomfortable in your own home?

[pillowfighter]

Hi do you ever feel uncomfortable or awkward when you’re step kids visit.
our current house is small and two step kids stay with me and their dad for long periods of time as their mother works away. I’ve come to find that as much as they are lovely kids they do not help
clean up after themselves nor offer and my partner doesn’t ever want them to help ! . I feel sometimes I catch them staring at me too I don’t know why, I just feel sometimes counting down the days till they go back.

Been with partner 10 years have 2 children of our own he has a son nearly 16 year old

as horrible as it sounds the whole time he is the house I feel uncomfortable and on edge. He picks and chooses when he comes now he’s a bit older he now comes when he needs or wants something usually money or an expensive trip out somewhere but it used to be 5 nights one week 4 nights the next.

The second he walks in he thinks he is in charge he is nasty and spiteful to my children who are a lot younger than him and will physically wedge himself on the sofa in between my 3 year old daughter if she is close to dad or sitting next to him. He is constantly spiteful and nasty to my 8 year old son will hit him. Husband won’t have a word said about him he sees no issues. He ignores me completely I can be looking at him inches apart and speak and it’s like speaking to a brick wall but if people are there then he is all responsive he’s very malicious and has gone home making lies up about me lots of times!

my husband will spend the whole time he is there with him they will watch football or inappropriate stuff for the little ones so nobody can go in the living room and there’s a big drama if they do if I sat on Sofa next to husband and pop the toilet when I come in he will have moved to sit where I am so I am not next to his dad.

His dad takes him out alone 2-3 times a week so he gets plenty of one on one time far more than my children out you get doesn’t get any at all with her dad.

stepson will go out his way to make mess he refuses to eat any food cooked at home and kicks off until his dad buys take aways. He will try and pick fault with the house my cleaning my appearance and constantly make remarks how if is dad dies he will be getting this house and I will be moving out (it’s a joint mortgage) along with constant remarks how I “live off his dad” I work full time and have after both children I have a fairly good well paid job where his mom never worked for 7 years when she was with his dad then worked part time (16 hours a week) and gave up working completely around October time and refuses to work since she’s 36 no medical conditions preventing her from working at all and is constantly on the phone for money he is currently paying around £700 a month maintenance! Plus £30-50 a week directly to stepson as he’s always phoning for money!

Have a feeling either the minute he leaves school the end of June or potentially when he is 18 and she no longer gets maintenace he will have to move in with us and I don’t think I will cope at all!

@Mlk2024.

Why do you put up with it? He physically assaults your son, he should be banned from the house!

It’s always causing rows but husband puts it down to siblings being siblings and doesn’t get the fact one is 16 one is 8 so it isn’t tit for tat and then get the whole “it’s my son this is my house he has every right to be here”
his son has told him plenty of times he doesn’t like mine and hubbys children they have ruined his life stole his dad he blames all of his “problems” on them and dad overcompensates for not being with his mom and has created a spoilt brat with no respect for anybody!

Oh @Mlk2024
This situation is intolerable. I'd be making plans to leave, even if financially uncomfortable at the start.

These thoughts are becoming more and more thought about lately! My youngest will start a school nursery September so that will have a big impact on the amount of money I have spare then to start nest building! X

Have you read the book Stepmonster? Its not what it sounds like. Its a really validating book for step mums and the tricky dynamics and feelings that come up. Good to get your partner/husband to read it too so he can understand how you feel.

other than that boundaries/house rules. What you are feeling is completely normal, many step parents feel like the stuck outsider in their own homes. Ive had to disengage personally as it is tough emotionally. Seeing friends and doing hobbies when the kids are over can help.

@Mlk2024 it sounds like you need to get your husband to set boundaries with his son and potentially with the ex. Also look up the steptalk website you will get alot of good advice on there.

My step children were more tidy than me and easy with food. But they ignored me and made it plain they wanted nothing to do with me. They were manipulative with dh, taking every opportunity to put him in a position where he had to choose between us. Dh was so certain it would work, but when push came to shove he would never give then consequences and I became resentful.

in answer to your question though, I would never allow myself to feel uncomfortable in my home.. because that is what it was, my home.

It's totally fine for you to feel uncomfortable.

I don't really know how that's translated into 'poor step children' 'they didn't choose this' 'you knew what you were getting into'.

I feel uncomfortable with my step children. I sometimes feel so angry at how hard jt all is. Their mother is impossible. My DH could do better. They are lovely children. If I'm honest, given the chance I wouldn't choose a man with children but we are where we are.

But I never ever show it to them. I have some boundaries in place to protect myself such as my DH knows that in order to balance out things such as holiday with them but do a lovely holiday without. I may feel uncomfortable but I make them feel welcome, I make them feel at home. I sometimes go out, I don't make a habit of it but if it's getting much I will make plans for me. That is all ok and they are none the wiser. It's ok to feel how you feel. But we have a responsibility as step parents to enable our partners to make their children feel safe and loved and that is really all you can do.

I accept that ultimately I have a DH problem, but after 25 years I am still being ignored and gaslit in my own home. I have now stepped back as far as I can and I don't think SD has even noticed.

It’s never okay to be rude and disrespectful to someone in your home. Yeah whatever it’s hard having a stepparent but grow the fuck up and realise that there are worse problems to have than your parents not being together. There really are. The ones who seem to bear the brunt as well are the nice kind step parents rather than the abusive ones. Probably because the kids know that there are no consequences to bullying them.

I think your DH is making a big mistake not asking them to clean and do chores. That would make it much more like you were all family and this is their home too. At the moment they sound like visitors who aren't sure what to do with themselves.

Have you ever tried it?

Tried being a step mum @NeuroSpicyCat?

of course not. I’d hate it.

as a teacher I look after other people’s kids all day, there’s no way I’d want to do that in my leisure time or own home.