Do you ever feel uncomfortable in your own home?

[pillowfighter]

Hi do you ever feel uncomfortable or awkward when you’re step kids visit.
our current house is small and two step kids stay with me and their dad for long periods of time as their mother works away. I’ve come to find that as much as they are lovely kids they do not help
clean up after themselves nor offer and my partner doesn’t ever want them to help ! . I feel sometimes I catch them staring at me too I don’t know why, I just feel sometimes counting down the days till they go back.

I honestly don't understand how you could NOT?! I would NEVER have gotten with a man with kids, it is obvious that way trouble lies for 99% of people in that set up.
Either way, it is done. OP either leaves, or understands that the children come first.
It is the children I feel sorry for - I bet they are uncomfortable in their own home too.

Why do you hang out on the step parents board then? Being as you’d NEVER make this kind of mistake ?

@MellowPinkDeer

1. the threads come up on active.
2. I would glance at the stepparenting board occasionally as a reminder to myself to never ever date a man with dependent dc, doesn’t matter how wonderful he is, it simply wouldn’t be worth losing my peace for

Bye then!

Well now you do.

Maybe to advocate for the children.

I so agree, whatever you do is wrong. They made it clear they wanted their dad to themselves, then complained to their mum if I stayed in my room. I wasn’t allowed to discipline them and had no say in anything.

In Contrast, dh (their stepdad) just found it so easy with my kids, they adored him from day one.

I agree that the interests and happiness of the children are superimportant, also that adults are the ones that are supposed to have the maturity and emotional intelligence to handle the blended family scenario and all the minefields that come with it. But that doesnt excuse children from having basic manners, or fathers from basic parenting.

You are the only one with any agency though. The kids have zero choice.

I've always been so lucky with my SDC, two relationships with kids and both times they've been so lovely. It's still never quite as comfortable as your blood family, I think because it feels like a relationship that can be changeable or damaged, where as your own kids you never feel that way.

As has been explained, it popped up on Trending, or whatever it is called these days.
I may have vested interests though - perhaps my children have to live with a woman in their father's home. Perhaps I was a child in a home with step parents. Why are you only interested in viewpoints from people who are step parents?

As others have also added, to advocate for the children. I feel so so sorry for them.

YOU chose this. THEY did not.

Yes this is a completely normal feeling.

You need to have a good chat with your DH and you both need to be setting rules about the children doing their fair share around the house. I don’t mean scrubbing floors but they should be doing the basics.

If you had children together would he be waiting on them hand and foot and not telling them to do anything? No he wouldn’t so the same should go for his children. He’s not doing them any favours by treating them this way and they’ll become entitled spoiled adults if he continues.

Personally I just detach myself when SC is at ours. I don’t parent, they are there to see their dad not me. I’m friendly and welcoming but don’t over step into parenting them. I also make lots of plans for when they’re visiting and it’s been a clear boundary for me and my husband from day one that I’m not expected to spend every waking moment with them just because his child’s visiting.

I felt fine (one lived with us full time) but then I had a big house and they were respectful to me.

Just because someone chooses to be a step parent doesn’t mean they can’t find it challenging and tough.

Just the same as when someone chooses to be a parent they can also find it tough.

If your attitude was valid that would mean every parent in history was never allowed to say they were struggling because the answer would always be “you chose this!”

stop being so closed minded. Being a step parent is bloody tough and unless you are one you have no idea.

Yep, agree.

They come across very selfish, they chose to live this life yet act hard done by. The kids have NO CHOICE.

Of course. But choosing a man with kids is an added element of hard. Most people want children. I don't know most who would actively seek step children. Because deep down, we know it's usually fraught with extra issues.

Your argument of saying people who take on stepchildren shouldn’t moan because they chose that life is invalid, simple.

If a poster was on MN saying they were having a hard time coping with their DH because of a mental health issue he’d had since before they met your response wouldn’t be “well you chose this.”

Just the same as if a parent came on here saying they were emotionally fried because they DCs behaviour was out of control and they didn’t know what to do your response wouldn’t be “well you chose this.”

You can want to be with someone with children, make an effort to enrich the children’s lives and also not find being around them for long periods natural or enjoyable.

Yes, I feel like that OP. I tolerate it because they are not with us frequently. I’m very honest in my view that someone who spends 4 days a month in the house is a visitor. I am there 100% of the time, so is DH.

Clearly @StargazerLiIy you don’t like you kids having a step mum and therefore probably make your own kids lives and their step mums really difficult. Maybe get over yourself and everyone will have a much easier life.

If you are a parent whose kids have a step mother then YOU chose to procreate with a man who you couldn't sustain a relationship with. And YOU are the one with the responsibility to create a happy home for YOUR children. THEY didn't chose for their parents to split up.

We can all play the blame game.

I agree that 4 days per month makes you a visitor, not a resident (although I accept that’s a controversial view). But I expect the step children would agree they are visitors instead of residents and probably have no issue with the terminology. It’s just the hand-wringers who get upset about it

I was a step child and I used to visit my dad. It never bothered me...

Funny how it always seems to be the women who get blamed, though.

The point I was making is that the poster was being ridiculous.

I actually think that shaming step mums for struggling ultimately makes things worse for their step children. Surely it's in everyone's best interests to give step mums practical advice and support so they can forge a better relationship with their step children. Shaming them for their natural feelings will just lead to resentment growing which helps noone.

OK, reading back up the thread I may have misinterpreted, apologies. Agree stepparent-shaming is in no one’s best interests, obviously.

Love this @PrawnAgain. The same old bitter ex wives schtick gets boring on this board 🙄