Do you ever feel uncomfortable in your own home?

[pillowfighter]

Hi do you ever feel uncomfortable or awkward when you’re step kids visit.
our current house is small and two step kids stay with me and their dad for long periods of time as their mother works away. I’ve come to find that as much as they are lovely kids they do not help
clean up after themselves nor offer and my partner doesn’t ever want them to help ! . I feel sometimes I catch them staring at me too I don’t know why, I just feel sometimes counting down the days till they go back.

How old are they?

Why would their father not encourage or help them tidy up? Sounds like a partner problem

I definitely used to organise lunches out, gym classes, have long baths with wine and a film when they came round. They wanted their dad to themselves and were obvious about it. I just used to get out of their way.

Now they complain I never did much with them.

Hard to win with DSC.

Agree that it’s your DP who should be running around picking up after them, if he won’t make them do anything themselves.

No. I’d hate to feel that. And. Absolutely would feel that with unrelated to me children in my house. And so I certainly wouldn’t move in with a man with children. I would a million times over rather be single. But it wouldn’t just be about me. I can recognise it’s also deeply unfair on the children involved that their home has an adult in it who doesn’t want them there. Miserable all round.

I felt like this until I put some boundaries in place.

My now DH’s kids were 8 & 5 when I first met them. They were 11 & 8 when we moved in together.

At first they were on their best behaviour but over time their behaviour (especially the older girls) deteriorated. They couldn’t do anything for themselves, were fussy eaters, would leave wrappers & drinks wherever they dropped them and started to be unpleasant around (the older ignoring me, not speaking to me, eye rolling and generally passive aggressive). When I was ignored and started getting one word monosyllabic answers - I knew to save my sanity I had to make serious changes.

I stopped doing anything for them - cooking, cleaning, washing. Not my kids - their dad can do it. No thanks from them? No thank you.

I stopped going on days out / activities with them. They had become such hard work as I was ignored and never a word of thanks. Best is they spend 1-on-1 time with dad.

The older (14 at the time) - if she wanted to eat beans on toast with her hands. Let her be. Not my kids, not my problem.

When the kids came - I would do my own things.

Read up on the NACHO method of step parenting. Once you take the pressure off yourself and realise they aren’t your kids, not your problem, the relief is immense.

My advice - treat others how you would like to be treated yourself and stick to your boundaries.

Yes, but we aren’t allowed too. The step parent haters will be along shortly to tell you it’s THIER ( the step kids ) HOME TOO and you’re the wicked witch of the west.

I found the main problem was that I wasn’t able to pull them up on rudeness. Dh certainly wouldn’t and I was so resentful. If it wasn’t for that it would’ve been manageable.

I've not been a step parent but I have had kids that weren't mine staying frequently for a while (at that point I didn't have any kids). In your shoes I would absolutely be pulling them up for any verbal rudeness. You get to be spoken to politely.
In terms of not pulling their weight, tell dad what you would expect from the children and that if he doesn't want them to do it, he can fill in any shortfall. He won't care if you're plugging the gaps. Make it his problem, not yours.

This is excellent advice.

They are 12 and 14

It’s not that I don’t want them
there at all! How do u know I don’t want them there ? It’s just little things like cleaning up after themselves helping with chores when they here and the staring thing I don’t get.
I get it must tough having an adult around who they are not related too but we are all in this together and I make them feel more than welcome every time. And good for u staying single and not blending a family together when some of us try to find happiness. Lord knows why you are Ona step parenting forum then 🙄

They are adults now but I honestly never did. They were really good kids, and they were never rude to me. DH was (and still is) a good dad with good boundaries, he wouldn’t have tolerated any rudeness and he always expected them to clean up after themselves etc. We had the odd issue as they got older (a party held without our knowledge when we were away and the TV screen got smashed 🤦‍♀️) but nothing outside of normal teen behaviour. I am very fortunate I think because it would have been very different if they’d behaved really badly. My best friends step daughter spat on her because she asked her to empty the dishwasher. She was 12. I absolutely couldn’t and wouldn’t deal with that.

Why doesn’t their father clear up after them or tell them to do it?

I wouldn’t get involved.

I used to struggle. DSS used to lie on the sofa hogging the TV/remote control and I used to feel displaced, and took refuge in my bedroom. Not great

Just trying to work out in what way it isn’t their home too …?

This may be an unpopular view, but if you live somewhere 100% of the time, then anyone who comes and goes, feels like a visitor.

Which, if they are being shuttled back and forth between “homes” means they are only ever a visitor?

It’s these attitudes that make me feel so upset for children in this situation. To me it’s worse than “ unpopular”; it’s just wrong for children to have to exist like that.

This was the same for me, but there were four of them, not just one!

For ages, I felt really uncomfortable and would spend hours hiding in my bedroom.

We're ten years in now, and I don't feel uncomfortable anymore. I have a fantastic relationship with them and actively look forward to them coming now.

It just takes time, I think, to get used to sharing your space, especially with kids. Kids aren't known to be the most thoughtful creatures!

And also putting boundaries in place.
For example, I used to have a particular spot on the sofa that I sat on. When the kids came over, one of them would always be sat there, so I'd disappear to my room. Then I just started saying, 'Oi, that's my seat budge over.' It became a bit of a joke. Or saying something like, "you've had the TV for two hours now, I want the remote at X time because there's something on I want to watch."

Being assertive and almost having to edge yourself in. Well, it worked for me anyway!

Which, if they are being shuttled back and forth between “homes” means they are only ever a visitor?

Yes, that’s how I would describe it. And it’s probably how a lot of step parents feel

I don’t feel uncomfortable but I do feel less comfortable. Can’t walk around naked or have chips for dinner or swear or talk about adult topics like we sometimes do when they aren’t there.

And stepchildren

Yep I used to feel like I couldn’t take up space in my own home. My husband has three and two were teens when we met. Even after a few years I’d often retreat to my bedroom when they were over after a while. It could be quite intense. They’d completely take over and DH was a massive Disney Dad.

This makes me feel so much better .

I do feel uncomfortable sometimes around sd. She isnt a bad kid by any stretch but I hate when I have to ask her to do something like put her cup in the dishwasher. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️
I feel like a nag but I don't with my bio kids

You had a choice to be "all in it together". They did not.

You had a choice to be "all in it together". They did not.

Ah - the "you knew what you were getting into" card.

But many of us had no idea how tricky it would be, despite going into the situation with the very best intentions