You’re not their mum

[MellowPinkDeer]

That’s the response I got when I enquired as to if there was a card from my two teen stepdaughters. We’ve only been married two years and together for five. I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays, when I pointed out to my husband that he sends another person a Mother’s Day card that isn’t his mum he said ‘ they have been around a lot longer than you’

so that sums up how step mums are viewed doesn’t it … you have to treat them like your own or your’re a nasty step monster … but when it comes down to buying a card. Nope forget it. You’re not important, you’ve not earned it yet!

( don’t know why his response has upset me so much ffs. He’s always asking ME to make more effort, but they make ZERO)

Yes, there's a reason for that.

I wouldn't be doing all that either only to be treated like the maid in return.

Possibly.

As you said, you had no expectations for your husband to sort out your Mother’s Day cards and presents from your children because “he’s not their dad”

It probably didn’t occur to any of them to get you a Mother’s Day card because “you’re not their mum”.

You’ve also said they barely speak to you. Do you think they would have been ok with him buying you a card on their behalf?

I've got cards from my foster DC as well as from my DC. One foster DC bought me a blank card nothing about Mum on it but inside he wrote thankyou for all you do for me. It brought a tear to my eye. The other bought me one with best Mum on but his birth Mum is dead. No reason whatsoever your step DC could not have got you a blank card nothing about mother on it and wrote something nice in it for you like one of my foster DC did for me and he bought me a pack of Crunchie bars out of his pocket money. Your DH sounds horrible tbh.

Thanks so much for coming by! We always enjoy the ‘support’ of non step parents on this board!!

my sister is a step mum
Wonderful relationship with her step children (and known them a darn sight longer than you’ve known yours)
and never received a card on Mother’s Day
they have a mother and my sister isn’t her

She does however get spoilt rotten by them on her birthday.

Do they give you a birthday card?

This is absolutely lovely! I hope you’ve had a lovely day xx

Your children are younger, so it's a fact they your DH has been in their lives more than you've been in your SDs lives.

I don't think you've mentioned your children's ages, but say your youngest is 5. DH has always been in their lives. You have been around for less than a third of your eldest SDs life. They had a lot more life before you, so as @jacks11 said, it's fair that they may see you more as their dad's wife (which is how I saw my own stepmum).

You also spend more time with your children. 50/50. Whereas you said your SDs are with you once a week and every other weekend.

I think you need to manage your expectations here. They've done nothing wrong.

i imagine you’re a lovely foster mum and they genuinely wanted to celebrate the day with you

Washing is very easy to do per family member even if many MNers don't understand it - each person waits till they have a full load and whites are done more occasionally. Others things don't have to be separated.

Meals can also be done separately, but if the family is used to eating together with one person cooking (which is probably cheaper), I don't see how this can work as it would be mean to be sitting and eating in front of someone else who is also present, but not getting any food.

I don’t really think after two years a card is appropriate. I’ve had two step mums, the first was horrid so got fuck all, my current step mum is lovely and did a lot for me as a child and still as an adult I go to her for advice and support. I’ve never got her a Mother’s Day card. After about a year of her living with my dad I got her flowers, and every year since I’ve gifted her something around this time of year as a Mother’s Day gift, but a card has never felt right. Your stepdaughters should want to get you something, because you do a lot for them, but their dad making them do it will not help at all.

The fact they don’t seem to appreciate you and are not grateful for what you do is partly down to teenagers often just being self centred and ungrateful, but also probably down to their dad’s parenting.

Where are you getting all this misinformation from ???? You’ve really got the wrong end of the stick with your nasty behaviour.

Upthread poster said youngest was 5

So how old are your children?

Ah the poster was speculating about their ages

so how old? Can you not see that’s relevant

The key info is how they treat you on your birthday op

They get me a card usually.

my youngest is 12.

Ah they are 12 and 14

and yet granny did everything for them

and they didn’t get anything for their step dad because you sorted it

And eldest is same age as your one of your step daughters

and yet didn’t get his step dad anything
and indeed didn’t get you anything. Granny did

Not that this is any of you bullying business but my oldest daughter has SN and wouldn’t be able to go shopping alone.

i think its quite a lot to expect stepkids to get a mothers day card when they have a mum. its a difficult line for them to walk as well as not wanting to upset their own mum.

Your DH was out of order though. no need for him t be so blunt. har a discussion about division of duties and appreciation. A bunch of flowers and a thank you card might be nice, but that might be a blended family ritual that you guys start together. expecting them to without prompting/discussion prior was bit of a leap.

I don't think this post is particularly mean. I agree. My father died and my mother remarried. I don't buy him a Father's Day cars because he's not my father and took no part in raising me. I do however get him a card and small gift from my children who see him as a grandparent.

Having said that, I can see why what your husband said wasn't well received. You were looking for an acknowledgement of your efforts in helping him parent his girls and even if they didn't feel like it was appropriate to buy you a card, he could have done something to show you that HE appreciates you.

Yes, @caringcarer but that is presumably because your foster child feels you are a maternal figure in their life and wanted to demonstrate their affection for you. Which is lovely, and suggests you are doing a great job as a foster parent. And that’s wonderful for both you and your foster DC that this is the case.

However, would you expect the same of a foster child who did not feel the same affection for you? I expect you wouldn’t, because it would not be right or fair to demand this when that relationship does not exist.

Same applies here- they have not got her a Mother’s Day card because they do not want to. OP’s DH trying to persuade or demand they do so when they don’t feel they have that sort of relationship is only going to damage their relationship with him and with OP. Because that is what I read from this- the OP’s stepdaughters regard her as their father’s wife and not a mother figure. They may or may not like her, but they clearly do not view her a maternal figure in their life and so have quite appropriately not got her a Mother’s Day card. She says they acknowledge her birthday with a card, which is fair enough.

I never, ever expected a card from DSD on mothers day. I am not her mother FGS.

Were you honestly expecting one? So odd IMO.

I have been with my current husband 6yrs, he has grown up kids, 38, 37 and 32, the two girls get me a card to Step mum, it's just a nice thing to to.

My kids 35, 27 and 26 don't tend to get my husband anything for fathers day. Although they will for his birthday and Christmas.