You’re not their mum

[MellowPinkDeer]

That’s the response I got when I enquired as to if there was a card from my two teen stepdaughters. We’ve only been married two years and together for five. I’m only expected to do all their washing and to cook all their dinners and to pay for their holidays, when I pointed out to my husband that he sends another person a Mother’s Day card that isn’t his mum he said ‘ they have been around a lot longer than you’

so that sums up how step mums are viewed doesn’t it … you have to treat them like your own or your’re a nasty step monster … but when it comes down to buying a card. Nope forget it. You’re not important, you’ve not earned it yet!

( don’t know why his response has upset me so much ffs. He’s always asking ME to make more effort, but they make ZERO)

I would never get my step mum or step dad a mother's day card
They are quite literally not my mum or dad.
So no I won't

I get kids can be a bit thoughtless when it comes to this stuff.
But your dh could have got you a bunch of flowers and just said thank you for all you do for us.
It's doesn't take much effort . But a small gesture goes a long way

I think this is where I am with it all.

However your family is set up, you can still appreciate and respect each other. The Op is not feeling seen and appreciated. I expect the husband is angry with himself for his own failings in that department.

You’ve got the perfect response when he or they ask you to help “I’m not their mum”

I wouldn't say it's bad from your step kids, but that's a nasty comment from your DH for sure. Kids can be a bit thoughtless and not think of things like that. But I'd certainly be cutting down what I do for them and certainly cutting back what I pay for, DH can do it. I'd pay for my kids, but save the rest, and he can pay. I wouldn't make a song and dance about it, just quietly to protect myself and my own kids. I realise you've done it in the interest of good family relationships and from the kindness of your heart, but it seems you're not appreciated.

Imagine if her husband said the same to her children, with home he lives 50% of the time

This is why I won’t ever say it. Though tempting!

But you said he isn't their dad?

I'm a bit lost here.

You are not your stepdaughter's mum, so they have a very legitimate reason for not getting you a Mother's Day card. You really don't seem to be getting this.

Your mum had to organise the gifts from your children? How embarrassing for your DH. He really is quite useless isn't he?

Does he make an effort for Christmas and birthdays?

No but it’s really rude and unnecessary! He does a lot of things a dad would do in the days my kids are here in the same way I do a lot of things a mum would do for his kids when they are here.

we have no joint children to be clear so the only thing he should be embarrassed about is his response this morning.

You don’t seem to get that there are many different types of cards and relationships celebrated on Mother’s Day.

I’ve said countless times in this thread, some acknowledgement would have been nice but I’m really pissed at the response I got.

I have been a step-parent, and I have step-parents.

I have never received a card from SC, or given a card on Mother’s Day/Father’s Day to step-parents.

I actually find it quite offensive to suggest that just doing practical things like cooking, laundry etc means you should qualify for acknowledgment on Mother’s Day. In your own words OP you don’t really have much of a relationship with your SC as they don’t talk to you.

For me, Mother’s Day is about acknowledging your mum. And a mum is something infinitely more than a housemaid. In your own words, you barely talk to the SC. And you’ve only been in their life a few short years.

It’s no slight or disrespect to you OP. But you’re not their mum, nor are you carrying out the duties of one. I wouldn’t even say you’re on the role of an auntie as you don’t really speak to them…

It might be hurtful but maybe consider things from their perspective? They go to visit their dad and his newish wife, don’t really talk to her. They’re probably unaware of the exact dynamics of the housework but know they get fed with everyone else. They probably would be pretty surprised to think you expect acknowledgement on Mothers Day as there’s nothing to suggest that relationship.

If you stop doing things for them that you’d be doing anyway - cooking, laundry etc, then how will it work for your DC? Presumably your DH would retaliate in kind and would stop doing things for your DC, his stepchildren? Your relationship could really struggle as a result. Alternatively if you think that would work better, then that’s an option to consider and discuss.

I think if you feel taken for granted, that’s a conversation to have with your DH. You say he does a lot for your DC so maybe have a look and see if everything feels even. If not, he needs to step up.

I’m glad you’ve had a lovely day with your mum and DC. Try not to let this ruin your day.

Thank you for your considered response

He’s got himself a cushy little number, hasn’t he?

Continuing to run around after (and fund!) him and his kids without even a crum of gratitude will just breed more and more resentment. He needs to grow up and step up both as a husband and as a father.

It really doesn’t matter. He lives with your DC, who are unable to get you Mother's Day stuff, so he should have helped. If, as you say, he actually steps up and does stuff with/for them and you, it would be a no brainer.

If his kids were younger or had SEN, wouldn’t you help them get stuff for him on Father's Day?

You seem to have a very low bar for this man, OP.

Possibly- but they might not have wanted to get OP anything. If that was the case, he absolutely should not have got her anything on their behalf. OP asked her DC if they wanted to get him something for Father’s Day and they agreed- big difference.

OP’s DH getting something but not telling his children, then OP saying “thank you for the Mother’s Day flower/card”- which they did not know about- would be awkward for all involved. For instance, they might be unhappy that he did this without asking them, they might be embarrassed and take it as OP having a dig at them- frought with trouble that is completely unnecessary.

She is not their mother and they do not view her a mother figure, hence they have not chosen to celebrate Mother’s Day with a woman they have no mother-like feelings or relationship with. It seems clear they view OP as their father’s wife and not a maternal figure- which is absolutely their right. They did not chose OP to be involved in their life, they are just expected to make the best of it. What OP wanted would have involved expecting them to pretend they have feelings that they don’t have- which is unfair and self-defeating. Nothing makes children feel more insecure is to be directly or indirectly/inadvertantly pressured into expresses feelings/emotions they don’t have towards an adult who is in some way an authority figure over them (like a step-parent). It is wrong, even if the intent would only to have been to make OP feel appreciated. There are other ways they could show this.

OP knows they don’t feel she is a mother figure in their lives- and FWIW I don’t think OP has genuinely motherly feelings towards them either (and that is fine, in my view, as long as she treats them nicely, fairly and welcomes them into the home she shares with their father)- so why on earth all this angst and hurt feelings over something that would be meaningless? Even if they had sent a card, as they obviously don’t regard OP that way, it would have been insincere- they don’t mean it, OP knows they don’t mean it, her DH knows they don’t meant it- so why on earth would she want a hollow gesture? I wouldn’t.

I've also shared my own experience (as have others) with my stepmum. I am very aware there are Mother's Day cards for stepmums. I never bought one of these, or in fact any other Mother's Day card for my stepmum because I did not see her as a mother figure. She was my dad's wife.

Can you be at all open to the idea that this is how your SD see you? And therefore how inappropriate them being pressured to buy you a Mother's Day card would be?

Yes perfect.
What a happy marriage and happy life for everyone involved.

Excellent advice.

Just stop doing all those motherly things for them, your DH has let you know where you stand. I have a step mum and always buy her flowers and a card because I appreciate her. It’s ok to teach teens to show appreciation to those in their life who do a lot for them.

I never expected to get a card from my stepkids, and one of them lived with us full time. He already has a mother. I’m not a mother to him.

@MellowPinkDeer I absolutely agree with this. Trying to force an acknowledgement of a feeling they do not have for you is unfair, potentially damaging to your step-children (pressurised into expressing feelings they do not have is a horrible thing to do to anyone, and especially a child) and likely to damage the relationship you have built.

If they see you as their father’s wife, then that does not mean they hate you- it just means they don’t see you as a maternal figure in their life. They aren’t obliged to view you are mother-like figure. There are other, more appriopriate, ways they could show appreciation for things you do for them. Though, as I said above, much of what you do for them you do as favour to your DH and because they are the right thing to do because you chose to marry a man with children. You aren’t doing them a favour, you are doing what is expected of an adult who is married and lives with another adult who has caring responsibilities for their children. Just as he is in the same boat as regards to your children. You aren’t doing them a favour for their sakes. You are doing it because of the relationship you have chosen with their father. If he left, I doubt you’d seem them/be looking after them or taking them on holiday, for instance- you only do these things because of their father. That’s not to say they don’t have to be polite, obey house rules or show any appreciation for things you do that you don’t have to- just that Mother’s Day is not necessarily the way they want to do that. And that is their right.

But he's your husband. Surely it's his responsibility to buy for you rather than your mum?

I have no bio kids and my husband always arranges a mother's day card and gift from the kids, makes me breakfast in bed etc. He does the same on birthdays. For me, it's more about him recognising me as the mother figure in the house and showing appreciation for everything I do because ultimately everything I do for the kids is a choice rather than an obligation and it helps him out a lot. I love that my SD7 is always excited to make a fuss of me on mother's day and it was totally unexpected but touching when my teenage SS got me a card and gift. I do what I do because I love my SKs and I enjoy being a SM but ultimately me stepping up the way I do makes DHs life much easier so it's important to me that he recognises that. Kids can be a bit ungrateful or not even give it a second thought but your DH has no excuse for being so unappreciative and thoughtless.

They should appreciate what you do, say thank you, be kind and respectful to you etc, but I don’t think that means they have to send you a Mother’s Day card. You’re not their mum.

My friend is a step mum, she has a lovely relationship with her step children but wouldn't want a card from them on Mother’s Day. I don’t think her own children would like it very much either.