Kids hate dad’s new partner - any advice?

[Lysco]

I split from my ex-h 6 years ago. We have 50:50 parallel-parenting of 3 children. D1 is 18, D2 is 16, S is 14. In August 24, D1 returned 3 days early from a holiday with me/siblings to collect her A level results. Dad collected her from train station and took her to his house (former marital home), where his new GF was waiting. There was no prior notice/discussion with D1 about GF being there. D1 had met GF twice before, briefly for a meal/drink out. GF stayed there for 2.5 days, working from ‘home’, with all her belongings in the bathroom, bedroom and kitchen. It looked like she’d moved in. Daughter felt uncomfortable and wanted to chat with dad about it. This caused a row, GF left in tears, taking her belongings, saying she knew the kids wouldn’t like her. Dad didn’t speak to D1 for a few days, saying she had ruined their relationship and GF had left him. Since then GF and kids have clashed at every meeting. There were chats between kids/dad in October and November 2024, with kids asking Dad to have his relationship outside the home until they all knew GF better. This resulted in GF telling the children that they were just kids, and the adults call the shots, so she could do as she liked. Dad did try to honour the kids request to keep GF away, but soon caved to GF’s demands for more attention. In December 2024, D1 got a text message from dad/GF, after she’d had another argument with GF, telling her that if she couldn’t get on with GF she would have to leave the family home. Dad said it was his house and he would do whatever he wanted in it, with whoever he wanted. I offered for D1 to be with me 100%, but she wanted to continue 50:50 with dad. She is now at uni, but comes home w/e’s, so has limited time with dad now anyway. She still goes to dads but comes to me whenever GF shows up. At Christmas, dad cancelled xmas day, boxing day and NYE plans with kids to be with GF. Kids were devastated. There have been rows and upsets virtually every time GF is at the house. The situation with GF and dad also seems volatile, with at least 4 splits and reconciliations since August 24, with kids being blamed for ruining their relationship on each occasion. D1 and D2 have now said they want nothing more to do with GF. In response Dad has said GF is going to be coming over more and staying overnight more. I have minimal contact with dad, we only text about child care issues, but I have messaged him to ask if we can discuss the situation, as I can see how upset the children all are. D1 suffering hair loss due to stress, D2 has become sullen and angry, son has become very quiet. Dad, as I expected tbh, hasn’t replied to my text. I am supporting the children as best as I can from my end. We discuss the rows and how they feel and what they want going forward. They still want to have 50:50 time with dad. I have bought them a book on blending families to read. I have researched online how to handle these kind of issues from the perspective of relationship professionals/counsellors. I would also like to get some ‘real life’ suggestions from parents in similar situations on what else I can do to help the children to cope. One friend suggested a family counselling session with self, kids, dad and GF. Is this a good or bad idea?

On the week they are with me, I ask them before inviting him over whether its ok for him to come round. If they say no, I don’t invite him. He accepts that the children want to see me (not necessarily him) on our week together. He will stay over when the children are at dads, but he takes all his belonging away when he leaves so as not to make kids feel uncomfortable having his stuff lying around. We are both very respectful of the childrens feelings. It’s their home as much as it is mine. If he comes round when the children are with me he checks in with them frequently to make sure he hasn’t over stayed his welcome. I will ask the children if it is OK if he stays a bit longer to have dinner with us or to watch a film etc. If we are going out, I will ask if he can join us. If they say they’d rather it was just us, I say ok. They like him a lot, so nowadays (almost 2 years in) they say yes to all and even suggest he comes over/out with us. So, the answer to your questions, is yes absolutely, though that situation never arises because self and BF are respectful of their needs in advance.

Yes, I agree. But he is their dad. There may come a time where, like I did, they realise he isn’t worth bothering with. I suspect they will be in their 30’s at least. Meanwhile, they want to see him and they have enough good times with him to keep them going.

I hear you. But they always present their best selves, til we are trapped with kids. Now he's doing the same with the new woman. You weren't to know.

what the actual! That is seriously unhinged behaviour. How can they be the ages they are and not just grabbed a key off him and got it cut themselves or - said dad give me a key to get done now? This is so weird. Don’t they constantly go on at him? Does he really never leave the house when they are there? I’m shocked they talk to him as he sounds horrific

He has a certain way of rendering you powerless. If they got their own key cut he would notice and wait until the key was unattended, take it and deny all knowledge of seeing it. He would never directly challenge them having had one cut. So, they would just think they had lost it. We are quite rural, so for the younger 2 they gave no transport to get to a key cutting place. It might sound odd, but whilst I was with him there were huge infringements on me that I just accepted because I thought he was supporting me, when in fact he was doing all sorts of scamming things.

So he’d take it off their keychain- even if it was in a handbag or something? All of them and none would notice? How would he manage that though. Surely they’d know it was him.
Being rural is annoying though. Ok so they can’t come and go? Or can the older one drive now? Goodness that makes it even odder they want to bother going there! Isn’t he sick of giving them lifts etc?

Do you think they have a non confrontational relationship with him? If that was my dad I would have nagged him incessantly by now and the next trip out I would have said ok let’s go to a Timpsons now etc and I would have not let up for years! Do you think they’re a bit scared of him? There’s no way me and my siblings would have let him get away with that. I mean giving the Gf a key too?! They should steal hers. I’m surprised they don’t see how weird his behaviour is but maybe they will now they are older.

He’d find a way, like changing the lock so their keys would no longer fit. It sounds unbelievable but he is very good at doing things like that and getting away with it. He is devious and exceedingly good at lying. I asked youngest (15) tonight about the key situation (I generally try not to ask about anything regarding dad because they are very uncomfortable talking about anything to do with him; I do get the low down on stuff happening regarding GF, but mostly they are silent about dad). Youngest said ‘oh yeah, we keep asking about a key but dad keeps forgetting. Dad said he’s going to install a key box’. I said ‘it has been 8 years, thats a long time to be asking and a long time for him to keep forgetting, and he got GF a key straight away, there’s definitely something not right there, maybe he doesn’t want you to have a key?”. My youngest just went quiet. I think they know deep down, they just put their heads in the sand. I used to do the same. A similar issue has been happening with school dinners; dad can’t pay anything towards these as he hasn’t got the app. I sent him a link to the app. He doesn’t know how to use it. I send him instructions. He can’t get on the app as he’s forgotten his passcode for his email address. The excuses are endless. 7 months later he still hasn’t accessed the app. I sent him an itemised bill for the dinners, told him to just send the money owed to my account via his bank. He’s not set up for internet banking anymore. I said send cash with the children. He keeps forgetting. I keep reminding him via text, these messages remain unanswered. I get annoyed about it, raise it with the children. Kids say they are caught in the middle. I say there’s no middle, its just dad not wanting to go pay for your dinners. Eventually it got paid, but the extremes I have to go to. It’s exhausting. The kids are faced with the same evasive behaviours, whereas now I am quick to say ‘thats a lie’, the kids want to believe the lies. It’s less hurtful than the truth.

There’s no point being confrontational with dad, he doesn’t respond, so yes, they are likely non-confronting with him. I don’t think they are scared of him, he isn’t aggressive, but I think they just know that with dad you don’t get anywhere with anything he doesn’t want. Eldest now has a car and can leave dads whenever she wants, though isn’t there much. I haven’t checked in with her about the key situation, but I know she still doesn’t have a key. She’s concerned that dad will boot her out, I think, if she acts out. He has warned her of this before, she was distraught.

I really hope she is old enough to know that it isn’t normal and acceptable behaviour and wouldn’t be ok with that in a relationship of her own. He might have a big house but nothing else sounds attractive about the entire situation. Hopefully she knows about red flags in relationships and controlling behaviour.

Ugh.
Does he pay maintenance?

Id be embarrassed at that age to have a parent not give me a key etc l wouldn’t be bringing friends round. I’m glad you pointed that out to him.

Good grief no banking either? He sounds insufferable. You are right to point out he’s lying. There is no point covering for him.

Daughter is very intelligent and mature in many ways, though not in others. I have told her about some of my difficulties with dad during the marriage and divorce. This was said to help her to understand how he can be, to safeguard her, not to dis him. I found his behaviour mind bending myself as a 40 year old, I still don’t understand how he thinks at all. I cannot expect a 20 yo to have any idea what she’s dealing with. He doesn’t seem to have any feelings or any emotional intellect. I have sent daughter some podcasts on relationships and perhaps need to discuss more about control and abuse and red flags - stuff I had no idea about myself until after my separation from dad! I just worry in case she (or anyone else) thinks I am trying to influence her against dad. Though, it looks like I have an opportunity to introduce more information on effective relationships as she has recently been through a difficult dating experience.

No maintenance. Its a 50:50 living arrangement, so maintenance not part of the deal, and we had a clean break divorce. Difficult for me as I was a SAHM, so getting into a similar financial position as him employment-wise has been impossible. There was no point trying to get maintenance anyway, he made it clear he wouldn’t pay me a penny and tried to take the child benefit from me when we first split, at a time when I was on benefits and he was turning a good profit in his business. He doesn’t declare much of his earnings, I read up on getting self-employed fathers to pay for their children. There seems to be a fair few who lie about their income so as not to contribute towards their children. He would definitely be one of them. His parents left the children some money, he said he would invest it for them. Now refuses to pass the money over to the children. I have told the children to get onto him about this as the oldest 2 need finances through uni. He gives an array of excuses as for why the £ cannot be returned to them.

I should also say that he is her uni landlord which adds a further layer of stress because he could make that situation very difficult if he chooses.

Very much this.

My advice to your kids is different - I would advise them to stick it out and see their Dad for their 50% allotted time. Be around and present - they must be civil but they don’t have to love her. The GF won’t be able to stand it. This war can be fought in clever ways let’s face it (and it is a war as this gf clearly wants to drive a wedge between them)

I hear you @Whowahway123 , although I would say that the children, now 15, 17 and 20 have been through a lot of stress due to the situation. I wouldn’t want to live in a house with someone I didn’t know or didn’t like either. The oldest is ok as she can move out. The younger two could stay with me 100% but they are still competing for dad’s affections and they say why should they move out of their family home? Plus he still has a legal responsibility to his youngest 2 children. It does seem to be getting easier though; they are used to the situation now. They are not rude to GF but don’t want to spend time in her company. I think the saying ‘you reap what you sew’ works here. Dad was too keen to move GF in because he wanted her living with him. They misjudged entirely how that would go down with 3 kids. They didn’t do the work to properly introduce and blend the children into their relationship which alienated the children. The children have aimed their ill feelings towards GF instead of dad, who was the one at fault, though most women would have dealt with the situation much more sensitively I think.

To be honest, my children in a 50:50 situation have accepted new partners. I’ve only had one, who didn’t move into their home (by then 2 of 3 were adults) until 4 years in. But ex has had a succession - though all have been mums and ok with the kids. So I can’t comment from that perspective. But the adult child has to accept the situation I think and stay away if they don’t like her. It’s trickier with the younger 2 but I think I would just say this is the situation dad has chosen and they can go less if they want and there is a genuine personality clash. I wouldn’t force therapy or blending. I’d also not read up on it when it’s not my situation to solve.

It’s interesting how many different views there are! I would not advise them to start waring with GF or dad. That would be unhealthy for them and I think he would choose GF over them tbh. GF was very quick, at 5 months in, to tell me that if the children didn’t get along with her she wouldn’t be bothered, and she had a plan for dealing with it. Not sure what the plan was, but she’s still in his life and nothing much has changed.

Good advice. I agree with all, though I think reading up is ok even when its not your situation to resolve. It always helps to be well informed.

I think that it's already a warring situation between them and GF because of her behaviour and how their dad has handled it. I agree with curious79, as it's not going to stop being a war they need to have a better strategy.

Are you suggesting a strategy to get rid of GF? That seems unfair to dad, he’s entitled to have a relationship. In another 5-10 years the children will likely all have flown the nest. He’ll be on his own. Though it does appear that this particular GF has been a disaster as far as the kids are concerned. Personally, I think it would be good to start afresh with someone more considerate and caring, but no one can tell him what to do. Other posters have suggested dad has thrown GF under a bus, and I do have some sympathy there. Though they are very much the blind leading the blind. I have a few female friends who have developed relationships with men with kids who have been very respectful of each other and become good friends with the kids. That would be nice for my kids, but as OP said, there’s such a bad feeling now, the kids describe GF as toxic, I don’t think there’s going to be a change of heart. I am expecting GF to move in properly once 17 yo leaves for uni in September. 15 yo will need to decide what to do then.

Posters have never met the girlfriend or your ex, but they can deduce meaning from all your descriptions.

I also feel that your D1 has behaved very unreasonably. More maturity should have been expected of her than this. Brain development or not, she’s not a child. She’s an emerging adult and should have much more awareness than this.

Personally, I'd be doing everything I could to get my children away from him. I think his behaviour is harmful to them - contact with both parents isn't always a good thing!

Was the money left to your children, in his name? Depending on how the will was worded, I'd seek legal advice on getting that money back because it isn't his to keep. He's stealing from his kids and that's how I'd put it to them if he doesn't hand it over once they are of age.

If he has property and a business, then I assume he's paying the right tax on it all? If there's a possibility that you can quietly drop him in the shit, I'd definitely take that opportunity should it present itself!

I think more a strategy to cope with being around someone like her. I'm honestly baffled by you defending her to your kids. Just from what you've written she's been crying and storming off, starting rows, swearing and calling their dad names, managing their dad's phone calls, locking an unrelated teenager in a car with her, an unrelated BBQ hostess also disliked her enough to ban her from an event which she then turned up at and by the sounds of it made a complete exhibition of herself before driving dangerously.

Your child is right in describing her as toxic. As an adult I might be able to forgive her but I couldn't unsee that behaviour and feel safe around her. All this talk of encouraging your children to give her a chance might feel like gaslighting to them when they know that she's unhinged. I think they would be better off avoiding her but if that's not an option then killing with kindness is the next best thing.

I would. Having daughters myself I honestly see this as one of the most important bits of education you can give them. I would definitely talk to her about coercive control, red flags etc. You can use the womens aid website for help. You dont need to mention her Dad. If she links the two - well what does that say about him! But I would still let it be known that you divorced for a reason and you do not need to protect him. He is actively choosing to behave like this. Its really important that she does not grow up thinking any of this type of thing is remotely normal or healthy behaviour, to protect herself.