Kids hate dad’s new partner - any advice?

[Lysco]

I split from my ex-h 6 years ago. We have 50:50 parallel-parenting of 3 children. D1 is 18, D2 is 16, S is 14. In August 24, D1 returned 3 days early from a holiday with me/siblings to collect her A level results. Dad collected her from train station and took her to his house (former marital home), where his new GF was waiting. There was no prior notice/discussion with D1 about GF being there. D1 had met GF twice before, briefly for a meal/drink out. GF stayed there for 2.5 days, working from ‘home’, with all her belongings in the bathroom, bedroom and kitchen. It looked like she’d moved in. Daughter felt uncomfortable and wanted to chat with dad about it. This caused a row, GF left in tears, taking her belongings, saying she knew the kids wouldn’t like her. Dad didn’t speak to D1 for a few days, saying she had ruined their relationship and GF had left him. Since then GF and kids have clashed at every meeting. There were chats between kids/dad in October and November 2024, with kids asking Dad to have his relationship outside the home until they all knew GF better. This resulted in GF telling the children that they were just kids, and the adults call the shots, so she could do as she liked. Dad did try to honour the kids request to keep GF away, but soon caved to GF’s demands for more attention. In December 2024, D1 got a text message from dad/GF, after she’d had another argument with GF, telling her that if she couldn’t get on with GF she would have to leave the family home. Dad said it was his house and he would do whatever he wanted in it, with whoever he wanted. I offered for D1 to be with me 100%, but she wanted to continue 50:50 with dad. She is now at uni, but comes home w/e’s, so has limited time with dad now anyway. She still goes to dads but comes to me whenever GF shows up. At Christmas, dad cancelled xmas day, boxing day and NYE plans with kids to be with GF. Kids were devastated. There have been rows and upsets virtually every time GF is at the house. The situation with GF and dad also seems volatile, with at least 4 splits and reconciliations since August 24, with kids being blamed for ruining their relationship on each occasion. D1 and D2 have now said they want nothing more to do with GF. In response Dad has said GF is going to be coming over more and staying overnight more. I have minimal contact with dad, we only text about child care issues, but I have messaged him to ask if we can discuss the situation, as I can see how upset the children all are. D1 suffering hair loss due to stress, D2 has become sullen and angry, son has become very quiet. Dad, as I expected tbh, hasn’t replied to my text. I am supporting the children as best as I can from my end. We discuss the rows and how they feel and what they want going forward. They still want to have 50:50 time with dad. I have bought them a book on blending families to read. I have researched online how to handle these kind of issues from the perspective of relationship professionals/counsellors. I would also like to get some ‘real life’ suggestions from parents in similar situations on what else I can do to help the children to cope. One friend suggested a family counselling session with self, kids, dad and GF. Is this a good or bad idea?

Yes, there are two sides. I don’t have GF’s view. Though I have the view of 3 children and have asked them separately for their accounts. Their accounts match. They are pretty trustworthy, I have no reason to suspect lies.

I chose badly! I think any random guy would have been better. What was I thinking m?

Your children were shielded by you as much as possible when you were with him. Now they are seeing him as he is without a shield but are old enough to walk away. If they decide to walk away that is their own decision and on him not you. He can blame you because he doesn’t believe anything is his fault but you know it’s bullshit and can ignore him.

If I was in your shoes I would be hoping they would wash their hands of him, I would then never have to have anymore to do with him. He will never be anything other than toxic to those closest to him and that includes the children.

thanks for feedback. Much appreciated:)

Your ex is handling it badly. GF is entitled to live there if she wants to and your children will just have to accept that. But he’s going about this in a really emotionally immature way - the children should be kept out of their relationship drama. Cancelling Christmas to be with GF was cruel and bound to cause resentment. Not telling your daughter GF was going to be there was stupid, but by the same token it was rude of your daughter to “want a chat about it” when GF was there. If she was uncomfortable with the situation she should have made her excuses and left.

If they can’t get on and GF is living there (which is what it sounds like) they’ll have to stay with you. If he won’t make time for them outside of that relationship then yes, he’s a crappy father, but there isn’t much you can do about it. No, I wouldn’t suggest relationship counselling. I would make sure the kids knew if they didn’t want to go there that’s fine.

I wonder if the gf (and the kids) would be quite so interested in seeing/ fighting over dad if he didn't have the ginormous house!

@kinkytoesI think that's unfair on the kids. Children are predisposed to loving their parents, to want and seek their approval and time. The house is their childhood home - they were entitled to be there and it isn't wrong for them to enjoy the benefits of that home. Usually parents want to provide those things for their dc. It's natural to see it as theirs and not recognise any 'right' of some random woman to boss them around and change things at their home.

The gf you are probably right about.

You say that @Aiming4Optimistic but we already know the ex is abusive.

Speaking from experience I couldn't wait to stop seeing my own dad when I was old enough to do so. We are now minimal contact.

Yes. Good advice. Thanks. By way of explanation about the question of daughter being rude to talk to dad in front of GF: Dad had picked daughter up from the train station at 10pm, daughter walked into the house to find GF in the kitchen. She had met her once before that, briefly. It became clear that GF was staying over, then daughter noticed lots of GF’s stuff everywhere. Lots of her toiletries in the bathroom, and office equipment in the kitchen, and lots of clothes and belongings around the house. It was clear GF was preparing to go to bed. Daughter felt very awkward about having a stranger in the house, particularly as GF was working from ‘home’ in the kitchen having online meetings, so daughter didn’t know where to put herself. Dad never mentioned that GF had moved in. Over the next 3 days, GF didn’t leave the house at all. There was friction between GF and daughter, both jostling for supremacy in the house I guess. Daughter had been the oldest female in the house for 5 years and had taken on role of mum, cooking and washing etc. GF stepped on her toes with that telling her she was doing things wrong and taking things off her etc. So, after 3 days of feeling very uncomfortable, daughter built up the courage to talk to dad alone. She asked him to take her to the supermarket. GF got in the car without being asked along. Daughters face dropped. GF saw it and started to cry, got out of the car and ran upstairs, saying she knew daughter wouldn’t accept her. Dad went after her and there was lots of shouting. Daughter stayed in the car not knowing what to do. GF packed up all her stuff and left saying the relationship was over. Dad told daughter she had ruined his relationship. Daughter wasn’t wanting to be rude by talking to dad with GF there, it just seemed she was never going to get a moment alone with dad to talk about how she was feeling. I think, under the circumstances, she handled it respectfully.

Of course daughter has a right to speak to her father without the gf present. Especially regarding a new living arrangement that's just been dropped on her. Just because dad is enamoured of his new gf, it doesn't mean dd has to be! GF sounds very tactless, telling someone else's child what to do in their own home.

@Lysco Honestly, your ex sounds like a complete arse. Why was dd expected to take on the “mum” role? He’s the parent. He sounds like a sexist pig to be honest.

Having gf there when she arrived with no warning was just weird. It seems almost deliberately antagonistic. That said, I would have said I was unwell and asked to go home in her position.

You keep using “home” in inverted commas regarding the girlfriend, but it sounds very much like she is living there, so that’s what it is. Even if it’s the former matrimonial home, even if he’s handling it terribly, even if it’s all very unfair.

It seems like a take it or leave it situation dc have to decide for themselves. He sounds like a terrible father but just telling him that is unlikely to change it. He sounds far too selfish.

He wasn’t forced. He chose to do it.

He’s making her a scapegoat, that’s all.

And these children may make the same decision in time but many young people don’t realise how difficult their parents are until they are much older. Seems a bit harsh to judge them as gold diggers because they haven’t yet given up on a relationship with him.

@Lysco I think all you can do is what you are doing. You sound like you’ve healed from a pretty dreadful relationship and in time hopefully your children will find peace with it. Have they had therapy or would they consider? It might help free them of baggage of their childhood rather than taking I to their adult relationships. Thats not to say they should or will cut contact, just that they might find ways to handle it without it hurting them.

The GF sounds insecure and your ex isn't dealing with the situation properly unfortunately.

Do you know if she's a lot younger than him? I'm just wondering if he feels so lucky to have her, that he's putting up with his she behaves.

Removing the kids photos as screensavers really shows her insecurity and locking your child in a car to tell him off..OMG.. who does that???

Your ex has allowed her to treat your kids poorly... that's why she knew she could get away with that.

This is a nasty comment.

Awful behaviour him leaving them on Christmas day.

A few posters have been negative towards your kids..ignore them. This is all down to your ex and his GF is so insecure, it's ridiculous.

This! Kids can’t always call the shots. Dad deserves to have a life and a gf outside of his children. He should be respectful if kids don’t like her, but there’s probably a high chance they are rude, entitled and stroppy when they are there. If they don’t like it then they can go less. I think instead of negativity surrounding the gf, try and talk to them about how their dad is happy, and how they need to support his relationship. Ending a relationship time and time due to the kids, doesn’t show your children in a good light. I would suspect they are being rude, entitled, and stroppy!

I have asked them about therapy, but they say they don’t want it. They have very strong friendships and support from those, they also have support from me (though I am not skilled like a therapist and I have to be careful not to say the wrong thing), they have my mum, who is a very good adviser, and their aunt, who is validating (and doesn’t much like GF either, so they often use her as a sounding board). Lastly, they have each other. One good thing to come out of all this is them becoming closer and more supportive of each other.

I am unsure of her age, but she isn’t much younger than him, 3 or 4 years younger? I don’t know her age. She is very attractive and has a nice figure. When the kids asked what he likes about her, he said ‘she’ll do anything for me’. I think you’re right about GF feeling able to mistreat the children because dad allows it.

Your ex is severely lacking in the common sense and emotional intelligence department. He never should have had his GF move on like this, with no consideration for the kids.

He handled this situation awfully.. but this GF of his is another kind of crazy.

What do you mean about the keys- surely they have keys now?! How do they get in and out?!

Your ex sounds abusing and toxic and a crap parent. It sounds like he’s met his match and they deserved each other. The only problem is it’s effecting your children!

I don’t know why they want to see him so much.

Hi, yes, there has been some ignoring behaviours by the children towards GF. Generally, dad sorts this out by forcing them to apologise to her for not saying ‘hello’ etc, and to sit at the table with them for meals. They do both begrudgingly, then retreat to their rooms and stay there. I have said they need to try to be civil at least. I have a BF who has been introduced very slowly. He is very respectful of the childrens space and has developed a nice relationship with them. They joke around with him a lot. There was some rudeness towards him from the middle child in the early days. I asked her about it and she said that she felt bad about liking him but disliking dads GF. We talked it through and he said he didn’t mind and would just keep being nice and would just try harder to make her laugh. A few months later she was over it, and now she gets on with him really well. He’s teaching her to drive. Essentially, I guess behaviour breeds behaviour, some people have better skills than others when it comes to developing good relationships.

Does your bf have to leave the house on their request? Would you tell him to go away if they asked for this?

The day I moved out he changed all the locks, told the children they had all (4) broken at once. He installed a bench at the bottom of the driveway (gated and locked) so I could sit there to wait for the children when I collected them each week (I used it initially but after regaining my self esteem, I just climbed over the gate and waited at the door. Over the years he has relaxed on this, as it is easier for him if I drive up to the door due to having to collect their luggage). The children were 12,10 and 8 then. Over the years they have asked for their own key multiple times. They are not given one. There is no key safe either. He always says he’ll get them some cut, then says he has ‘forgotten’. I say to the children, “remember, watch the pattern of behaviour, don’t listen to the words” (he is a prolific and convincing liar, will smile and say ok with zero intention of doing what he says). It’s been 8 years now and he has been forgetting for 8 years to get them a key cut. To get in, they have to call him and wait outside. GF had a key from day one (as did I when I was his GF, and by the way, he moved me in immediately too, just 3 weeks after his previous relationship ended - told me the spilt had been 3 years - uncovered that lie recently). Their inability to gain access to the house when GF has her own key has become another reason for them to dislike GF. I say to them always, it’s not her fault, it’s dads, direct your frustration there. The answer to why they want to see him so much, well I guess partly the same as why it took me so long to leave, the abuse is covert, mixed in with just enough nicety and a lot of promises (next year we’ll go to X on holiday, next year I’ll get you a nice car) to make you feel like you want to retain his presence in your life. Nothing is done with any trace of unpleasantness, so you’re always thinking well of him.