End of maintenance - what to do?

[Donewithitt]

DSS will be 18 this year, so his maintenance payments will stop. Which are around 1.5k per month (not including school fees)
We are pretty sure DSS's mum will KO about it, is there anyway to mitigate this?
DH is planning to write to her at the end of this month to let her know it's stopping, so it doesn't come as a shock and she has 10 months to prepare.
Currently we can afford to continue the payments and plan on diverting the money, minus the school fees into savings for DSS so he'll leave uni with a lump of 50k - which he can access for a house deposit.
Has anyone done anything similar?

Theres legal and then theres whats right. If she is primarily housing, feeding and clothing your SS because he is still in education I think you should still be contributing. I think it’s reasonable to reduce it but it’s utterly unreasonable to think your husband shouldn’t contribute to his ongoing costs and leave them to his mother. You could perhaps take it down to 500 to her until he moves out a few hundred directly to him and the rest in savings.

Put yourself in her shoes, she still has to pay bills and food for 2 people, he doesn’t suddenly stop costing money because he’s 18.

Ok thats reasonable but I still think you need to share some of the cost of him being at home unless he’s at your half the time. Which if he is then yup you don’t owe her anything

Complicated circumstances but my ex didn't pay a penny after all our 3 turned 18yo. Literally on their birthday. Pro rata. Took them off his family health insurance and just basically gone. Extenuating circumstances that he had a TBI and his mother was counting every penny.

It’s fair enough, you won’t stop supporting him directly. I guess the thing is his mum will still need to feed him, provide a room over his head, but she will be expecting it to stop. My son stayed with me in summer of year 2 uni holidays and whilst he was working full time himself, his dad (my ex) gave me £500 towards food as I was cooking his dinner every evening when he arrived home from work. He recognised I still had extra cost of him being home. That said, he never regularly paid maintenance to me over the years (we had words about it a few months prior to this gesture) but he did save 60k each DC to pay for uni, so I won’t have the cost of supporting him as in the UK the student loan is means tested. So no, you’re not being unreasonable. Maybe his mum will ask him to get a part time job and give some ‘keep’.

I think that's fine if you are going to support him directly if he is moving away from home and still helping with uni costs.

His mum should be expecting this and making plans to accommodate her change in financial circumstances. This isn't up to you to fix. The polite thing to do would be to for warn her, and depending on your relationship with her would depend how I'd approach it. Letter, email or a face to face.

Depending on what your dc goes on to do would dictate what I'd do regarding supporting him. But it would be him I support directly. If he goes to uni then I'd cover some of his fees, or living costs or even an allowance of sorts. But I'd also expect him to have a part time job to also contribute towards this. I'd pay and arrange him directly with him.

There are lots of ways you can financially support him that don't include paying lump sums to his mother or him directly.

By the way I'm also sure that if stays in full time education that may change the age you stop paying. I don't think it's a blanket 18

What is your issue? Maintenance stops at 18, when they become you know, an adult.
The biological mother will know that it will end.
Of course the kid isn't being cut off without a penny.
There's a few on MN today who seem to have parked their brains elsewhere today.

Clearly a lot of money grabbers on this thread. I'd like to know how many of those people bashing the OP would continue to pay their ex £1.5k a month when they were no longer obligated. Typical Mumsnet men are always in the wrong attitude.

Surely that's between the children & their father though = if they need help they go to him once they reach adulthood rather then their father paying their mother monthly

I think you're being more than reasonable tbh. Presumably dss' mother works and also most of/all the mortgage is paid off now? Either way she will have been planning fkr this time, given she must be well aware of the terms of the consent order.
In terms of Dss he will be pretty well off for a student I would have thought, with 1.5k pm, presumably a loan for fees, in addition to anything his mum gives him. He will also be able to take out some element of a loan, depending on his mum's income.

She will know its coming to an end - if you want to make a point write and tell her BUT please not that although he will likely be entitled to the majority if not all of the loans - that is what it is a loan. I would say that so your DSS and his DS will need a bit more money to live a little bit more than subsistence level. I would plan a monthly payment of say 350. This would help him out enormously and is a big contribution to him, which will make sure he recognises that he is being supported and encouraged by his Dad - then I would put an amount into a pension say 200 a month that he knows about with the remaining going into an ISA or some other tax efficient savings account - maybe even split between a shares and cash ISA if you can confidently pick. I think you need to balance hi s needs and funding and not leave bailing him out to his Mum. People are rightly saying needs don't go away at 18 and unless you want him to feel cast off you need to show support 0 I would suggest financial help and regular contact even if you have to set yourself a reminder - then you can figure out if there are specific problems to sort or emotional support needed etc.

You don't say what the relationship is like but just cutting him off wont be helpful. Mentally going off to Uni can be a really difficult time and a cushion around him could help him both in the physical needs but also the mental and emotional needs.

I'm curious - for everyone who thinks we should continue to pay. What do they receive in these circumstances?

18 year old
Allowance 500 per month
Uni fees paid
Car + fuel card 50 per month + insurance
50/50 home between mum and ours
1 overseas holiday per year - optional if he wants to bring friend / GF we pay hotel room and 1 flight

Plus a big chunk of cash towards a house upon graduation

My EXH tried to stop maintenance when DD finished school, literally the last day of term, CMS quickly informed him that it's payable while ever child benefit its payable, so at least until the end of August off the year they leave school, and until 19 if they're in non advanced education.

DD did a college course before university so he paid for an additional year. That was the entirety of his contribution, little contact, no overnight stays, no holidays no contribution to uniform nothing. I passed his maintenance to DD while she was at college so she could start to learn budgeting for travel, clothes etc.

He now contributes £0 towards supporting her through university because he's scum.

Plus all his uni fees paid.

I think now you have given additional information it's fair enough, especially if DSS isn't even living with Mum. It sounds like a lot of financial support and I think it's a great idea for kids to get a part time job at school/uni.

Sounds reasonable to me, yes DSS’s mother probably isn’t going to like the payments stopping once he’s finished sixth form, but if he’s going travelling, then definitely I would stop monthly payments, I think giving her 6 months notice is ample time.

The support you give him directly is great however that doesn't change the fact that mum has to maintain a larger home than she needs for when he goes back and forth to uni and anytime he needs to return home afterwards and despite him not being there you should contribute, unless you are happy for her to downsize and for DC to move in with you full-time when he is not at uni.

You seem to have plenty of money so up his allowance to £1000 a month and he can pay mum housekeeping directly

I think it sounds terribly fair and will thought through. He'll be getting a great deal more support than many children. You also sound like a really wonderful step parent. He is a lucky boy.

But he is 50/50 between them, so the OP/DH still has to 'maintain a larger home too'. The OP and DH do not have a lifelong responsibility to better the mother's standard of living...if this 'child' is the youngest there is no reason she cannot be doing what is necessary to maintain that herself.

That’s extremely generous support for an adult child who is working. Presumably his mum is aware of the plan and has been for some time.

Maintenance to the parent stops once the child leaves compulsory school (A levels or equivalent). There is no legal obligation to continue it after.

At least she will be getting notice from your dh. My ex stopped suddenly when youngest turned 16 and gave them the money instead. A heads up would have been nice!

Mum doesn't get to be kept after a child has finished compulsary education. As great as it would have been for me to have an ongoing income from my ex after my kids reached adulthood I knew the score.

Give over. Anyone with half a brain cell would have grasped that this money would end at some point. It's up to her to have prepared for that. It's not anyone else's responsibility.

Definitely doesn’t. Though I could only assume that their lifestyle means that £1.5K is proportionate.

Given the OPs update, it’s clear that this boy’s other parent won’t be suddenly left in the lurch as they’re continuing to support him.

I think your DSS is in a fortunate position. My DS is 18 this year and I think I will need to sell our family home of 20 years when maintenance stops 😔