Full-time stepparenting... I feel resentful

[Stepparentz]

So I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. When we met my stepdaughter had a 50/50 split, but when my partner and I moved in together she was with her mum all weekends (if I remember correctly...), but it's since then moved to 3 weekends, 2 weekends and now we have her full-time. I realise I should've realised this could've happened when I went into this relationship but I guess I was naive. She is a very sweet girl that I love dearly but she also comes with troubles in every-day life, sadly I am growing resentful internally she's taking up all the time I used to have with my partner and also our child. I know it's not her fault at all, I am just speaking my feelings. Has anyone been in similar situations? I really worry I will never get over this.

That's the solution!
Send the 'problem' away every now and again, so the OP can recharge and have alone time with just her partner and their child.

I mean, why on earth should the little girl be with her OWN father and sibling full time? She clearly has a nerve making the OP 'share' her partner. 🙄

Is there another relative perhaps from her mums family who would like regular eg monthly contact, one Saturday to Sunday overnight even every 6 weeks would give you a chance to have some daytime with just your child then get a sitter so you can both go out.

I do know what it's like to have a step child come live with me, older in my case but we got a call at 9pm on a Friday to say she would be moving in with us the following day, no discussion just that it would be early afternoon! You manage, you have to deal with a young person who knows their mum chose a new boyfriend over them and it took time to deal with that. We have a good relationship but at first we had to find our feet

The op and her partner should make the feckless mother pay CM. Then they can afford a babysitter now and then.

A step child shouldn't cease to exist either.

It’s a heartbreaking situation. She’s a young girl & heading into the Hormone era & everything that comes along with it, on top of trauma from her mums absence she and you all have/are going through.
if you love your partner and want to make this family unit work can you pull all ‘resource’.
are grandparents from bio mums or dads side available to have 1 on 1 time with your SD? Could a regular weekend or night be arranged so that you have solo time with your bio child? And a date night with your DH?
Is your DH aware of your feelings? Does he have regular 1 on 1 time with her? He should if not and you should too… it might help your relationship with her and your own feelings too.
is your SD have counselling for the impact of her bio mum not being around? Imagine she’s going have a host of questions/feelings that will only intensify over the next few years, all that ground work now will help her and all of you.
ultimately though it’s a massive ‘thing’ that’s being asked of you, each of you & none of you have had a say in it.. the huge ‘event’ that’s happened to her, ultimately the rejection from her mum & all of the feelings that come with that.

Maybe that’s where your feelings come from? theyre not really about your SD but at the whole situation ultimately created by her bio mum walking away and the storm that’s put all of you in.
counselling is good place to start for you both as individuals
wish all of you the best x

You have no idea whether or not the Mum pays CM. I know the OP said the Mum had lost interest in her daughter, but for all you know she could be suffering with illness or issues that make it hard for her to cope, hence why the little girl is now with her father.
Regardless of the situation with her Mum, the little girl has a right to be living with her father full time. He's her parent after all.

Any chance of her doing the occasional sleepover with e.g. grandparents/ her best friend from school? Something that feels like a treat rather than her being excluded.

Thank you for the many many incredibly helpful replies. I’ve written down a ton of good notes from your advice! Truly appreciated 🙏🏻

I cannot help but also say some of you would make terrible psychologists, just so hateful to the point you are making of entirely fabricated narratives around my relationship with my stepchild. But good advice in-between your hateful remarks though

Regarding her father, he’s super involved with both kids and expects nothing of me practically with stepchild. But since there’s two kids in the home I’ve insisted on doing everything I do for one for the other too (mostly), as I believe that’s the right thing to do. I do everything around my child’s nursery so ofc she would be upset if I never come to school pickup/dropoff etc.

Too bad the little girl won't see it like that in her world she wants both parents. I've suffered with MH issues not once would I dream of abandoning my 4 children. The mother might have a new man and carrying her next child with him and don't want the inconvenience of having her daughter around.

I really hope you find your peace with this, good luck 🙏

Surely, if you leave the relationship with your DP, you aren't going to get more time with just him? Or with him and your own DC? He'll have to take on full time parenting and whenever you see him (if you do) your stepdaughter will be there.

Are you kidding me? You only have to read all my posts to see that my empathy lies with her DSD.

Always so many excuses and reaching and general made-up nonsense when it’s the mum who abandons the kid, rather than the dad.

The op is not at fault she is doing all the right things. She's allowed to be pissed off at the situation and her DSD feels the same way. She is right to leave all the parenting to her DH he is her father. Her mother is a selfish and despicable woman and mother.

These sorts of threads always descend into a 'step mum resents step child' narrative.

Big that's not really what's going on.

What step mums resent is the pressure and expectation to be a carbon copy substitute for the step child's mother.

A: that is impossible both in terms of biological reality and in terms of family relationship dynamics

B: no one ever asks the step mum how she feels about it, it's just assumed that she will take on this responsibility without having any regards for where she would prefer to draw her own boundaries. As is her right, by the way.

It is a massive ask of anyone to love another person's child like your own child, when that child will never love you like their own mother. It makes for a really awkward, one way, pressurised, guilt-laden relationship. Horrible for all parties. Especially when the mother is let off the hook for awful behaviour while the step mother is held to unreasonably high and exacting standards.

It's obviously awful that the girl's mother has abandoned her. But the solution is not to install the OP as a replacement. It is the child's father's responsibility to try and manage the situation and the child's grief and upset about her mother, with the background support of the OP.

The issue will not be resolved by the dad simply saying 'it's okay DD, you can have this mummy instead'. It will just be confusing and uncomfortable for both the child and OP.

If you read my post properly, I said 'regardless of the situation with the Mum'

I'm not excusing the Mum at all for whatever she's done. She may well be the 'worst Mum in the World', but if so, isn't that even more reason that the OP should want to make her DSD feel more wanted and not an inconvenience?

Believe me, yes OP may very well be kind to her, and do things for her, but children can easily sense an atmosphere and pick up on vibes by adults, so she will eventually (if she's not already) pick up on the fact OP would rather she wasn't there constantly.

As I said, regardless of the Mum situation, even if Mum is a wonderful one, the little girl still has a right to want to live with her father full time, and that should be welcomed by everyone in his household.

@FreshOutOfFucks What step mums resent is the pressure and expectation to be a carbon copy substitute for the step child's mother.

OP stated very clearly that what she resents is not having one on one time anymore with her own child + DP, though.

…. which is odd because he already had this child anyway, so there was always a risk of SD living with them.

I think a pp's reframe might be helpful to consider - that you resent time with dp and dc has lessened, she likely felt that too originally, as over time you became involved during her dad's time with her. I'm sure she adores you OP of course. I think she should be getting support around the v difficult situation she is in that is no doubt impacting her behaviour and the whole family. Meanwhile you and dp should also be given some support for how to deal with this if it is challenging and you are unsure.
What comes to my mind here is 'She's family and this is what you do for family' That covers so much really. You'll find in a few years she will be less needy and more into her own friends and life and that will be a new phase for you all but meanwhile she will need all your love and support. Fake it till you make it I think, you can't rush acceptance but once you can accept, it will help you greatly.
Wishing you four all the best.
It might be worth setting up another thread if you want support around her behaviours etc.(I'm a play therapist do have dealt with these scenarios)

OP has the choice to leave. That's where the OP has the advantage. The child doesn't have that choice. The OP hasn't been forced into anything. She made her choice from the beginning to be with a man who had a child, and can change her mind now. What is not negotiable is that the child's best interest be considered first at all times. That is the norm and the law. It wouldn't be right for the OP to stay and make the child feel second best in her father's home. Adults have their own feelings and needs, but they should not be put above the welfare of a child as young as nine. If OP cannot come to terms with the reality of the situation and consider the SD as part of the family (which she is), then the alternative is to leave.

How did you know how the SD will feel? Answer: you don't.
Furthermore, I'm sure there would be no reason for her to feel resentful at all.

That was always a possibility from day one and you shouldn't have had a child with someone with a child unless you were ready for this to happen.

I don't care if that seems judgemental, because I am judging. Too many people go into to step parenting without ever thinking it through properly. Step up and parent this child or leave and only parent your own. There are no other options available to you at this time.

Why would she not resent not having her mother in her life and her sibling having both of them in their life. Doesn't mean ops SD will dislike the op she will probably love her the same way she loves her father. When a parent suddenly decides to leave for no reason it's soul destroying for that child. Don't underestimate it. It lives on into their adult life.

Your other posts mention how the SD will not get over how her mum abandoned her, yet according to this one, the OP joined a 'functional' family, not a dysfunctional one.

Well as the mum has supposedly lost interest in her own child, then the OP certainly didn't join a functional family did she?
It stands to reason that there would've already been issues concerning the mum, as after all, a family doesn't turn from functional to dysfunctional overnight.

So I think the writing was already on the wall with problems with mum, but OP either couldn't see it or chose to ignore it I think.

I really wish the step parenting topic could only be commented on by actual step parents. As always, it's so clear here who is a step parent and who is not. The judgement and lack of understanding is not helpful to OP. She's posted this from a place of care, acknowledging her difficult feelings and asking for help. I smh at some of the replies here.

The op said it was 50/50 then weekends and now nothing. When they first got together it was functional. It's not the ops fault the mother could have met a new man and carrying his child and don't want her daughter anymore. Women are no different to men when ditching their children to create new babies with a new partner.