Full-time stepparenting... I feel resentful

[Stepparentz]

So I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. When we met my stepdaughter had a 50/50 split, but when my partner and I moved in together she was with her mum all weekends (if I remember correctly...), but it's since then moved to 3 weekends, 2 weekends and now we have her full-time. I realise I should've realised this could've happened when I went into this relationship but I guess I was naive. She is a very sweet girl that I love dearly but she also comes with troubles in every-day life, sadly I am growing resentful internally she's taking up all the time I used to have with my partner and also our child. I know it's not her fault at all, I am just speaking my feelings. Has anyone been in similar situations? I really worry I will never get over this.

Err… what? You love her dearly and would hate not to see her frequently and yet I think literally your third reply was that you’re considering LEAVING your partner because of her?

You have been this girls Step Mum her entire life, and your entire relationship. Yes things change and yes you now have a DC of your own but change is life, and you should have thought through potential scenarios such as these a LONG time ago and whether you could/would cope before inserting yourself into the lives of a man and his young child.

With everything that has happened to your SD I cannot comprehend the mentality of wanting ‘alone time’ without your SD in this scenario whatsoever. If that’s really the case you are WHOLLY unsuited to the role of step parent, and I also worry for your ability to be a good role model for your own child in the years to come if this is your attitude to challenges and change. What a mean spirited person you come across as.
I wish your SD luck and happiness. You, less so.

“Our child”- the two children are siblings and this sort of thinking is a problem.
If both were biologically yours and one was absorbing more of your OH time than the other would you resent that?
Start bonding with that child, really bonding, she can probably already sense that you do not treat the two the same.

I think when someone has children you need to expect that situations change. You say you love her dearly but are struggling with the change. Maybe you and dp need a babysitter for both your children and some date nights. Excluding her isn’t the answer. It sounds like this is your new normal.

I can’t lie, I’m a bit baffled that you’re growing resentful over not having time alone with your partner and child when he already had a kid - you should probably have had a child with someone who also had no other children if this is so important to you.

I don’t really know what to say except that I feel bad for the little girl. I don’t understand the logic in separating, then you’ll surely have no alone time with your DP.

Would it help if you really focused on the issue, and ignored the step part.

The child has clearly been through a lot and has effectively been abandoned by her mother, so you are in some ways needing to treat her like an adopted child, albeit with the complications that it's her own father.

If the issue is alone time, then is it because she doesn't go to bed? You say that you have your own child who is also there but I'm assuming younger and goes to bed.

Can you be really strict about bedtime. 8.30 lights off, to give you a couple of hours together every evening.

Can you have a babysitter, for both children, once a month and go out.

Does she do clubs and activities at the weekend? Drama club on Saturday morning then you both drop her off and go out for coffee etc.

If the issue is not having time with your partner then focus on how to make that happen

That’s her bio mums fault. Not the OP. Also the father picked the mother. Not the OP.

I agree excluding her isn't the answer. Believe me she will know she that she is the second class child. Please try and see this from her point of view. She probably already feels rejected by both the mother figures in her life (children are very perceptive - she'll know how you feel). I'm guessing she may well be displaying difficult behaviour, which risks locking you both into a vicious circle. Basically your choices are to work towards fully embracing her as a daughter, who you treat identically to your biological child (no foisting her off elsewhere on odd weekends so you can focus on your 'real' family of three - she will absolutely know what you're up to) or you split from her father. There just isn't a middle way. Ultimately she was there first, not you, and she will be in your life forever as your partner's daughter and child's sister. Ultimately the choice is between having her as an angry emotionally wounded presence in a divided family or having her there as one of two children in a healthy family. I'm sorry but those are the choices.

Spoken like a step daughter? You are projecting a whole lot onto the Op and are a bit of a fantasist.

youve been in her life since she was tiny
you say she is a very sweet girl
you are married to her dad
your biological child is her half sibling
she is in desperate, desperate need of a mother figure
you have the opportunity to create a calm loving nuclear family for her and WITH her.

can you really not find it in yourself to step into that role?? Are you really not able to reframe this at all as something that feels really hard right now but could be totally beautiful?

Grow up! You’re in a family of 4 with two children, both of whom need you. Having 1:1 time just won’t happen with anyone with any great regularity when kids are small. Life, work gets in the way.

would you really want to put a bomb under the whole relationship and leave because you feel resentful - as some suggest?

stop seeing her as ‘other’ and step, and instead as a child you can either love and be there for or not.

in many cultures there is no word for step. You are part of the family or not.

i speak as a step parent

Easy to say, I know, but people really shouldn't make life decisions based on the assumption that they'll never have their kids living with them full time. Children are the biggest responsibility you can take on; you can't assume that you'll only ever have them on days and times convenient to you.

It's your decision, OP, but as it's always said, they came as a package deal and she's his child as much as your child is. If he's any kind of decent man, she will always come first, and you wouldn't want a relationship with a man who wasn't decent. You chose your situation, she didn't. I guess there's no point staying if you're unhappy, but I really think neither you nor he should have chosen to have a relationship and become parents based on the assumption that the first child would only be around on your terms.

I'm sure you're good to her but you definitely don't treat her as your own if you feel this way about it and are considering leaving because she's living with you.

@Floppyelf none of it is the OP’s fault of course but she was aware the kid existed. When you enter a relationship with someone who has children there’s always the possibility they’ll live with you. She’s one entitled with one-on-one time with her little family unit as if the girl wasn’t part of the family to begin with.

Good you acknowledge these feelings.

Aye, a fantasist is exactly what I am 🙄 and no, I’m not a step child. I’m sorry if my reply has pushed buttons for you, good luck dealing with whatever issues you have going on 👍

OP, ignore the ignorant small minded comments from the non Step parents who come over to these threads to judge.

I would absolutely hate to be in your position right now.

You haven’t mentioned your partner and how much he actually parents his daughter or is he taking advantage and expecting you to do it all? If it’s the second option this needs to be raised with him and he needs to step up more.

Also could you try and reframe this as a positive. You are now a family of four, your child has her sibling there all the time.

So lots less to-ing and fro-ing, no changed plans etc.

You don't have to organise life around a contact schedule.

Both you and your partner can plan on the basis of it being the four of you all the time, and know where you stand.

Eg he knows that he has to do school run everyday, so that influences which nursery to choose for younger child

I didn't want to read and run. I am a step parent and I am shocked by the number of responses you have got from people who are clearly not step parents themselves! Ignore the 'she's being rejected again' comments. I am sorry so many people are being so rude and judgemental on a topic they have no idea on.

Anyone who has been a stepparent or who is one, will easily be able to relate to you.

I am 5 years in and I feel unbelievably resentful and I'm struggling to get through it.

But now you're actually in the position of your DSD living with you full time, you only have yourself to blame for your resentfulness.

I don’t have a stepchild, but it may help to know that these exact problems arise when a second child is added to any family. I have two children of my own - the second brought added pressure, emotional and practical, he brought less time with my first 1:1 and almost no quality time with my husband who struggled to adjust and wasn’t very supportive.
But that’s life - it’s never linear, never perfect, and you make the best of it and look after your family. I would try to look at positive solutions to make your life together work the best it can as opposed to chucking it in like mumsnetters always seem to resort to suggesting … if you have a good husband you love. Separating would mean losing him and losing your daughter 50:50 and never seeing your stepdaughter. Doesn’t sound ideal either.

Sorry, but she did chose it. She chose a man who already had a child, who SHOULD be his first priority, even over her (children before partners IMO). Yes he was co-parenting, but that situation can always change for all sorts of reasons, especially given the child was a baby when they got together. She then chose to have a child with him, who will of course have a sister by another mother. And he chose too, to have two children with two different women, which inherently comes with the potential for complications (I know that's a bit unsayable, but it is true). Whereas the child had no choice about anything.

I get it, OP. I love DH almost more than anything, but if DSC had ever moved in FT, it would have been the end for me. It would be their home, obviously, but I couldn’t have done it.

Not sure what advice to give, just that I know the feeling.

@Stepparentz

What do you really want to achieve truly and honestly?

1. Your partner gets the mother to retake her daughter or he finds alternative childcare just for the step daughter so you can go back to your prior arangment when you were happy
2. your partner has step daughter adopted/put into foster care so he can focus on you and your child
3. your partner has one on one time with step daughter so you can focus on your child alone.
4. you leave your partner and so your child may end up being step parented when they visit your partner, if he still wants to be involved.
5. you treat step child as your own and they both get to spend time with their dad equally. If you get a baby sitter or family to help they look after both kids so you can have a date night or whatever with your partner.

I'm not seeing a sixth way here. And options 1-4 aren't really good for the kids so if it were me, I'd go option 5. But that means you need some therapy to figure out why you feel resentment, what it really is you don't like and how you can get around it, otherwise option 4 maybe the only one and that will be detrimental to your child.

Have you spoken to your partner how you feel, how do you think he would take it?

Sorry for incorrect tags below I can't delete them!!

@Flipslop
@Flipslop

'I feel unbelievably resentful and I'm struggling to get through it'

You sound charming. Your DSD/S didn't enter your life, you entered theirs. You made that decision, obviously knowing full well your partner came as a package. I don't buy all this from SOME step parents that 'you don't know what it's like being a step parent until you're in that position'

You SHOULD expect there's a chance you will end up living with your partner's DC's. You should also expect that your partner's children should always be their priority above you.
Yet too many people think they can ensure that they become number one in their partners lifem until they realise that they will never be above his/her children.

That's when the resentment starts setting in imo.