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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DH says he won’t live with my adult sons

141 replies

LizzieFizzy · 02/01/2025 12:48

I have 2 sons, currently 18 and 21 yrs old. Eldest away at uni most of the time except for holidays, youngest at college, lives mainly with me but also spends time at his dads.
My DH has 2 children, son aged 20 who lives with his mum (and will be doing for the foreseeable future) and a 9 yr old daughter who is with us 3 nights per week.
My eldest will be finishing uni and potentially coming home in the next year or so. I have no idea if he’ll want to move back home with me, but if he needs to then this is his home so he can. Same for my youngest who also intends to go to uni.
DH says he does not want to live with my adult sons. It’s not what he signed up for.
We’ve been together for 8 years and it’s not arisen as a conversation as I honestly didn’t think he’d have this opinion.
I’m going to leave as I think he is totally unreasonable. His son lives with his mum, why shouldn’t mine live with me??! Also, living with their father is not an option.
I’m right aren’t I? I should go? He has been very unpleasant about the whole thing and I’m just so upset.

OP posts:
Dozycuntlaters · 02/01/2025 12:50

Yes, you do need to leave him. He is being massively unfair, it's not like your son is 45, he's still a young man and where the hell else is he going to go and more to the point why should he. I couldn't be with anyone who viewed my son like this, so even if he changed his mind, I think I would be done anyway.

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 02/01/2025 12:50

I would always choose my children first and would leave too.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/01/2025 12:52

Of course you are right, what exactly is his problem anyway, does his son live with his mother because he refuses to have him live with you because of the same reasons? Insecure about living with young adult males is he?
Sounds pathetic.

AmberOrca · 02/01/2025 12:52

Totally normal to expect young adults to come home for at least a short while after university. I’m surprised your husband wasn’t expecting this.

mikado1 · 02/01/2025 12:52

You're right. Are you both living in your home and how long since he moved in? You're together a long time. Did he ever live with them? Does he not see his son at all? Sorry for all the questions.
If you want to break up, do so or otherwise you could say 'This is their home so they may move back in and will be welcome to. It will you to you then where you want to go.' I say this only because surely be can't mean it and will see how silly he's being.

WellsAndThistles · 02/01/2025 12:54

I wouldn't want either of my adult SS's living with me to be honest. (I've only known them as adults though, I wasn't their step-mum when they were kids).

I wouldn't ever refuse my DS moving back in with me but would expect it to be temporary with him having plans to move back out again.

Headstarttohappiness · 02/01/2025 12:56

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I’m a step parent and I’ve always known that this means that my step son would have a home with us if he needs/wants it. He did in 17 yr old crisis and it deepened our relationship and I am grateful for that to this day. It’s such a shame that your partner cannot be open to that.
We have 17 & 19 year old sons and this would be a relationship ender for me too. Love and strength to you in this difficult time.

CatherinedeBourgh · 02/01/2025 12:58

But surely he has lived with them already?

I would say that the same rule goes for all dc - if your dc can't stay at yours, neither can either of his.

I'd rather share a house with an 18 or 21 yo than with a 9yo tbh. I bet he expects you to do childcare too.

babbi · 02/01/2025 12:58

I’m a step parent of 27 years ( split with their father- just for context though )

Your husband is ridiculous if he says that’s not what he signed up for .
You take on responsibilities and should care throughout their lives for many reasons not just providing housing etc . But also give advice support etc as they navigate their adult lives .

Both my step children moved back in with partners ( once with a new baby ! ) in order they could save a deposit for a house .

Under no circumstances would I refuse to help them where it was reasonable and appropriate.

I’m with the others .. your DH is out of order and I’d be telling him your sins are coming home and he better welcome them either way no attitude or he is welcome ( required ) to leave .

Original poster
LizzieFizzy · 02/01/2025 12:59

Thank you for your replies. It feels better to hear someone else speak sense.
We’ve all lived together since the end of 2018 and at first his son lived with us, but moved to his mums at 16 as he didn’t like the boundaries at our house. DH still sees him yes.
But my husband is incredibly selfish, wants everything his own way. His attitude towards my sons has gotten worse as they’ve got older. And I think he is threatened. Pathetic.

OP posts:
Showerflowers · 02/01/2025 12:59

I'd be fuming at my dh if he said this. My dd is living at home and she's early twenties. She's saving as obviously she would like her own place but Rents are crazy right now anyway so how is your dh expecting your sons to get a place!.

lunar1 · 02/01/2025 12:59

Well that would be him in the bin for me. While ever I'm living they have a home with me if they need it.

Meadowfinch · 02/01/2025 13:00

Yes, you are right.

Your sons will probably need somewhere to live and your dh is being unreasonable. I can't believe it didn't come up before you married.

Surely your DH knows them well by now if you've been together for 8 years. He is being absurd.

OriginalUsername2 · 02/01/2025 13:00

The post uni year is crucial. He needs support to launch. Your DP isn’t man enough to cope with another young man in the house for a while. Sad.

babbi · 02/01/2025 13:00

Apologies … yours sons are coming home .. not sins 🤦‍♀️

Mrsbloggz · 02/01/2025 13:01

He regards your home as his territory in which he is the alpha, he doesn't want two other adult males challenging his dominance.
This is basic animal behaviour, although in the animal world there would be a fight to the death between the three males.

struggling24 · 02/01/2025 13:01

I'm reading this with interest as I'm facing a similar situation- but the other way round- as I don't want to live with DPs adult son either.

I fear this is the hidden horror of step parenting- as the housing crisis means it's very unlikely that kids can actually move out nowadays.

Leaving because he's said it sounds a bit extreme- can he not leave if he's the one with the problem?

The fact that you're married and have been together for so long makes it very sound like potentially something you could work through.

Although I guess the fact that he's been unpleasant about it is not good.

You definitely need to put your son first, how did your dh get on with your son before he left for Uni?

Reugny · 02/01/2025 13:03

I'm sorry this is happened to you.

I remember an older friend saying to me that she made it clear to her DH from the beginning that her children would always have the option of living with her whatever their age, as her own stepmother pushed some of her adult siblings out of their home. (My friend had emigrated as a teen.)

Anyway it was my friend not her DH who then found out she couldn't cope with her adult son's living at home. Her DH had already learnt to ignore lots of her sons poor behaviour as teenagers.

My own DP made it clear and I checked at the beginning that his DC would live with him as an adult if needed. To be fair I come from a family where as a kid it was normal for younger adult relatives to stay with us or others relatives, so if he hadn't said that I would have dumped him.

HoppingPavlova · 02/01/2025 13:03

I could never find someone attractive after that.

LatteLady · 02/01/2025 13:05

Hi OP, the sense of yr DH feeling threatened really resonates as my father could not cope when we grew up... and we were his own children. There is the aspect of control and them realising that they are no longer young and the leader of the herd.

I am so sorry that this happening to you and hope that you find a solution for you and your boys.

BilboBlaggin · 02/01/2025 13:06

Absolutely you're right. You can't just kick your DS out like that.

Is it a joint property, or does it belong to one or other of you ? Don't you be the one leaving if he's moved in to your home. Give him his marching orders. What a horrible man.

Ladybyrd · 02/01/2025 13:06

DH is an arse. I thought it was quite an old fashioned (and even in the old days, pretty awful) mentality that at 18 you're out of the door and that's that. It sounds like he's testing your resolve. I'd ask him if he'd like me to help him pack.

Mrsbloggz · 02/01/2025 13:09

However much this man is in the wrong you still have a big problem on your hands OP. If he feels threatened and unable to tolerate the situation his behaviour will deteriorate and it will be awful for everyone.
I think most blended families don't really blend all that well and you might have come to the end of the road with this one.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/01/2025 13:09

Yes, you are totally correct. He is being beyond unreasonable and I’m glad you’re prepared to put your kids first.

godmum56 · 02/01/2025 13:10

LizzieFizzy · 02/01/2025 12:48

I have 2 sons, currently 18 and 21 yrs old. Eldest away at uni most of the time except for holidays, youngest at college, lives mainly with me but also spends time at his dads.
My DH has 2 children, son aged 20 who lives with his mum (and will be doing for the foreseeable future) and a 9 yr old daughter who is with us 3 nights per week.
My eldest will be finishing uni and potentially coming home in the next year or so. I have no idea if he’ll want to move back home with me, but if he needs to then this is his home so he can. Same for my youngest who also intends to go to uni.
DH says he does not want to live with my adult sons. It’s not what he signed up for.
We’ve been together for 8 years and it’s not arisen as a conversation as I honestly didn’t think he’d have this opinion.
I’m going to leave as I think he is totally unreasonable. His son lives with his mum, why shouldn’t mine live with me??! Also, living with their father is not an option.
I’m right aren’t I? I should go? He has been very unpleasant about the whole thing and I’m just so upset.

surely if its your home, HE should be the one leaving? If its his home then he is entitled to say that he doesn't want your sons there? But yes in those corcs you leave.