DH says he won’t live with my adult sons

[LizzieFizzy]

I have 2 sons, currently 18 and 21 yrs old. Eldest away at uni most of the time except for holidays, youngest at college, lives mainly with me but also spends time at his dads.
My DH has 2 children, son aged 20 who lives with his mum (and will be doing for the foreseeable future) and a 9 yr old daughter who is with us 3 nights per week.
My eldest will be finishing uni and potentially coming home in the next year or so. I have no idea if he’ll want to move back home with me, but if he needs to then this is his home so he can. Same for my youngest who also intends to go to uni.
DH says he does not want to live with my adult sons. It’s not what he signed up for.
We’ve been together for 8 years and it’s not arisen as a conversation as I honestly didn’t think he’d have this opinion.
I’m going to leave as I think he is totally unreasonable. His son lives with his mum, why shouldn’t mine live with me??! Also, living with their father is not an option.
I’m right aren’t I? I should go? He has been very unpleasant about the whole thing and I’m just so upset.

I don’t understand how this has never come up in conversation?!

He is a dick

I don’t think you’re going to get the love back for this man. I also suspect that you’re doing all the care of the little girl when she’s there - as he’s not fucking capable.

Then perhaps he should have thought about that before entering into a financial and emotional contract with someone with male children.

I agree it's his attitude which is the problem and even if he backed down over this you would still have that controlling, selfish attitude and incompatible family values.

You had children when he married you so of course it’s what he signed up for. Unless they’re really, really unpleasant, it’s incredibly harsh to tell an 18 (even 21 year old, I think) to leave their home. Will he expect his daughter to be out on her own in 9 years? I very much doubt it.

If I were given such an ultimatum, it would be my sons every time.

Both of you are right: children come first.

If I was the mother of the girl, I wouldn’t be happy with her living with two young men tbh. Both of you are protecting your offspring and that’s an inconvenience to your relationship, but well done!

If my children were 50 years old, they'd still come first in this scenario

The husband goes

Why the fuck did you marry someone who has this kind of attitude to your offspring? It's been the case for decades that children generally need support and accommodation from their parents until at least mid-20s - sometimes even to 30s.

Of course he doesn't have to live with anyone he doesn't want to - let him know he is quite welcome to fuck off.

Forgive me if I have this wrong, but your wording of how you live & mortgage gives the impression that you're being very careful with how you're describing things.
Whilst you share a mortgage, was that from 2018 in a brand new (to you both) home with no connection or contribution (other than an equitable split) from either beforehand?
If you've been together 8 years, but your eldest only in Uni now, then this must've been a consideration beforehand for your partner. Back then, and indeed in 2018, Uni wouldn't have been guaranteed for your kids, so you came as a family that he'd blend into. I'd be asking myself what's changed.

He should absolutely leave, for himself though.
Didn't fully think through marrying someone with children. His problem.

If it came down to it, I’d choose my dc over my dp who is their father. So a bloke who isn’t even related to them wouldn’t stand a chance. Get rid.

This man feels threatened by his wife's grown up sons. It's weird. Also no parent would want to chuck their grown up kids out, because wtf are they supposed to go?

What a very strange man. You didn't know him at all, OP.

We have always provided a base for our two, including Uni and military. They are always ours. Involvement tapers away but never stops entirely.

We bought a house together in 2018, 50/50 put into the deposit and we pay 50/50 on the mortgage. We bought a house with 5 bedrooms so each child would have their own room. We do intend to downsize in the next couple of years, and this is something my sons are aware of. But even with a smaller home I would still want my son to live with me post university, if that’s what he wanted/needed. Not forever, but I doubt he would want that himself.
And I find the comments about my sons living with his young daughter very odd. It’s not like they hardly know each other, they’re her step-brothers! What a strange point of view.

My children are my children whether they are 4 or 40. If they were in need of a place to stay I would always welcome them while they sorted themselves out.

When I married DH I told him that me and my DC came as a package deal. My elder DS lived at home with us until he was 33 until and he had saved a reasonable deposit and younger DS until he was 26 and saved his deposit. Both are welcome into my home at any time. My DH is fine with this. He helped me bring my youngest up from 8 years old. He has a good relationship with both my boys and I'd not stay if he'd ever said anything about any of them leaving. You are their Mum. Where ever you live they should be made to feel welcome. You are doing the right thing to leave if they are made to feel unwelcome. You are a Mum forever.

If a woman posted that she didn't want to live with her adult SSs everyone would be supporting her and agreeing that she shouldn't be expected to share her house with unrelated adults.

I would always put my children first. Your son needs the option of come home even if just for a small amount of time and you need to be able to welcome him without fear or guilt.

Your DH sounds inflexible and nasty. He’s known your sons for at least 8 years and yet doesn’t have a caring relationship with them? How odd.

You might find starting again alone is actually peaceful and a relief tbh. And you will have your sons for the first bit of time whilst you get used to things which will be lovely.

No they wouldn’t. There was a similar reverse a while back and because the son was post uni and still only 21 and had lived with the OP and her DH before he went off to uni she was roundly told it was his home too and to support her DH.

mumsnet is neatly always united in thinking a parent should put her kids above a partner/intimate relationship.

But he did sign up for this. It's exactly what he signed up for. He knew your sons would grow into men and likely stay with you a few years, or is he kicking all his kids out at 18?
I think you're right, he's threatened by them. Probably worried they are decent young men who will show him up for the dickhead he is. At least you're in a decent financial situation. I would ask him to leave though until you can sell, why should you go?

Oh good glad it's 50/50 is there equity to get your own place. Do you think your DH believes you'll cave in and not have them move back? Has he talked about his reasons?

I understand not wanting an adult child I'd say 30s living with you, but this is a young man just out of uni finding his feet. Very different.

I wouldn't. You join households with someone with children then you should fully expect those children will be there into adulthood as is the norm these days.

No, not everyone. Not even close, I'd say.

They're not unrelated; they are his stepsons.

General consensus on here is usually that if you marry someone with children, you should expect that you may have the children with you full-time with no notice indefinitely. I've seen women slated plenty for asking about moving abroad/away while their children are in college and/or moving into a new house with a partner and not ensuring there are enough rooms for all of the various offspring. Of course, if there are issues like the "children" being abusive or significantly disrupting the household or endangering household members, other suggestions are made.

In this case, the husband was in a relationship with the OP since the kiddies were 10 and 13 (and the younger one's still in college and has never left home) so his claim that he never expected to live with them seems a little strange.