Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

DH says he won’t live with my adult sons

141 replies

LizzieFizzy · 02/01/2025 12:48

I have 2 sons, currently 18 and 21 yrs old. Eldest away at uni most of the time except for holidays, youngest at college, lives mainly with me but also spends time at his dads.
My DH has 2 children, son aged 20 who lives with his mum (and will be doing for the foreseeable future) and a 9 yr old daughter who is with us 3 nights per week.
My eldest will be finishing uni and potentially coming home in the next year or so. I have no idea if he’ll want to move back home with me, but if he needs to then this is his home so he can. Same for my youngest who also intends to go to uni.
DH says he does not want to live with my adult sons. It’s not what he signed up for.
We’ve been together for 8 years and it’s not arisen as a conversation as I honestly didn’t think he’d have this opinion.
I’m going to leave as I think he is totally unreasonable. His son lives with his mum, why shouldn’t mine live with me??! Also, living with their father is not an option.
I’m right aren’t I? I should go? He has been very unpleasant about the whole thing and I’m just so upset.

OP posts:
Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 02/01/2025 13:10

Your dh is a dick.

I am not with my dsc's dad anymore but when their mum and her bf split up before Xmas and their dad wasn't sure he could house them both (19 & 21) as he was in process of doing work on his house. I straight away told them I had room for 1 of them with me. My DH is a wonderful man and had absolutely no issues at all with it.

I couldn't remain married to him in your shoes @LizzieFizzy

LlynTegid · 02/01/2025 13:10

When you met he will have known that you had children (and vice-versa) and that in time they will become adults.

Onlyvisiting · 02/01/2025 13:12

Yes, you should prioritise your children. Your children can't sensibly do university without family support and a place to stay.
It would be a bit different if he said he wanted to discuss what would happen if your oldest wants to move back after uni and what rules/boundaries as living with an adult is different than teens, and I can see why he might want to heavily encourage a time limit eg 25. But his attitude as it is stinks. And honestly- if this is how he views them now, can you honestly say hes been a good stepfather to them for their teens?

Imisscoffee2021 · 02/01/2025 13:12

My husbands step dad, who had been part of raising him since aged 10 I think, and who loves him etc, said no to him moving back after uni when he asked if he could. He had done an arts course and didn't need to work during uni due to a good bursary and frugal lifestyle so he had no work experience and couldn't get a job for nearly a year excepting seasonal retail work. He ended up signing on to be able to cover the private rent in the house share he was in, just, and had such an awful year for his self esteem, got so cold he had chilblains as couldn't afford to have the heating on etc. He's never quite forgotten it and I found it bizarre when I met him (til I met his stepdad!) that someone can just be told no to coming home again. His childhood home no longer feels like home, there's been a definite shift where you can tell his stepdad has been looking forward to having the place just for him and his wife (husbands mum).

I'd understand if they were never going to leave, if they didn't chip in etc but if its just a hard no that feels mad, especially when your husband has known your kids so long. To me, it's not negotiable, it's still their home and they should feel they can return. Where else is the safety net if not? I'm 36 and still know if anything ever happened I'd be able to come home (not that I'd want to but I know the offer would be there 😅).

Gem359 · 02/01/2025 13:13

Move your son back in and let your DH leave if he doesn't like it. Why should you leave?

Original poster
LizzieFizzy · 02/01/2025 13:15

We have a joint mortgage on the house. We’d have to sell it for either of us to move on, which will be a financial hit given the term of mortgage.
I have done nothing but compromise to make our situation work and I’ve come to the end. I’m so sad as I loved him and the thought of starting again on my own is so incredibly daunting but I really have no other choice. His attitude just disgusts me.

OP posts:
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 02/01/2025 13:18

My dad literally moved into his then girlfriend's house the day I went to university. This was about 10 miles from where I lived but I didn't drive and public transport was terrible so seeing friends in my home town was difficult. I never felt welcome and though I did stay there for a year after graduating it was awkward and uncomfortable. My now stepmother never had children of her own so didn't really understand our family dynamic.

Not quite sure where I'm going with this tale but please don't let your husband make your children feel like I did.

ArchMemory · 02/01/2025 13:19

LizzieFizzy · 02/01/2025 13:15

We have a joint mortgage on the house. We’d have to sell it for either of us to move on, which will be a financial hit given the term of mortgage.
I have done nothing but compromise to make our situation work and I’ve come to the end. I’m so sad as I loved him and the thought of starting again on my own is so incredibly daunting but I really have no other choice. His attitude just disgusts me.

It sounds like you know what you need to do. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this but faced with this choice of your partner’s creation I think you’re 100% making the right one.

PureBoggin · 02/01/2025 13:24

Who do you want to still be in your life in 10/20 years. Your sons (and potentially grandchildren) but no husband or your husband but no sons (and potentially grandchildren). I know what I'd choose. Think you are making the right choice.

orangewasp · 02/01/2025 13:25

Yes, you're right. He's not the boss of the household.
Don't be daunted about starting out on your own OP, I'm in my 50s and single and running my own life without compromise is fantastic!

DeliciousApples · 02/01/2025 13:26

What a manchild your DH is. Selfish ass.

I'd be asking him what he plans to do when the youngest girl turns 18, just never let her stay over again? But her some cases and tell her you'll phone a taxi once she's packed?

ALL your joint/children by other parents should be taken in by you if they want to stay with their parent.

Parents should always provide a home for their children. Although when they are in their late 20s or 30s I'd suggest more of a temporary home when they split up with a partner and are kicked out or between rentals themselves. Nobody's kid should be left out in the cold so to speak.

Find out what the problem is.
Is there not enough room, would an outside man cave/games room be worth considering. Is it the older kids leave mess or mean extra chores or lifts here and there or what? Is it sharing the remote control, so would an extra tv in another room help?

Camper van up the driveway?
Some other solution?

Maybe he just isn't good at imagining how others feel and has no empathy. Maybe he needs it explained that, as you said, you're the mum who generally has custody so it's your responsibility to provide shelter for your child. Maybe it's the though if long term that's the problem. Nobody wants a grown child under foot, coming in at all hours, noisy friends etc. Perhaps you can discuss plans and assure him it's just til he gets a job and flat if his own.

There has to be a solution. You shouldn't have to split over this.

Flughafenkoenigin · 02/01/2025 13:28

He is being completely unreasonable. If I was made to choose between my dc and my partner, without any doubt I would choose my dc.

Sorry that he is putting you in this position.

nodramaplz · 02/01/2025 13:31

H e's made the choice then.
Ask him when he's leaving !

Is there a back story?

Crazybaby123 · 02/01/2025 13:32

Agree you are going to have to leave. How did it get 8 years into a relationship and then he springs this on you. If he had strong opinions on this then he should have said before so you could have thrown him out then

BrightSnail · 02/01/2025 13:33

Yes, you must leave. My mother chose a man over me when I was a teenager. Believe me, once you've done that it cannot ever be fully mended. If you don't take this stand your son(s) will never fully trust you again, and rightly so. I'm sorry your husband has turned out to be a waster. You sound like a good person and a good mum, and deserve a partner equal to that.

PermanentTemporary · 02/01/2025 13:34

I think there are ways to say this and think about it. I personally would say that after leaving full time education, my ds living with me is always a conversation with a plan, rather than an absolute expectation. So him returning to live inexpensively while doing further training or a low paid job/business with potential, for example, or to move back in because his landlord is selling his house. I would expect him to ask me about it and for there to be at least some sort of end date.

BUT in the end, the ultimate answer is that if he needs to live in my house, he can. I would expect my dp to raise it with me if he has an issue with it, but he doesn't get an all-time veto on this one. Ultimately if he doesn't like that, my responsibility to my ds at least while he's a young adult, trumps my commitment to my currently healthy dp.

So I'm not as absolute as some on here, BT the outcome tbh is the same, especially if your p has been chippy about it.

Winterskyfall · 02/01/2025 13:35

Of course you are right. Not sure why he thinks the decision is his. I wouldn't be keeping quiet, what he said is a big problem whether your son needs to live with you or not, he thinks he is boss. If your son was 25 and working he may have a point, but your son may well need a place to live when he finishes university.

nodramaplz · 02/01/2025 13:36

If he loved you he would accept them.
The fact that he said that is totally insulting and offensive!
I wouldn't think he even respects you.

I'm not one of these "Leave him" mumsnetters but this isn't right.

stayathomer · 02/01/2025 13:36

‘Not what he signed up for’ seems like a surreal opinion- he met someone with children!!!

MumblesParty · 02/01/2025 13:36

I’ve been with DP for nearly 9 years. I have teens, his kids are adults with their own homes. We’ve agreed that we won’t live together till my kids have fully moved out. I know you can’t turn the clock back, but if you still love him and he has other redeeming features, could you simply live separately but continue the relationship? Of course if this is just one of many selfish features then you’d be better off without him.

labamba007 · 02/01/2025 13:37

What's the house situation like, OP do you both own it together?

Ygfrhj · 02/01/2025 13:40

Maybe he doesn't want two unrelated adult men in a house his young daughter also lives in?

OriginalUsername2 · 02/01/2025 13:42

Ygfrhj · 02/01/2025 13:40

Maybe he doesn't want two unrelated adult men in a house his young daughter also lives in?

They’ve been together 8 years. What a weird comment.

loopyloo52 · 02/01/2025 13:44

My son has SEN and is unlikely to ever live independently. If I eventually meet someone and they have an issue with him living with me it would be a deal breaker for sure. My son will always come first.

VictoriaEra · 02/01/2025 13:44

Always put your children first. Well done, OP. Sorry you're going through this.