DH says he won’t live with my adult sons

[LizzieFizzy]

I have 2 sons, currently 18 and 21 yrs old. Eldest away at uni most of the time except for holidays, youngest at college, lives mainly with me but also spends time at his dads.
My DH has 2 children, son aged 20 who lives with his mum (and will be doing for the foreseeable future) and a 9 yr old daughter who is with us 3 nights per week.
My eldest will be finishing uni and potentially coming home in the next year or so. I have no idea if he’ll want to move back home with me, but if he needs to then this is his home so he can. Same for my youngest who also intends to go to uni.
DH says he does not want to live with my adult sons. It’s not what he signed up for.
We’ve been together for 8 years and it’s not arisen as a conversation as I honestly didn’t think he’d have this opinion.
I’m going to leave as I think he is totally unreasonable. His son lives with his mum, why shouldn’t mine live with me??! Also, living with their father is not an option.
I’m right aren’t I? I should go? He has been very unpleasant about the whole thing and I’m just so upset.

So sorry it has come to this, but I feel you are right to end things. Everyone I know expects their kids to live at home for at least a few years after uni, saving for deposits and adjusting to first jobs etc. He is being unreasonable.

Ours bounced back and forth. One worked abroad for six years. Came home set up his own business from scratch, met someone fell in love. We had both of them here for a while . They renovated a place locally. Finally set up home in their thirties. Youngest still bouncing back and forth doing his masters and living with his partner. They fledge when ready.

He sounds awful. This would end the marriage if it were mine.

Totally bin him off and prioritise your sons. How would he like it if you said his 9yo couldn’t stay anymore. Of course your 18yo needs to be able to come home. It’s not like he’s 30!

Why not see if making it for a set time would make him feel better or explore exactly what his hesitation is? Is your son unpleasant? Messy? This could really go either way.

I don’t think my son’s unpleasant, maybe a bit messy! But we’ve never really ‘blended’, whatever that’s supposed to look like. I accepted that my life was bound by his contact arrangements for his daughter, even now when I’m not in the same position. He’s just a selfish man child.
I just wish I could up and leave today but unfortunately life is not that simple is it.

But he already is living with them?

He considers that my eldest has moved out to go to university. Obviously this is not the case, and tbh I think he just says these things to be difficult and make it sound as though I’m the one being unreasonable.

I agree your children come before any man.

However I might position this one slightly differently. Rather than ‘I’m leaving’, the conversation would be more around - I’m not kicking my son out of his home. Uni was always a temporary measure - an x year course. If you are asking me to kick out my son, then you are asking me to chose between you and my son. And I will always chose my son as I would expect you to chose your children. So if this is the end for us, then you’re welcome to leave’.

I would honestly put it all back on him.

I think you may be right. There was a thread yesterday by a woman who was fed up with her husband’s 6 year old daughter, and didn’t want to have to play with her, take her to the park etc. A reasonable number of people said it’s tough, this is what you sign up for when you live with someone who has a child. But plenty of people said “I don’t blame you, why should you have to get involved with his child? He clearly only wants you around so you could do the parenting for him because he’s a lazy arse who just wants a servant”!! Basically saying the woman had every right to object to any involvement in the young child. I know it’s a different situation, but same general principle and dilemma of step parenting.

I mean would he refuse his dd to stay overnight once she hits 18yo? Would he expect his ex wife to do the same? Even with your 21yo does he not realise that people don’t finish uni on the Friday and walk into a job on the Monday with enough money for a rental deposit?

my dd is 24yo and earns 21k. I don’t think she could afford to live away from home.

OP you could also ask him at what age his 9 year old daughter will stop visiting for 3 nights per week. Does the child’s right to stay in the parental home end at 18?

‘his son lived with us, but moved to his mums at 16 as he didn’t like the boundaries at our house.’

So his son has already been driven away by your kids but you think he’s being unreasonable…

It all sounds like you've done lots of the compromise & he's been content to let that happen until he thinks he can exert control.
What he doesn't seem to understand is that merely what his view is isn't the defining view.
I'd feel very resentful.

You have a 5 bed home. With children who occupy that, irrespective if they are temporarily away for education. What his preferences are are interesting & will be considered & respected, but they don't conclude the topic. Your kids are residents & their preferences are to be considered too. Yours even more so.
What does he follow up with when you challenge his 'I thought they'd moved out'?

@ManHereSorry it's not clear who set the 'boundaries'. It could have been their father. He sounds like his views are what counts in the house.

I think he's intimidate by another man coming into his environment.

Your child should be welcome in your home. We're talking about a 21 year old starting out in life not a man in his 50s.

My brother (almost 50) asked to move in with our parents and my mum laughed and told him unless he was seriously unwell and needed minding it wasn't going to happen.

I'd ditch the husband and provide a home for your kids if they need one. Although, be mindful that they have their own lives. They might not have any intentions of moving back in with you and the decision will impact you mostly. Your H sounds like a prick so it might be for the best regardless.

Why do you think not liking boundaries equals a problem with ops sons and her husbands moving out?
As far as I'm aware house hold boundires/rules are implemented by the parents of the household so why are you passing blame onto ops children instead of his own father?

My DH’s mum wouldn’t let him come home from university as she was fairly newly remarried. He moved into a house share with every possession he owned as she wanted it all gone.

He’s nearly 50 now and has never got over the feeling of abandonment. Spends max. 3 days a year with her.

She has no idea why their relationship is so poor.

Please choose your sons over the pathetic cock you married.

How have you come to the conclusion it's because of OP's kids?? She literally said due to boundaries he didn't like.

Not remotely the same at all, one is a woman who is happy to house a stepdaughter but wants the parental responsibility of day to day life to be taken up by her actual parent and the other is a man that went in to buying a 5 bedroom house so there was room for all the children from both sides but now has rescinded this offer of housing for no apparent reason.

Yes you are right. I couldn't live with someone who wouldn't welcome my children. As far as I'm concerned my home will always be their home if that's what they want or need

Does he treat you well OP? Is it perhaps that he doesn’t and therefore doesn’t want your sons around to see and challenge his behaviour towards you, their mum?

Freudian slip?

As your DS’s age, they will no longer feel intimidated by him. They’ll have their own jobs, money and be his size.

Your DH knows that a grown man will be able to see him for what he is, a grade A twat, and stand up to him. He treats you badly and is worried they’ll stand up for you.

Whether your DS’s come back to live or not - ditch the dickhead.

This isn't ok. Not at all. You have a five bedroom house. You specifically bought a 5 bed for your 4 children to 'fit'. So its not like there was any ambiguity there. If your SS decided he could 'put up with the boundaries' and wanted to move back in - would your husband refuse him as well? Because he already 'moved out'?
(Actually, it sounds like he would)
Anyone with half a brain knows that just because a child has gone to university, it doesn't mean they are necessarily gone for good, not in todays market. Young people just can't afford it. What exactly did he think was going to happen?

I'm so sorry OP that this is the way its panned out. I have two sons and I foresee the eldest (nearly 18) being with me for many years. (the youngest will be off like a shot!) They will always be my priority as yours are your priority. I would start working on your exit strategy.