DH says he won’t live with my adult sons

[LizzieFizzy]

I have 2 sons, currently 18 and 21 yrs old. Eldest away at uni most of the time except for holidays, youngest at college, lives mainly with me but also spends time at his dads.
My DH has 2 children, son aged 20 who lives with his mum (and will be doing for the foreseeable future) and a 9 yr old daughter who is with us 3 nights per week.
My eldest will be finishing uni and potentially coming home in the next year or so. I have no idea if he’ll want to move back home with me, but if he needs to then this is his home so he can. Same for my youngest who also intends to go to uni.
DH says he does not want to live with my adult sons. It’s not what he signed up for.
We’ve been together for 8 years and it’s not arisen as a conversation as I honestly didn’t think he’d have this opinion.
I’m going to leave as I think he is totally unreasonable. His son lives with his mum, why shouldn’t mine live with me??! Also, living with their father is not an option.
I’m right aren’t I? I should go? He has been very unpleasant about the whole thing and I’m just so upset.

Just an hour or so ago I was talking to my teenage ds about how he will always have our home to fall back on. He can go out and explore the world knowing that our home is always going to be a safety net. I wouldn't entertain anyone who would stop me being able to give that to my kids. I didn't have that and it was terrifying from the age of 17 knowing that I was all alone and it caused me to make some really dodgy decisions out of fear. It sounds like you know what you have to do.

It’s better to start again than alienate your DS’s and any future wives and DGC.

If he’s unwelcoming to your DC and doesn’t let them back if they need to, they’ll stay away and you’ll lose your relationship with them. I know this because my own parent prioritised their spouse over me, when I needed help, and in their old age I have very little to do with them as I feel I owe them nothing.

You can find another partner who is loving and welcoming to all of you. If you stay with him, you’ll end up with estranged sons.

Start making plans to end it.

Coincidentally, my DH was remarking re another situation that some men seriously struggle with having young adult males living in their homes. They want to compete with their younger rivals, but fear that they will look stupid or be disrespected, or fail abysmally.

Your DH saying he didn't sign up for this is bizarre - what did he think would happen as the children got older?

OP, what do you do for his DC?
I’d stop right now if you are. Let him do it, don’t lift a finger.

@LizzieFizzy what @JustMyView13 said

Tell you you didn't sign up for his shitty selfish attitude and you're done.
Tell him the house will need to be sold and you'll be going your separate ways. Get the ball rolling; this will take time.

I'd be asking "D" H when he intends on packing his bags in that case. It would be an absolute dealbreaker for me that he could even think his attitude is remotely acceptable. What a fucking twat.

Not read many PPs but have you asked him why the 5 bed house if he did not want your children to stay? Also - why can his daughter stay but not your sons? Not logical at all.

What a horrible man. These are kids who have been a major part of his life since they were 10 and 13, and now he’s essentially chucking them out.

You are right to choose your kids over him. But I agree with the other posters saying to put this on him. It doesn’t have to be you who leaves.

Is there back story as to why his son left? Who put the “boundaries” in place? Were they reasonable, or was it another example of him trying to establish his dominance over another male in the house?

This is how I thought all loving families operated. My children always have a key and will always have a bed for as long as they need it, whether that's overnight or a year or more. The family home is a haven they can always come back to if they need it.

I wouldn’t bother arguing with him. He may try to backtrack once he realises you won’t be bullied, but you know what a selfish bastard he is now.

Far better to split up and have a nice home of your own where your DC are always welcome.

Yes this 100%. He's shown you who he is.

The worst thing is he’s been with you since your youngest was 10yo……you’d think that knowing him since that age there would be some sort of bond/love.

Just tell him it's not a discussion. If he wants to come back then he will come back and if your husband doesn't like it he can file for divorce. Don't you leave or initiate a separation let him do it.

THisbackwithavengeance · Yesterday 14:26
If a woman posted that she didn't want to live with her adult SSs everyone would be supporting her and agreeing that she shouldn't be expected to share her house with unrelated adults.

Absolute tosh. He’s been these barely adult young men’s step father since they were 10. Equally, why would a stepmother suddenly not want to share her (and her husband’s, 50/50? house with boys she’s brought up?
Are you suggesting that boys hit 18 and suddenly turn into monsters? Of course they don’t.

This.

Let him leave. How long is left on this morgage rate?
Divide the house, and separate within the house.
Half it is yours.
Do nothing, buy nothing, wash nothing.
Divide the rooms up and make a sitting room for yourself.
Get legal advice.
Any aggression at all towards you, call the police.
He doesn't get to decide who enters a house you co own.

Contact Women's aid for advice too.

Thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate it.
To get full clarity I decided to speak with my eldest son about how he sees his living arrangements might be in the future. As I thought, he has no set intentions of moving back home with me full time (which I’ve already told DH), but knows that in reality life isn’t always easy and he may need to even if it’s for a short time.
However, this does not change husband’s appalling attitude and I just can’t see a future with someone who is so inherently self-centred and uncaring towards his ‘wife’ and step-sons. I know I don’t need to rush into doing anything right now, but in the meantime I will be acting entirely in my own self interests, and he wants to leave then I will hold the door open for him!!

Have you told him that this is your position?

You never know if your sons will want or need to come back in the future and they should come first.
I think you probably need to leave him since he’s already living with you. The only other option is that he moves out into his own place. But he’s already upset you with his attitude on things.

There really isn't any alternative to calling a screeching halt to this.

Make it your New Year's resolution.

Take the hit. Consider it the price you need to pay for being able to look at yourself in the mirror.

Maybe the boys can chip in to help pay rent.

This.

And it's also worth considering that he probably could have let his daughter live with her mother and have weekend contact, but that would have cost him child support.

I’ve barely spoken to him since News Years Eve. I honestly can’t be bothered atm.
I’m sure he believes he’s been wronged, and he’s having to consider whether or not he could possibly bear tolerating a life where my adult sons may want or need to live in their own mother’s home.

Regardless of whether your son comes back or not, it’s his home & you’re his mum. It’s not the point about where he’s living in my opinion, the point is your home should always be available to your children should they need it.

There is no way you can remain in a relationship with him in my opinion, ask him to move out. Explain to him how you wouldn’t have ever married or bought a house with him had you known his feelings beforehand.

Good woman.
Do not engage.
Live your life as house shares, EVERYTHING completely seperate.

He's just another CF man who has over stepped and think he is the boss of the house.
Big mistake.

The key thing is avoid him completely.
Your marriage is over.
Going forward you will house share and divide the space up until it suits you to make a decision to sell.
Save money any way you can.
Get good advice.
Of course your son is welcome to visit your part of the house.

Expect him to back track when he realises your steel.

Do not entertain him.
He's scum who thought he could bully you.
Big mistake.

We are here for you.