Page 6 | DH says he won’t live with my adult sons

anyolddinosaur · 03/01/2025 19:05

Actually sounds like you are both being overdramatic.

It isnt easy to have other adults living in your home if they are unrelated to you and he's feeling outnumbered and undervalued. Yes he's being a fool but trying to tease out why he feels that way and how to minimise discomfort might help.

Your sons will need boundaries and you all need to discuss what they should be - contributing to household costs, their non monetary contribution to the household, how well kept their rooms should be, guests and overnight guests, bathroom use (how many do you have) are all potential problems.

To go straight to wanting to leave suggests you dont care for him and the marriage is already over.

destiel00 · 03/01/2025 19:20

What a pathetic excuse for a man

Original poster

LizzieFizzy · 03/01/2025 19:36

@anyolddinosaur
Thank you for your response. I
would probably say the same as you, and have done previously, but this is at the end of a long line of completely selfish behaviours whereby he thinks he can try to dictate how I live my life. He displays disdain for my sons at times, despite them having done nothing to deserve it (and I would be the first to say if they were out of line).
I’m done with walking on eggshells and I’m done with the disrespect.

OP posts:

sometimesmovingforwards · 03/01/2025 19:59

So just leave then <shrug>
Sounds like you, him and your adult sons will all be happier.
There’s no downside that I can see?

Original poster

LizzieFizzy · 03/01/2025 20:24

@sometimesmovingforwards
some things are easier said than done. I feel incredibly sad at the moment and need time to process everything and what I need to do next.

OP posts:

anyolddinosaur · 04/01/2025 16:52

You've described him as pathetic and selfish so the marriage is obviously over. Get the paperwork together, put the house on the market and start looking for somewhere smaller. You'll need to talk to your oldest son about how his job hunting is going so you know if you are looking for 2 beds or 3 beds, the eldest may be moving away for work. Or you can try saying my sons will come and live here if they wish to do so and if you dont like it you can move out and see how that goes.

Thursdaygirl · 10/01/2025 14:49

General consensus on here is usually that if you marry someone with children, you should expect that you may have the children with you full-time with no notice indefinitely.

I agree, but that would probably be a worst-case scenario for a lot of step-parents.

But I don't think you can expect a young person to 'leave home' as soon as they graduate - life just doesn't work like that any more. OP, I would carry on living your life as YOU wish, and I'd put money on your DH backing down if your sons come back home ...

Original poster

LizzieFizzy · 10/01/2025 19:32

@Thursdaygirl
Thank you so much for your reply, it actually sums up where I’m at right now. I do think he would back down when faced with the possibility of me leaving.
However, DP either needs to decide it’s not for him and we separate, or he winds his neck in and accepts that my sons coming home to live with us is a possibility and is ok with that. I will not settle for underlying resentment or intolerance.
This step-parent, blended family, remarriage is not for the faint hearted is it?!
xx

OP posts:

ParsnipPuree · 12/01/2025 21:10

It's a hard one. Dh lives with my adult kids but I wouldn't live with his. We've tried that and it was hell all round. They're welcome to stay whenever they like but on a permanent basis? No.

Unblending · 17/01/2025 17:46

I do not think the DH feeling threatened (even with cause) gives him the right to say his spouse cannot live with her child.

OP you are not unreasonable to be putting your child first, at any age. They need you when they need you.

My DP has a challenging older child who goes to a special school for kids with behaviour problems. He has a number of psychiatric conditions that sadly through no fault of his own can cause him to be aggressive. As he gets older this becomes more of a threat/concern.

My take on this is that it’s me who can’t live with DP, now or possibly ever. I would not feel safe living with his child but I can’t stand in the way of a parent meeting their child’s needs.

Unblending · 17/01/2025 17:47

LizzieFizzy · 10/01/2025 19:32

@Thursdaygirl
Thank you so much for your reply, it actually sums up where I’m at right now. I do think he would back down when faced with the possibility of me leaving.
However, DP either needs to decide it’s not for him and we separate, or he winds his neck in and accepts that my sons coming home to live with us is a possibility and is ok with that. I will not settle for underlying resentment or intolerance.
This step-parent, blended family, remarriage is not for the faint hearted is it?!
xx

The DH’s choice is does he live with you and your child or does he move out.

Unblending · 17/01/2025 17:49

ParsnipPuree · 12/01/2025 21:10

It's a hard one. Dh lives with my adult kids but I wouldn't live with his. We've tried that and it was hell all round. They're welcome to stay whenever they like but on a permanent basis? No.

May I ask how this choice was made? It’s kind of my fantasy but not sth I could enforce.

Did your DH not live with his kids when they were kids? I’d understand your approach if so. We stayed with my dad EOW as kids and so I never expected to live with him and my stepmom as an adult. It wasn’t my home.

ParsnipPuree · 17/01/2025 18:55

Unblending

After the horrific experience of all trying to live together I don't think any of us would want to repeat that. They wouldn't want to live with me, nor me them. Dh wasn't able to give them any boundaries and it ended in one of them almost killing our dog.

My adult kids live with us at the moment and they adore dh. I think dh now regrets trying to force a blended family all those years ago.

Greyish2025 · 17/01/2025 19:19

LizzieFizzy · 02/01/2025 12:48

I have 2 sons, currently 18 and 21 yrs old. Eldest away at uni most of the time except for holidays, youngest at college, lives mainly with me but also spends time at his dads.
My DH has 2 children, son aged 20 who lives with his mum (and will be doing for the foreseeable future) and a 9 yr old daughter who is with us 3 nights per week.
My eldest will be finishing uni and potentially coming home in the next year or so. I have no idea if he’ll want to move back home with me, but if he needs to then this is his home so he can. Same for my youngest who also intends to go to uni.
DH says he does not want to live with my adult sons. It’s not what he signed up for.
We’ve been together for 8 years and it’s not arisen as a conversation as I honestly didn’t think he’d have this opinion.
I’m going to leave as I think he is totally unreasonable. His son lives with his mum, why shouldn’t mine live with me??! Also, living with their father is not an option.
I’m right aren’t I? I should go? He has been very unpleasant about the whole thing and I’m just so upset.

Aside from the issue with your son moving back it sounds to me like you no longer love your husband anyway? Is that the case

Or would your potential separation be because of this reason alone?

Unblending · 17/01/2025 20:14

ParsnipPuree · 17/01/2025 18:55

Unblending

After the horrific experience of all trying to live together I don't think any of us would want to repeat that. They wouldn't want to live with me, nor me them. Dh wasn't able to give them any boundaries and it ended in one of them almost killing our dog.

My adult kids live with us at the moment and they adore dh. I think dh now regrets trying to force a blended family all those years ago.

Oh gosh! So how did DH end up living with you? Did his kids go back to their mum? Are they still trying to murder animals? 😂

ParsnipPuree · 17/01/2025 20:58

Unblending

😂In the end they went back to their mum so she had the pleasure.. they were teens at the time and horrific. Mine were also no angels but I wasn't afraid of saying no to them, whereas dh just wasn't capable of saying no to his whatever they did. Not sure how I stayed married!

They now all are adults and have partners and believe it or not we are taking all our joint 5 and their partners away next week. I'm not allowed to mention animals!!!