Dsd(8) coming into bedroom 3am to use en suite

[Darlingstepmother]

I need some advice on how to approach something. I bought a house with my partner so he could be close to his daughter (8) who we have twice a week..we moved to a really expensive area and I had to change jobs to make it work and we each paid 50/50. We have her two nights a week. It's a small four bed town house. Dsd has the largest room which is on the first floor and our room is also on the first floor with an en suite. On the 2nd floor we have a guest room and my partners office/football memorabilia room/TV room with beer fridge which shares a family bathroom which is only used when we have guests (neither of our family are from round here, mine are 200 miles away so this is quite important to have a space for guests). I have a small dressing table in the guest room as I need to get up earlier for work than my partner so that's where I get ready in the light so I don't disturb him. I'm struggling to have my own personal space in this house and I'm not sure what is reasonable to expect. The en suite is really the 'family bathroom' as that's where dsd brushes her teeth and goes to the loo before bed and through the night. My partner still co sleeps with his daughter in her room (she has a double bed) and I tend to retreat earlier in the evening when she is round as she tends to be watching cartoons in the living room. I tend to go up and read/meditate before bed to relax but find it quite disruptive having my partner and he daughter continually coming in through the eve and night to brush their teeth and go to the loo. Last night she came in at 3am and the en suite door is right next to the bed so the light is very bright. We do have night lights all around the house to make it easier for he to get to either the downstairs loo or the upstairs loo but she still prefers to use the en suite. My partner is very soft and I find it very difficult to approach him about the effect it has on me that he doesn't set any sort of boundaries where his daughter is concerned. I don't want it to come across as unwelcoming but I think we need to set boundaries that this is an adult bedroom. There's no attempt to get her to sleep on her own which is a separate matter and not one I'm getting involved in as it doesn't really affect me as greatly as the lack of boundaries issue but somewhat related I suppose. I think when she is older it would be good to swap her room with the guest room so she has her own private bathroom on the top floor and it would be a lot easier for me to have my dressing table on the same floor so I'm not going up and down the stairs in the morning. Right now it's not an option as her room is bursting with toys there's barely room as it is but maybe when she hits her tweens she won't need as much room for toys and she might like having her 'own floor' (there's also a TV and little sofa in my partner's office up there). I could start sleeping in the guest room when she is round so I am less disturbed but it creates more laundry having to wash between guests and if I'm honest I'd feel pushed out of my own bedroom as I know they would then sleep in the main bedroom and she tends to leave things lying around for me then to clear up. My partner and dsd were sleeping in the guest room for a while as she preferred sleeping there than her own room but I had to gently discourage it for similar reasons (creating more laundry between guests staying and leaving things lying around for me to have to clear up and put back in her room) but also I was feeling a bit pushed out of the space where I was supposed to be able to get ready in as I do need to get up earlier than them but also while the dressing table is only small there isn't space in our main bedroom for it. Any advice on how to approach this with my partner? I feel like he can be very sensitive about anything relating to his daughter as his number one priority is giving her everything she wants and needs which I totally understand..I will generally just stand aside and let him do him but there's times when his inability to set boundaries is affecting other people involved. I feel like the evil step mother for having to ask for some 'private space' as i don't want it to be perceived as me trying to exclude his daughter specifically. Perhaps it would be useful for me to know if parents set similar boundaries with their own children?

Why is he co sleeping with an 8 year old? Is her mum co sleeping too?

I think if DSD and dad co sleep then move DSD upstairs to the guest room so that she starts using that bathroom- it’s safer in the middle of the night to have an 8 yr old go to the bathroom on the same level and avoid stairs and potential falls in the middle of the night and move your dresser table to the other bedroom on your floor

You need to move bedrooms around so she has access to a toilet on the same floor she is sleeping on.

Change bedrooms around.

I wouldn't ask my dd to traverse stairs to use the loo in the middle of the night - in your set up I'd absolutely expect her to use the ensuite.

Putting her room on a floor without a bathroom wasn't the greatest idea - I'd move her room upstairs.

What, he’s co sleeping with an 8 year old?!!!

Why not use the guest room yourself the nights she is there? And why not make that more "your" space generally? It sounds as if you are the only one without your own space and you're struggling with that a bit?

Do you have guests so often that you couldn't get good use out of it?

Yes we set boundaries with out own kids.

But, he only sees her twice a week and I would imagine wants it to be nice for her so is probably letting more slide than he would if he loved with her 24/7.

I think it's OK to say once your bedroom door is closed then no one comes in. Although I may also be tempted to move her bedroom upstairs so she has a bathroom on the same floor. * *

Bizarre set up that needs completely rethinking. It's nice that you both have gone so far to look out for her, though.

I agree you sound very scattered about the house and don’t have a private space for just you. If I were you, I would take over the guest bedroom when DSD comes to stay. That way there is no en-suite bathroom that others using would disturb you all evening and wake you up. You wouldnt have to trek upstairs in the early hours to get dressed and ready for work- you’d already be up there. You’d be on the top floor so your partner and DSD moving around the house wouldn’t disturb you at all.

I agree when DSD is older and not longer needing her dad close by, that you’d then swap things out so she’d have the guest room as her bedroom and you & DH would move into the largest bedroom. Then the room you’re in now can be guest room with en-suite.

I understand not interfering with your partner and his daughter, she is older ti be co-sleeping I assume there is a reason for it like developmental delay/ASD, or PTSD/nightmares.

I have made the same mistake, setting aside a guest room and then I realised why do this when guests may stay for what two weeks a year?! And why can’t they just get a local hotel room? So I think the people that live there take priority over any possible guests.

My 8 yr old DD would be scared to go up or downstairs alone in the night. It doesn't surprise me one iota that this girl will only use the bathroom on the same floor as she sleeps. Prepare for the fact that she probably won't feel comfortable sleeping on a different floor to her dad either when that time comes.

This is exactly why I would never consider a townhouse. It wouldn't be a practical layout for my family either.

Dsd isn’t unreasonable to want to use a bathroom on the same floor as everyone else is- especially at night. Many 8 Year olds wouldn’t go and use the loo on a different floor if nobody else was there during the day. I think that if you push not using the ensuite then you risk her wetting the bed because she’s too scared to go upstairs or downstairs.

Giving sd the bedroom with the ensuite is probably your best solution because it sounds like she might not sleep well if she’s the only one on that floor of the house but it’s worth asking.

I think you definitely need to switch the bedrooms around unless you can put an en-suite into dsd's room because stairs in the night isn't fair, plus I know I would trip!

From how you describe it your dps office should be switched with her room so the guests share the bathroom with your dsd.

We have a town house but different layout so I know you need to sometimes think again about room usage.

Cosleeping I suspect will end soon, I had persistent cosleepers and apart from occasional illness/upset it stopped about 8.

Tbh I wiuld be out of that relationship. The lack of boundaries would give me the ick. You are being used to subsidise this man to have a very comfy lifestyle that he couldn't afford on his own yet you are constantly getting the shitty end of the stick.

Co sleeping in a double bed with an 8yo is bordering on inappropriate and it's worrying that he's making no efforts to transition away from that.

You have paid 50:50 for a 4 bed house where he dominates 3.5 of the bedrooms. Why is that ok?

If you stay in this relationship I think you should take the top floor for yourself. Move all his study stuff down into his bedroom and let that be his space. You have your own bedroom and own bathroom and separate additional room on the top floor which you can have all to yourself. But if it were me I would rather just put the house on the market and wash my hands of the whole thing.

What’s happens to the 4th bedroom? At the moment it seems you have an office/dressing room and have the space to separate things out. I would make the 4th rom guest room and office. You take the current guest room as your dressing room and sleep there when she’s over (or let them sleep there for the 2 nights a week).

The whole set up sounds pretty odd but in your shoes I’d sleep in the guest room. Why are they co-sleeping?

How much laundry does it really make, you can just switch the duvets from one bed to another so it's only the bottom sheet you are changing.

Surely you can't be having guests that often and the duvet on the bed will get dusty etc just sat waiting around anyway.

The 8 year old isn't unreasonable to want to he on the same floor as the other people in the house and the bathroom. It's not her fault you bought a stupid layout of a home to be in a expensive area, she didn't ask for any of this. The cosleeping will need to stop soon or now she could start her period any day from now and it's really not appropriate anymore.

Why does your partner have his own space and not you?Surely the better idea is to turn the fourth unused bedroom into a lounge for yourself if you are struggling.

There is nothing inappropraite about cosleeping with an 8 year old as long as they have the option not to and the child is freely making their own decision.

@Darlingstepmother why the hell is he "co sleeping" with an 8 year old daughter???? that is disgusting!!!!

Your problem is that you live in a three storey house. My teen will
not go down a flight of stairs of a night time (scared) so I understand why the 8 year old wouldn’t.

Why disgusting?

Very long post with a very simple solution. Move rooms. I have children the same age and they would be too scared to go downstairs on their own at 3am to use the bathroom. I think is reasonable that a child should have a bathroom available on the same floor they sleep on.

Sleep in the guest room.

No stairs ... her bedroom abd ensuite in 1st floor

You need to put her in the guest room and put all of your stuff on the first floor. I agree with PP that you can't expect her to use a bathroom on a different floor to you, and you need your space too all in one place.

I don't know how often you have guests, but it seems a luxury in a small house to keep a guest room. You could store your dressing table in the guest room I think. I'd keep the DP's office on the second floor with the DSD's bedroom if I were you, so you have whole floor for yourself (unless guests are in the house).