Dsd(8) coming into bedroom 3am to use en suite

[Darlingstepmother]

I need some advice on how to approach something. I bought a house with my partner so he could be close to his daughter (8) who we have twice a week..we moved to a really expensive area and I had to change jobs to make it work and we each paid 50/50. We have her two nights a week. It's a small four bed town house. Dsd has the largest room which is on the first floor and our room is also on the first floor with an en suite. On the 2nd floor we have a guest room and my partners office/football memorabilia room/TV room with beer fridge which shares a family bathroom which is only used when we have guests (neither of our family are from round here, mine are 200 miles away so this is quite important to have a space for guests). I have a small dressing table in the guest room as I need to get up earlier for work than my partner so that's where I get ready in the light so I don't disturb him. I'm struggling to have my own personal space in this house and I'm not sure what is reasonable to expect. The en suite is really the 'family bathroom' as that's where dsd brushes her teeth and goes to the loo before bed and through the night. My partner still co sleeps with his daughter in her room (she has a double bed) and I tend to retreat earlier in the evening when she is round as she tends to be watching cartoons in the living room. I tend to go up and read/meditate before bed to relax but find it quite disruptive having my partner and he daughter continually coming in through the eve and night to brush their teeth and go to the loo. Last night she came in at 3am and the en suite door is right next to the bed so the light is very bright. We do have night lights all around the house to make it easier for he to get to either the downstairs loo or the upstairs loo but she still prefers to use the en suite. My partner is very soft and I find it very difficult to approach him about the effect it has on me that he doesn't set any sort of boundaries where his daughter is concerned. I don't want it to come across as unwelcoming but I think we need to set boundaries that this is an adult bedroom. There's no attempt to get her to sleep on her own which is a separate matter and not one I'm getting involved in as it doesn't really affect me as greatly as the lack of boundaries issue but somewhat related I suppose. I think when she is older it would be good to swap her room with the guest room so she has her own private bathroom on the top floor and it would be a lot easier for me to have my dressing table on the same floor so I'm not going up and down the stairs in the morning. Right now it's not an option as her room is bursting with toys there's barely room as it is but maybe when she hits her tweens she won't need as much room for toys and she might like having her 'own floor' (there's also a TV and little sofa in my partner's office up there). I could start sleeping in the guest room when she is round so I am less disturbed but it creates more laundry having to wash between guests and if I'm honest I'd feel pushed out of my own bedroom as I know they would then sleep in the main bedroom and she tends to leave things lying around for me then to clear up. My partner and dsd were sleeping in the guest room for a while as she preferred sleeping there than her own room but I had to gently discourage it for similar reasons (creating more laundry between guests staying and leaving things lying around for me to have to clear up and put back in her room) but also I was feeling a bit pushed out of the space where I was supposed to be able to get ready in as I do need to get up earlier than them but also while the dressing table is only small there isn't space in our main bedroom for it. Any advice on how to approach this with my partner? I feel like he can be very sensitive about anything relating to his daughter as his number one priority is giving her everything she wants and needs which I totally understand..I will generally just stand aside and let him do him but there's times when his inability to set boundaries is affecting other people involved. I feel like the evil step mother for having to ask for some 'private space' as i don't want it to be perceived as me trying to exclude his daughter specifically. Perhaps it would be useful for me to know if parents set similar boundaries with their own children?

Also this! Our bathroom is on the ground floor and since my 3 year old has been out of nappies I’ve never had to take him downstairs in the night. Neither has my older one.

Has she got issues where she is doing it to get comfort/attention from dad in the night? Although he is already sleeping in there.. it just seems strange.

I think it's really inappropriate that he's co-sleeping with her and not sleeping with you.
She's not that far off puberty now.
You need to reset this.
She moves into the bedroom upstairs and has her own bathroom in the same level (and her own space and privacy as she grows into a young woman).
Your partner moves back into the bed with you.

Is there a way to change the en-suit to a bathroom accessible from a corridor?

As to how to approach this with your partner - unless you feel able to speak to him about how this doesnt work for you and how this makes you feel you are stuffed.

Absolutely agree, DSD should not just have her own double bed at 8 years old so she can share with her father. I mean, really. Switch it to a single, in the upstairs room with her own en suite. DSD should have plenty space for toys if she only has a single bed. Then OP gets the big room downstairs, seen as he is occupying the two upstairs bedrooms. He can either put a single bed in his man cave, or her bedroom, to transition her into sleeping alone but still being close by for comfort.

50/50 means 50/50 OP. Don’t be such a pushover, he’s taking full advantage of your even share and dominating the entire house.

Move DSD upstairs and use her current bedroom as the spare. Toys can be managed with storage.

It's absolutely wild that so many grown adults are boldly proclaiming what's "normal" and what's unacceptable/inappropriate/weird/"icky" etc, based purely on their own personal preferences and choices, without any awareness that other people are not the same as them. Can't see beyond the end of their own nose.

Co sleeping is very normal in my culture. It's quite a western idea that co sleeping is wrong and children should be in their own rooms at 6 months.
I still co sleep with my 7 year old. She has her own room but wants to sleep with me the majority of the time. I still sometimes co sleep with my 11 year old when she's having a rough time. I got her a double bed for this purpose.

I do agree that it sounds like your partner is taking advantage of you. You're paying half yet he's taking over the whole house pretty much. You have to squeeze your dresser into a room while he gets an entire room for football stuff. Plus the biggest room for his dd.

We only had a downstairs bathroom growing up and we managed fine from toddler age. Plus my DDs manage now when they stay at my parents.
To be honest not many dc I know wake up in the night for the toilet that often. My dc never do.

I'd do as others have suggested and move the rooms. You go upstairs into the guest room. It's all lovely having a guest room but not when it's needed by the people actually living there all the time. Why keep a room for the small amount of time guests might stay when you are stressed without space. Seems ridiculous. You split the football room so it's shared and you get a bigger dressing room/area. You sleep upstairs when dsd is there so you're not disturbed and can get ready in the next room. I'd even make dsd room the one with the en-suite and the bigger room a lounge for you all.

Take back your space op. You matter too.

Why would things left lying around be for YOU to clear up? Why is her father not capable of clearing up? Why are YOU doing the extra laundry?

Why is the 8 year old not picking up after herself? Is this a pareneting / partnering approach you agree with - that the adult female does all the drudge and makes all the compromises?

Does he indulge her? Is it out of guilt?

I have gained a little perspective on the toilet matter so I can sympathise with her on the situation better now but you are probably right that it's probably more about the endless drudge and the isolation I have experienced from the move that just makes me feel like I don't really 'belong' in this house and that I need that extra down time or 'space'! She struggled a lot with her anxiety when her sibling was born (her mum's child) and it was a struggle to get her to stay with us as I think she felt like she was missing out on time with her Mum. She also has a double bed at her Mum's house and sleeps with her so my partner obviously doesn't want to push her into sleeping independently out of fear she just won't stay with us. I guess from the co-sleeping situation I can appreciate everyone's idea of what is normal is different. I personally think it's normal to tell a child to tidy their room, for example but it's almost as if he's scared to and it's just like we're tip-toeing around the whole situation. I feel uncomfortable but don't ever want to impose what my idea of 'normal' parenting is, hence why it's useful to collect thoughts from others. I probably didn't explain the situation very well....as some have put it, I'm just a bit 'scattered' right now. It's sometimes easier to just imagine that a simple reorganisation of the rooms might make everything better - all very good suggestions though. I think when the time is right she will love being on the top floor with her own bathroom. For now, we are prioritising her being close to her Dad and with that comes with an inconvenient bathroom situation.

That’s all well and good but what about the fact your DP is occupying 90% of a home you paid 50% to own..? And contribute, it would seem, more than 50% effort to maintain? Laundry and tidying etc. where is YOUR space supposed to be, while he has your combined room, his own man cave, his DD gets the biggest room (which he also shares) and the last room is a “spare room” which you’ve squeezed a few belongings into..? In what world is this fair?

No wonder you feel scattered and isolated. You’re pushed out of the home you are meant to be building together with your DP.

Tip toeing doesn't help a child. She's going to need support with the changed family situation, but that doesn't mean no boundaries.
She needs to tidy up and follow basic rules. She should be given a single bed and your partner can sleep in a camp bed to start with, if she has anxiety, but she's not in charge of the household.

So she still co-sleeps with Mum? And the baby, presumably? How old is the baby?

I agree with the single bed and camp bed suggestion. If things ever get tacky between your DP and his ex, then sharing his DD's bed is going to come up - and not in a good way. Social Services would not be happy with an adult male sharing a bed with a girl of 8 (ditto boy, obv).

Good points, @Grammarnut

@Grammarnut ss would not give a damn about a child sharing a bed with their dad unless there was clear evidence of abuse.

She's just flagging up a potential source of trouble.

If it was my house I'd use the two bedrooms on the top floor for you and your DSD. Middle floor as a more public space with office/TV room and a guest room with the en suite. Possibly with a sofabed to make more flexible when no guests, then maybe it could also be used as a playroom when your DSD is with you. Decorate the rooms fairly simply so as she gets older the option to move around again is available without too much effort.

I completely understand why a little girl who has been through a divorce would want to sleep with her Dad on the two nights a week she stays with him. It'll stop soon but it's great they have a strong bond and I'm glad the @Darlingstepmother is being more sensible about it than most posters.

As a person who moved around between parents houses (and grandparents too) as a kid, I can totally understand being scared to use a bathroom on another floor in the night. A house you don’t live in full time (even a house you do!) can feel alien and uncomfortable to a sensitive child, especially areas not often used by you or areas that feel unfamiliar. Especially if it’s an older house and has unfamiliar utilities/fixtures. I still recall my unease at my great grandmother’s bathroom gas heater! Also I recall sleeping in with my grandmother fairly regularly when she and I stayed in the (otherwise alien to me) house of my other great grandmother. I found the presence of a loved adult comforting. And I didn’t have any “issues”, just a somewhat chaotic childhood split between houses. I read a book a while back that discussed how “divorce kids” can get very particular about their possessions as a way to feel in control of things. I imagine there are aspects of houses/sleeping/space/wanting safe adults near that play out in these situations too. Divorces and step families are part of life and not evil or bad, but they do impact the kids involved and maybe give this 8 year old a break about the bathroom and needing her dad close by in the night (or work to gently wean her off the co sleeping but don’t force it)

Why all the outrage about a parent cosleeping with their child?

SPOT ON

And what is clear evidence of abuse. Sharing a child's bed is/can be abuse.

Sharing a bed is not abuse in and of itself, and would not be considered as such by the authorities without wider context rendering it abusive. There is a massive difference between a child who sleeps with their parent for comfort and because it's the norm in their family/culture, and a child who is made to share a bed with an adult for the adult's perverse gratification. I can't believe anyone would actually need to have this explained to them.

Give over. It’s his daughter. Dads and daughters share beds like mothers and sons do.

Sharing a child’s bed is not abuse in itself.

My nephew (11) chooses to sleep in my mum’s bed when he stays for sleepovers despite there being other empty bedrooms. They read their books together then turn the lights out and chat until they fall asleep.

Should I be alerting SS to this flagrant abuse?

Are you planning on having any DC.@Darlingstepmother ?