Dsd(8) coming into bedroom 3am to use en suite

[Darlingstepmother]

I need some advice on how to approach something. I bought a house with my partner so he could be close to his daughter (8) who we have twice a week..we moved to a really expensive area and I had to change jobs to make it work and we each paid 50/50. We have her two nights a week. It's a small four bed town house. Dsd has the largest room which is on the first floor and our room is also on the first floor with an en suite. On the 2nd floor we have a guest room and my partners office/football memorabilia room/TV room with beer fridge which shares a family bathroom which is only used when we have guests (neither of our family are from round here, mine are 200 miles away so this is quite important to have a space for guests). I have a small dressing table in the guest room as I need to get up earlier for work than my partner so that's where I get ready in the light so I don't disturb him. I'm struggling to have my own personal space in this house and I'm not sure what is reasonable to expect. The en suite is really the 'family bathroom' as that's where dsd brushes her teeth and goes to the loo before bed and through the night. My partner still co sleeps with his daughter in her room (she has a double bed) and I tend to retreat earlier in the evening when she is round as she tends to be watching cartoons in the living room. I tend to go up and read/meditate before bed to relax but find it quite disruptive having my partner and he daughter continually coming in through the eve and night to brush their teeth and go to the loo. Last night she came in at 3am and the en suite door is right next to the bed so the light is very bright. We do have night lights all around the house to make it easier for he to get to either the downstairs loo or the upstairs loo but she still prefers to use the en suite. My partner is very soft and I find it very difficult to approach him about the effect it has on me that he doesn't set any sort of boundaries where his daughter is concerned. I don't want it to come across as unwelcoming but I think we need to set boundaries that this is an adult bedroom. There's no attempt to get her to sleep on her own which is a separate matter and not one I'm getting involved in as it doesn't really affect me as greatly as the lack of boundaries issue but somewhat related I suppose. I think when she is older it would be good to swap her room with the guest room so she has her own private bathroom on the top floor and it would be a lot easier for me to have my dressing table on the same floor so I'm not going up and down the stairs in the morning. Right now it's not an option as her room is bursting with toys there's barely room as it is but maybe when she hits her tweens she won't need as much room for toys and she might like having her 'own floor' (there's also a TV and little sofa in my partner's office up there). I could start sleeping in the guest room when she is round so I am less disturbed but it creates more laundry having to wash between guests and if I'm honest I'd feel pushed out of my own bedroom as I know they would then sleep in the main bedroom and she tends to leave things lying around for me then to clear up. My partner and dsd were sleeping in the guest room for a while as she preferred sleeping there than her own room but I had to gently discourage it for similar reasons (creating more laundry between guests staying and leaving things lying around for me to have to clear up and put back in her room) but also I was feeling a bit pushed out of the space where I was supposed to be able to get ready in as I do need to get up earlier than them but also while the dressing table is only small there isn't space in our main bedroom for it. Any advice on how to approach this with my partner? I feel like he can be very sensitive about anything relating to his daughter as his number one priority is giving her everything she wants and needs which I totally understand..I will generally just stand aside and let him do him but there's times when his inability to set boundaries is affecting other people involved. I feel like the evil step mother for having to ask for some 'private space' as i don't want it to be perceived as me trying to exclude his daughter specifically. Perhaps it would be useful for me to know if parents set similar boundaries with their own children?

Everyone seems to agree she shouldn't be co-sleeping at 8 and the rooms need to change.

So your response is to do nothing.

Why did you even ask for advice if you are not going to take it?

Co-sleeping with an 8 year old is causing all kinds of wrong messages - to her and to you. Why the hell is a 8 year old driving the entire household’s schedule? You are handing over all boundaries to her to set and she is splitting. (All natural.) He needs to not be in her bed. She needs a set bed time and to be able to self-settle. She’s not a baby. Stop treating her like royalty. She is there less than 1/3rd of the week. Claim back the big room for yourself. Claim back your power with your space. Tell her to use the bathroom and let you sleep ffs. You’re not the staff. If you keep this up you and he will be broken up in six months.

Yet the OP and I would bet the vast majority of people on this thread share a bed with someone else and don't sleep on their own. Bed sharing is normal around the world and it's really not a big deal for a child to sleep in with their parent. They tend to grow out of it around the DSD's age or just a little older.

I've coslept with both of mine and they are now 10 and 15 and only the youngest ever tries to find in with us now, very occasionally. The teen would be horrified at the suggestion (yet at one point I thought we would never get her out of our bed).

He should stop co sleeping &
you should not use the en-suite as the main bathroom for her

I would also set up her bedroom upstairs, make it really nice for her so she wants to sleep there and then gradually ease off the co-sleeping at the same time.

I was really scared of stairs in the night time, especially around the age your DSD is, I have no idea why but they seemed really creepy.

Why are you putting your own needs last when you own the house 50/50?

I think you need to wake up and stop being a doormat to this selfish man. He has his own room mainly for his football bollocks?? He definitely saw you coming. 😳

If there’s a separate bathroom upstairs next to the guest bedroom, suggest DSD moves into that room instead.

He should not be co-sleeping with a pre-pubescent girl of 8yrs old either! That’s very icky.

Could you swap rooms so you're in the larger room and she is in the ensuite room? That way her using the ensuite isn't disturbing your sleep but you are all on the same floor. Also you'd have room for your dressing table to be in your bedroom

I can deal with the 3am wake ups a little easier with some extra perspective.

Really....for 4 more years - why? and what is this perspective? Seems like more pretzel twisting that will leave you understandably with further resentment internally which will leak and shadow your relationship.

Is there an age difference between you and your partner? Or a power imbalance? Are you scared to rock the boat.

Where is the 4th bedroom? Personally I'd have her in the top bedroom assuming that's where the bathroom is and she usually this to brush teeth and use the toilet so you can sleep through, your DH should sleep there if they need to co sleep. My DS came back to co sleep with me at a similar age and it turned out he was afraid of his bedroom and this co-sleeping stopped when we moved him to the spare room
I'd then make her bedroom into a guest room and put my stuff in the 4th bedroom

This. She sounds very spoiled and needs some discipline. I would not tolerate it for one moment.

This is totally unacceptable.

Also its telling that you have posted this in step parenting - and not for instance in another obvious practical / home organisation section on MN.

I think its a good thing tho because it indicates tha you know this is nothing about bedrooms and everything about parenting styles, boundaries, priorities and the sacrifices you have made and continue to make for this man. Are you planning to have DC with him?

This I don’t know why OP even posted tbh…

I’d be more concerned about the fact you’ve went 50/50 on a house and are having to tiptoe around all 4 bedrooms (!!) being dominated by your partner. Why does he get a man cave/hobby room, a bedroom, a bedroom for his child (the biggest room, for two nights a week?) and a spare room. At very least the “spare room” should be YOUR woman cave/hobby room. Fair is bloody fair. You can have a bed in there for when DSD is over so you don’t have to be disturbed, but it should be outlined as your space just as much as he has his.

I also wouldn’t count on your DSD magically wanting to switch for a smaller room either. This should be something you should discuss with your partner now, not something to put up with and grow resentful for 4 years just to find it isn’t going to change then either. Partnerships are just that and if he can’t compromise so you can also be comfortable/happy in the home you’re apparently 50/50 on there’s something wrong.

I agree.

Op, you only have her two nights a week so it shouldn't be too difficult, with some adjustments.

People who are describing a day Co-sleeping with his 8 year old daughter as “inappropriate” “icky” “disgusting” “unacceptable” should really think about exploring why you have such a strong reaction to the very natural act of a parent sleeping in the same bed as their young child, unless there’s actually the suggestion of anything sinister it would be perfectly natural for a kid to want comfort from their parent.
The only reason to describe it in ways that the posters I mentioned have done is because they’re attributing a sexual connotation to it, maybe look at why.

Yeah it's nuts the guy has a football memorabilia room and huge room for his kid and you've got the dregs.

Also if she's in what is effectively the lounge, what's the living space like downstairs?

I get the impression that your partner likes the large house in the nice area but would probably prefer it if you weren’t in it. He seems to have it set up to suit him.

You need some space too! Stand your ground. Re-organise the rooms.

1st floor. Largest room becomes dh's office/football/TV room plus bed so that when he stops co-sleeping he's not far from dsd. Dsd has room with en suite shared with dh.

2nd floor. Op's bedroom. Guest bedroom/private living space for OP - perhaps a sofa bed to make it more of a chill out room when guests aren't there.

I would swap the guest room for DSD room so that she has access to a bathroom. Move the guest room to your floor and put your dressing table in it. You can then treat it as your dressing room when you don't have guests and it's convenient as it's on the same floor.

Co sleeping at 8 isn't necessary and she should be learning to sleep on her own. I don't think you can do much about the bathroom thing as she is 8 and probably won't want to go to another floor in the middle of the night. I wake up every night and need the loo and often did when young, so I think that's just an issue with the house layout.

Why is everyone making this weird? Is it because he's a dad? In which case, that's grim.
Or is it because everyone thinks a child who has been through parental separation and has been sleeping at a range of various homes in her short life doesnt need night time support?
Jesus.

At 8 and only being there two nights a week is he may not want to go upstairs to use the bathroom.

I don't think you should have to change your bedroom and en suite but the dad and his daughter need to sleep in the room on the floor where there is a guest bathroom.

I agree and it won't be forever.

My son used to get up and come into our bed every night beyond the age of eight. He used to slide in between us quietly (I would wake, husband didn't, I went back to sleep). We co-slept quite well, nothing weird about it.

I don't think it's weird as such, just something I wouldn't encourage. Partly because by the time my children were about 4 I couldn't sleep myself with them in my bed!