Dsd(8) coming into bedroom 3am to use en suite

[Darlingstepmother]

I need some advice on how to approach something. I bought a house with my partner so he could be close to his daughter (8) who we have twice a week..we moved to a really expensive area and I had to change jobs to make it work and we each paid 50/50. We have her two nights a week. It's a small four bed town house. Dsd has the largest room which is on the first floor and our room is also on the first floor with an en suite. On the 2nd floor we have a guest room and my partners office/football memorabilia room/TV room with beer fridge which shares a family bathroom which is only used when we have guests (neither of our family are from round here, mine are 200 miles away so this is quite important to have a space for guests). I have a small dressing table in the guest room as I need to get up earlier for work than my partner so that's where I get ready in the light so I don't disturb him. I'm struggling to have my own personal space in this house and I'm not sure what is reasonable to expect. The en suite is really the 'family bathroom' as that's where dsd brushes her teeth and goes to the loo before bed and through the night. My partner still co sleeps with his daughter in her room (she has a double bed) and I tend to retreat earlier in the evening when she is round as she tends to be watching cartoons in the living room. I tend to go up and read/meditate before bed to relax but find it quite disruptive having my partner and he daughter continually coming in through the eve and night to brush their teeth and go to the loo. Last night she came in at 3am and the en suite door is right next to the bed so the light is very bright. We do have night lights all around the house to make it easier for he to get to either the downstairs loo or the upstairs loo but she still prefers to use the en suite. My partner is very soft and I find it very difficult to approach him about the effect it has on me that he doesn't set any sort of boundaries where his daughter is concerned. I don't want it to come across as unwelcoming but I think we need to set boundaries that this is an adult bedroom. There's no attempt to get her to sleep on her own which is a separate matter and not one I'm getting involved in as it doesn't really affect me as greatly as the lack of boundaries issue but somewhat related I suppose. I think when she is older it would be good to swap her room with the guest room so she has her own private bathroom on the top floor and it would be a lot easier for me to have my dressing table on the same floor so I'm not going up and down the stairs in the morning. Right now it's not an option as her room is bursting with toys there's barely room as it is but maybe when she hits her tweens she won't need as much room for toys and she might like having her 'own floor' (there's also a TV and little sofa in my partner's office up there). I could start sleeping in the guest room when she is round so I am less disturbed but it creates more laundry having to wash between guests and if I'm honest I'd feel pushed out of my own bedroom as I know they would then sleep in the main bedroom and she tends to leave things lying around for me then to clear up. My partner and dsd were sleeping in the guest room for a while as she preferred sleeping there than her own room but I had to gently discourage it for similar reasons (creating more laundry between guests staying and leaving things lying around for me to have to clear up and put back in her room) but also I was feeling a bit pushed out of the space where I was supposed to be able to get ready in as I do need to get up earlier than them but also while the dressing table is only small there isn't space in our main bedroom for it. Any advice on how to approach this with my partner? I feel like he can be very sensitive about anything relating to his daughter as his number one priority is giving her everything she wants and needs which I totally understand..I will generally just stand aside and let him do him but there's times when his inability to set boundaries is affecting other people involved. I feel like the evil step mother for having to ask for some 'private space' as i don't want it to be perceived as me trying to exclude his daughter specifically. Perhaps it would be useful for me to know if parents set similar boundaries with their own children?

The layout of the house is the issue, not the child. If you use the ensuite as the family bathroom then of course she goes there for the toilet, I wouldn't expect my children to go up or down stairs in the middle of the night when there is a bathroom on the same level. Swap the rooms- hers with the guestroom of yours.

Childs Bedroom and ensuite on 1st floor so already happening

This house sounds very badly planned. Bedroom too small for small dressing table and above all - only WC on 1st floor is en suit. Why did you buy it? You knew what your ''set up'' was. There is usually easier WC ''arrangements'' than this property has. Father should not sleep with DSD.

I'd look at swapping the layout around too. We have a townhouse too. Although we have no en-suite which is very un-Mumsnet and everyone has to go downstairs to the loo.

And it’s not normal for an 8 year old girl to share a bed with either of her parents unless for a short period such as on holiday or staying with family/friends. But as a regular event, no, of course an 8 year old should sleep on their own in their own bed. Come on.

I would expect my dc to use the bathroom on the same floor as their bedroom. Why don’t you make the top floor yours?

I'm struggling slightly with the idea that someone who has a 'dressing room' doesn't have their own space. Surely most couples dont have much space of their own when they move in together? Loads of people don't have a spare room. I think it's reasonable for dsd to use the toilet on the same floor she sleeps on. I can see it's not ideal that it's your en suite, but that's the set up you went with / house you chose.

How often do you have guests? Surely if you wanted to use that room for sleeping when she is there, you just leave a set of bedding on for you to use. If you only use it a couple of nights a week it wouldn't need changing every time unless guests come?

It does sound hard to blend with you partners family like this, and 8 does seem a bit old to be routinely co sleeping, but you must have been aware of all this when you decided to live with him. She's only there 2 nights a week and you want to shut yourself away all evening every time and not be disturbed?

Sorry OP, I get that sharing your house is hard (which is why I can't imagine living with someone who already had kids) but you have unrealistic expectations here I think.

Seriously, people thinking it's inappropriate for father to sleep with 8 yo DD.. Wtaf??
My 8 year old son sleeps with me most nights, he has terrible anxiety & begs to sleep in with me.. is that inappropriate too, or only if it's father / daughter? 🙄
I'd swap the 2 rooms on the 1st floor around.. dsd in smaller room with en-suite & you & partner take the bigger room.

It is not “bordering on inappropriate”. She is 8 and has clearly gone through many changes and periods of instability. 8 for goodness sake

It absolutely is normal for a young child (8 is still young) to feel safe with their parents at night. It’s some western crap to split children into an entirely separate room from 6 months old and tell them to get on with it

My 8 year old is still in the stage where she's a bit of a melt at night and would be too scared to go up a flight of stairs by herself for a pee.

It's absolutely appropriate for an 8 year old to need cuddles and closeness at bedtime. It's a funny age- they look like big kids but they're emotionally closer to 5 than they are to 10!

Why all the detail and such a long post? It all sounds a bit pretentious and precious to me. Co-sleeping with an 8 year old? Guests? Sit down, do a logical audit and get it sorted to benefit the child and yourselves. If you ask me you can't see the wood for the trees. Cut the detail and make some sound, healthy decisions.

Well nigh time your step-daughter was sleeping on her own.

This is a really good suggestion. While you're at it you might want to bear in mind that you own 50% of this property but you're allowing your partner's needs to dominate how it is used. Maybe you should have your 'own floor' with two rooms and a bathroom?

I think this is a metaphor for your relationship....you have bent yourself into a pretzel to accomodate his needs around his DD (changed job, area, house) but the reality is it hasnt achieved what you had hoped, is still not satisfying and has been very disruptive. I can see how this would make your feel frustrated and resentful.

Is any of this an issue for your partner - and if so what he he doing about it?

Do you plan to have DC with him down the line?

What do you think of his parenting style?

Thanks for everyone's feedback. She seems quite grown up for her age so sometimes it's difficult to understand about the fear of stairs (we have always had hallways well-lit so I didn't think of it any differently from day time). For now I think it makes sense to just keep things as they are. She's been growing up really fast lately so she should want to sleep on her own eventually in which case it will help to have her Dad on the same floor. I can deal with the 3am wake ups a little easier with some extra perspective. Obviously I have never said anything to make her feel unwelcome using the en-suite so never had the opportunity to ask her about it hence why I turned to mumsnet. As everyone seems to agree, the natural solution will come in 4 years or so when she would rather take the smaller room on a separate floor with her own bathroom.

I don’t think my DS(9) would go to another floor up for the toilet , or he’d be happy sleeping up there on his own. He’s an independent child; plays out for hours with friends and we don’t see him. However there is something about night time and the dark that he, and lots of others don’t hugely like.
In our house we’ve a toilet right next to the kids bedrooms but they still prefer to use our en-suite 🤣

So there’s no family bathroom on that floor? How odd. If I were you I’d move upstairs to the top floor and leave your Dh and his dd on the floor below.

She seems quite grow up for her age yet is co sleeping with her dad still? Very contradictory statements.

move her bedroom and tell her dad to stop sleeping with her.

Yes but that’s the OPs issue on the first floor is the child’s bedroom, main bedroom and ensuite so when the child gets ready for bed , needs the toilet at 3am OP is being woken up/ disturbed. Moving the child to the next floor alongside dads memorabilia room and bathroom will give the OP privacy and safety for DSD

It is absolutely ridiculous that she is needing to cosleep at her age unless there are developmental issues. The whole set up sounds odd and as if you are all tiptoeing round her. She should at the very least be sleeping in her own room.

It is absolutely ridiculous that she is needing to cosleep at her age unless there are developmental issues. The whole set up sounds odd and as if you are all tiptoeing round her. She should at the very least be sleeping in her own room.

OP: what should I do?
Everyone: move the bedrooms around
OP: Nah, I’ll wait four years

Weird choice.

I would rethink the guest room. I think there are more important priorities then reserving a room for guests.
I understand why DD doesn't want to go to use the bathroom on another floor, although I lived in a victorian terraced house with a downstairs bathroom as a child. Hated going downstairs to use the loo tbf but didn't have any choice.
I guess it depends on room dimensions but can you take top floor for yourself, bedroom, bathroom, dressing room.
Floor below DSDs room, DH study/guest room, would it work if ensuite room was the study/guest room as its got the ensuite?
Or frankly get DSD to wake up DH and get him to take her upstairs to the loo!
Living as a family frankly you don't get much space to yourself but it does sound like DH is taking up more than his fair share of the house.

The DD is sleeping effectively in the lounge which is often the layout in town houses - lounge on first floor....and in this case an ensuite bedroom.