Dsd(8) coming into bedroom 3am to use en suite

[Darlingstepmother]

I need some advice on how to approach something. I bought a house with my partner so he could be close to his daughter (8) who we have twice a week..we moved to a really expensive area and I had to change jobs to make it work and we each paid 50/50. We have her two nights a week. It's a small four bed town house. Dsd has the largest room which is on the first floor and our room is also on the first floor with an en suite. On the 2nd floor we have a guest room and my partners office/football memorabilia room/TV room with beer fridge which shares a family bathroom which is only used when we have guests (neither of our family are from round here, mine are 200 miles away so this is quite important to have a space for guests). I have a small dressing table in the guest room as I need to get up earlier for work than my partner so that's where I get ready in the light so I don't disturb him. I'm struggling to have my own personal space in this house and I'm not sure what is reasonable to expect. The en suite is really the 'family bathroom' as that's where dsd brushes her teeth and goes to the loo before bed and through the night. My partner still co sleeps with his daughter in her room (she has a double bed) and I tend to retreat earlier in the evening when she is round as she tends to be watching cartoons in the living room. I tend to go up and read/meditate before bed to relax but find it quite disruptive having my partner and he daughter continually coming in through the eve and night to brush their teeth and go to the loo. Last night she came in at 3am and the en suite door is right next to the bed so the light is very bright. We do have night lights all around the house to make it easier for he to get to either the downstairs loo or the upstairs loo but she still prefers to use the en suite. My partner is very soft and I find it very difficult to approach him about the effect it has on me that he doesn't set any sort of boundaries where his daughter is concerned. I don't want it to come across as unwelcoming but I think we need to set boundaries that this is an adult bedroom. There's no attempt to get her to sleep on her own which is a separate matter and not one I'm getting involved in as it doesn't really affect me as greatly as the lack of boundaries issue but somewhat related I suppose. I think when she is older it would be good to swap her room with the guest room so she has her own private bathroom on the top floor and it would be a lot easier for me to have my dressing table on the same floor so I'm not going up and down the stairs in the morning. Right now it's not an option as her room is bursting with toys there's barely room as it is but maybe when she hits her tweens she won't need as much room for toys and she might like having her 'own floor' (there's also a TV and little sofa in my partner's office up there). I could start sleeping in the guest room when she is round so I am less disturbed but it creates more laundry having to wash between guests and if I'm honest I'd feel pushed out of my own bedroom as I know they would then sleep in the main bedroom and she tends to leave things lying around for me then to clear up. My partner and dsd were sleeping in the guest room for a while as she preferred sleeping there than her own room but I had to gently discourage it for similar reasons (creating more laundry between guests staying and leaving things lying around for me to have to clear up and put back in her room) but also I was feeling a bit pushed out of the space where I was supposed to be able to get ready in as I do need to get up earlier than them but also while the dressing table is only small there isn't space in our main bedroom for it. Any advice on how to approach this with my partner? I feel like he can be very sensitive about anything relating to his daughter as his number one priority is giving her everything she wants and needs which I totally understand..I will generally just stand aside and let him do him but there's times when his inability to set boundaries is affecting other people involved. I feel like the evil step mother for having to ask for some 'private space' as i don't want it to be perceived as me trying to exclude his daughter specifically. Perhaps it would be useful for me to know if parents set similar boundaries with their own children?

Yes absolutely. SS and police. That sounds utterly traumatising for him and his granny is clearly a heinous criminal.

(Obviously I'm joking and this actually sounds really lovely 😊 Maybe PPs will see how daft they sound).

Because she is 8.

So what ?

This. Sorry OP but it feels like he is taking way more than he’s giving. Time to re-set and rebalance while solving the bathroom problem.

Also, his parenting sounds really lame. Time for his DSD to learn how to tidy up, with his help, not yours.

OP hasn't said anything about whether she wants children, but I wouldn't in that situation. It reads like her role is paying half the mortgage, and that she's the 3rd wheel in the blended family.

So his "sensitivity" about his daughter is conveniently controlling you in your own home?

How convenient he has found a woman willing to move, change job, pay 50/50 for a house that is dominated by his child.
A skivvy aupair type that cleans up after them too.

So convenienOPfor him OP🙄.
He must be delighted with himself.

I fail to see what you are getting out of this arrangement, thats for sure.

You have given up an unfathomably amount for him.

This is your life now and will be only worse if you have a child with him.

His priority is his child and you are simply an instrument for her comfort/housing, skivvy cleaning.

Give some thought to your future because it doesn't sound great from the many many threads on MN that are similar to this, but further down the line .

These guys always find a solvent women to provide housing for their children.

Give some serious thought to what you want for yourself.

I can tell you one thing....women with self esteem give guys like this a hard swerve.

@Darlingstepmother tell him if he's ascared to tell her to tidy away her stuff then he has to do it, please don't end up like a lot of stepmum mugs you see on these threads, who end up the fall guy for doing everything for the dsd, he's playing Disney dad and it will only get worse.

You're definitely third in the pecking order in this arrangement

The drudge and isolation sound like a bigger problem sound like a bigger problem than the bedroom configuration.

Are you feeling excluded when DSD is there?

The drudge can be shifted to Dad. He needs to be responsible for tidying up or asking DD to do it!

You don't have to spend the next 4 years having no space if your own and having your sleep disturbed.

The sensible solution would be to swap bedrooms so she has the ensuite. She can downsize some of the toys or her dad can look at some storage solutions.

You're allowed to have your own space!