Dsd(8) coming into bedroom 3am to use en suite

[Darlingstepmother]

I need some advice on how to approach something. I bought a house with my partner so he could be close to his daughter (8) who we have twice a week..we moved to a really expensive area and I had to change jobs to make it work and we each paid 50/50. We have her two nights a week. It's a small four bed town house. Dsd has the largest room which is on the first floor and our room is also on the first floor with an en suite. On the 2nd floor we have a guest room and my partners office/football memorabilia room/TV room with beer fridge which shares a family bathroom which is only used when we have guests (neither of our family are from round here, mine are 200 miles away so this is quite important to have a space for guests). I have a small dressing table in the guest room as I need to get up earlier for work than my partner so that's where I get ready in the light so I don't disturb him. I'm struggling to have my own personal space in this house and I'm not sure what is reasonable to expect. The en suite is really the 'family bathroom' as that's where dsd brushes her teeth and goes to the loo before bed and through the night. My partner still co sleeps with his daughter in her room (she has a double bed) and I tend to retreat earlier in the evening when she is round as she tends to be watching cartoons in the living room. I tend to go up and read/meditate before bed to relax but find it quite disruptive having my partner and he daughter continually coming in through the eve and night to brush their teeth and go to the loo. Last night she came in at 3am and the en suite door is right next to the bed so the light is very bright. We do have night lights all around the house to make it easier for he to get to either the downstairs loo or the upstairs loo but she still prefers to use the en suite. My partner is very soft and I find it very difficult to approach him about the effect it has on me that he doesn't set any sort of boundaries where his daughter is concerned. I don't want it to come across as unwelcoming but I think we need to set boundaries that this is an adult bedroom. There's no attempt to get her to sleep on her own which is a separate matter and not one I'm getting involved in as it doesn't really affect me as greatly as the lack of boundaries issue but somewhat related I suppose. I think when she is older it would be good to swap her room with the guest room so she has her own private bathroom on the top floor and it would be a lot easier for me to have my dressing table on the same floor so I'm not going up and down the stairs in the morning. Right now it's not an option as her room is bursting with toys there's barely room as it is but maybe when she hits her tweens she won't need as much room for toys and she might like having her 'own floor' (there's also a TV and little sofa in my partner's office up there). I could start sleeping in the guest room when she is round so I am less disturbed but it creates more laundry having to wash between guests and if I'm honest I'd feel pushed out of my own bedroom as I know they would then sleep in the main bedroom and she tends to leave things lying around for me then to clear up. My partner and dsd were sleeping in the guest room for a while as she preferred sleeping there than her own room but I had to gently discourage it for similar reasons (creating more laundry between guests staying and leaving things lying around for me to have to clear up and put back in her room) but also I was feeling a bit pushed out of the space where I was supposed to be able to get ready in as I do need to get up earlier than them but also while the dressing table is only small there isn't space in our main bedroom for it. Any advice on how to approach this with my partner? I feel like he can be very sensitive about anything relating to his daughter as his number one priority is giving her everything she wants and needs which I totally understand..I will generally just stand aside and let him do him but there's times when his inability to set boundaries is affecting other people involved. I feel like the evil step mother for having to ask for some 'private space' as i don't want it to be perceived as me trying to exclude his daughter specifically. Perhaps it would be useful for me to know if parents set similar boundaries with their own children?

It wouldn't be your place to discipline though, would it, because it's not your child.

I would be swapping rooms with her, assuming you don’t need to go to the loo in the night, or can manage the stairs. That’s in a parallel universe where I’d tolerate my partner sharing a bed with an 8 year old. At the very least, extremely weird. Not sure how you tolerate it OP, unless she has some severe medical issues.

In my opinion it’s bonkers and DSD should have what is now the guest room as her own bedroom, so she can use the bathroom without disturbing people. Can she have some of her toys etc in the office on that floor? At the moment it feels like your husbands mancave-room is being placed higher in importance than your quality of sleep and personal space.

Laundry wise, when they sleep in the guest bed - Get a second duvet and pillows. Bag up the clean guest duvet and sheets in one bag, and a duvet and sheets your DSD/DH use can live in another bag. Then the only annoying bit is swapping them over along with the bottom sheet. Like hell would I be washing it all each time!!!

Yeah. This is unusual.

I think he saw you coming.

Does her mother know about these sleeping arrangements?

What do you have on the ground floor?

if you have decided to not switch rooms for a while, get a little night light with a sensor (can’t remember what they are called) that you can put in the en-suite so she doesn’t need to turn on the light. You could also use sleep mask and ear plugs.

I would also say she’ll be hitting tweenage
years in the next 1-3years. She won’t want to co-sleep and she’ll probably love to have her own floor. So just hang in there, OP.

Really DHs office should be where her bedroom is now, and she could have the whole top floor. You could have an area to get ready in his office in the morning.

If she has so many toys there is no space you might want to declutter some stuff.
I would also not be cleaning up her mess every time. She needs to be part of the family and that means helping and having chores. At the least tidying up her toys and keeping them in her room rather than everywhere. Think dad needs some parenting classes.

An 8 yr old should not need to be co-sleeping with her dad. And it really makes sense for her to be using the guest room so she can use the bathroom on that floor.

Exactly - in the timeline of human existence I wonder what proportion of people and for how many years have we insisted on babies and children sleeping on their own? I'm not saying we should all be co-sleeping if it doesn't suit the family but to say it's abnormal shows no awareness at all.

Yeah he needs to lose the mancave.

I cant believe football tat is being given precedence over a woman's sleep qualityband a little girls privacy and dignity - I'm sure she'd rather not use a toilet in a room withher stepmother in it too.

You need to reconfigure this hosue with each of you on seperate floors, or move.

I think everyone stops using the en-suite. Just for person in that room. This is not selfish. You sound like a lovely step parent imo

You can't have a guest room with no bathroom access either.

What a silly layout for a house.

Could you slice a bit off the biggest room and put a loo in there? That would solve all problems.

If not, I would use the top floor for bedrooms - yours and DD/cosleeping, with bathroom between you.
The middle floor would be guest room/dressing room (biggest room) and hobby room/office (with ensuite) so that no one would ever be woken at 3 am by someone coming through their room for a wee.

Is every bathroom an en suite there's no stand alone one?

I don't think the price of the house is relevant. However you seem to be paying half & getting only about 1/4 use of the house.

I also find it odd that they share a double bed. I don't think there's anything inappropriate but it just seems a bit OTT at 8 years.

I think she needs to be on same floor as family bathroom. Then DP office on same floor as you & guest bedroom on top floor too. If DH is co-sleeping then she's not alone anyway.

I wouldn't want someone coming into room & switching lights on in the middle of the night. My kids literally never get up in the middle of the night so not sure why she is up & down all the time.

It's nice he treats her well & shows he is being a good Dad but it does seem a bit much.

This bit struck me:

I could start sleeping in the guest room when she is round so I am less disturbed but it creates more laundry having to wash between guests and if I'm honest I'd feel pushed out of my own bedroom as I know they would then sleep in the main bedroom and she tends to leave things lying around for me then to clear up.

Why would things left lying around be for YOU to clear up? Why is her father not capable of clearing up? Why are YOU doing the extra laundry?

I think you should indeed retreat to the guest bedroom when she stays and have a strong word with your partner about dealing with any extra work this creates.

I’m not saying it’s wrong for a father to co sleep but I also don’t think it’s so wrong for it to set alarm bells off either.

Ideally, this little girl needs to see that it’s also normal for her dad to sleep with his partner. It will not be healthy for him to only sleep in her room, every night, in a double bed designed for them both.

She's not going to want to have to come through your room to get to the bathroom when she's a little older. I'd have hated that already at her age. And swapping her into the ensuite room means she's just having her sleep disturbed if you go in there.

I don't really get the problem people have with bedrooms and bathrooms on different floors, but most people seem to agree it's a problem.

So unless you or she can adapt and use the stairs at night - and assuming guests are the same boat - you're going to need two bedrooms upstairs, and the ensuite on the middle level. You could swap DH's office to the ground floor and use that biggest bedroom as a lounge? Or is there any way to give yourselves more flexibility with another entrance to the ensuite?

Her coming in at 3am really isn't the only problem here, though things get a lot simpler if anyone is willing to climb the stairs to the bathroom at night. You need to make plans and may as well do it now rather than grit your teeth for the next few years.

Why is DP sharing a bed with his 8 year old DD? Does her DM know this is going on?

I think the co-sleeping is a red herring and not really related to the problems you're having.

The key issue is a house layout problem - the biggest bedroom (your dsd's) doesn't have a toilet on the same floor apart from your en suite. The most obvious (although most expensive!) solution is to add an en suite to her bedroom. Done - problem solved 🙂

If no funds for that, or you're not keen, then move dsd upstairs so she is on the same floor as the family bathroom.

Is this a relationship or are you just unpaid childcare?

Yep I’d swap her room ASAP so she is on the same floor as the bathroom. Your dressing room goes down to first floor. Use it as a chance for a clear out if her room is heaving. This is 50% your house OP but doesn’t seem like it!!!

Also he needs to be transitioning out of co sleeping really. How about he stays with her until she falls asleep but then comes back to your room? Or puts in a night light? Or he sleeps in same room but not same bed for a while and gradually moves out of there (could you get a guest bed in there for the transition period)

I think it's unusual for an 8 year old to be up in the night to go to the toilet. I think there are other problems here.
On another note these "town houses" often have a very poor layout. I would suggest that you get more of a share though, if you paid 50-50.

THIS
Your situation emphasises the challenges of step parenting OP
Wishing you all well