Really not interested in SDD

[Flobobo]

Probably going to get a flaming but genuinely I am just not that interested in my SDD age 6.

I have my own DD (16) been with DH 4 years, married 1. No kids between us.

It doesn’t help that DH and his family treat SDD like she is the first 6 yr old to ever exist, they even have a dedicated WhatsApp’s group to her where they all just go on about how amazing she is.

In truth, she is a regular 6 yr old, and actually can be quite spiteful to my DD in what she says and does to her.

I am kind to her, buy her things, take her out, involve her with my animals etc but the constant over the topness is nauseating tbh.

I know I’m being harsh but how do I deal with it?!

Nothing you can do except protect your own dd from any spitefulness or nastiness.

I would not tolerate that .

What - if anything- does your dh do when she is spiteful and nasty to your 16 year old?

It’s all very ‘oh she is only 6’.

Occasionally if it is blatant then he will tell her no, but he is typical of ‘I don’t get to see her much so don’t want to spend all my time telling her off’ 🙄

Your DH needs to step up and parent his daughter properly.

The child can honestly do no wrong.

right now he is wrapping Christmas pressies with her knowing almost full well she will immediately come and tell us what he has got us all, happens every time and he just laughs it off because ‘she needs to be included in the things I do’.

I have a DD so it’s not like Iv never parented before (although it was 10 years ago) lol but I’m seen to be an ogre if I suggested toning it down a bit with her or even just some slight discipline!

It’s all SDD’s world we are all just living in it 🙄

In truth, she is a regular 6 yr old, and actually can be quite spiteful to my DD in what she says and does to her.

She’s a six-year-old who from the sounds of things probably feels like she has “lost” her dad to a new wife (who has never had much affection for her) and stepsister. I can’t imagine anything she says or does could have a major effect on a teenager.

You seem to have taken against her largely because of the actions of other adults, which is rather childish. No wonder she lashes out.

Reading between the lines it sounds like you actually have a dh problem - him not parenting the way you want him to - and your frustration is being redirected towards your sd.

Yep - you have married a typical Disney dad.
What does your dd think of him?

Your child is having spiteful things done and said to her, this is not in any way acceptable. It's your choice to be with such a shit man but it should not be hurting your child.

Your DH needs to step up and parent properly - SD should be guided not given excuses due to her age, what happens when she's 7, 10, grown up ... would he teach her then ... nope as too late

That’s quite a large age gap between your daughter and step daughter, what is it exactly your step daughter is doing that is spiteful?

Small children absolutely can be spiteful, even to those older than them, but it’s hard to offer advice without some context.

It might be the age. I have SK's and felt this way, thankfully it's calmed down since they've gotten older.

I personally don't get that involved with SK's anymore. I felt it was better that way as I didn't want to be stepping on their Mum's toes and I felt like nothing I did was appreciated.

Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen quite honestly. She's been in your life since she was 2?.

Surely this was clear way before you got married ?

The whatsapp group etc sounds nauseating but really not her fault. I'd just keep doing what you're doing. Civil and caring but not ott

She only ever known life with a parent-figure who’s not that interested in her. Doesn’t really do much for the emotional development.

She is very young. You got into a relationship with her father when she was one or two years old, is that correct? Has she had her own time with him regularly since then, or have you and your DD usually been present during his contact time?

You sound as if you really don’t like her much and as if you resent how much she is loved by her grandparents. Does your DD dislike her too?

Have you ever bonded with her? She was tiny when you got together.

Is it her behaviour, his half arsed parenting or just that you’re well past this stage of parenting?

SDD was very young when we got together so I don’t think she recalls a life without me in it, but I take your point.

I do have affection for her and have done and do a lot for her, but she has been raised to think the world evolves around her and DH cannot see the potential issues with this.

Why doesn’t your DH see her more often? She can’t think it revolves around her that much, when she has a part-time father who isn’t attempting to have her 50% of the time.

She says thinks like ‘your braces make your mouth ugly’, ‘you are not pretty’ things like that -
She went in my DD’s room and see all her Christmas presents for her friends and dad etc and kicked off because they were not for her when DD asked her to leave, SDD kicked all the presents ripping some of the paper, this really upset DD who has bought and prepared them all herself.

petty I know she is 6 but it runs unchecked!

So you actually have a DH problem, and any issues you might find with your SD are generated by him and his wider family.

Focus your attention on the real problem rather than blaming a child who by your DH's own admission doesn't get to see her father all that much. From her perspective she sees that you (and presumably her step-sister) get to spend more time with him than she does.

The spiteful behaviour is not desirable, but also not all that unusual in a six-year-old, as they are at an age where they are experimenting with how they can gain control and have an effect in the world.

Explain to your daughter that your SD is 'testing the water' as little children do, and that although it's unpleasant, the mature way to respond is to gently say "Hey, that's not a very nice thing to say to me. I won't play with you if you're going to speak to me like that." (Or whatever kind of response is appropriate for the situation.)

ETA The kicking of the presents should have had some kind of consequence for her - did this happen? She should have been sat down, talked to about why it's not appropriate behaviour, made to apologise and received some kind of consequence like loss of screen time or a treat.

Children learn what you teach them and if she isn't being given any guidance around her behaviour you can hardly expect her to behave appropriately. Again, this would be a DH problem.

My sister treats her kids the same, it's ridiculously annoying. She'll tell the kids cousins off but when someone says the same to hers (like the other night, out for a meal, nephews were playing near the table. We were in a room alone so not bothering anyone or being destructive,) yet when our mum told her son to stop running into the next room, (where others were eating their meals,) she said to just leave him alone, he's 'just burning energy off'.

Your poor daughter getting that said about her braces is horrible, she's likely self conscious about them as it is, without a child belittling her for them, with no one parenting her. You have my sympathy OP.

SD sounds jealous and envious of DD. It must be hard for her. The situation is hard for you too, but you had a choice and she doesn't.

Honestly I completely relate my SDD is similar age and my god you would think she is the only child to ever exist her mum is extremely smothering and DP just goes along with anything she says it's insufferable really winds me up but if I ever talk to him about it he just thinks it's because I'm jealous which I absolutely am not

He has always had her the same 3 nights one week, 4 the next. He does a lot with her because I work EOW so most weekends he spends just them.

I absolutely do not resent her grandparents love for her, my DD has 2 sets of grandparents who love her very much. And SDD tbh.

My DD likes her but again the age gap is so large they don’t have a lot in common but she does play with her and do the horses with her etc