Really not interested in SDD

[Flobobo]

Probably going to get a flaming but genuinely I am just not that interested in my SDD age 6.

I have my own DD (16) been with DH 4 years, married 1. No kids between us.

It doesn’t help that DH and his family treat SDD like she is the first 6 yr old to ever exist, they even have a dedicated WhatsApp’s group to her where they all just go on about how amazing she is.

In truth, she is a regular 6 yr old, and actually can be quite spiteful to my DD in what she says and does to her.

I am kind to her, buy her things, take her out, involve her with my animals etc but the constant over the topness is nauseating tbh.

I know I’m being harsh but how do I deal with it?!

Stepdaughter sounds like a rude, spoiled, unboundaried child - hideously indulged by her father as he is a hopeless father.

Saying those things to a much older child is so cheeky!
she sounds{with her spoiled behaviour} quite an unlikeable child, and your husband isn't helping her here.

You’re not toxic, jealous or bitter and your SD and DD are not siblings. The behaviour is unacceptable. Your DH is a useless father when it comes to teaching valuable lessons. I don’t think he will change and your expectations of how to parent don’t seem unreasonable in fact pretty standard.

I think you have a choice to make, stay put up and shut up or leave because him being a decent parent who raises a well rounded kind young lady isn’t on the table.

The stepdaughter on no uncertain terms needs to be disciplined around the rough treatment of animals.

She sounds an unpleasant little madam, pushing and shoving ponies around, and shouting at dogs.

I have seen some really odious behaviour to ponies from spoiled brats, and called it out every time.

Your step-daughter is the product of her upbringing. Your husband's parenting is weak and half-arsed. Your step-daughter doesn't know any different. She's used to getting away with poor behaviour with no consequences. Unfortunately, if your husband doesn't start disciplining his daughter, by the time she's a teenager, you're going to have a nightmare on your hands!!

DH and his family treat SDD like she is the first 6 yr old to ever exist, they even have a dedicated WhatsApp’s group to her where they all just go on about how amazing she is

I'm sure when your own daughter was young you thought she was pretty amazing as well. This isn't at all unusual particularly when it comes to an only child.

Have you thought about why this bothers you so much? It really has nothing to do with you. You sound resentful. Do you feel like your husband should make a bigger fuss over your daughter?

If the 6 year old is saying mean things to your daughter then she should be told that she's being rude and unkind. Kids that age often say mean things but they need to (calmly) be told that it's not acceptable.

She is going to be a right character when she is a teenager.
Buckle up if you are still in this marriage. 🤣🤣🤣

This is only going in one direction only.

Worse. It'll get worse, none of the adults around her will parent her and she will get worse and worse. Your resentment for your husband will grow.

It is a shame for you that you didn't spot that you weren't cut out for step parenting with a useless father before you married one.

Most of us aren't I don't think, but those lucky enough to realise it simply don't date men with young children.

At least you've spotted it now.

I'd split up with him tbh, or at least live separately. On the basis that it's not going to be fixed for the next what 15 years. Your dd will be happier for it.

Not sure if you know there is a fairly famous 1950s film called All About Eve. So depending on who named the group (grandparents?) this could be nothing more than a play on the title. Especially if she has a name similar to Eve or that fits the sound pattern of the title eg All About Ella or All About Annie.

You’re really going to come out swinging at a six-year-old who has clearly never had decent parenting?

I suppose this goes hand in hand with her behaviour.

For example she starting to hang up the phone on people, so she would grab her dads phone if he was talking to his parents or whoever and just press the red button, they all think this is adorable and hilarious l?! I mean, really? Maybe the first time it’s funny if it’s Nan but to keep doing it is just naughty, he was talking to a bloke that works for him once and she did it (phone was on loudspeaker as he was looking for something), he just laughed and phoned him back…I mean what?!

It's not petty at all - she sounds like a nasty little brat.

What did you/your dh do when she did/said these things? What were the repercussions? I'd go apeshit.

He's not dealing with her. THAT'S THE POINT 🤦🏻‍♀️

If they live in a house together and there is poor behaviour, it affects everyone and the DH is incapable or unwilling to see this and parent his child

You have a real DH problem here and it is impacting your daughter and your SD because letting her go unchecked isn’t going to do her any favours either as she get older at school

he was talking to a bloke that works for him once and she did it (phone was on loudspeaker as he was looking for something), he just laughed and phoned him back…I mean what?!

She does it because she gets a positive reaction; your husband thinks it's funny!

It's really unfair to blame a young child because her father is unwilling or unable to act like a parent. He's the problem.

Your problem is you have married an ineffectual man who is failing his daughter.

If a child does something like hang up the phone and the adults laugh then they will do it again...surprising to see how many people are ready to talk down a six year old over normal kid stuff. Especially one who is living with a step parent who is so negative about her. Maybe her Dad let's her get away with stuff because he also picks up that her step mum does not treat his daughter in same as her own

I wouldn't be having this and, while you might not feel comfortable parenting her, you can still advocate and defend your own DD.

In this instance I would have sat both girls down and told SD quite sternly that it was unkind of her to kick DDs presents and that you, as DDs mother, are very unhappy about it and will not tolerate that behaviour in your house or against your DD again.

Give her the opportunity to apologise to your DD and, if she does then it's done. If she doesn't then strategically take your DD out for a treat and leave SD at home with her father so she understands there are consequences for her actions.

That way, you're not parenting her as such, just being clear about your boundaries as DD's mum.

Exactly, why would she think there’s anything wrong with what she’s doing when her dad treats cheekiness as if it’s a huge joke!

Very mean of people to call her a brat when she is being taught by her own father that her behaviour is perfectly fine!

Yep, @CheekyHobson if her Dad isn’t teaching her what is/isn’t acceptable behavior, it’s only going to hurt her. I can see her being excluded from play dates, for example. if she does silly things and is unkind to people’s pets, etc.

Being a Disney Dad is unfair on her.

You have a DH problem but instead of blaming him you're blaming a child

As your husband thinks she is so amazing (as we all do with our own kids)
Suggest to your husband he takes her to all the amazing places she would love but it needs to be just them for bonding time. Then relax at home with your daughter whilst he is off doing all these things. Eg I suggested my partner take his son to the snow dome in Milton Keynes as he desperately wants to go there. My partner clearly can't be bothered as he hasn't taken him! But hopefully your partner will take the time to do things which will make her happy, give her some time with her dad and will give you some peace and quiet.

Be nice all the time but really come down hard on her if she is spiteful to your daughter. Explain nicely once so she understands but then make it clear that's the one thing that won't be tolerated. It won't do her any favours growing up thinking she can be spiteful to people. Make it clear to your husband as well that's the one thing that won't be tolerated then tell her off every time.

You’re not suitable to be in this little girl’s life.

Many 6 year olds are rude, hard to manage at times. We can tolerate a lot because they are our own children - but when they are someone else’s children it grates far more.

My youngest is 6 and my eldest is 15. All of my children have been a mixture of lovely and kind to each other - but plenty of being cruel and spiteful. It was the same in my family growing up. Eventually children mature and generally their behaviour gets a bit more reasonable

@SuperSleepyBaby I’m sure that you let them know when their behavior isn’t ok though, so they learn to respect other people’s belongings, how to treat animals, and generally be well-mannered. That’s the issue here, her Dad isn’t teaching those life skills. It’s unfair on her.

I don’t think it’s about step parenting at all. It’s about you having a different (normal) approach to parenting and about the stage as well.
My sister had the same tendency with her grandson - he can do whatever he wants and he is so special (he is a bit older than your DSD) . I just can’t tolerate this kind of approach and didn’t practice this with my DD. And listening unrealistic things always irritates me. Plus the age gap (my DD 12 years older) so I’m on a completely different stage and don’t really got excited about little kids.
Luckily we don’t visit often so it’s mostly phone conversations, of course I listen my sister talking about her grandson achievements because I love her and him and I’m interested but not SO interested if it makes sense.

Could you put a lock on DD’s bedroom by the way? She needs privacy

You have started to focus on her behaviour towards your DD now but your original post title was about the fact that you are really not interested in her.

This little girl lives with you almost half the time and tells you that she loves you and you say it back, but actually you are “really not interested” in her and feel that her own family shouldn’t think she is great and talk about her achievements to each other, as she is “just a regular 6 year old”. Do you realise how cold you sound? She isn’t just a “regular 6 year old” to her own family, and rightly so.

Her father has commented that you don’t show much excitement when she does well at something. I’m not surprised she has behaviour problems. If you knew that you were “one and done” then why on earth did you get with a man with a toddler and then marry him, knowing that she would be living with you part of the time ?