Really not interested in SDD

[Flobobo]

Probably going to get a flaming but genuinely I am just not that interested in my SDD age 6.

I have my own DD (16) been with DH 4 years, married 1. No kids between us.

It doesn’t help that DH and his family treat SDD like she is the first 6 yr old to ever exist, they even have a dedicated WhatsApp’s group to her where they all just go on about how amazing she is.

In truth, she is a regular 6 yr old, and actually can be quite spiteful to my DD in what she says and does to her.

I am kind to her, buy her things, take her out, involve her with my animals etc but the constant over the topness is nauseating tbh.

I know I’m being harsh but how do I deal with it?!

This is 100% a crap husband problem.

I have three girls are they are all spiteful to each other at times.

If you honestly can’t see a way to work through your resentment then leave as it’s not fair on none of you. The SD is not going anywhere and her family are not going to stop treating her like that so it’s only down to you to manage your own adult behaviour.

Thank you for your response.

No, DD didn’t tell me until a few hours after, so the moment has gone but DH felt that she was ‘just being 6 because at her mums all the presents will be for her so that’s all she knows’ 🙄

I do have a DH problem! We are all expected to just laugh it off and if we don’t then we are just being mean

Life is too short to be putting up with this kind of shit. I know that's not really helpful but you have a massive DH problem.

Your DSD will continue to behave this way and your options are put up and shut up or hope she magically grows out of it.... If you complain to her DF you will be seen as jealous or petty. All while your own child suffers. Will your DH sort the behaviour out? Realistically? When all his family think she's the second coming? I've seen step parents painted as the villains in these scenarios too many times to know how this goes.

I think a bit of all of this.

We do have a bond, she tells me all the time she loves me and I tell her back.

She can be really sweet.

But yes I think I am wayyyy passed this stage of parenting

You have a massive DH problem. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that your SDD is the issue - she’s a product of her fathers parenting.

It doesn’t sound like he is going to get any better, and issues will simply get harder to deal with the older she gets.

This is a hill I’d die on with DH as this is everyone’s life for the next decade+ !

step parenting and blended families aren’t always easy when you’re on the same page, but they’re impossible when your DH is like yours.

I’d also be losing all affection for my DH if he was being such a shit parent. He’s setting his daughter up for absolute failure by spoiling her and not teaching her the basics of being a decent person. That’s one of a parents most important jobs.

He has always had her the same 3 nights one week, 4 the next. He does a lot with her because I work EOW so most weekends he spends just them.

Right, so he actually has her 50/50? He needs to quit with the "But I don't get to see her much so I'll just let her run wild when I do" nonsense.

I didn't have much sympathy for you from your first post (and I still think this is not so much that she is an inherently dislikeable child as it is a young girl growing up in an environment that isn't supporting her to behave appropriately) but the more you write, the more evident it is that your husband is kind of a 'Disney dad' who wants the fun bits of parenting but none of the hard work.

@Flobobo
OP
Given the presents incident you mentioned, I would get your daughter a lock on the door asap.
If SD and DH kick off about it, just tell him that's the consequence of him not telling her off earlier.

they even have a dedicated WhatsApp’s group to her where they all just go on about how amazing she is

that’s disturbing

It does sound grating.
But I think it’s fine that you are kind and civil without being that interested in her - sounds like she has enough people that are!

mwahaha....you both have only childs?? I have 2 biological daughters, a bit of name calling is nothing. for years they were at loggerheads, all the damn time. they would physically fight each other, it was relentless. they are 20 and 16 now and best friends. I think siblings being mean to each other is pretty normal (does she have half siblings at her mum's?)

this is why I never remarried, I couldn't bare a partner disliking/resenting my kids. which isn't helpful to you at all I realise. if I was married to you and I knew that you felt like that about my kid, we would split up

I really don’t understand why you got in to a relationship and married this man if you so despised his daughter. It sounds like the height of selfishness to me to involve yourself in the life of a child you dislike so much. I cannot for the life of me understand why you didn’t walk away. If this was a woman and her child a man was posing about the man would be flamed and told “they come as a package” “her parenting is nothing to do with you” etc.

Oh come on.

It's just a group to share news about her DH's child/grandchild so inevitably the talk will be positive "Isn't that a lovely photo of her" "Didn't she do well in her latest hobby competition" "She was a little star at the ballet performance" blah blah blah.

Completely normal and not "disturbing". The only real problem here is that she has a father who is overly permissive and doesn't "do" discipline.

The issue isn't with SDD. She is a 6 year old little girl who can probably sense some resentment from you and feels angry/upset that she has to share her dad. These are normal emotions for a young child. She probably can't name what name what she's feeling or why, so she targets your daughter.

The issue is with DHs parenting. He needs to parent his child. 6 year olds can be spiteful and mean. It's not about shaming her. It's about setting boundaries and helping her grow into a kind adult.

You and your daughter are also within your rights to correct this behaviour. It doesn't need to involve shouting. Just a reminder to not use words that might hurt someone and a reflection on how she would feel. If she continues then there needs to be a consequence related to the situation.

Target your anger at the adults, not this poor girl. She's 6 and her brain is still developing. She needs gentle guidance, not snarky comments about how adults think the world revolves around her. It is also normal for kids this age to only see their worldview and think about their wants and needs. Our capacity to understand others thoughts and feelings is a mature skill. She's still learning empathy, not being spiteful for the sake of it.

The problem is your dh and his inability to parent. It's not something I could put up with but you need to decide whether it's worth it or not

I agree. I don't think there is 'a dh problem's or that the family WhatsApp group is weird. the only issue is that OP doesn't like her step kid.

I think you need to be honest with your DH so he can make a decision about whether he wants to keep putting his daughter in this situation

In 10 years you’ll be going through the mid teen years again while your own DD is a full formed independent adult with her own life. How does that feel?

You don’t think the DH doing nothing about “when DD asked her to leave, SDD kicked all the presents ripping some of the paper, this really upset DD who has bought and prepared them all herself.” suggests a DH problem?

That kind of failure to parent is absolutely a problem

This sounds like an awful situation for everyone, mostly the little girl. I don't care how badly behaved she is or how done with it you are, you need to get yourself away from her because you sound toxic.

I don't think OP can/should control how her DH parents, particularly given that she doesn't like the child.

siblings fight, she's a little kid, it doesn't need dramatic parental intervention every time someone's feelings get hurt

I agree with @ACatNamedRobin, your DD needs a lock on her door.

Your DH and his family aren’t doing his DD any favors by not setting boundaries, she’s going to get a shock when she realizes that the rest of the world won’t tolerate her behavior.

Given the age gap, I’d keep sticking up for your DD and let her know that she can walk away if her SD is playing up, she doesn’t need to tolerate bad behavior.

You're upset because a 6 year old is "mean" to a 16 year old?

Come on, OP.

😂😂😂

Siblings do fight, and I agree that they shouldn’t intervene every time.

its frankly ridiculous though to suggest that a 6 year old shouldn’t be pulled up for deliberately kicking Christmas presents. That’s just nonsense.

You have a DH problem not a SD problem

Honestly it’s called - ‘All about SDD’