DSD reports house changes to her bio mother

[mothernotsuperior]

I moved into the house that my partner and his ex-wife bought together. They had broken up before we met, so there's no issue there. She has moved out, and they have equal custody, so the kids go between the houses week in and week out. I get along with them very well. Since I moved in, we started working on the house and changed pretty much everything. Recently, we totally refurbished the bathroom, which was the last remaining room that hadn't changed since his ex lived here.

Now, AIBU... One of the kids keeps filming and taking photos and sends them to the ex so she can see what we have done to the place. Almost every little change is reported to her mother. I find it very invasive and nosy. I know it was her house before, but she shouldn't ask the kids about the updates (I assume she does, as she is a very nosy person). Should I leave it or address it with DSD?

Yes , I find it curious. My step children's mum is their mum. I can't imagine feeling the need to make myself feel better by diminishing her to "bio mum" or "birth mum".

Are you paying for renovations on a house you don't own, OP?

I think you’re all giving it far too much headspace and it’s curious you dedicate so much energy into trying to warp it to fit your narrative.

Sounds like a difficult situation for DSD. This was her home with her parents and now her mum's gone and you are there.

Is it? No one seems to be able to explain why they "need" to add the descriptor though?

They don’t need to explain it to you. Why do you feel you are owed an explanation?

Who cares honestly. So the ex wife knows what her old house looks like now. And that matters because...?

When we moved in her scs mum came to pick them up and ss announces 'come in, I'll give you the tour' she asked if I minded, why would I?? We were upside down and half unpacked but at least she knows where her dc are sleeping and dss was so proud of himself being a tour guide. Kids can and often do report everything back, often with embellishments. When we go on hols as a blended family the other parents get a guided facetime of the accommodation, my dc are the same when they go with their dad whether I want to see it or not! I hear about every row, every telling off but also the lovely things too. Maybe you're worried the ex will have a negative opinion but so what? He's with you now you're creating your own life together, why do you care about this honestly?

I don't feel I am "owed one" . I am just fascinated that noone can give one.

I gave one - you just didn’t like it. Stop pretending you’re waiting for an epiphany when really you just want more reason to criticise someone else’s choice you disagree with.

If my XH ever gets a new partner I hope she cares for my kids, you've been very gracious here. FWIW I'd love the kids to stop telling me what goes on at their dads house, partly because I have zero interest, partly because it's mostly the nasty things he says about me and I can do without hearing then But I expect you have a better idea of her motives then random people on MN and if this is par for the course I could see why it could feel like the last straw to you.

Is there something deeper going on here?

Ultimately, you’re upset that a child who isn’t yours is filing a house that also doesn’t appear to be yours?

Really weird controlling if children to say they can't film inside their own homes.

Honestly I think it’s much better when a blended family starts again with a new house and avoids these kind of dynamics. Otherwise there are some members of the family who never feel like it’s fully their home, especially when both parents have children, and a former partner who still sometimes feels like they have a claim on the house/relationship to it. Sell the house and start again if you can.

Your new bf moved you into what was this child's family home. That must have been a huge upheaval for her. So what if she's telling her mum what's happening, children shouldn't be encouraged to have secrets from their mother.

When you say 'we' are working on the house do you mean your name is now on the deeds and you are contributing equally to the work, or are you contributing without having any share in the house. If the latter be very careful you don't end up paying for a house that you might eventually be moved out of.

OP, how long have you and your DP been together/ living together? This is one of many things that you are likely going to have to compromise on when being a SM. Of course nobody would choose to have photos of their home sent to their DPs ex, but equally, it’s only natural that your DSD will want to share information about each of her homes with the other parent. Trying to prevent her from sharing things with her mum is only going to make moving between the houses more difficult for her. If it’s any consolation, there’s a chance that she would prefer to have both parents back in just the one house, but she doesn’t have a choice about that.

Your posts about whether DSDs mum is or isn’t requesting her to send videos are a bit unclear. But regardless of whether she is or isn’t, it’s not surprising that DSD wants to share information with her mum. My DC will regally send me photos and videos of the pet at their dads (and same with the pets here). I’ve never asked them to, but of course I express happiness when they do to show them that I care about both of the homes.

Gently, if this is something that is causing you a lot of stress, then you may need to seriously consider what you want from this relationship long term. If you were to get married, and / or have a baby how would you feel about your DSD sharing photos of her new baby sibling, or her as a bridesmaid at your wedding? What about if you go on holiday with the DSCs and she wants to send some holiday photos with her mum?

I wouldn't enjoy it, but you've chosen to live in the former family/marital home - these kids have memories of the old place with their mum there and will be processing the changes and the emotions associated with them, which involve their mum, so don't assume it's all her instigated the changes. Maybe it's them wanting to talk about them with her. It's a weird situation for everyone but you have to accept it's their home too and has been for longer than it's been yours.

I see bio mum as an adoption thing and personally prefer mum but it’s accepted convention on some other forums.

I understand that we may not understand why you don’t like the photos / videos but you can’t really stop the kids from filming/photographing in your home unless you are a time traveller from the 90s when photographs were done on dedicated cameras. The kids might be the ones wanting to show what the renovations look like because they like the choices that you’ve made.

@mothernotsuperior I sincerely hope your name's on the deeds otherwise you're merely a lodger. I'd be more concerned about this than pics being shared.

It may have been hers 'first' but it's not her's anymore.

Why should she be on the deeds when it's not her house?

@strawberrysea
It may have been hers 'first' but it's not her's anymore.

And it's not OPs house either by the looks of it, it is the DCs home though and has been a lot longer than OP has been around

Should I leave it or address it with DSD?

I think filming it is pretty much just war kids do nowadays. You could say explain to her that you find it intrusive and that you would prefer it if she didn't. What does your partner say about it?

To all the women on this thread defending the rights of the children to film and send everything to their mother - would you be genuinely ok with your children filming you / your house / your things and reporting back to their father/your ex all of this information? Would you be defending it as rigorously, or would you perhaps see it for the invasion of privacy that it could be where some gentle boundaries might need putting in place?

Of course they wouldn't!

She said she has lived there for a long time and that they are both renovating the house. For me it would have to be marriage or my name on the deeds.