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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSD reports house changes to her bio mother

139 replies

mothernotsuperior · 09/12/2024 17:52

I moved into the house that my partner and his ex-wife bought together. They had broken up before we met, so there's no issue there. She has moved out, and they have equal custody, so the kids go between the houses week in and week out. I get along with them very well. Since I moved in, we started working on the house and changed pretty much everything. Recently, we totally refurbished the bathroom, which was the last remaining room that hadn't changed since his ex lived here.

Now, AIBU... One of the kids keeps filming and taking photos and sends them to the ex so she can see what we have done to the place. Almost every little change is reported to her mother. I find it very invasive and nosy. I know it was her house before, but she shouldn't ask the kids about the updates (I assume she does, as she is a very nosy person). Should I leave it or address it with DSD?

OP posts:
froginawell · 09/12/2024 17:54

Why shouldn't a child be able to show her parent where she spends her time/lives?

I have a terrible relationship with ex-husband, but always welcomed him into the house if the kids wanted to show him some changes/a big present/whatever.

Original poster
mothernotsuperior · 09/12/2024 18:11

No problem there with showing where the child lives, I agree it's important for bio partner to know. I'm having an issue with the ex asking to show all the steps of the renovating all the time, bit weird. I said to DSD to invite her mother to have a look, but she never came and instead small changes are filmed and sent to her.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 09/12/2024 18:13

I would find this invasive as well.

Ponderingwindow · 09/12/2024 18:14

It is the child’s home and she has the right to share pictures and information about her own life.

it doesn’t matter if the ex is nosy or not, the important part is that the child’s freedom should not be restricted just because the parent’s are divorced.

Swissrollover · 09/12/2024 18:16

You initially said that you assumed she was asking, then stated that she was asking as a fact.

I understand it feels uncomfortable, but it's your SD's home. What does her Dad say or think about it?

ARichtGoodDram · 09/12/2024 18:19

How old is your DSD?

Are you sure the mum is asking?

My ex had go at me when his house was being refurbed when our girls were 8 as they kept sending me pics. I wasn't actually remotely interested in what wallpaper he'd chosen or his new bathroom, but my girls were excited so when they sent pics I said "oh how lovely" or when they were talking about the extension he was having (to give them a play space) I said "ooh exciting"

It was solely for their sakes

ChannelFiveDrama · 09/12/2024 18:21

Agree with PP. This has progressed from an assumption to a certainty in two posts.

Are you proposing to say something?

JingleB · 09/12/2024 18:23

Leave it. The girl can share whatever she likes with her own mum.

If it’s about changes in her house, isn’t it likely she feels pretty conflicted about her former family home being altered because a new woman has moved in?

It was this girl’s home long before it was yours. If she wants to record changes and talk to her mum or her friends or Great Aunt Gladys, that’s entirely up to her.

Mickey79 · 09/12/2024 18:24

Doubtful that the ex is bothered . More likely she is acting interested for her daughter’s benefit.

Pandasnacks · 09/12/2024 18:26

Of course her mum is curious about her former home and the place her DD lives, I can't see any issue with it. It's not just your home, and it's been the DDs home for a lot longer than it's been yours, definitely not something to take an issue with.

SometimesCalmPerson · 09/12/2024 18:29

You mean she’s showing her Mm what it’s like where she’s staying with her Dad?

Its her home too and she has every right to take pictures and show them to her mum if she wants to.

HeddaGarbled · 09/12/2024 18:33

Oh well, it was their family home first. Don’t you ever look at the Rightmove listing for houses you used to live in and go “ooh, look, they’ve put in a new kitchen” etc?

I think this is probably just one of the downsides of being the new girlfriend moving into the old family home. No chance of moving, I suppose?

soupfiend · 09/12/2024 18:33

Yes the daughter has the right to show mum about her living environment.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 09/12/2024 18:34

She's probably just curious. I love knowing what people have done to our old homes etc.

Flossflower · 09/12/2024 18:35

YABU. It is her Mum not her bio Mum.

VeryQuaintIrene · 09/12/2024 18:35

Cut the poor child some slack - she is probably dealing with lots of divided loyalties. I was that child once (not the photos but the situation) and my sympathies are entirely with her.

WickedlyCharmed · 09/12/2024 18:37

It’s weird, and if mum isn’t asking your SD to do this, she should gently shut it down.

She needs to tell SD that just like she wouldn’t like videos of her house being taken specifically for the purpose of being shown to you and her ex-husband, SD should stop taking videos of her dads house to show her.

If someone doesn’t shut this down you end up with a situation like we have with my SIL, who at age 40 is still in the dynamic of running between mum and dad, reporting to each of them when the other one so much as farts.

SunQueen24 · 09/12/2024 18:37

This is really intrusive, it’s not like she’s doing it out of excitement but more likely to provide ammo for her mum. I don’t know what you can do about it - bar shut down conversations but I can see why it makes you feel uncomfortable. Home should be a safe place and sanctuary which you share with whom you chose.

TheHeadOfTheHouse · 09/12/2024 18:38

I wouldn't like this.

my dd is not allowed to film in our home without asking permission first. This is because there has been numerous occasions were she had been filming silly stuff with her friends and our conversations were overheard in the background.

She’s also not allowed to FaceTime friends in family rooms, only in her bedroom with the door shut.

my home is private, i don't want people knowing what it looks like inside unless i invite them in.

steelingmyself · 09/12/2024 18:38

This would bug me as well but there's nothing you can do about it.

Pandasnacks · 09/12/2024 18:39

SunQueen24 · 09/12/2024 18:37

This is really intrusive, it’s not like she’s doing it out of excitement but more likely to provide ammo for her mum. I don’t know what you can do about it - bar shut down conversations but I can see why it makes you feel uncomfortable. Home should be a safe place and sanctuary which you share with whom you chose.

OP has moved into this child's home though, surely it should be the same for the DD? Also why are you assuming the child has ulterior motives and his doing this to harm OP in some way? OP said she gets on well with the kid.

TinyMouseTheatre · 09/12/2024 18:40

Do your DP and his exW still own the house together?

SaagAloopa · 09/12/2024 18:40

mothernotsuperior · 09/12/2024 17:52

I moved into the house that my partner and his ex-wife bought together. They had broken up before we met, so there's no issue there. She has moved out, and they have equal custody, so the kids go between the houses week in and week out. I get along with them very well. Since I moved in, we started working on the house and changed pretty much everything. Recently, we totally refurbished the bathroom, which was the last remaining room that hadn't changed since his ex lived here.

Now, AIBU... One of the kids keeps filming and taking photos and sends them to the ex so she can see what we have done to the place. Almost every little change is reported to her mother. I find it very invasive and nosy. I know it was her house before, but she shouldn't ask the kids about the updates (I assume she does, as she is a very nosy person). Should I leave it or address it with DSD?

I couldn't stand this. Especially as after I paid for a new kitchen the ex demanded money off DH and then me when he told her I'd paid. She's a right cheeky fucker. We banned videos to the kids bedrooms when they were younger.

AnyoneSomeone · 09/12/2024 18:41

Is it not the child's home too? The way you are framing this is the child is living in your house.

SunQueen24 · 09/12/2024 18:42

Pandasnacks · 09/12/2024 18:39

OP has moved into this child's home though, surely it should be the same for the DD? Also why are you assuming the child has ulterior motives and his doing this to harm OP in some way? OP said she gets on well with the kid.

Show quote history

Because that is absolutely not something you’d do if you were being polite.