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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSD reports house changes to her bio mother

139 replies

mothernotsuperior · 09/12/2024 17:52

I moved into the house that my partner and his ex-wife bought together. They had broken up before we met, so there's no issue there. She has moved out, and they have equal custody, so the kids go between the houses week in and week out. I get along with them very well. Since I moved in, we started working on the house and changed pretty much everything. Recently, we totally refurbished the bathroom, which was the last remaining room that hadn't changed since his ex lived here.

Now, AIBU... One of the kids keeps filming and taking photos and sends them to the ex so she can see what we have done to the place. Almost every little change is reported to her mother. I find it very invasive and nosy. I know it was her house before, but she shouldn't ask the kids about the updates (I assume she does, as she is a very nosy person). Should I leave it or address it with DSD?

OP posts:
kaela100 · 09/12/2024 18:42

Does the home still belong to ex-wife?

Pandasnacks · 09/12/2024 18:42

@SunQueen24 it's the kids home, she's not being impolite

Soontobe60 · 09/12/2024 18:42

Is there a reason why you didn't just buy a new house together? Has your DP put your name on the deeds or not?
This is his children’s home, the one they once lived in with their mum and dad but now have to share with their dad and his girlfriend. It must be really tough for them.

CatsBeCrazy · 09/12/2024 18:42

You won't win Op you're just a new gf . She's an ex wife ; she can be a intrusive , abusive etc as much she wants but if this was an ex husband getting his kid to do this the reply's would have been so much different

SunQueen24 · 09/12/2024 18:43

Pandasnacks · 09/12/2024 18:42

@SunQueen24 it's the kids home, she's not being impolite

I disagree.

Riapia · 09/12/2024 18:44

You’re making changes to the home she’s grown up in. The place she spent her young life.
Have ever wondered how this makes her feel?
Have you asked her opinion?
These things have more of an impact than we may realise.
Be gentle with her.

Arlanymor · 09/12/2024 18:44

Bio mum? I think you just mean ‘mum’ don’t you?

It’s the kid’s home, no different to her sharing photos with her mates of what changes have taken place over time is it? I don’t understand why you care? Or what odds it makes? It’s a house, not your knicker drawer.

TinyMouseTheatre · 09/12/2024 18:44

kaela100 · 09/12/2024 18:42

Does the home still belong to ex-wife?

That's what I'm thinking.

Pandasnacks · 09/12/2024 18:44

@SunQueen24 clearly, but even if the kid was being impolite it doesn't mean she's a bad kid spying to get the ex amo. Particularly when OP said there was no crossover and there is no issue. The coparenting is good so why is the kid evil?

SunQueen24 · 09/12/2024 18:46

@Pandasnacks reporting “every little change” is not normal and it’s intrusive. If OP wants to share her home with the ex she can invite her round to look herself.

Fargo79 · 09/12/2024 18:46

Bio mother? 🤢 She's their mother.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 09/12/2024 18:47

@mothernotsuperior

What is a bio mother ?

I have heard of mother - I am one

I have heard of adoptive mother - I am one
thus I have also heard of birth mother as that is the lady who gave birth to one of my children

and I have heard of step mother

Pandasnacks · 09/12/2024 18:50

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 09/12/2024 18:47

@mothernotsuperior

What is a bio mother ?

I have heard of mother - I am one

I have heard of adoptive mother - I am one
thus I have also heard of birth mother as that is the lady who gave birth to one of my children

and I have heard of step mother

I agree OP should say mother not bio mother. But everyone knows bio mother is biological mother.

Jennyathemall · 09/12/2024 18:51

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 09/12/2024 18:47

@mothernotsuperior

What is a bio mother ?

I have heard of mother - I am one

I have heard of adoptive mother - I am one
thus I have also heard of birth mother as that is the lady who gave birth to one of my children

and I have heard of step mother

How strange perhaps you should get out more.
biological mother vs step or adoptive mother - very common term and pretty easy to comprehend.

Itissunnysomewhere · 09/12/2024 18:53

It's her mother, not her "bio mother"

And these are probably exciting or interesting to her, so it seems reasonable she should share them with her mum. My daughter chatted to me about it a lot when her dad and step mums house was being renovated. I am sure my step children told their mum all about our new house and the renovations when we moved in

Jennyathemall · 09/12/2024 18:55

Yes it’s an invasion of privacy and either the her mum is putting her up to it or she’s doing it herself to stir the pot and the mother isn’t nipping it in the bud like she should. She needs to be spoken to about boundaries.

lunar1 · 09/12/2024 18:56

I constantly took pictures and videos when my home had a big renovation and showed them to anyone who would stay still long enough to look.

Georgyporky · 09/12/2024 18:58

I'd be annoyed if my own DC were filming my home & sharing it with anyone else.
It needs to stop, the Dad should step in.

Itissunnysomewhere · 09/12/2024 19:07

Georgyporky · 09/12/2024 18:58

I'd be annoyed if my own DC were filming my home & sharing it with anyone else.
It needs to stop, the Dad should step in.

It's what children do these days. It's hardly unusual..we know everything about a neighbour's house (or it feels like it!) because their DD kept filming it and my dsd kept telling us about the videos. The whole place was decorated inside and out with every possible passing fad... Mainly that awful grey colour.

Anyway, fair to talk about boundaries but I would also be sensible in how you react to her behaviour. My daughter chatted to me about her dad and step mums renovations because she was excited about them, not as a sign of disrespect to her step mum

Endofyear · 09/12/2024 19:20

The filming seems a bit over the top but I wouldn't get too worked up about it. If the bathroom is the last thing to be done, she won't be doing it much longer. Depending on the age of your SD I'd perhaps have a chat with her about privacy, for instance that you don't want any filming or photos taken of your bedroom.

AGoingConcern · 09/12/2024 19:24

Assuming no one was using the bathroom when it was filmed and your DSD isn’t taking pictures of your bedroom or knicker drawer, you need to let it go.

This has always been your DSD’s home. Changes to the common spaces are as much about her as they are about you, and she likely has far more mixed emotions about it. As long as your DSD isn’t taking videos of you or your personal possessions then just remind yourself that this is a child showing their parent changes that are going on in their life, and work through whatever defensiveness or anxiety is bubbling up on your own or with your DP. You would of course be fully reasonable to refuse to engage with any conversation about renovations with DSD’s mum.

Original poster
mothernotsuperior · 09/12/2024 19:26

Firstly, I would like to apologise for bio mum, I mean it, that was lame of me, as you can tell the filming is just some stupid issue that got to me eventually to post it here, but obviously there were more intrusive situations from the ex, so I think I feel resentment toward her and calling her bio mum I must have subconsciously demnishing her in here. I have reflected now about that, sorry to all mums. Sometimes DSC call me mum too, I have been raising them for many years now and a lots to make their life loving and full of adventures and events that they always remember, I feel love to them. But of course I'm not their mum.

No, they don't own this house together anymore, all was sorted before I appeared in his life.

Thank you for all your perspectives.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 09/12/2024 19:28

How old is DSD?

Ilovelurchers · 09/12/2024 19:41

mothernotsuperior · 09/12/2024 19:26

Firstly, I would like to apologise for bio mum, I mean it, that was lame of me, as you can tell the filming is just some stupid issue that got to me eventually to post it here, but obviously there were more intrusive situations from the ex, so I think I feel resentment toward her and calling her bio mum I must have subconsciously demnishing her in here. I have reflected now about that, sorry to all mums. Sometimes DSC call me mum too, I have been raising them for many years now and a lots to make their life loving and full of adventures and events that they always remember, I feel love to them. But of course I'm not their mum.

No, they don't own this house together anymore, all was sorted before I appeared in his life.

Thank you for all your perspectives.

Thank you - I was going to comment on 'bio mum" but this is a really gracious response. And it's great that these kids have a number of adults who love them.

To be honest, I think the kids showing their mom where they live is normal! I bought a new flat recently and have actively sent pictures of it to my exh (dd's dad) myself, as I expected him to be interested - and when he came round to help with a couple of jobs he was keen to see her room - totally normal i thought! When he mentions buying stuff for her room at his, or whatever, I ask to see pics. And I asked for a received pics of their Xmas tree recently!

None of us are being abusive or controlling in any way I don't think. We both love our daughter and when she is away from us it is nice to imagine where she is .....

SunQueen24 · 09/12/2024 19:55

BM is totally normal to provide context OP. Everyone on MN jumps on it.