DSD reports house changes to her bio mother

[mothernotsuperior]

I moved into the house that my partner and his ex-wife bought together. They had broken up before we met, so there's no issue there. She has moved out, and they have equal custody, so the kids go between the houses week in and week out. I get along with them very well. Since I moved in, we started working on the house and changed pretty much everything. Recently, we totally refurbished the bathroom, which was the last remaining room that hadn't changed since his ex lived here.

Now, AIBU... One of the kids keeps filming and taking photos and sends them to the ex so she can see what we have done to the place. Almost every little change is reported to her mother. I find it very invasive and nosy. I know it was her house before, but she shouldn't ask the kids about the updates (I assume she does, as she is a very nosy person). Should I leave it or address it with DSD?

That's actually true. We don't.

I think lots of people use the word "boundaries" when actually they mean "control".

Very much so on Mumsnet in general. The word boundaries seems to have given people carte blanche to attempt to control others behaviour and think it reasonable and desirable to do so.

Depends! Are you (and your partner and ex) fully sorted financially? Do you have a legal ownership of the house and is the ex’s material interest fully terminated? Is child support sorted?
How are these extensive renovations being paid for?
If it’s just a child showing mum where she lives there shouldn’t be in issue. If it’s potentially ammunition THAT is your issue (again, not the kid filming and sharing her life.)

This is interesting as I often find the opposite in real life. Women erect boundaries and are told they are being controlling.

For me it’s fairly clear. If you are stating what you will or won’t do. Where you will or won’t go. What you will or won’t say etc that is a boundary.

If you are telling another adult any of the above then that’s potentially controlling.

On here we seem to get pathetic partners who come up with shit like “oh if you don’t come to my mums for Christmas, I can’t go without you, so you’re being controlling “ Absolute nonsense.

Have you asked your SDs why they send the pictures and videos? It might help you to understand if it's an overstep by their mum (because she is requesting them) or if they are just wanting to share what's happening in their lives with her?

There's lots any child can do in a harmless non intentioned manner while videoing their home. For instance it's a very good way to show burglars where the windows are open and the weak spots are for entry are. All photographs contain meta data which has location and all different types of info that in the wrong hands can do all the participants of the house harm.

I know it's a shocking concept but many children historically have had perfectly happy childhoods without taking videos/document of their home surroundings on a daily basis. Let alone posting that information on various social media and snap chat.
It's not a human right to video and share content online to anyone, you see fit. Plenty of public spaces say please don't video.

But realistically it's the owners of those spaces that sets the rules and op is joint owner and the children are firstly children therefore can't make a informed choice as they don't know all the facts because they are children.

If people are cool with kids doing whatever in their house. That's fine rock on, op and her dh are able to do the same because adults are allowed to set the rules in their house about what is or isn't ok. That's simply parenting.

Parents/guardians/adults do have control over children and this is child rearing until they can make an informed adult choice.

What I do find interesting is how people are defining control applying adult to adult logic to and guardian and child situation.

IMO control in adult to adult and someone insisting that there is only one way to do something and that's your way, and shaming and calling names if someone has a different of opinion, or being low key snidey using emotional blackmail . Ironically a fair amount of that is on this thread.

This isn't just about what DSc mum is doing to her child although I would say we don't know exactly what's going on there. It's wider than that and about acting in a protective factor to children from all things that may potentially cause them harm. And the adults of the household get to choose the risk they are willing to take. Whether they want to open their home up to being plastered over social media or don't, that choice should be made by the adults of the house not the children.

For all the reasons I mentioned and more tbh

I find it very, very weird that you refer to her as your step-daughter's 'bio mother' when she is, in fact, her only mother.

RTFT or at a bare minimum- just read ops post and all her further ones.

This gives the impression you either can't read very well or you have nothing constructive to say and want to come give a stranger a good hiding on the internet.

Which I'm sure wasn't your intention but if it was that's a tad odd...

Yep, I totally admit I didn't read the OP's updates before posting. Poor MN etiquette, I agree.

I'm terribly sorry to have made you so angry at 6:54am on a Thursday morning. Perhaps try some meditation over breakfast?

Here's hoping no one else pisses you off today!

... you have nothing constructive to say and want to come give a stranger a good hiding on the internet.

I really enjoyed the irony of this comment, too!

So this is the house that the daughter grew up in, that she’s lived in for a long period and perhaps most or all of her life? And now, a new, non-relative adult female has moved in and has changed the house rules to restrict behavior regarding things and areas that previously were not restricted? I’m not advocating for one side or the other, but pointing out in a neutral fashion that it could feel (perhaps frightfully so) to the daughter like she’s being slowly restricted and edged out of her family space. If a new adult came to live in the house I had always considered my family space and started telling me that I couldn’t do stuff I had done before with no objection, it would bother me on an emotional level.

Also, why are people so convinced that the mom is driving the videoing and snooping? Is there actual evidence for this? My kid tends to video all kinds of things and share them with people she cares about - friends and family - simply because that’s a modern way to communicate for young people. It seems pretty awful to say you “know” it’s being driven by the mom when you don’t know.

Depending on age this could be totally innocent excitement to show their mum the changes in their home. (Not unreasonable)
It could be the Ex wanting to see where her kids are living and how it's changed. (Bit odd but not unreasonable)

However if its random videos that you aren't aware of, I wouldn't like that. My own DCs don't film crap in our house without everyone knowing they are recording or on facetime (consent is key) and I don't appreciate random teenagers seeing me in full dressing gown/pj's or greasy hair buns and leggings with bleached t-shirts (off scrubbing bathrooms etc). I've seen myself in the background of a few tik tok videos and Snapchat stories. I wasn't impressed 😕

It’s invasive to you but it was her AND the children’s home first, I’m afraid. Also she’s not then kicking up a fuss and I assume the children aren’t either so just ignore it.

I could understand if it was the child's personal space like their bedroom but it seems a bit invasive for other parts of the house. I wouldn't have allowed it.