DSD reports house changes to her bio mother

[mothernotsuperior]

I moved into the house that my partner and his ex-wife bought together. They had broken up before we met, so there's no issue there. She has moved out, and they have equal custody, so the kids go between the houses week in and week out. I get along with them very well. Since I moved in, we started working on the house and changed pretty much everything. Recently, we totally refurbished the bathroom, which was the last remaining room that hadn't changed since his ex lived here.

Now, AIBU... One of the kids keeps filming and taking photos and sends them to the ex so she can see what we have done to the place. Almost every little change is reported to her mother. I find it very invasive and nosy. I know it was her house before, but she shouldn't ask the kids about the updates (I assume she does, as she is a very nosy person). Should I leave it or address it with DSD?

I might not be entirely comfortable with it, no, but I would accept it as one of the many compromises I chose to make when I got involved with a man with children. I would expect it to feel like I had made a sacrifice if I moved into a house my partners children already called home.

@SometimesCalmPerson that's not the question is it. If you split from your partner, you and your children stay in the former family home - you would be completely fine with them filming you, anything you do in your home, comment on your spending and your life, and send all of that to your now ex husband because he’s their father and apparently entitled to all of this by your logic? Because what’s sauce for the goose etc.

Yes, I do accept my DC sending photos (predominantly of the cat and dog, but of course there will be other things in the background) to my ex. And yes, I would prefer it if no photos were sent to my ex, but it’s about putting my DCs needs above my own.

I appreciate that it’s easier to accept when it’s your own DC, rather than SDC. But there’s no shame in accepting that the dynamics of step parenting are not for you. The SDC will likely not have chosen this way of living either.

@Stuckinlimmmbo I don’t think anyone would argue with a few pictures of pets and some of their life in the house. The OP is describing filming and a level of deliberately reporting back on what she is doing in the house. I think that’s mischaracterising it by saying ‘who can stop the kids taking a couple of snaps of the cat - you evil SM’ when that’s clearly not what she’s describing.

No where does the OP mention filming her though. If she had then I think the responses would be different.

@Stuckinlimmmbo In the OP “Now, AIBU... One of the kids keeps filming and taking photos and sends them to the ex”

Surely it's all matter of context and content? DSD sending videos of her bedroom, the kitchen or living room would be normal sharing between a mum and daughter.
Filming OPs bedroom, her underwear drawer or content of the medicine cabinet is the other extreme, has no reasonable purpose and would be inappropriate.

If its just general renovations then I'd grin and bear it. If not then her dad should have a word about respecting another person's privacy.

This is entirely my point. For everyone who has been blindly agreeing that this is totally fine behaviour under all circumstances - it sounds like there at least needs to be a discussion as to some gentle boundaries and perhaps a level of privacy for each household (as much as anything so the children don’t feel loyalty bound to ‘report’ things to their mother)

I still can’t see the mention of “DSD keeps filming ME”, I very much read it as they are sending a film showing the new bathroom ect… I may be missing it though… it’s been a long day!

Also in response to your other post… is the DSD “deliberately reporting what SHE (OP) is doing”? I can’t see that, I just read her posts as they are showing the mum the updated rooms.

Also, I definitely have not referred to anyone as an “evil” SM. I simply said that step parenting is not for everyone. Perhaps you are confusing my post with somebody else’s?? Or perhaps you are projecting.

This is an invasion of privacy - whether her mum is telling her to do it or she’s innocently doing it.

I wounder how mum would feel if the kids started filming her home & sending it to dad? Bet she wouldn’t like it.

Is mum putting her up to it or is she doing it without influence?

I would nip this in the bud. We had the same with my DSD. What started out as (what we thought) harmless photos & videos of our home (at the demand of her mum). Ultimately resulted in personal paper work being searched for, photos taken and then sent onto mum.

i’d stop it now.

I was this child. Forced into spying for my mother. I absolutely hated it, especially as my DSM was far kinder to me than my biological mother ever was.

Please don’t raise it with her. She will be so embarrassed and ashamed.

Hopefully the ex will get bored of it soon.

👏

It's even more tedious when the OP has already apologised for it, yet multiple people still have a go at her for it.

It's DSD's home now than its yours, frankly. So she can send all the photos she likes to her mum. What you CAN restrict is her videoing or photographing you.

Just say 'please don't take photos or video of me without asking'. There's no need to reference her sending them to her mum. Just that you prefer not to have candid photos taken of you.

If I could see what the new owners of my old house were doing, I'd love to see their renovations!

It was her home, and she's probably nosy at worst.

I disagree that children “have a right” to film whatever they like. They don’t have a right to have a mobile phone at all, for goodness sake!

I would reconsider living in the former marital home, in Ops position though. It is not something I could ever be comfortable with personally.

Yes it's invasive but honestly, pick your battles. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

I think it’s invasive, but as others have advised, pick your battles and let this one go.

At sone point they might get bored with it and stop doing it-although if it goes beyond filming the renovations to filming the contents of your wardrobe, for example, you’ll need to say something. Being nosy about renovations is one thing; looking at people’s personal items is another.

Ick. Some of the comments on here are the reason why people don't post frequently for advice on the step parenting forum. Which I suppose is why the nasty comments exist because people posting to regularly may make step parents feel to much like human beings.

Better to stick with fairytales right ? It's easier to devalue someone if you don't really consider them worthy of basic human rights.

Some comments really covered certain posters so much "glory" after continuing on being nasty to op about the bio mum reference in the original post term after op apologised... does make me wonder how sad someone's life must have to be to keep doing that.

I digress. Sounds like op that the step child isn't the problem but the mum who has repeatedly ignored and cross over boundaries in this area before and egging the child on. Because when my dd did this at her dad's home with sm, I shut this down fast.

The people who would agree that mum has every right to be as invasive as she wants because she once was married to your husband are probably people who are a particular type of person.

Normal people with normal boundaries would be able to acknowledge that although they wouldn't mind (let the ex look around their home) that others can have a difference of opinion and people boundaries will be different people are allowed to hold their own boundaries and that doesn't mean you hate DSC, don't want a healthy relationship for the kids. Your husband married the ex wife. Not you. Your home (jointly with DH) and no longer mums means you and him get to set boundaries in your home, not mum.

If someone's using guilt or shame as a form to change your opinion, that person using a lazy uneducated tactic that indicates a lack of intelligence imo.

How it is interesting that no one pointed out that if mum is actively using their child as a tool to start drama... she's hardly parent of the year. Probably not a person I would have weak boundaries around.

Also I don't allow my dd to film in my house because it is indeed creepy/ invasive and normal boundaries don't change depending on a persons title within a family.

Pick your battles, this really is a non issue

And some would say not allowing your daughter to film in HER home is controlling and weird.

We KNOW this is driven by the ex wife trying to start drama. Which is why we are all saying do nothing. Reacting in any way - for example, telling the child that she is no longer to take pictures or film in her own home - will feed into the drama. So what if the ex sees pictures of the house, so what if she hates the wallpaper, so what if she sees a bra chucked over a couch (maybe that's just my house!)...so what. It's not harming the child, it's not harming the OP. But starting a big hooha will potentially damage the child's relationship with her dad and/or her mum. She's a kid. She shouldn't have to be navigating this conflict. Be the bigger person and down your weapons first.

@PureBoggin I don't doubt people would disagree with that I put.

The difference is the adults of the house set the boundaries with what is or isn't ok. Mum is not part of that at dad house (baring safety concerns for the kids)

Children can feed into that but don't dictate that, as you pointed out because they are children. A child isn't allowed to eat nothing but sugar all day long and stay up to crack head a clock because it's their home and they want to or because their parents are no longer together because they do not have the full context of why this isn't ok and the adults are the protective factor in their respective house holds.

Adults having boundaries aren't controlling. And it's funny when people suggest a women having boundaries/spine means they are controlling because it rarely comes up when men implementing boundaries.

My case in point is - that child will at some point realise what mums up to. And that will be painful. Sadly a step parent isn't in a place to fix that. But agree Dad is though. Better to have a blanket sorry house rules x and it applies to everyone in the house (inclusive of the adults dad step parent etc)
As most people would be able to agree teen who's a step child is also allowed the same right to privacy (within normal reason) to not be videoed.

Having boundaries doesn't mean you need to bash anyone, or control someone, and being a step kid doesn't mean you have cantBlanche to do whatever because you want to.

If I was in ops shoes I would say no because ultimately I wouldn't like seeing a kid being used in this way . They might not clock it as a child but will in later life

But I do agree with your point of view in some respects. The only way to stop a fire is to reduce the fuel. Part of that isn't just letting this shit spiral. Op allowing this women to access to her house by proxy of her child isn't going to make mum stop crossing boundaries, and I suspect showing she's a bit of a doormat tbh will make it worse.

For context if mum hasn't cross other areas in boundary crossing - I would be a bit more meh about it tbh but giving someone ammo to start drama when there's a fairly neutral way to stop it seems like the least dramatic path forward.

@PureBoggin setting boundaries is parenting not “controlling”.

It's because the person using the term bio mum feels inferior to the mother and this is just a sneaky little takedown, a depersonalisation, so to speak. But the OP gave. gracious response to her use of it, but some won't be able to as they feel less than.

We KNOW this is driven by the ex wife trying to start drama.

No way don't @PureBoggin

The examples you have given are potentially harmful. What harm does the child taking pictures or videos of her home do? Who does it harm?

I think lots of people use the word "boundaries" when actually they mean "control". There are several people who live in my home and there are private spaces and public spaces within the home. A reasonable "boundary" would be to expect privacy in those private areas but not the public areas. Expecting no one in the home to ever take any photos or videos is absurd. That is truly cutting off your nose to spite your face. That boundary isn't actually coming from you..... it's coming from the ex-wife. She (probably completely unawares) is controlling everyone's behaviour from afar.